‘No one would be surprised if you disappeared for a while.’ Adam shrugged and shook his head slowly. ‘Your mum killed your boyfriend, everyone would understand if you needed to be alone to deal with that.’
‘Adam…’ My legs trembled beneath me as I edged backwards away from him. This was the man I had once loved. The man who had been my life. Surely he wouldn’t hurt me. Not physically.
But then I was starting to realise that people were capable of anything. Even people that supposedly loved me.
‘You’d send them a postcard or two, just so they don’t worry about you.’
I couldn’t stand here and be helpless. I’d spent my life doing that. Look where it had got me.
Fear and frustration coursed through my veins and I sprinted to the left, but Adam lunged forward. He grabbed my arm and tugged me towards the house.
‘What are you doing? Where are you taking me?’ I fought against him, twisting and turning, desperate to break free from his grasp.
‘Somewhere where you can’t tell anyone what you know.’
‘Somewhere you can lock me away?’ I’d be a prisoner, more than I already had been. I’d spent a lifetime trapped in the shadows, fearful of what I might do, of who I might be. But I was never the villain.
‘I know this is a lot to take in. You just need a little time to come around to the idea.’
‘You’re kidnapping me.’
‘I’m helping you. It’s for your own good.’
Adam had never seen me as a villain. Only a victim. He’d wanted to change me; to help me. To make me stronger; to make me his.
I was done being the victim of my own naivety. I was done trusting other people more than I trusted myself.
I didn’t need him to save me. In truth, I never really had. All I’d needed was to realise that there was another way; that I had a choice. I’d been so blinkered by the past, by Mum’s blame, that I had lost sight of who I was and how strong I could be.
I’d never fought for myself, because I didn’t think I was worth it. I’d been taught that I was worthless, that what I wanted didn’t matter.
But it did.
It was the one thing that mattered most.
And I wanted more than this. More than him.
I kicked his shins, but his grip tightened. ‘I don’t want to hurt you, Jess.’
I shoved my hand in my pocket, my fingers wrapped around the house key. It wasn’t much. But it was all I had.
I pulled my hand free from the pocket and lunged at him with the key. He yelled as I scraped it against his cheek. He pushed me away, loosening his grip and I staggered backwards.
An angry line of red blood surged from his skin as he glared at me. ‘What do you think you are doing, Jess? Where do you think you can go? Look around you, the only escape is past me.’
My eyes darted left and right, searching for a way out. But Adam was right. The house was behind him. He would never let me get to it. I cast a nervous glance behind me.
Can you get down to the beach from here?
Adam’s question sprang into my brain from the first day I had brought him here to meet Mum.
I staggered closer to the cliff edge. It wasn’t a smart idea. The cliff was steep and unstable, and in the midst of a storm… I shuddered. What choice did I have?
Adam edged towards me. ‘Your Mum was right, you know, you should watch your footing up here.’ His voice sounded nervous.
I glared at him. ‘You expect me to believe you care?’
‘I do care, Jess. It’s not too late. You can still join me.’ He held his hand out.
It was tempting. I could take his hand. We could walk together away from the cliff. Away from this madness. I could play along. I could bide my time. I could wait for an opportunity to escape.
But what if no opportunity arose? What if this was it?
I gritted my teeth. I was tired of doing what I was supposed to. Of being meek and obedient. I was tired of playing it safe and being afraid to take a chance.
This was my chance.
I pivoted and rushed to the edge.
‘Jess, no!’
I took a tentative step on the slope.
Adam rushed towards me. He grabbed my arm and pulled me back up to the top. ‘I can’t let you do this. You’ll fall.’
I fought against him.
‘What do you care? You’re going to kill me, anyway.’
‘No, I don’t want to hurt you. I just need to keep you quiet.’
‘I loved you.’ My voice was barely a whisper against the wind.
Adam shrugged and I felt his grip relax. ‘Sometimes that isn’t enough.’
I shook my head. ‘It should be. It should be everything.’
‘Not this time, Jess.’
I took a deep breath. ‘Every time,’ I said as I jerked to the right and dove to the ground, pulling free from Adam’s grip again.
He lunged at me, but I kicked him. He staggered backwards. Fear flashed in his eyes as his footing slipped. ‘Jess!’
‘Adam!’ I scrambled to the edge, as his arms flailed.
He disappeared from view. I peered over the edge. I half expected him to be clinging to the side, ready to reach out and pull me over. But he was gone. The only sign of him were the ripples in the waves where he had splashed into the water.
I covered my mouth and watched as they dissipated. Until it was as though he’d never been there at all.
I backed away, before turning back to the garden. My eyes scanned the grass, searching for my phone. I saw it and ran towards it. I dropped to my knees and keyed in my passcode. I hit the phone icon and the keypad appeared: 9… 9… I stared at it. Calling the police was the right thing to do. It was self-defence. I hadn’t done anything wrong. Surely they would see that. But what if they didn’t believe me? What if they didn’t believe it had been an accident?
I pressed the delete key and watched the numbers disappear.
A stranger might not believe me, but there was one person who would.
Call me if you think of anything.
Simon had given me his number at the beginning. He’d called me from it when he’d asked me to go into the station. I’d saved it in my contacts list. I scrolled through the numbers until his name appeared.
I hit the dial button and pressed the phone to my ear.
It rang once…
What would happen once he knew? Everything would change. Mum would be innocent. Would she be released? Would she be free to return to her life? To my life?
She hadn’t killed Adam, but she’d thought about it. She’d planned it. If Adam hadn’t beaten her to it, would she have gone through with it?
Twice…
I shuddered. The frightening thing was, I knew it was possible. Given all the things I had learnt about her, I no longer had the luxury of trusting my mother. She’d poisoned people against me, damaged their property, all for simply dating me. She’d made me think the reason I was alone was because I wasn’t good enough. She’d messed with my life, but also with my head. My innocence was no longer in question now, but that didn’t eradicate my memories.
She’d let the police arrest me for what she had done. She’d sent me to psychologists to help me control my behaviour. But it was never me that had really needed the help.
Three times…
And what about Dad?
Just like before.
Would Adam have been her first victim? Or had Dad been?
I glanced back over my shoulder at the waves in the distance. My freedom wasn’t at risk. At least not from the police. But my mother…
What would happen to me if she was released? Somehow she’d find her way back into my life. Interfering. Controlling. I’d never be free of her. And next time maybe she really would kill someone. Adam was right, I believed she was capable of it now.
Four times…
I’d spent a lifetime in the shadows, first Mum’s, then Adam’s. Was it possible to change? To take everything I’d known, everything I was and become something different? Someone different?
Not if Mum was with me.
If Mum was free then I never would be. It wouldn’t matter where I went, or who I was with, I’d always be looking over my shoulder, waiting for her to find me. Waiting for her to destroy me. Again.
But without her…
What if it was too late? What if I’d missed my opportunity? What if I’d missed my chance of having my own life? A good life?
‘Hi, Jess. Is everything all right?’
All I had to do was tell him. I could save Mum like she’d always tried to save me. I’d be free of the guilt. Free of the burden. The truth would finally be out there.
Except Mum hadn’t saved me. Not really.
She never had.
‘Jess?’
I could hear concern in his voice.
Maybe it wasn’t too late. Maybe I could still have the life I’d always wanted.
There was only one way to find out.
‘Is something wrong?’
This was it, my chance to tell the truth.
I lied.