Feeling magnificent after the lesson, Kittie was determined to join more of them. She had enjoyed it so much that she was certain she would spend the rest of her days eagerly studying, ignoring every ball and every event where she was meant to be wooed by men who cared nothing for her intellect.
It was so difficult, trying to discern what she could possibly do in order to convince her brother that this was the best thing for her. Richard would never understand. He didn’t know where she belonged or the fact that her mind was her greatest source of strength and her greatest joy. He didn’t seem to be willing to even consider that Kittie had a reason for working so hard to read and learn things he found useless for her.
She wanted to be as intelligent as a man and didn’t think that would be so hard to accomplish. Surely, she was every bit as capable of the mental strengths required for a man’s education. Although she knew society would never allow her many of the tasks that she would so enjoy pursuing with her mind, she imagined that it could still be useful for a husband to have a clever wife. Didn’t some men even desire that? Did they really all want a wife who could do nothing more than play the pianoforte?
***
When Jane came to see Kittie, it was a wonderful opportunity to share with Jane the many things she had learned and how eager she was to study even more.
“And I cannot believe what numbers can do, Jane! You would be astonished that a simple matter of five and twenty can be placed into a calculation that builds our nation. It is not merely about multiplication and finance, but of engineering and science as well. I have never heard anything so remarkable as some of the things he was showing us,” Kittie said, going on about it more and more.
“Why do you care, Kittie? There is a reason we are not taught mathematics like this. It is dull and we have no use for it. Think about it. The only mathematics we must truly know is that one earl plus the daughter of another earl equals a marriage and then we may multiply to see how many children they have,” Jane said, laughing at her equation.
Kittie raised an eyebrow at Jane, making a sarcastic expression that she hoped would let Jane know that she was unamused.
“Good heavens, Kittie, you might at least laugh for me. I am only trying to say that you need not put so much effort into all of this when it is of no use to you in the future. Think about it. Would Richard allow you to become some grand mathematician? Would society allow for that? Probably not. So why are you even considering it?” Jane asked.
“Because I want more than needlework, Jane. And I would love to be married and have children, but I believe that women are capable of doing those things and still having a mind of our own. Do you not ever wonder why you are expected to always simply marry and then follow whatever thoughts or insights your husband has, whether you agree with them or not? Have you never considered that your own opinions might matter as well?” Kittie challenged her.
Jane took a deep breath and didn’t look at Kittie directly. It was obvious that she was embarrassed at not having thought about it thoroughly.
Kittie tried not to be irritated with her. After all, Jane was just doing what most women did. She was trying to be the perfect, most ideal woman. Kittie didn’t blame her for that. She understood how much easier it was to follow this path, even if she didn’t think it was a very wise one.
“Jane, I just wish that you would hear me when I say that we are all capable of so much more. You included. You should not relegate yourself to nothing more than doing what you are told, when you are told to do it,” Kittie said.
“And I wish that you would stop trying to be better than the rest of us all the time,” Jane said, bitterly.
Kittie gasped. She had never thought of herself as trying to be better than others. She didn’t know why Jane would even say that. Kittie was curious, yes, but she didn’t consider herself better than others.
“What do you mean by that?” she asked.
“Surely you must know what I mean. You are always trying to show up all the other young women. Do you deny it?” Jane asked.
“Of course, I deny it. I am just trying to enjoy my life and learn as best I can. I know that not every woman wants the things that I want, but I do not want what they all want either. I am just trying to be the person that I know I am meant to be, and I was unaware that it was so offensive to you. What did I do or say that made you believe I think myself better than you?” she asked.
“You are always going on and on about intelligent things that I do not understand. You say that it is simply because you are interested in those subjects, but what am I to do when I cannot possibly understand you?” Jane asked.
Kittie felt terrible. She’d never thought that she was alienating Jane or making her feel less clever. It was not her intention at all. She had known Jane was bored by the discussions of men’s subjects, but she didn’t know that she had made Jane feel this bad about it.
“I am sorry. I never meant to make you feel unintelligent. I will stop talking about it for a while. Tell me more about Lady Bell. You mentioned that she had sent you an invitation?” Kittie asked.
Jane paused and looked at Kittie with uncertainty. She didn’t know whether or not to talk about Lady Bell, but Kittie saw in her eyes that she was desperate to do so.
“Very well. Yes. She did. I have been invited to dine with her. Her son has just returned from the West Indies and he has no wife. There is a chance that I might be able to interest him,” Jane said.
“That is wonderful. I am very excited for you,” Kittie said, trying hard to be as eager as Jane clearly was.
Kittie knew that she would have to work hard to pay better attention to Jane. She was also hopeful that Jane really might have a good chance with Lady Bell’s son. If things worked out, Kittie would not feel so bad about all this and Jane would finally have found the man she wanted to be with.
At last, things would be better, would they not? Kittie hoped she could convince Jane to give her another chance, that they might be able to look past all of this and get back to normal.
And if Jane was unwilling to give her that chance, Kittie knew she would just have to find another way to get people to understand that her interest in intellect was not improper. It was simply a part of who she was.
Was that really so wrong?