‘You’ve had issues with your memory before.’
I stared at PC Davidson. It sounded like a statement rather than a question, but he paused as though waiting for me to respond.
What could I say? If I denied it I would look like a liar, but from my perspective my memory worked fine. It was other people who thought it was faulty.
They talked about things that hadn’t happened. Things I’d done. Things I’d said. But it wasn’t real. It couldn’t be.
‘I see from your file that you received counselling for it.’
Another statement.
I shuffled.
‘How is your memory now, Jess?’
‘It’s fine,’ I replied through clenched teeth.
What if…?
Mum’s question hung in the air. What if I’d done it? What if I’d killed him?
I could tell PC Davidson everything. I could explain our troubled relationship, reveal my past mistakes. I could tell him the truth, the whole truth, and let him investigate. He’d find the answer. He’d resolve it for me. I’d finally know one way or the other.
‘Miss Harper?’
I blinked and felt my face flush.
‘You looked like you wanted to say something.’
‘I just…’ I took a deep breath. ‘I just wanted to say thank you for what you’re doing for Adam.’
Disappointment weighed heavily in my stomach. I was a coward.
‘We’ll find out what happened to him soon, I promise.’ There was a steeliness to his eyes as they locked with mine. Were his words meant to reassure or unnerve me?
I nodded slowly. ‘I hope so.’
Another lie.
I didn’t want him to find the truth. Not really. I wasn’t sure I could handle it. Some things were better left unknown.
I should be stopped. If I’d killed Adam, then what would be next? Who would be next?
Yet there was a little voice in my head that screamed at me that it wasn’t me. I couldn’t have been me. It was the same voice that had been with me for years, constantly protesting my innocence no matter what happened. Even against overwhelming evidence to the contrary, that voice held strong. It never quit. It never wavered.
That voice had been wrong before.
He arched an eyebrow. ‘What was your mother’s relationship with Adam like?’
I blinked at the sudden change in topic.
‘She didn’t like Adam, did she?’
I snorted. ‘She detested him.’
‘That must have been hard.’
I tried to shrug his comment off, but I couldn’t. ‘I wanted her to see him the way I did.’
‘But she couldn’t.’ He paused and tapped his pen against his notepad. ‘Or wouldn’t.’
‘No. She never gave him a chance. She never gave us a chance.’
‘So, when you discovered Adam was cheating on you…’ PC Davidson drew in a deep breath and shook his head. ‘You realised that she’d been right about him all along.’
I gritted my teeth. ‘Yes.’ It grated on me to admit it. It was almost worse than Adam’s betrayal, the fact that Mum had been right about him. About me.
‘You must have hated that.’
I squirmed. His insight was too accurate. It was unnerving.
‘You’re close to your mother, aren’t you?’
‘Of course. She’s my mother.’
‘It’s been just the two of you for a long time.’
I nodded. ‘Dad left when I was seven.’
‘I’m sorry.’
I squinted at him. There seemed to be genuine sympathy in his voice. I hadn’t expected that. Not from him.
‘The details about your dad came up in our background check on you.’
I nodded. I wondered what else his file said. Abandoned as a child. Emotionally scarred. Unwanted. Unloved.
‘I can’t imagine how difficult it must have been for you to cope with a loss like that.’
‘I missed him so much.’ I sniffed. ‘I’d always been Daddy’s little girl. It was hard to accept that he could just leave me like that.’ I blinked and wiped away my tears with the back of my hand. The truth was it was still hard to accept it. Even now.
‘Grief is difficult for anyone, especially a child.’
‘Grief?’ I frowned. I’d never thought of it in that way before, but… ‘Yes, I suppose that’s what it was.’ I nibbled my lip. ‘But I think the hardest thing was knowing it was his choice.’
‘I’m sorry?’
‘He chose to leave us. To leave me. He chose not to come back.’
I leaned against the window, my nose pressed against the cold glass.
‘What are you doing?’
I kept my back to her. I didn’t want to answer. I knew Mummy would disapprove. I was being naughty. No, not naughty. Silly. That was worse.
‘Jessica?’
‘Waiting,’ I mumbled quietly, hoping she wouldn’t hear.
‘For what?’
I heard her heavy footsteps cross the living room and stop behind me. I twisted round to look at her through bleary tearful eyes. ‘Daddy.’
Her lips pursed and deep creases dug into her forehead.
I shuffled closer to the window.
‘What did I tell you about Daddy?’
I dropped my head and stared at my fluffy pink slippers. ‘That he’s never coming back.’
‘Exactly. So stop moping around looking for him. He’s not coming.’
A tear left a cold damp path down my cheek. ‘But…’ I paused, searching for courage. ‘It’s my birthday.’ I looked up at Mum and her gaze met mine. ‘He’ll come back for my birthday.’
Mum’s eyes narrowed as she glared at me. I’d made her mad. I tried to step back but bumped into the window behind me.
She grabbed my arm and pulled me towards her as she leaned down over me. ‘Never means never, Jessica. He’s not coming back for your birthday, for Christmas, for anything. He’s gone, do you hear me?’
Tears streamed down my face. I nodded frantically.
Mum’s grip tightened as she shook my arm. ‘Stop snivelling.’
I tried to stem my tears, but it just made them flow more.
‘Is it any wonder why he left? Why would he want to be here with a cry baby like you?’
A sob escaped my lips.
‘I said that’s enough.’
I nodded and balled my fists together, fighting to regain control. My fingernails dug into my palms. I winced in pain, but it felt good. Calming.
Mum nodded slightly and took a deep breath.
‘You have me, Jess. I’m still here.’ Her voice had softened, but there was still an edge to it. ‘Or aren’t I good enough?’
Guilt and fear engulfed me, surging through my sorrow. I shook my head. ‘No, Mummy. Don’t say that.’ I swung my arms around her waist and clung to her. She couldn’t leave me too. ‘You’re good enough. I promise, you are.’
‘Miss Harper, what exactly do you think happened to your dad?’
I stared at him. It was a strange question. ‘I thought you said you had it in your records?’
‘We do, but…’ The two men exchanged a look. There was something about it. The way their brows furrowed. It was almost as though they were confused. Bewildered, even.
‘He left.’
‘Left, as in…?’ PC Davidson arched his eyebrow as he leaned forward on the table.
‘Left as in left.’ I shrugged. How much more simply could I put it? ‘He went to work one morning and just never came home. He left.’
The same look passed between them again.
‘What’s going on? Why all the questions about my dad?’
‘Your dad didn’t just leave, Miss Harper.’ PC Davidson cleared his throat. ‘I’m sorry, but he died.’