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NO FEAR. THE LOOK ON Archer’s face when he talks about Ceryn makes me feel sad and jealous. He’s so impressed with her. So proud of her.
I hate being jealous. I remember Halfreda telling me something about jealousy.
I had joined in an archery match with Macsen and Millard and I was terrible compared to them. I remember the sting of tears as I ran away from them, both jeering at me, telling me I was a sore loser. I ran into Halfreda and as always, she made me feel better.
She said jealousy is only useful if it spurs you on to be better or do better, other than that it’s a bitter and nasty emotion. A pointless emotion.
I took her words to heart and I practised with my bow and arrows until I was better than both of my older brothers.
I would like to be more like Ceryn, I’ve told her that. I’d love her to teach me to fight, to handle myself. A warrior Queen. I smile and Archer takes my hand.
The relief I feel when I look at him is immeasurable. When I thought he’d died, something changed in my heart; it hardened. My new love, my first love, was gone, and all the possibilities with him. All the things we could have seen and done and been together. Conversations we would never have. Kisses we would never share.
Will he be King to my Queen? I think so. I love everything about him and when I thought he might die again last night, the sickness in my heart was impossible to ignore.
But love is a small thing compared to the responsibilities I will shoulder as Queen of the Realm. My own happiness must come second. My people and my sister will be my first priorities.
And I love Archer more because I know he wouldn’t have it any other way.
When he talks of our future he never talks of being King or sitting on a throne or enjoying the riches of the Realm; he talks of protecting me, looking after me, supporting me.
I have got quite the team now. People I love and trust.
Except Ginata.
My stomach twists when I think about her. What Millard’s done to her.
Did she like it? Enjoy the first flush of love with my brother, like I have with Archer. Does she think about him and their future together, imagining their time and how they will spend it?
Did she question her feelings or actions at all or did she betray me easily? Can I trust her again?
Until I see her, I suppose I won’t know.
And Will. Is Will falling for Ceryn?
And what’s it to me if he is? I suppose I feel like I let him down when he fell in love with Lanorie and I did nothing to help him. If he does love Ceryn I will help him, talk to her for him, try to help them see each other as more than friends. Or am I just happy that she might be distracted from her feelings for Archer?
Who knows. I think I’m just trying to distract myself from the main issues.
If Millard is in Ginata’s cottage, then I’m going to kill him tomorrow. I cannot fight yet, or attack him by myself, but I have decided that I will have to be the one to kill him.
Stab him through the heart, sever his head, I haven’t decided yet and I don’t like to think on either option, if I’m honest.
Millard is my brother. My handsome, funny, witty brother. We have laughed together, cried together, lived together and been friends as well as siblings since I was old enough to be more than just a pest to him.
How did it all change so irrevocably?
Will I be able to take his life when it comes to it?
Look into his eyes, the eyes I knew so well, the eyes of a brother I loved, and end his life, see the pain and fear there and kill him anyway?
He cannot live. If I cannot do it, kill him, someone will. Ceryn would love to, I know. Ginata might want to when she finds out what he did to her. Archer would without a beat of hesitation as would Weaver if I asked him to. And hopefully any of the young men he is rounding up to serve me would be happy to assist me as well.
When I look at him I will not be thinking about summers spent playing in the castle gardens, picking fruit and chasing each other with Macsen and Addyson joining in. I won’t remember the way he held me after our mother died, his tears and mine mingling into a single puddle of heart stopping grief. I won’t remember cuddles or jokes, love or happiness.
I can’t.
No, I have to harden my heart. I will think about Macsen’s head rolling off the dais. I will remember Halfreda’s heart stopped by his sword in one cruel movement. Archer attacked and alive only because the teacher came back to save him. Lanorie dead. Molly probably dead.
He would kill me if he had the chance and I mustn’t forget it. I mustn’t soften my heart for a moment. I will not let him breathe any longer than I have to.
He will die tomorrow.
By my hand.
Or a hand under my command.