34

Then

I twisted my hands together in my lap, my gaze locked on the road ahead as I sat beside Adam in his van.

Forget it.

The voice in my head was a mixture of a command and a desperate plea. It’s what I’d intended to do. The receipt was gone. The moment to confront Adam had passed. I’d made my decision. And yet…

Who was she?

How long had he been seeing her?

Was it serious?

I couldn’t forget it. The endless questions that circled in my brain wouldn’t let me. They’d played on a loop all night. They were relentless. But worse still, they were unanswered.

He’s here with me.

I took a deep breath. That thought was like dim light in the darkness that had descended upon me since my discovery. He’d invited me to join him today. He hadn’t had to. He was working. He could have left me at home and met me later. But he’d wanted to bring me along, to show me somewhere he thought I would like to see: Anvil Point.

Maybe he was trying to make amends, a silent apology for something we would never discuss. He didn’t know I knew, and I would never tell him. What good would it do? It would give it life, whatever it had been. Talking about it would make it real. Not just a mistake, but a problem. One that lingered in the midst of our relationship.

I didn’t need him to confess. I didn’t want him to. I didn’t want to know. All I wanted was him. Just as I always had.

Maybe Adam sensed that too. This day trip was his remedy. Maybe it was exactly what we needed. A break from our usual routine. Something different. Something new.

‘I can’t believe you’ve never been out here.’

I blinked and glanced at Adam beside me as he steered his van through the one-way system around the car park.

I’d been so lost in my thoughts I hadn’t even noticed we’d arrived. I shrugged, playing for time as I fought to make my voice sound normal. ‘Dad used to say we’d do lots of trips after we moved here, but…’

‘He left before he got round to it,’ Adam finished for me.

I nodded as Adam pulled up in front of a wooden gate that blocked the road. ‘It says no entry,’ I stated bluntly, glad of the chance to change the subject, but disappointed that our adventure had been stalled.

‘It’s to keep the general public out,’ Adam said as he turned and winked at me. ‘But I’m special.’

I felt a bubble of pride swell in my chest. Yes, he was special. And he was also mine.

But not just mine.

I swallowed and clamped my teeth together. I couldn’t allow thoughts like that to seep into my mind. I had to shut them out.

I could do it.

I’d done it before.

‘Would you mind opening the gate for me?’

I glanced back at the gate and hesitated.

‘It’s fine, I promise.’ He smiled. ‘You’re with me.’

I laughed and slipped out of the van into the sunshine. Adam was right; I was with him. Whoever his companion had been the other night, it was irrelevant. Maybe it was a mistake. A momentary lapse of judgement. He didn’t feel anything for her. He couldn’t. He loved me. It was just lust. A physical attraction. A moment of weakness.

He would be regretting it now. Guilt would be tormenting him. I knew him. I knew how he felt. Didn’t I?

He had come back to me. That had to mean something.

I was with him now, not her. All I had to do was make sure that it stayed that way.

I walked towards the gate. There was no lock, just an old metal catch. I lifted it and pushed the gate open slightly. I glanced around, half expecting someone to appear demanding to know what I was doing. Even with Adam’s assurances it still felt wrong.

I opened the gate fully and waited as Adam drove through. It was crazy. I was so accustomed to following the rules, the idea of breaking them churned my stomach, even when I wasn’t actually doing anything wrong.

The van stopped just past me and I closed the gate with a satisfying click. I clambered back into the van and Adam drove slowly along the winding single lane.

‘Wow!’

Adam chuckled softly beside me. ‘I told you you’d like it.’

I nodded, speechless, unable to turn my gaze away from the view. Rolling green hills dropped into the ocean. A whitewashed lighthouse and long low buildings surrounded by a low grey stone wall stood sentry over all of it.

Adam pulled the van into the walled courtyard and stopped. ‘I’ll probably be a couple of hours,’ he said as he pulled the handbrake on.

My heart swelled. There was a hint of apology in his tone, or perhaps regret.

‘You can take a walk along the cliff path if you like and I’ll text you when I’m done working in the holiday cottages. We can meet up and go for lunch at the café.’

I smiled. ‘That sounds perfect.’ I leaned towards him, gave him a quick kiss on his cheek and hurried out of the van, eager to start walking.

I heard Adam getting his tool bag out of the van, chuckling as I walked away. I didn’t look back. I wouldn’t.

I didn’t want to know who might be in the cottages waiting for him. A client… A woman…

I shook my head and turned left out of the courtyard and headed down the stony path until I reached the edge of the clifftop. No, Adam was working. That’s all this was, a job. He wouldn’t have risked bringing me if it had been anything else.

I leaned forwards over the edge of the cliff and watched the waves crashing below. Adam was right. It was perfect here.

And he had brought me. No one else, just me.

I leaned back in the seat and felt my body relax. It had been a perfect day. Adam had joined me for lunch at the café at Durlston Park as promised. We’d talked. We’d laughed. And then we’d walked back to the van hand in hand. Just like we used to.

I’d made the right decision. Whatever that bottle of champagne had meant, it was in the past. Adam was with me now.

He’d chosen me.

It was as though we had reconnected. He’d been slipping away from me; changing. It wasn’t just the receipt. It had started before that. Had his companion been the reason, or the result?

I shrugged. Some things were best left unknown.

‘What are you thinking about?’

I turned and met Adam’s gaze and smiled. ‘Nothing important.’

He chuckled as he turned his attention back to the road ahead.

I read the road sign as we passed and tried to figure out how long it would take to get home. I couldn’t wait to get back. Adam would put the TV on in his usual Saturday afternoon routine and we’d curl up on the sofa together. His arm wrapped around me as I nestled against his shoulder.

Adam flicked the indicator on and changed into the right lane. My head jolted forwards. ‘Where are we going?’

‘How long have you lived in Bournemouth?’ Adam asked with a smile. ‘I’d have thought you’d know your way around by now.’

I rolled my eyes. ‘Well, obviously I know we are heading towards the town centre. But why?’

He shrugged. ‘I have a couple of things to pick up.’ Adam winked at me. ‘It won’t take long.’

‘Okay.’ I nodded, but felt my shoulders sag. Snuggling up on the sofa would have to wait a little longer.

Adam pulled into a space in the open air car park and we slid out. I met him the other side of the van and we walked hand in hand towards the shops. Maybe this wasn’t so bad. It didn’t really matter where we were as long as we were together.

‘I’ll meet you in the square,’ Adam said as he slowed his pace and pulled his hand free from mine.

‘What? Why?’ I stopped and turned to face him.

‘I just have a couple of things to get.’

I shrugged. ‘I’ll come with you.’

Adam shook his head. ‘You’ll be bored.’

‘But—’

‘You’ll have more fun shoe shopping.’

‘I don’t need any new shoes.’

‘Well, clothes, then,’ Adam shrugged. ‘Whatever you want.’

He leaned forward, kissed my lips lightly and then turned, cast a quick look up and down the road and dodged a bus as he raced across to the other side.

I stared at the back of his head as he merged into the crowd. I blinked. What just happened? It was our day together. Us.

A heavy weight descended in my stomach. What if it wasn’t just us? What if he was meeting someone? Was that why he’d run off so fast? Was that why he was so adamant that I shouldn’t join him?

I stepped forward off the kerb and a horn blasted beside me. I froze as a yellow taxi whizzed past me. My hand flew to my chest. I hadn’t even looked. How stupid.

My gaze drifted to where I had last seen Adam. How desperate was I?

I bit my lower lip. I should trust him. We’d had a lovely day together. He was being thoughtful, not wanting to drag me along when he knew I’d be bored. I was just being suspicious. I should do as he said and go shopping by myself.

I swallowed and glanced up and down the road. I should, but I wouldn’t.

The road was clear and I crossed quickly, my body still shaking from my near miss. I marched down the street, following Adam’s path towards the square. I stopped in the square, my gaze searching the crowd for his familiar form. Which way had he gone?

I stepped forwards and collided with a man on his phone. He scowled at me as I mumbled apologies.

‘What are you doing?’ My question went unanswered amongst the Saturday shoppers as they veered around me.

This was crazy. I couldn’t chase after Adam. What kind of relationship would we have if I couldn’t trust him?

I’d made my decision last night, I had to stick to it and get over whatever doubts lingered at the back of my mind.

I nodded firmly.

I would do as Adam suggested. I would occupy myself for an hour and meet him as planned.

I meandered up the street, glancing in shop windows, but my heart wasn’t really in it. Doubt gnawed at me. Would I have been so trusting if I had known which way Adam had gone? My gaze scanned the crowd around me. If I saw him now, what would I do?

I knew the answer without even needing to think about it. I would follow him in a heartbeat. Despite my best intentions, that trust I’d had in him had gone.

The question now was: what were we without trust?

I stirred the dregs of my now cold cup of hot chocolate as I sat outside Costa. It might be unusually mild for February, but it still wasn’t really warm enough to be sitting outside. I snuggled deeper into my coat. I should have sat inside in the warm.

Except, inside I wouldn’t have had such a good view of the street. I couldn’t have watched the passers-by so easily. My eyes couldn’t have searched for Adam in every face that passed.

I sighed. Perhaps that was exactly why I should have sat inside. It certainly would have been better for my sanity.

It had been a pointless exercise anyway. I hadn’t spotted Adam. Was that because he hadn’t been this way, or because he’d seen me first?

I shook my head. I had to stop this.

I pushed my chair back and glanced at my watch. I took a sharp intake of breath. In my dismal failure to distract myself I hadn’t paid attention to the time. I was late.

I grabbed my bag from the table and ran towards Bournemouth square. I cursed under my breath and dodged a woman with a pushchair. Adam would be waiting.

Adam.

He isn’t Mum.

I slowed my pace, and pressed my hand against my side, trying to ease the stitch as my body objected to the unaccustomed exercise. Adam wouldn’t judge me for being a few minutes late. He wouldn’t mind that I’d got distracted. He’d just be happy to see me.

He always was.

Wasn’t he? Doubt niggled at me with every step.

Things between us had changed recently. He still smiled at my arrival. He still kissed me. Still talked to me and told me he’d missed me. But his gaze no longer lingered on me, it dropped back to the phone in his hands. Something was taking his attention. Something or…

I froze. My gaze locked on Adam as he sat on the wall at the edge of the square. He smiled. His face lit up, his eyes crinkled. But it wasn’t at me.

He wasn’t alone.

A woman sat beside him. Her head bent towards him. She ran her hand through her long blonde hair, flicked it over her shoulder and laughed.

My feet found their momentum again. I moved towards them, unaware of anything else around me.

‘Is that her?’

Their heads jolted up to look at me. They had the same expression. Surprise. Confusion. Guilt.

‘What?’ Adam asked.

‘Is that her?’ I repeated.

‘What are you talking about, Jess? Her who?’

The woman stood up, fear and confusion etched across her creased brow. ‘I should go.’

I nodded. ‘Yes, you should.’

‘Jess, you’re making a fool of yourself.’

Adam’s accusation was like a match being struck. It ignited a fire within me and indignance fuelled the flames.

‘I’m not a fool.’ My words were staccato, loud and sharp. I never snapped like that. Not at anyone. Except him. It was strange how he had that effect on me.

It wasn’t that I was unaccustomed to insults or criticism. I was used to them. They were as natural to me as breathing. But with him it was different. I was different.

When we met I’d confessed to him that I was really quiet and shy. He’d raised his eyebrows. ‘Really? You seem so confident.’

I’d laughed. He’d fallen for the act. I’d had a lifetime to perfect it.

‘I just want the truth, Adam.’

‘She’s a client.’

My eyes narrowed. ‘Like I was?’

Adam rubbed his hand across his forehead. ‘No, Jess. Just a client. A big client. She’s the manager for the hotel that’s just taken me on.’

I glanced from Adam to the woman.

She looked nervous. Embarrassed.

‘I’m so sorry about this.’

My anger softened at Adam’s apologetic tone and I turned back. But he wasn’t looking at me.

He was looking at her.

He was apologising to her.

For me.

Oh, my God. What had I done?

‘Adam, I…’

‘Leave it, Jess.’

I turned back to the woman. ‘I thought…’

‘She knows what you thought. Everyone knows what you thought.’

I glanced around. People were staring at me. People I didn’t know.

I shrunk into my coat. I’d made a scene. I’d been so stupid. So wrong.

‘I’ll walk you to your car.’

I didn’t even need to look this time. I knew Adam wasn’t talking to me. He was trying to pacify his new customer. To make amends for my error. My humiliation.

‘Don’t you need to…?’ I caught her sideways glance at me as she spoke.

‘No, Jess and I have nothing to say to one another right now.’

I sank to the wall where they had been sitting and watched as they walked away side by side. I’d made a horrible mistake. I was so wrong.

It wasn’t her.

Maybe it wasn’t anyone.

I rubbed my head. What if the drinks had been innocent? A business deal. A celebration of a big new contract? Maybe I did have the right woman, but the wrong meaning.