I sat at the breakfast bar, my gaze locked on the clock on the wall. The second hand clicked loudly. Adam was late. Again.
It was the same every night. He’d come in and apologise for being late. He’d say a job had been trickier than expected or blame it on traffic. His excuses were all reasonable and perfectly acceptable. There was a time I would have believed them without hesitation. But not any more. Now there was a constant doubt that had lodged itself in my mind. It was persistent and unwavering. It ate into me; gnawing at everything I had believed. Everything I had hoped for.
I wound Adam’s phone charger wire around my fingers as it lay on the counter. He was with her. I didn’t know who she was. I didn’t know what she looked like or what her voice sounded like. I didn’t even know her name or her age. I didn’t need to. I knew the most important thing about her. I knew she existed.
My blunder in the middle of Bournemouth town centre had been foolish. I’d let my jealousy and insecurity show. It had been weak. I swallowed. My accusation wasn’t even right. All I’d achieved was to make things strained between us.
I nibbled my lip. But did that mean I was completely wrong? Or just wrong about that particular woman?
We never talked about what I’d thought. I never told him about the receipt. Adam said he wanted to put my accusation behind us and move on. But it was easier said than done.
His absences became more noticeable. His excuses more feeble. Had my outburst brought them closer together? Or had it just made him feel as though he didn’t need to work so hard to hide it now? Perhaps to him my silence was my acceptance. But inside I screamed.
I knew the truth now. Adam wasn’t what I’d wanted. He wasn’t what I needed. He wasn’t genuine. I ground my teeth together. The problem was, despite all that, he was still real. He was still mine, at least partially. But how much was mine? And how much was hers? He still lived in my apartment and slept in my bed each night, did that mean I was still his priority? Was she just a phase? Was I the real thing?
I rolled my shoulders trying to ease some of the tension that had built up. There was still a possibility that I was wrong. Or that he would realise his mistake. There was still a possibility that we could make it work. It didn’t even matter how unlikely the possibilities were. All that counted was that there was still a chance for us; for me.
The sound of the front door opening jolted me from my thoughts. I cringed at the heavy thud of his tool bag being dumped on my pristine cream tiled floor. I knew that sound by heart.
Heavy footsteps grew closer behind me.
‘Hey, Jess.’ Adam’s lips barely brushed my cheek, the scent of musty deodorant and sweat made my nose twitch. ‘Sorry I’m late, traffic was a nightmare.’
The phone cable slipped from my fingers and unravelled across the breakfast bar.
‘I’ll take a shower before dinner,’ Adam said as he started to walk back towards the hall.
I didn’t acknowledge him.
Adam’s footsteps stopped. ‘Jess?’
I pivoted on the stool and our eyes met.
‘I’ve been thinking.’
I waited for him continue.
‘We’ll never be happy here.’
‘Wh-at?’ My voice wobbled as my heart pounded. This was it. Adam was ending it. He’d made his choice and it wasn’t me.
‘It’s this place.’
I blinked and my mind raced as I tried to catch up. ‘This place?’
‘There are too many things holding us back, making us crazy. It’ll never really be just the two of us if we stay here. There will always be your mother and…’
He stopped abruptly and stared at the floor.
And who? The question burned on my lips but I refused to ask it. Did I even want to know what he called her?
He edged towards me. ‘We should leave here. Just the two of us. We could start again.’
The two of us.
He wanted me. Just me.
My heart soared. It’s what I’d wanted from the moment we met.
Except…
I glanced around my apartment. ‘But this is my home.’
Adam rolled his eyes. ‘It’s just an apartment. You’re the one who said it’s never really felt like your home. It’s your mother’s taste, her influence. It’s not you. It’s not us.’
Us.
It was that word again. The one that made me feel part of something. But it wasn’t enough. It wasn’t real. It couldn’t be.
Could it?
‘We’d move far away. A new town. A new apartment. A new life.’ Adam stepped towards me and reached for my hand. ‘I can be a plumber anywhere and you can find a job you actually like.’
You should do something you love.
The words Adam’s dad had said to me when I’d met him popped into my head. I’d dismissed his statement as flawed. Work was work. It wasn’t meant to be fun. But maybe I’d been too hasty. Maybe there was another option.
Adam squeezed my hand. His warm touch felt calm and comforting. We were connected.
Maybe he was right. Maybe we needed a fresh start. If we moved away it would be just the two of us again. His indiscretion, his mistake, could be left here in the past.
I swallowed as I stared into Adam’s eyes, trying to read his thoughts. I wanted to believe him. He was promising me everything I’d ever wanted. He painted a picture of our future that was so captivating that it almost felt real.
Almost.
I nibbled my lower lip as doubt began to creep into my thoughts. What if the past wasn’t left behind? What if it couldn’t be? His affair was part of him; part of his character; his nature. It had become part of us now too. We couldn’t outrun it just by moving to a new place. It would follow us. We would carry it with us in the boxes we packed and memories we carried. It would always be there, the constant reminder of his betrayal. Proof that once again I hadn’t been good enough to keep what I loved.
He might leave her behind, but there’d be women wherever we ended up. There’d always be temptation. Would he succumb again? Would I believe him even if he didn’t?
I’d made a life for myself here. It was a job I didn’t like, and an apartment that would probably never feel like me, but they were mine.
Could I really walk away from all of that for someone who had cheated on me?
Adam’s expression hardened. His hopeful pleading look morphed into a scowl. I might not be able to read his thoughts but he could read mine. ‘You’re such a coward, Jess.’
I bristled at his words. ‘I’m not a coward. I’m just more grounded than you. I have ties here. Commitments.’
‘You have tethers.’
I yanked my hand free from his. ‘That’s not fair.’
‘You’re so scared to break free, to take a chance, to do something different, go somewhere different.’
I slid down from the breakfast bar stool and stepped forwards. ‘Where would we go, Adam? What would we do? What would I do?’
‘Whatever you what, that’s the point.’
‘I…’
‘Argh.’ Adam let out a strangled groan. ‘You’re impossible. I have a plan, Jess, and you’re screwing it up. You’re so scared to leave your life here. It’s as though you view it as some kind of safety net that’s protecting you. But you don’t realise it’s not a safety net, Jess. It’s a cage. You’re trapped and I’m trapped right along with you.’
‘You feel trapped? With me?’
‘Where would you be without me, Jess? You’d have to start again with someone new. Do you really want that? Do you think you could find someone who could accept you the way I do?’
I shook my head. There was no one like him. Despite his flaws, despite his betrayal, I still wanted him. Still needed him.
‘So make a decision, Jess. For once in your life, stop living by what your mother wants and what you’re expected to do. Stop seeing every opportunity, every adventure, as a red flag.’
I squinted at him. There was something about his features that I’d never noticed before. The way his expression contorted as he mocked me. There was a harshness to it, just as there was in his words. It wasn’t good-humoured teasing; it was spiteful and belittling, intended to hurt.
‘What’s that look for?’
I blinked. ‘Wh-what look?’
‘You look like a hurt animal.’
I drew back as though I’d been physically struck. ‘I—’
Adam shrugged. ‘I can’t say anything to you without you getting all hurt and indignant.’
‘You feel trapped with me. How am I not supposed to be hurt by that?’
‘I told you.’ Adam paced the living room. ‘It’s this place. It’s everything. It’s driving me crazy. I have to get away from it.’
My pulse raced. I was this place. I was part of it. It was part of me. Right now Adam wanted me to go with him, but what would happen when he realised he wanted to leave me behind too? I’d have given up everything for him. I’d have nothing. Was I willing to take that chance on us? On him?
Adam stopped pacing and glared at me. ‘I don’t know why I tried to talk to you about this. I knew you wouldn’t listen. Not to me. You only listen to your crazy mother.’
‘She’s not crazy.’ I spat the words at him. It was one thing to attack me, but how dare he insult my mother?
Adam snorted. ‘You have no idea, Jess. You’re clueless about everything. When are you going to wake up? You don’t know her. Not the way you think you do.’
‘What’s that supposed to mean?’
‘Your mum’s right. You do have a selective memory. You choose to forget how she treats you. How she treats us. You’ll always choose her over us, no matter what.’
He shook his head and marched out of the living room. The front door slammed behind him. I stared at the empty doorway. He’d left. We were in the middle of a row and he’d just left.
When things got tough, he left. Just like the others. Just like Dad.
My shoulders slumped as my strength evaporated. So that was it. It was over. I’d known it days ago, but I hadn’t wanted to admit it. I was still hoping it would change. That Adam would return, and everything would be okay, my Adam, the one I’d fallen in love with, not the imposter he had become. But, of course, it wasn’t going to be that simple.
It was stupid, really. I, of all people, knew better than to hope. Or at least I should have done. But hope was a crafty little thing. It had sneaked up on me without me even noticing, until it was too late. And then there was no escape. It had lodged itself in my routine and nothing I could do could shake it free. Even when everything was clearly set against me, it remained, causing me to constantly cling on to the impossible. I never learned.
I guess as much as I’d known the truth, I still couldn’t let go of the fantasy. He saw me. For the first time someone saw through my invisibility and liked me for who I was. I was good enough. I was better than good enough, to him I was beautiful and wanted. At least in the beginning.
Everything was hinged on the belief that the version he saw of me was real. But the only way I could keep believing was if he kept saying those wonderful things. It felt like our relationship was crumbling and with it so was the illusion of that version of me.
Where did that leave me?
Even now, even after he’d walked away, he’d abandoned me, I was still waiting, still hoping that somehow we could figure it out. We’d find a way.
It was foolish.
I was foolish.
I was pinning my hopes on someone else again. Waiting for them to make me feel valid. To feel worth something.
My gaze fell upon Adam’s tool bag, dumped in the middle of the hallway. He never put it away. He left it there obstructing the pathway. I never complained. I just walked around it. I didn’t want to make a fuss.
I felt something shift inside me, like a sudden change of the tide.
I should be stronger.
I picked up his bag, opened the front door and slung it out into the corridor. It landed with a satisfying thud.
‘You can’t keep doing this to me, Adam. I won’t let you!’ I yelled. I heard his footsteps pause, before continuing down the stairs and out of the building.
I nodded and slammed the door.
I was stronger.
Anger burned inside me. How dare he yell at me and insult me and then just walk away as though I didn’t matter? How dare he think he could dictate my life and not listen to my concerns?
If he didn’t feel I was good enough for him then so be it. Maybe he wasn’t good enough for me.
I marched to the bedroom and flung the wardrobe door open.
I’d been so wrong about Adam. It would never have been what I imagined in my head; in my heart. It was always going to fail.
I grabbed his clothes; there weren’t many, he never left much here, just a couple of shirts and a spare pair of jeans. I threw them in a heap on the floor.
I stopped. I could throw him out but then what? What if he ended up with her? I’d have cleared the path. I’d have given him to her.
I clenched my fists.
She’d have won.
My nails dug into my palms, but I didn’t care. It felt good to feel something; pain, anger, hatred. It was invigorating. Like a charge of electricity running though my body.
I kicked the pile of clothes, sending them sprawling across the bedroom floor. There had to be another way. A better way. I wasn’t going to lose. Not this time.
I knew I was spiralling and desperate. It felt like Adam had been key to help me find myself and learn how to have fun, to live, not just to survive. I didn’t want to go back to my life without him. But the black and white reality was crashing in on me. It was terrifying. What would I do to keep someone who I didn’t even like?