I AM COMING WITH YOU,” I TOLD PAPA.
I was in the library, inking in the vertebrae of one of his prehistoric horses, when he’d come to tell me the news. His summer expedition to the Western Territories had been fully approved. The army had offered an escort. Union Pacific had granted free rail passes. And he had twelve paying Yale students keen to delve into the earth alongside him. Normally Papa relied on amateur prospectors to send him fossils. But this was to be the first expedition he headed himself. I fully intended to be a part of it, and had been telling him for months, but he’d made no promises.
He patted my hand. “My dear, it’s out of the question. The arrangements are made. Your aunt Berton has very kindly offered to host you here in New Haven, and she has planned your entire summer.”
“Yes, and I can guess what her plans involve. Picnics and church socials—and another debutante ball. I’ve done one, and I have no intention of doing another.”
There is a realization you have as a young woman—and it comes very soon, maybe twelve for me—when you walk into the room and know you might as well be invisible. You are not the prettiest thing in the room; you are not even in the running. Men’s gazes move over you as though you were a pattern on wallpaper or a pillar blocking their view of something more interesting. I knew what admiration looked like in a boy’s eyes—but only directed at other girls, not me.
It was crushing at first and made me angry, thinking men so unobservant. How could you see anything with such a cursory glance? Church picnics found me alone. Skating parties and sleigh rides too. But by and by, I became resigned. Men did not care for me, so I would not care for them. I tried to think of it as liberating. I did not have to mind my appearance or my posture; I did not have to laugh at feeble jokes or feign interest in dull talk. Loneliness had its own rewards, for it left my mind and energy free for the things that were truly important to me.
“Your aunt has only your best interests at heart,” said Papa.
“She hasn’t a clue about my interests. The natural sciences. Fossil hunting. All she wants to do is trot me around town until she finds me a fiancé.”
My father frowned at my bold talk, but with the vivid purpling bruise around his left eye, it only made him look like a sad clown.
“What on earth is wrong with being engaged?” Papa said.
“Nothing at all, except that I don’t want to be engaged right now, and maybe not ever. I want something different, and marriage would only get in the way.”
My father tilted back his head and rocked on his heels. “Ah, you’re talking about university again.”
“I can’t see any man allowing me to attend classes and scrabble in the dirt looking for fossils.”
Samuel Bolt, with his warm eyes and mop of hair, flitted across my mind, quick as a sparrow, and gone just as fast.
“Well, after marriage no woman should be scrabbling in the dirt,” said my father.
“And that is one of the many reasons I may never get married.”
Papa sighed wearily. “With attitudes like this, yes yes, I’m afraid you may end up a spinster.”
The word had always been hideous to me. It was “spit” and “spider” and “spindly” all wrapped into one. It was an ancient cocoon, long evacuated, dried out, and barren. It seemed such a cruel name for someone who, in some way or another, was unlucky or unusual or just different.
“I’d be willing to have that word on my tombstone,” I said, “so long as ‘paleontologist’ is above it, and in much bigger letters.”
He gave a small grin. Encouraged, I picked up the magnifying glass I’d been using to examine the vertebra.
“You gave me this, Papa. When I was eight. You encouraged me to start my own collections, to make a museum of my bedroom. You never advised me on dresses or the latest hair fashions, but you taught me how to find a fossil and use a killing jar, how to skin a bird, and how to shoot. For three years I’ve been drawing your specimens and seeing them published alongside your articles—”
All this time my father was nodding and patting the air as if trying to shush a tiresome orchestra.
“You have been an excellent helpmate to me, my dear. And many women have made a contribution to science in an amateur capacity.”
“I don’t want to be an amateur. I’ve heard you heap scorn on enough amateurs. Including Professor Bolt. I want to go to university and get a degree. There are women doctors now. Berkeley has just admitted its first woman engineer. Miss Maria Mitchell—”
“Self-taught,” my father interjected.
“—discovered a comet, and was the first woman admitted to the American Philosophical Society. That was some years ago! I would make a very good paleontologist, Papa. My school marks are excellent—”
“They are indeed—”
“So if you have any doubts about my abilities, let me come on this expedition and prove myself.”
“Yes yes,” he said, which, of course, did not mean yes. “And who would chaperone you?”
“I’ve never needed one before.”
“When you were younger, it was acceptable to come on the odd trip with me around the county. Even then, people thought it inappropriate. Now it would be quite scandalous. You’re not a child anymore—”
“Exactly—”
“You’re a young woman. And think of the journey. Even getting there by train is many days, and my companions are all young men.”
“I’ve met most of them already.” His students sometimes dined with us, and my father would hold court at the head of our enormous mahogany table in our fine dining room in our mansion, as they took their nourishment in both body and mind. “They’ve never shown the slightest interest in me. So I think it’s safe to say that I will not be wooed out west.”
“Perhaps, but men are men, and I can’t be at your side the whole time. We’ll be sleeping on trains, and once we begin, we’ll be camping with soldiers. Tents and crude latrines and army food. There’s nowhere for a young lady in all that. The terrain is savage.”
“I am quite capable of managing.”
“There are the Indians as well. The Sioux are renowned for their savagery.”
“But you’re not going to Indian territory,” I said.
“Ha! That doesn’t mean we won’t encounter them.”
“We’ll have the army with us. Anyway, I’m a better shot than you. I’ll prospect and draw fossils for you, and I will help cook the meals. I will shoot the meals if necessary. You said I was an excellent helpmate, so let me help.”
He was shaking his head. “It won’t do. It’s not safe, and it’s not appropriate.”
“Papa—” I began, but this time when his hand lifted it was like a shield.
“You will stay with your aunt and be a help to her, and spend your summer in New Haven. And that is an end to it.”
I said nothing, but I thought, Oh, no it isn’t.
I liked meetings. It was the one time in the week I could sometimes—not always, but sometimes—be guaranteed I wouldn’t hear Father’s voice for an entire hour.
Silent reflection. Quaker meetings could pass without a single word being spoken. You were supposed to listen and wait—and if you were moved by God’s spirit to speak, you could speak.
I’d never spoken. Maybe because my mind was always roving about. In any case, I didn’t think I had anything worth saying to the other Friends. Or God. But sometimes, in the middle of one of those big silences, I’d get a moment where I felt like there was a light spreading out from me. Across the room and beyond. It didn’t have a name, this light, and it didn’t have a shape or a meaning. But it was there, and I felt better for it.
Whenever Father cleared his throat, my gut clenched, because I knew what was coming. Most people, if they said anything, kept it quick. A prayer for a sick friend. A short Bible passage. Father made little speeches. Observations. Revelations. Dreams. Once he spoke about the beauty of God’s creation and how each blade of grass and beetle wing was sacred, and his voice shook, and I stared at the floor until he stopped, my cheeks burning. There was quiet after that—there was always supposed to be quiet—but this was beyond quiet. This was the quiet you heard when people stopped breathing. Or maybe even died of embarrassment. No one else said anything that meeting. Father had used up all the words. Afterward some of the Friends looked at me sympathetically. Even pityingly. One fellow put his hand on my shoulder and gave it a squeeze, like I’d just suffered a death in the family.
This Sunday morning my mind was even more restless than usual. Not because I was worried my father would speak.
But because I knew I would.
And the words in no way came from God.
I’d planned them out the night before, scratching and scribbling over and over in my head.
In my seat, I started, then lost my nerve, making a little cough-grunt. My father looked over at me questioningly. I stared at the floor, then finally lifted my head, my eyes screwed shut. I had planned carefully, and everything, everything, rested on this. I couldn’t back out now. My voice wavered.
“The Lord’s creation is vast. And there is still a great deal of it unnamed. I feel called upon to name it.”
I opened my eyes to the room’s silence. It had a new attentiveness to it. No one was looking right at me, but I felt like they were all leaning slightly toward me, wondering and waiting. My pulse was fast.
“I feel called upon to go west and see all of his great works, buried and waiting in the earth.”
I had them. I could feel it: the air before a lightning strike. They wanted to know more, to know what this normally silent boy had to say for himself. My voice wasn’t shaking anymore.
“I want to find all his creations and name them. I will go west, and continue Adam’s work!”
The big ocean silence lapped up my words, sucked them back into itself. I tilted my face to the floor. Now I did feel all the eyes of the congregation on me, including my father’s. I tried to look pious.
As we left the meeting hall, several Friends nodded and smiled at me, and a few offered me their hands to shake.
Farther down the street, alone, my father said, “Adam’s work. A stirring phrase. A fine speech.”
“It just came on me, very strong and sudden.”
Father was proud of his intellect. But I knew he was also a big believer in spiritual commandment. I wasn’t a practiced liar, but I was hell-bent on giving it a fair shake. Despite the cool air, I felt sweat on the back of my neck. My father stroked the foxy tips of his mustache.
“I must say, I’m surprised at your sudden fervor.”
“You speak out all the time!”
“When I’m truly moved—”
“And I can’t be truly moved? I have a very spiritual nature!”
Which would have surprised my schoolmasters. And everyone, really.
When Father spoke again, his voice was severe.
“Samuel, the things spoken in the meetinghouse are meant to be inspired by God.”
“We’re meant to go west,” I persisted. “What we’re doing would be God’s work—”
“Enough. Were you really hoping the Friends would contribute money?”
“No one values education like them,” I said, “and they’re always setting up schools and scholarships and—”
“You’ve embarrassed yourself, and me.”
“At least I was trying something!” I said. “Not just giving—”
“Mind your tone with me.”
“I thought it was our only chance. To dig it up ourselves.”
“We’ll just have to hope that our Mr. Plaskett has a good eye and a strong back.”
Back home, Father and I ate in the kitchen without speaking. All afternoon I tried not to think of the rex lying dormant in Wyoming Territory. Tried not to think of Rachel Cartland. I kept talking to her in my head. Like I was writing her a letter.
Dear Miss Cartland. Dear Rachel. I liked talking to you very much, and wondered if we could correspond. . . . Did you notice it, when we met, or am I alone in feeling . . . I was particularly interested in your views on salamanders. I don’t really care about salamanders. I’m sorry about what happened between our fathers, but don’t see why that should stop us being friends, do you? Ha ha ha! It’s rare to find someone who shares my interest in the natural sciences. What did you see when you looked at me? Because when I looked into your eyes . . . I hope your father wasn’t too badly bruised. . . . Actually, I hope his stupid head is swollen to the size of a pumpkin. My father can be hotheaded. I couldn’t tell if you hated me or liked me by the end, as we hauled our fathers off the stage. Our hands touched. Did you notice? Maybe we’ll see each other again at a lecture or meeting. I keep thinking of you.
As we lit the lamps, I began to feel very hopeless. Father was right. My plan with the Friends was a failure—and a huge embarrassment. And I’d probably never see Rachel Cartland again.
When our bell rang, quite late, Mrs. Saunders went, and then summoned my father. I followed from a distance. My pulse gave a hopeful kick when I caught a glimpse of John Eddington, one of the Friends, in the doorway. I hung back in the front room so I could hear their conversation.
“We were all of us moved by your boy’s words,” he said to my father. “The contributions came unasked, and I’ve collected them, for you to use as you see best. Very stirring, this idea of Adam’s work.”
I sat down in my father’s cane-backed office chair and stretched out my legs, resting my feet on an empty crate. After my father thanked Mr. Eddington profusely and wished him good night, he appeared around the corner. His face wore a look of utter bewilderment.
“How much is inside that envelope?” I asked.
He opened it and did a quick count. “Enough to mount an expedition.”
I gave a whoop of joy, and Father looked at me sternly, but only for a moment.
“We can’t disappoint the Friends, can we?” I said. “Not after all the faith they’ve shown in us.”
“No, we can’t,” said my Father, his face becoming especially foxlike with his wide smile.
“It seems we’re headed west,” I said.
Papa delivered me to Aunt Berton’s the day before he was to leave for the territories. We all had tea together in her parlor. I knew Father didn’t like Aunt Berton any more than I, but he was painfully polite, almost groveling. He relied on her financial support and good regard. Uncle Berton had died several years ago, leaving his widow to watch over the family fortune like a gargoyle atop a jeweled spire.
After tea I said a curt good-bye to my father. A maid took my luggage up to my room. I did not unpack.
My aunt and I had a quiet and almost comically mirthless dinner. She would occasionally cast a disapproving eye at me, and I would smile back brightly, which seemed to irritate her all the more.
“You’re disheveled,” she finally said.
“Am I?”
“You are, child. You will not attract a husband at this rate.”
“I suppose not.”
“You mean to be a burden to your father his whole life?”
“I am not so expensive to keep,” I said.
“Being motherless is a great misfortune,” she said, as if I’d brought it on myself. “Your father has let you become odd. I plan to make you more presentable this summer. It’s no easy thing to find a husband these days, after the war took so many of our young gentlemen. The men can have their pick. And who will they pick?”
“The prettiest and richest they can, I imagine,” I said.
She actually looked pleased. “Precisely. Now, the worst position to be in is to be both plain and poor. You at least are not poor. There is hope for you. You should take heart.”
“Thank you, Aunt Berton, I feel very cheered up.”
Aunt Berton went to bed early. Her room was just down the hall from mine.
None of the snakes I’d brought with me were poisonous, though one of them was very good at hissing and feinting like he meant to bite. I waited for an hour and then walked quietly down the hall, opened the door to Aunt Berton’s room, and waited for my eyes to adjust to the darkness.
My aunt slept soundly, though noisily, her skull encased in a nightcap. I let the three snakes out beside her bed. Some enthusiasts have claimed snakes are affectionate, but I believe they are just fond of warm places. I wasn’t sure how much heat Aunt Berton’s wizened frame produced, but it was a safe bet my snakes would find it ample. They quite liked armpits. I returned to my room and read a book until the screaming began.
Early next morning, my father was summoned to take me away.
Aunt Berton did not come downstairs to see us off. She remained in bed, exhausted by all the screaming she’d done last night.
“You did this on purpose, of course,” Papa said, as we drove off in the carriage.
I said nothing. I had learned his trick of just looking with an impassive expression. It was rare to see him flustered, but he was now, and angry.
“How could you do such a thing to your aunt?”
“I’ll need to come west with you now.”
“You think you should be rewarded for this escapade?”
“There’s nowhere else to go. No one will take me in on such short notice. I don’t imagine anyone would want to, anyway. Given the snakes.”
The horse clopped along.
Helpfully I said, “I suppose I could get a job as a tutor, or a companion for an infirm—”
“Stop it,” my father said. “Your aunt may change her mind.”
“She said under no circumstances was I welcome to sleep under her roof in the foreseeable future.”
He twitched the reins. “You have put me in a very awkward position.”
“You can’t just leave me unchaperoned. Think of the mischief I might get up to.”
My father sighed.
“I am looking forward to being an excellent helpmate to you,” I said, and took his arm.