‘Take a seat, I’ll be right back,’ PC Davidson said as he showed me into a small square room. The door clicked shut behind me and it felt as though the oxygen had suddenly dissipated. I took a shaky breath and paced back and forth by the door. I knew I should do as he said and sit down at the table to wait, but I didn’t want to. I felt too restless. I had ever since his phone call.
His request had seemed so simple. ‘We’d like you to come down to the station, we have a few more questions for you.’
Of course he had questions. Everyone did. I was the logical choice to direct them to. I was Adam’s girlfriend. I knew him best. Or, at least, I should have done.
His mother had had questions too. She’d rung nearly every day. We’d spoken more since Adam had gone than we had in the entire time we’d been dating.
‘How could this happen, Jess?’ Helen’s voice wavered as I pressed the phone to my ear. ‘How could it happen to Adam? Why him? Why now?’
I shook my head, momentarily forgetting that she couldn’t see me.
‘Adam is too young, too good, to have his life snatched away like this.’
‘I know.’ My voice cracked.
But did I know? Had Adam ever been good? Or was he just not good enough for me?
For Helen, Adam was her son. He was perfect.
Even his imperfections were irrelevant to her. She couldn’t see them. She loved him unconditionally.
What did that feel like?
My pacing halted. It felt like a question I should know the answer to.
But I didn’t.
Unconditional love was just a vague concept. Alien and unfamiliar. Love always had conditions. It had boundaries that mustn’t be crossed.
The door opened behind me and I swung round to face PC Davidson and another man.
‘This is Detective Constable Fisher,’ PC Davidson said.
I nodded at the man in a faded crumpled suit and PC Davidson gestured to one of the chairs.
Reluctantly, I sat down and they sat opposite, with the table dividing us.
All the way here I’d tried to imagine the questions they might ask. I’d rehearsed my answers. Short and simple. Open and honest. I needed them to trust me. To believe me.
This time.
They’ll ask what you did wrong.
I swallowed, forcing down the nausea, as I desperately tried to silence the voice in my head. Now wasn’t the time for this. I needed to focus on the situation at hand. I needed to act normal; be normal.
Except holding conversations with myself was normal. At least for me. It had been for years. Without Susan to talk to, I’d withdrawn into my own head. There were things I couldn’t talk to anyone else about; only myself. A debate raged inside me. Everything was questioned, analysed, repeated. My life was on a well-played loop as I searched for clues; evidence of my innocence or guilt; reminders of things I may have forgotten. Not that I would ever admit it to anyone else…
‘Did you know Adam was having financial difficulties?’
I frowned. ‘What?’ PC Davidson’s question caught me by surprise. ‘No, that can’t be right. He had a bit of a cash flow issue a few months ago, but that was only temporary.’
‘We’re going through his finances now, but on the surface it would seem he was almost broke.’
‘Adam would hate that.’
PC Davidson raised his eyebrow.
‘Adam was a very private man. He’d hate that strangers are looking through his stuff, prying into his life.’
‘He never told you about his problems?’
‘It’s nothing for you to worry about,’ I murmured Adam’s phrase under my breath.
‘Pardon?’
I blinked. ‘It’s what Adam used to say whenever I asked him if something was wrong.’
‘So, he never opened up? Never confided in you?’
I took a slow deep breath. ‘Adam could be evasive.’
‘About more than just money?’
I kept my expression neutral. I was heading into treacherous ground. They didn’t need to know what he wouldn’t talk to me about. They didn’t need to know Adam’s secrets. Or mine.
‘He was very proud. He always paid for dinner when we went out. He liked to spoil me. To treat me. He was always buying me things; clothes, flowers—’
‘Flowers? For no reason?’ DC Fisher asked.
I could see the scepticism on their faces. They were probably the kind of men that only thought to buy flowers for special occasions, or as an apology, to ease their consciences and make peace. But Adam was different. ‘He bought them because they made me smile.’
‘That’s all?’
‘That’s enough of a reason, isn’t it? To do something for someone else because you know it will make them happy?’
Or to ease his guilt.
I pushed that thought away. It wasn’t true. Adam had bought me flowers long before he’d had anything to feel guilty for.
As far as I know…
‘Miss Harper?’
I froze. PC Davidson had seen my doubt. I searched for an explanation, but I couldn’t find one. Only one thought circled my brain.
‘I miss him.’
PC Davidson nodded slightly, as though accepting my response, but questions still lingered in his eyes.
I knew that expression well. I’d seen it in the mirror for months.
That niggling doubt that loitered under the surface, always present, but not quite strong enough to put your finger on. Just a feeling. An instinct. And yet it was real.
I’d thought it was Mum’s influence at first. Her doubts and insecurities had rubbed off on me. Perhaps her distrust of Adam had made me paranoid. Adam wasn’t perfect. No one was. But he was close enough. And most importantly he was mine.
Except he wasn’t. Not fully. I wasn’t sure if he ever really had been.