Kittie tried her hardest to listen in to the lecture, but she was too far away. She had her door open and the door to the study was open as well, but it seemed like it was impossible, and she would have no choice but to try and strain or simply give up.
Richard was home. However, Kittie couldn’t be bothered worrying about him. He had taken something marvellous away from her. He wasn’t willing to let her learn, and she simply didn’t understand why anymore. At times, she had believed that Richard was starving her desire because he wanted her to focus on marriage, but now, it seemed as though he simply didn’t want her to do anything. It seemed that he was so desperate that he would never let her focus on her education.
In the past, she thought he had just wanted her to wait. He would eventually let her learn things, but only if she was being courted.
It was nonsense. Richard had no reason to take this from her and she wanted to fight for her chance at freedom, for her chance to be the intelligent woman she knew she was meant to be.
Kittie thought about what it would mean for her to listen and she realised that she would be fine to get closer. She couldn’t go to the study, but that didn’t mean she wouldn’t be able to find other ways of listening in and trying to learn.
She even considered how Richard might feel if she decided to sit in the study and do her sewing. Would he mind? How could he be angry at her if she was practising needlework or other such tasks?
But he would be. She knew it without a doubt. Richard would find any excuse to send her away and banish her to her bedroom and she would be forbidden from ever going anywhere near the study again.
When the lecture, a mumble of words she couldn’t discern from one another, had come to an end, Kittie rushed down the stairs and out the front door, deciding it was the perfect time to go for a walk. She was already on the path before Mr Whitman left the house and by the time Mr Whitman reached her, she sensed that he needed to be going quickly.
“It is good to see you,” he said. “I fear that I must get home this evening as soon as I can, but I expect we shall have a chance to speak again soon.”
Kittie’s heart sunk. She didn’t know why he was in such a hurry. Did he really have to go or was he just trying to get away from her? She ached to know what was going on and whether or not he really wanted to speak with her or if he was just making things up.
“I understand,” she said, sadly.
“I would stay, I really would. But my friend is coming to see me. I mentioned him before, Adam. He is the one who took me under his wing when my father passed away. He encouraged me to become a tutor,” he explained.
Kittie sighed in relief, glad that there really was a reason and that it was not a woman who was taking him away from her.
“You must go. Perhaps we will speak again tomorrow,” she said.
He smiled and paused as if to say something before turning away and continuing without another word.
Kittie watched him go and then returned to the house. She found Henry still in the study and sat down next to him.
“How was your lesson?” she asked him.
“It was good. He is an excellent tutor. I am relieved that Richard did not dismiss him entirely as I feared he might. It was frightening, you know, seeing how angry he was,” Henry said.
“Yes, it was. I worried that he was going to send Mr Whitman away and that all three of us would be in trouble. Well, I know that none of it was your fault and that I was the one who pushed Mr Whitman into allowing me to sit in on the lesson. It was a failure on my part, certainly,” she said.
“I understand that you just wanted to learn. It was better when you were here. I think Mr Whitman enjoyed it as well. Whenever I got frustrated, you would help me relax and it made everything better,” Henry said.
“Truly? You felt that way?” she asked.
“Of course. You always know the answers, but you are not annoying about it. You give me a chance to speak and then you help me find the answers. If I still cannot, that is when Mr Whitman would let you answer and you always did it in a way that made me feel that I could get it the next time,” he said.
Kittie was relieved to hear this as she had been worried before that she had bothered Henry, answering all the questions and getting in his way. When she thought about it now, she realised that she really didn’t answer all that many. She only stepped in when it was absolutely necessary.
“I hope that you get through this all right, Henry. You are a clever boy. You just have little interest in many of these subjects. Sometimes, I wish you would be the one to take on the needlework and pianoforte and I could study your lessons,” she teased.
“Ha! Me? Pianoforte? I would smash the ivories to bits and pieces. I know nothing about music,” he said.
“I know, but you are still capable,” she said.
“I suppose,” he said.
“What are you learning now?”
“We just finished a new poem in Greek. I like Greek, actually. I know that Mr Whitman prefers Latin, but I find Greek much easier to understand,” he said.
Kittie raised an eyebrow in surprise and then laughed. She had never imagined that Henry would be interested in Greek or that he would find it easier than Latin. All she knew was that Greek was supposed to be extremely difficult and she had no intention of trying to learn any time soon.
“I am glad that you are enjoying it,” she said.
“Yes, I am. And he has a way of making history more interesting. I honestly didn’t think I would like it very much, but it has been exciting. I know you probably enjoy it and never found it boring, but I cannot pretend that I am the same. In many ways, I just wish that I could be more like you,” he said.
“You should not wish to be like me, Henry. I am someone who does not fit where I belong and it gets me into trouble,” she said.
“But you are clever,” he reminded her.
“And I wish that cleverness was not my only feature. What I want is to be content. I have no interest in the life that brings contentment for an Englishwoman, but I would give anything to want that life if it meant that I could be happy,” she said.
“So, you wish you were just like all the others?” he asked, curious.
“Absolutely,” she replied. “Since that is the only choice I have in life, I wish I at least wanted it.”
In truth, Kittie knew her time was running out. She had pushed away Richard’s attempts to get her a match for long enough. Before she would have a chance to learn all that she wished, she would need to get married. Within the next few years, she would be older than most men wanted, and by that point, she would have no other options.
Although her heart longed for Mr Whitman, she knew it was impossible. She wondered if he had grown to care for her as well and, if he had, would that change anything? No matter what, they would never be allowed to be together. Richard wouldn’t stand for it.
But what if she didn’t give him a say in the matter? What if she simply made up her own mind and she did what she wanted, regardless of how he felt? Her life had been under his rule for such a long time. Was it not, at last, time that she be allowed to have a say in her own choices? Could she not, at last, do as she pleased?