I hung up my mobile and slipped it back into my pocket as I stood outside the hospital.
‘Jess?’
I glanced up at the familiar voice.
I swallowed. ‘PC Davidson.’ I nodded cautiously as he walked away from the entrance towards me. ‘Are you here to see me?’
He shook his head. ‘No, I was here on another case.’
I let out the breath I had been holding.
‘Were you visiting your mother?’
I nodded. ‘I’m just waiting for my friend to give me a lift, so I can go and get my car from Anvil Point.’
‘Are you sure there isn’t someone else who could collect your car for you?’
I smiled. ‘Probably, but I feel like it’s something I needed to do myself.’
‘Do you think it’s a good idea for you to go back there again?’
I nodded. ‘I think I need to see it one last time.’
‘One last time? You’re not…’ His voice trailed away. ‘Last time you went there you were so distressed, I wondered if you were…’
‘Going to join Adam?’
His nod was so slight it was barely visible.
‘It had crossed my mind.’ I cringed. It had more than crossed my mind. ‘I thought I’d…’
‘You thought you’d killed Adam.’
‘There were so many things I couldn’t remember. Bad things.’
‘Because you were never responsible.’
I nodded. ‘I know that now, but right then I was so scared. Scared of what I could already have done. Scared of what else I might do. I didn’t want to be like that. I didn’t want to risk hurting anyone else.’
‘But it wasn’t you.’
‘You thought it was.’
His cheeks flushed. ‘It was a possibility.’
I raised an eyebrow.
‘Okay, a strong possibility,’ he admitted grudgingly. ‘But I wasn’t convinced.’
‘Why not?’
He shook his head. ‘Call it gut instinct, I guess. Something just never quite added up to me.’
I frowned. ‘Is that why you followed me?’
He cleared his throat. ‘After I dropped you off at your apartment, I saw you head straight to your car.’ He shrugged. ‘It seemed strange. You were so distraught. I was curious about where you would go in that state.’
I chuckled. ‘So much for believing my innocence.’
He shrugged again. ‘I needed to be sure, one way or the other.’
‘So did I.’
‘Do you want some company while you wait for your friend?’
I glanced at him and could see the hesitation in his eyes. Was he afraid that I might still try and join Adam? I might know the truth now, I wasn’t responsible for his death, but my world had crumbled. I’d lost everything now. Everyone.
‘I’d like that.’ My answer surprised me. Surely the police officer who had been digging into my life for the past few days was the last person I should voluntarily want to spend more time with.
He gestured to a bench and we fell into step as we walked towards it. ‘Thanks for your help with everything, PC Davidson.’
‘It’s Simon.’ I glanced at him and he smiled. ‘You’re not a suspect any more.’
I nodded. It felt freeing to hear those words. It was over.
Almost.
‘I need to see the notebook again.’
He shook his head. ‘It’s evidence, Jess.’
‘I need to check…’ We reached the bench and I sat down slowly. ‘Mum started writing in that book after Dad left.’
Died.
I closed my eyes as the correction reverberated through me. I knew the truth now. He hadn’t just left. He’d died. But had there been something about that moment that triggered a change in Mum?
‘I opened the book part way through. I never read the beginning.’
‘I’m sorry, Jess.’
‘But you’ve read it?’ If he wouldn’t let me see it, maybe he would at least tell me what it said.
‘I have.’
‘And?’
‘I told you, it’s evidence.’
‘It’s my life.’
‘Jess.’ There was a warning tone to his voice.
I shoved my hands into my pockets as a cold wind whipped up around us. I glanced up at the dull sky. There was a storm coming.
‘I need to understand. She’s my mum. She framed me.’ I took a breath. ‘My own mother framed me.’ I stared into his eyes, pleading with him to understand; to help me. ‘If Mum chased people out of my life to protect me, to keep me close to her, then why would she frame me? Why would she want me to believe I was capable of those things?’
‘Maybe she hoped that by destroying your trust in yourself, you would become dependent on her. You wouldn’t make new friends, you wouldn’t want to date, because you would always be afraid of what might happen to anyone you let into your life.’
‘You mean she wanted me to be afraid of what I might do to them.’
‘I wish I could say something that would make this less painful for you.’
I took a deep breath of the cold February air. ‘And my dad? Why would Mum lie about what happened to him?’
Simon shook his head. ‘Maybe she was traumatised. Maybe she couldn’t process his death and needed to believe he was still alive, that there was a possibility that he could come home. Or maybe to protect you from the pain of knowing the truth.’
I nibbled my lower lip. I wanted to accept it. His theories were plausible. And yet doubts had lodged themselves firmly in my head.
‘Mum wasn’t protecting me, though. She didn’t create a fairy-tale where Dad was alive and going to return. She was adamant that he was never coming back and that it was all my fault. She wanted me to believe he had a choice. She wanted me to believe I was the reason he abandoned us. She wanted to punish me.’
‘Grief can do strange things to people.’
‘Or maybe she blamed me.’
Simon frowned. ‘For what?’
‘Dad’s death. He’d been in a hurry to get me to school on time. If he hadn’t been rushing…’
‘You don’t know that, Jess. You don’t know if he fell because he was in a hurry, or if he tripped at the top of the stairs, or if—’ He stopped abruptly.
‘Or if…?’
He kept his gaze fixed on the hospital building.
Just like before.
‘Or if it wasn’t an accident?’
It was the question that had burned in my mind since I’d read Mum’s notebook. If she could kill Adam, then who was safe?
Simon inhaled deeply. ‘There is no evidence to suggest that it was anything other than an accident.’
‘But Mum’s notebook?’
‘She never actually admits to any wrongdoing.’
‘But you think she did it? You think she was capable?’
‘Hard to say for sure. The evidence against her for Adam’s disappearance is mostly circumstantial, but…’
I studied him closely. ‘You think she could have done it, though?’
Simon lowered his gaze to the ground, avoiding meeting my eyes.
‘Will Mum be charged for Dad’s death, too?’
‘It’s doubtful.’
I stopped. ‘But you will investigate?’
‘Of course, Jess. But it was a long time ago. His death was ruled an accident. His body was cremated. Unless your mum confesses…’
‘There’s no proof.’
He shook his head.
‘She’ll get away with it.’
‘Maybe. We have enough to charge her for Adam’s disappearance. We’ve found sleeping pills at her house along with a receipt for a bottle of whisky. And when we recover Adam’s body that should give us more evidence.’
I nodded but somehow it didn’t seem enough.
‘What will you do now?’ Simon asked.
I gazed at him blankly. ‘I don’t know.’
‘You have to find a way to let go, Jess.’
‘Why should I?’ I cringed, aware that I sounded like an insolent child. ‘I have the right to be indignant, don’t I? The people I loved most lied to me and betrayed me. They were the two people who were meant to care about me, to love me, and yet…’
‘Yes, you have the right to be hurt and angry and every other emotion that you are feeling right now, but at some point you have to let go.’
I opened my mouth, ready to object again, but Simon put his hand on my shoulder. ‘Because they have stolen enough of your life, of your time, your heart. Do you really want to let them take any more?’
I clamped my mouth shut. It was a valid question. Of course I didn’t.
‘How can you ever move on, Jess, if you can’t let go?’
He was right. I had to find a way to move forward. I couldn’t go back to how things had been; to how I had been. I knew that. Too much had changed. I’d changed. But what else was there? What if I’d left it too late to start again? What if I repeated the same mistakes? What if I wasn’t able to be different?
‘I’m afraid that…’ I paused. How could I explain? How could anyone ever understand? To anyone else it would sound weird and stupid. On the surface it seemed so simple, so easy to avoid the same pattern. Just do what you want. Be what you want. Live.
‘I don’t know how to live.’ The confession slipped from my lips.
I could feel his gaze on me. He was studying me. No doubt assessing my sanity. Only a short time ago that would have made me want to disappear and hide. But strangely, today it didn’t bother me. He’d uncovered all there was to know about me. He’d seen the worst parts of my life. He’d thought I could have murdered a man. It was doubtful that I could fall lower in his expectation than I already had. And yet he was still here, patiently waiting for me to continue.
‘I don’t know how to. Not really. I never did. I’d slipped from the world without anyone noticing. Not even me. Not at first.’
Had I been kept away, or had I chosen it? Perhaps it didn’t even matter now. The only thing knowing achieved would be to know where to lay the blame.
I knew where Adam thought the blame lay. But maybe it wasn’t that clear cut.
‘Maybe none of us really know,’ Simon said quietly. ‘I think most of us are just making it up as we go along. I know I am.’
Now it was my turn to stare at him.
‘You?’ I frowned. ‘But you seem so confident. So self-assured.’
He chuckled. ‘I have faith in my abilities as a police officer. I work hard. I do a good job. But that doesn’t mean I know everything. I’m always learning. And beyond work…’ He shrugged. ‘Well, that’s just a case of testing things out. Going new places. Meeting new people. Seeing what fits.’
‘I’m still scared.’
He nodded. ‘Yeah, it’ll be daunting at first. I’ve been finding my way my whole life and it still catches me off guard sometimes. For you it will all be new. But that doesn’t mean it won’t be worth it.’
‘I don’t think I even know where to start.’
‘Make a list of things you want to do. Start at the top and work your way down.’
I ground my toe against the pavement. ‘I don’t even know what I want to do.’
He nudged my arm with his elbow. ‘In that case you’ll just have to try everything until you figure it out. It could be kind of fun.’
‘I’m…’ My voice cracked. ‘I’m not sure I’m brave enough. Not without Adam. Not alone.’
‘One thing I am certain of is that you are stronger than you realise.’ He smiled. A wobbly, tentative smile that made him look nervous. ‘But maybe you don’t have to do it alone. Not because you can’t, but because you choose not to.’