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IT’S STRANGE THAT ALL I wanted was to be with Everleigh and the others; to be on the right side, in the thick of it, part of the group.
Now that I am, I feel ever so removed. Like an intruder.
When Everleigh hugs me I want to cry, but I don’t. When I see Della push Addyson’s hair back off her forehead I want to cry, but I don’t. When I see the easy friendship growing between Everleigh and Ceryn I want to cry, but I don’t.
I have sacrificed my place in this little group for the confused and contradictory feelings I have for my King and I want to cry, but I don’t.
I try to remember that none of them know what I have done. And I haven’t hurt anybody. And if I hadn’t freed Millard someone else probably would have, but I know I am trying to excuse something inexcusable. I have that much wisdom, at least.
“What do you think, Ginata?” Della’s question brings me out of my reverie and I smile at her. “Sorry, I was in a daze.”
“You always are lately,” Ceryn says and I realise how astute she is, this masked girl. She has spent her whole life being suspicious of people; so used to being treated poorly that she watches people more closely than most. Probably looking for ulterior motives or weaknesses she can exploit. I cannot let her see my heart.
I look at Della, not letting Ceryn see the uncertainty that I’m sure clouds my eyes.
“The coronation. What colour should Everleigh wear?”
“You look lovely in any colour,” I tell her and it’s true. Our Kingmaker and almost Queen is beautiful. Having people surrounding her that she loves, has made her lovelier still. The strain is leaving her face, and she’s looking happier and calmer by the minute.
“What about me, Everleigh?” Addyson jumps in to the conversation and I tune out again. I cannot worry about dresses when I’m worrying about the stain on my soul.
In fact, I cannot stay here, safe as it may be for them, it is stifling me. And even if I were to run into Millard he would never hurt me.
“I need to go to my rooms.” At my announcement, the four women look at me like I am losing my mind, maybe I am.
“Ginata, you can’t. We don’t know where my brother is. He’ll be murderous.”
“More than usual.” Ceryn laughs at her own words; though we all know they aren’t funny. He is murderous. And horrible. And nasty. And cruel. And twisted. And kind, sometimes. And generous, sometimes. And funny, sometimes.
“I’ll be fine, Everleigh. I need a tonic, my head hurts. I need to check the exact rules for the coronation, there’s a book somewhere amongst Halfreda’s things. I need to sleep in a bed that is comfortable. None of Millard’s men know that I have switched sides. They will assume my allegiance is still with him. Besides if something goes wrong, if he comes back to cause trouble, it might be good for me to be able to go to him without suspicion.”
Everleigh, I can tell, takes my words at face value. Nothing I have said is untrue or particularly strange. Della and Addyson are still talking about dresses.
Only Ceryn watches me closely, a strange look on her face. She’s taking the measure of me, I know.
If she could tell me what she really thought of me would I like what she had to say?
Luckily, we are here with the Queen and that keeps us both polite. I vow never to be alone with Ceryn. I don’t like the way she looks at me, the questions in her eyes.
She cannot know anything, I tell myself, and though I know it’s true it doesn’t stop the snakes from twisting away inside me.
I will never feel peace here, talking about dresses.
I will lay low. I will help Everleigh if I can. I will crown her as the Queen of the Realm and then I will leave.
That is the best I can do.
I don’t belong here with these people any more. I made my choice, and as wrong as it was, I can’t turn back. It’s like Millard’s inside my head, bewitching and ensnaring me. I think about him all the time. I wonder what he would say to me, how he would answer me, how he’d look at me, whether he’d kiss me. I cannot concentrate on anything else.
He is gone and so is my heart and my sound mind.
I will not look for him, I will not aid him any further, but I cannot pretend that my future is at this castle, serving a Queen.
It cannot be, when my heart beats only for a King.
I bow to Everleigh and smile at the others, before ducking out.
The relief is enormous; I can breathe again. I am smiling as I head to my rooms. I pour ale from the flagon and sink into a comfortable seat. I close my eyes and relax for the first time since I saw Everleigh again.