I clung tighter to Adam’s arm. The pub was rammed full of people. Music blared from tinny speakers, couples laughed as they danced, groups gathered with half empty glasses in their hands, shouting to one another above the ever-increasing din.
I was back where I’d started.
I swallowed. I could do this. I was better at it now. Adam and I had been to pubs and clubs together and I’d been fine. I’d survived. Enjoyed it, even. This was just the same.
I screwed up my nose. Except this wasn’t just a crowd of random strangers, whose opinion of me was irrelevant. These were all people that Adam knew. People that mattered to him.
And I barely knew any of them.
Their curious gazes bore into me. They were judging me. My clothes. The way I stood. The way I spoke. Everything about me was being examined. It was though I had walked into a room full of microscopes, all focused directly on me. Who was I to be dating their Adam?
I glanced back at the door. I didn’t belong here. Adam and I had been dating for two months, but I was still just on the outskirts of his life. Everyone else already knew one another, and from the way they greeted him, it seemed they had been part of his life for years. How could I ever measure up to that?
Maybe I’d never really belonged anywhere. I was still the same misfit I had been when I was a kid.
‘You’re here! I can’t believe you actually came.’
Susan rushed towards me and engulfed me in a tight hug.
I gazed at the sea of multi-coloured dresses amongst the flashing disco lights that looked out of place in the school hall. ‘Neither can I.’
‘But what are you doing at the back here?’
I shuffled from foot to foot, my eyes fixed on my black school shoes. Even my feet didn’t fit in here. All the other girls had pretty sandals or sparkly shoes.
‘It’s a disco, we should be out there dancing like everyone else.’
I shook my head. ‘No one’s going to dance with me. Everyone thinks I’m weird. The boys won’t even talk to me at school, why would tonight be any different?’
Susan shrugged. ‘Who cares about them? We don’t need a partner to join in; we can just dance and chat like we do at home.’
But this wasn’t home.
‘I can’t believe I let you talk me into this. You even got me to persuade Mum to let me come.’
Susan gazed at me in awe. ‘I still can’t believe you actually managed it.’ She leaned closer to me. ‘How did you do it?’
‘I begged.’
‘And it worked?’
She looked as stunned as I had been when Mum had finally caved. Mum never caved. Her word was final. It never changed. It didn’t matter how reasonable or persuasive my argument was, her answer was always no. Until tonight.
The weirdest part was I hadn’t even had to plead that much. It had been so easy. Too easy…
‘Perhaps she’s finally easing up on you.’
‘Perhaps,’ I said as my gaze met Susan’s and I knew that neither of us believed it.
I shrugged as we moved further into the middle of the hall. It didn’t matter why Mum had changed her mind, all that mattered was that she had. I was here. I was finally part of things.
A group of girls started sniggering beside us.
‘Have you seen what she’s wearing?’
‘Ignore them, Jess,’ Susan’s reassuring voice was right beside me.
I nodded. She was right. I should just block them out and not let them spoil my evening.
‘Are those her school shoes?’
The laughter grew louder.
‘She’s so boring.’
I glanced around. Everyone was staring at me now. I squirmed as they pointed at me and laughed.
They were messing everything up. My body shook as I fought back the tears. This was my night. The one evening where I finally got to be a normal kid and join in with the fun. I deserved that, didn’t I? I was a good girl. Why wasn’t I was allowed to be happy for once? And this time it wasn’t even Mum keeping me from it.
I ran to the door, pushing my way through the crowd as the laughter echoed in my head.
‘Jess!’
I heard Susan’s voice above the music, but I didn’t turn back. I’d been so stupid to think I could do this. Perhaps it had never been Mum that had been holding me back. Perhaps the problem had always been me.
I clambered into the passenger seat beside Mum. I should thank her for rushing out to pick me up early when I called in tears, but I couldn’t. I was too mad.
‘Why did you let me go?’
She took a deep breath as she flicked the indicator on and pulled out. ‘Sometimes you have to find things out for yourself. I can’t protect you from everything.’
‘Why not?’
Mum glanced at me. ‘Because you won’t let me.’
I frowned.
‘What did I say when you first asked to go to the school disco?’
‘That it wasn’t for me. I wouldn’t belong there.’
‘And what did you say?’
I hung my head. ‘I said you were being unfair and begged you to let me go.’
‘You thought you knew better. You thought I was being mean and stopping you from having fun.’
I squirmed.
‘So I let you go. And what happened?’
‘I didn’t belong there.’
Mum nodded, a firm sharp nod. ‘You see, I don’t prevent you from doing things to be cruel. I do it to protect you. I’m your mother. It’s my job.’
Mum had been right then and she was right now too. Adam and I were too different. This was his world and it was a place I would never belong. I didn’t even have Susan here to make it bearable.
‘Jess, there are some people I want you to meet.’ Adam started walking forwards. My hand was still gripping his arm, I had no choice but to follow him.
He stopped in front of a couple. ‘Happy birthday, son,’ the woman said, as she kissed Adam’s cheek.
‘Jess, these are my parents.’
I stared at the couple in front of me. Their smiles were warm and welcoming, but their gazes tore into me, I could practically feel them trying to unearth my secrets and determine if I was worthy of their son’s attention.
‘Jess, we’re so happy to meet you.’ Adam’s mum reached forward and squeezed my arm. ‘I’m Helen, and this is Graham.’
I plastered a smile onto my face.
‘We’ve been so curious about this mysterious woman Adam has been keeping from us,’ Graham added.
‘Mysterious?’ My throat felt tight and constricted. Did Adam know I was keeping things from him? Could he tell I was holding back?
‘I haven’t been keeping her from you.’ Adam rolled his eyes. ‘I’ve just been keeping her to myself.’
The three of them laughed.
I tried to join in, but I couldn’t. I was too nervous to laugh about anything.
‘Adam tells us you’re a lawyer?’
I swallowed. ‘Well, not exactly—’
‘So impressive,’ Helen continued, oblivious to my objection. ‘It takes real hard work and dedication to have a career like that. We’re so happy Adam has found himself a decent girl this time,’ she winked at me, before turning her head towards the bar.
I followed her gaze, but there were so many people I couldn’t tell who she was looking at.
I felt Adam’s arm tense beneath my hand and I glanced back at him. His face was pale and taut. His attention was fixed on something in the direction of his mother’s gaze.
‘Adam, what’s wrong?’
He shook his head. ‘Nothing, just an uninvited guest.’ He turned to his parents. ‘I should go and…’ He levered my hand from his arm and strode towards the bar.
‘Who is that?’ I tried to see who Adam was heading towards, but they were obscured by the crowed.
‘No one important,’ Graham said as he pivoted me towards a table. ‘Let’s sit and chat while Adam is busy.’
‘But—’ I twisted around, straining my neck to find Adam.
‘Don’t worry, I’m sure he won’t be long.’
‘That’s such a stunning dress on you,’ Helen said. ‘I wish I still had a figure like yours.’
My cheeks grew warm, no doubt matching the shade of my red dress. ‘Thanks, it’s…’ I bit my tongue. They didn’t need to know it had been Adam’s choice, just like most of my wardrobe was these days. ‘It’s new.’
I adjusted the thin strap on my shoulder and tugged at the hem. My dress was a success. Everyone always admired the clothes Adam picked for me, even if they were a bit tighter and shorter than I was comfortable with.
But they were just clothes. And not even they could make this moment less stressful.
I smiled at Adam’s parents as I searched my brain for something to say. I should compliment them too. Or would that look like I was trying too hard? I could ask them something about themselves. But would that seem like Adam didn’t tell me anything about them? Or that I hadn’t listened if he had?
My face was starting to ache. My smile was growing weary and it was still early. How was I going to get through the rest of the evening?
Despite my beautiful dress, despite the compliments, I still didn’t fit in here. Maybe Adam hadn’t changed me as much as Karen and Stacey thought. Perhaps his presence and attention had just given me more confidence for a while. He’d made me a better actress.
What I wore wasn’t the problem. It was me that was wrong.
It always had been.
‘So, a lawyer, huh?’ Graham said.
I should correct him. I should explain that I wasn’t really a lawyer. But maybe that’s what Adam wanted them to think. Maybe he wanted me to be a bit more than I was.
‘Do you enjoy it?’
I froze like a rabbit caught in headlights. I was exposed with nowhere to run. ‘No, not really.’ The confession slipped from my lips. It was the wrong answer. Honest, but wrong.
‘Then why do it?’
‘Because…’ I stared at him as my reasons evaporated before reaching my tongue. Why did I do it? It was a good job, a decent salary, a solid, dependable, respectable career. But was that enough?
‘You should do something you love.’
I nodded instinctively, but it was only slight. His simplistic philosophy was flawed. Life wasn’t that easy.
Graham’s attention shifted over my shoulder. ‘All sorted?’
I turned and saw Adam approaching behind me. He nodded, but he looked serious.
‘Who was that?’ I asked him.
‘So, who wants a drink?’ Adam avoided my gaze.
I stared at him as his parents made their requests. Maybe he hadn’t heard me. It was noisy in here. It wasn’t as though he would intentionally ignore me.
Was it?