5

Sexual Etiquette

Searching for Mr. or Ms. Compatible without making a complete fool of yourself

The old sexual etiquette book’s a mess—things crossed out and things added in all over the place—and quite frankly, I think it’s the job of whoever invented the Pill to do the rewrite. Pre-Pill everyone knew exactly what was expected of them: no sex before marriage (and not too much after it either). Then along came that tiny, innocent-looking tablet and quicker than you could say “flower power,” those nice, orderly sexual mores were scattered to the wind.

No longer watching for a bun in the oven, women got out of the kitchen and raised temperatures elsewhere. Everyone flopped around on lumpy beanbags and gazed through dope-dulled eyes at globs of wax floating about in Lava lamps, trying to remember who they hadn’t slept with so they could experience the free love phenomenon yet again. The advent of AIDS sent most scurrying back to the relative safety of monogamous relationships, but the damage was done. The rules of old no longer existed and no one’s had the foggiest as to what’s normal or expected since.

Not that it’s stopped us from doing it away. Most Americans start having sex before they hit sixteen (the youngest of all nationalities polled in a worldwide survey!). The majority of people in the Western world are sexual veterans by age twenty-one.1 In fact, we’re encouraged to experiment with several or lots of different partners to avoid a new no-no—settling down before we’re “ready.” If you do defy your friends and get hitched, husbands and wives are urged to go out separately and see friends solo. “Space” is the new buzzword. So we go out alone, end up with someone else, get caught, then divorced and it’s back to square one, the singles bar—bruised, battered, but determined not to miss out on what everyone else seems to be having.

It’s astonishing any of us bother dating at all given the minefield of potential disasters that go along with it. Because there really is no one right answer to today’s between-the-sheets dilemmas, most of us seem to invent our own rules as we go along. But there are some broad guidelines emerging. Here, some hopefully helpful solutions to a selection of the most common questions asked by men and women in, or contemplating, a new relationship.

Eighty-four percent of women are not satisfied emotionally with their relationships. Twenty-six percent of single, never-married women (20-30) aren’t interested in getting married. Forty-six percent of divorced women do not want to marry again.2

DATING DILEMMAS

How do I tell if she’s interested but just playing hard to get?

Even if she is test-running the “treat-’em-mean-keep-’em-keen” theory, she’s probably giving out some signals. Does she look you straight in the eye when she talks to you? Does she always seem to be near you even though she pretends she’d rather not be? Do you catch her looking at you when she doesn’t think you’re looking at her? If you’re not even close enough to put any of these theories to the test, there’s no alternative but to pick up the phone and ask her out. If she’s busy the night you suggest, she’ll suggest another if she wants to see you. She didn’t? She’s not playing hard to get, she is hard to get (that is, give up now).

Is it okay if I call to ask him out? Don’t men always like to be the one who conquers?

Some of the most confident women I know still won’t pick up the phone to ask a man out on a date, which isn’t very fair when true equality between the sexes means sharing the male pressures as well as pleasures. The first move—which means facing a possible slap-in-the-face rejection—is still usually left up to him (even though most men I know said they’d be stoked if a woman called to ask them out). So strike one for sisterhood and pick up that phone if you like someone. If he instantly thinks you must be (a) desperate to do him, (b) hard up, or (c) one of those “ball-breaking career women,” it’s better to find out he’s a jerk before you waste time waxing your bikini line.

Who pays on the first date?

Whoever asked who out. If that’s him, he’ll usually expect to cough up the cash, but that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t offer. Forget the notion that letting him pay for your meal means you owe him something (sex, for instance). If during the date you start to think he is assuming that, feign sickness and leave. Otherwise, graciously accept his offer to pay even if you’re squirming because you earn twice as much as he does. He’s not being a chauvinist or playing power games, just doing what he thinks he should. Split the bills from then on or take turns paying. Most couples split expenses proportionate to their respective salaries. The poorer partner can even the score by doing things that require less cash (cooking dinner at home, supplying the wine, etc.).

What if I really don’t like her after the first date. Do I have to take her phone number?

No, though lots of guys do because it’s far easier to say “I’ll call you” then disappear into the night. (Look up “bastard” in the dictionary and you’ll find their picture.) If you haven’t enjoyed yourself, take a deep breath and say something like, “Thanks. It’s always nice meeting new people. Perhaps we’ll run into each other again.” She won’t wait by the phone, and you won’t feel guilty for making false promises.

What if he said he’d call then doesn’t?

Give him a little time to gather courage (he’ll often take longer to call if he’s really keen) but as a general rule, the old theory that if he hasn’t called within three days he isn’t going to is pretty accurate. If you went out on Saturday and he hasn’t called by Wednesday, he’s not calling. Either accept it or call him. If you slept together and he doesn’t call the next day, it’s also unlikely he’s going to. He hasn’t had an accident, his mother’s not dying in the hospital, and there’s nothing wrong with your phone.

I’m too scared to make the first move in case I’m accused of date rape. How do I get her to?

Be honest. Say, “This whole date rape issue has really upset me. I’d hate to think a girl thought I was putting the moves on her when she didn’t want me to. So, I’ll leave it up to you to call the shots.” Any girl who doesn’t think

you’re a sweetheart after a speech like that isn’t worth dating. She probably won’t unzip your jeans within the next sixty seconds, but she may give you an unmistakably passionate kiss that hints she wants more. If you think she does, ask, “Can I take things further?”

Number of men who admit they’ve tried to get a girl drunk or high to get her into bed: 30 percent. Men who’ll go “as far as she’ll let me” on a first date: 28 percent.3

How do I initiate sex with a new guy without coming on like I’m desperate?

Most men will love it if you do seem desperate for sex. But I identify with your dilemma. The old “I’ll just slip into something more comfortable” routine goes down well in a James Bond movie, but the only time I’ve ever said it in real life, I meant it—and came out in sweatpants and slippers.

If you’re stuck at the quick-peck-on-the-cheek stage, he’s either gay, wants the two of you just to be friends, or he doesn’t think he has the green light to progress any further. Are you sure you’re sending the right signals? Women who are ready for sex go further than holding eye contact—they move closer, touch the guy a lot, linger over that good-night kiss.

One way of getting the message across loud and clear but in a subtle way is to ask him over to dinner (complete with candles, romantic music, and a sexy outfit). Give him a hug in the kitchen then a sexy kiss; afterward, sit next to him on the couch and put your legs on his lap. Later, initiate some passionate kissing—most men won’t need more than that to take things from there.

If he still sits there with his hands shoved between his knees, behave like the liberated woman you are: tell him outright you want to make love to him. If he reacts as if your invitation is promiscuous or unladylike, he’d be a bore in bed anyhow.

When is it okay to sleep with him so he won’t think I’m easy?

Plenty of people regret sleeping with someone too soon, not too many people regret waiting it out. There’s no magic formula but there is a sexual double-standard. Some guys will think you’re “easy” if you sleep with them after dating every weekend for six weeks, others won’t judge you if you sleep with them the first night. The “norm,” if indeed there is one, is probably after at least three or four dates. (But what constitutes a date? Is a Friday through to Sunday stint one or three?)

When you sleep with each other depends very much on what you want from the relationship, how well you’re getting along, your sexual pattern, morals, upbringing—a whole host of issues. Don’t make the decision if you’ve been drinking heavily and don’t do it until both of you feel comfortable with each other.

Whose responsibility is it to provide the condom? Will he think I’m a slut if I do?

Both of you should always carry condoms. It’s a shared responsibility. If you’re single, it doesn’t mean you sleep around; it means you’re sensible and (like a good Girl Scout) prepared for anything. If you’re married with six kids, on the Pill, and produce the condom, it’s a little fishy but even then (especially then), prudent. If he gives you a withering “What sort of girl are you?” look when you grab one, put it back in your handbag, put your clothes on, and leave.

I start out with every intention of using a condom but it all flies out the window if I’ve had a few drinks and get carried away. When is the right time to bring the subject up and the condoms out?

We’ve all woken up the morning after and felt sick from more than just the hangover. “Did I or didn’t I?” your groggy brain tries to deduce, then you find it, there in your bag, still in the wrapper.

Many people righteously carry enough condoms to solve the world’s population problem; not so many actually use them. Unfortunately, a condom won’t protect you against HIV (the virus that can lead to full-blown AIDS) unless it’s actually on his penis. You’ll be more inclined to practice what you preach if they’re within reach, so keep some near the bed as well as in your purse.

When’s the best time to talk about safe sex? Somewhere between the first drink and taking your clothes off. Make it a personal rule to discuss—and produce—condoms while you’re still fully clothed. You’ll be far less likely to get so turned-on that you conveniently forget.

Don’t say, “You might have AIDS, I think we should use a condom,” but “God, I’m so turned-on. I think we’d better get a condom out now because once we start, there’s no way we’ll want to stop.” In other words, don’t suggest using a condom, take it for granted that you will. If he tries to talk you out of it or refuses to wear one, give sex—and him—wide berth.

An unfaithful boyfriend can do more than break your heart—he could give you cancer. If he’s playing around and not using condoms, he ups your chance of contracting a strain of HPV (human papilloma virus), which is strongly linked to cervical cancer.

When is it acceptable not to wear condoms?

Many couples decide to get tested for AIDS when they’ve been going out a while, don’t want to have sex with anyone else but their partner, and don’t want to continue using condoms. Before being tested, make sure you haven’t had unprotected sex (sex without a condom) for at least three months; the result will be inconclusive otherwise. Keep using condoms until the test results come back. If you both test negative and are committed to being monogamous, you’ve reduced your risks substantially.

Note I said reduced your risks. Unfortunately, there’s no way of telling whether your partner will be faithful or if he or she will use condoms if they do have sex with someone else. (Make sure you organize alternative contraception if you don’t want to get pregnant.)

I want to ask my new lover how many lovers they’ve had so I can determine how risky they are as a sexual partner. How do I approach it?

Are you serious? It’s not worth wasting your breath. For a start, how do you know he or she is telling the truth? How do they know all their previous partners were telling the truth? Even if they have only slept with their childhood sweetheart, it doesn’t mean they’re not carrying HIV. You can become infected from just one encounter of unprotected sex and the risk doesn’t necessarily increase with the number of partners you’ve had. The guy who’s slept with 1000 women but used a condom every single time is safer than the man who’s had unprotected sex six times. Skip the pointless chitchat; put on a condom instead.

Average number of sexual partners for most American men: 13.1. Average number for American women: 5.8. Global average: 9.5. The American average tops the poll at 14.3.4

I have genital herpes. How do I tell my new man?

Start by reading the “Fessing up: How to tell a lover you have an STI” section. It’s not that difficult. Honest.

TEN WAYS TO GUARANTEE A SECOND DATE

  1. Forgive each other for being clumsy. So he knocked wine all over your new suit or your potato shot straight off the plate and flew across the restaurant. So what? You’re looking for a partner not trying to impress a new boss.

  2. Fill the silences. You’re both fiddling with napkins and frantically searching for something, anything, to say. Those silences can be unnerving but (I hate to say it) women are usually better at filling them up. Put him out of his misery by making small talk; the more relaxed you are, the more comfortable he’ll be. Now’s not the time to launch into a history of your gynecological problems or how that bitch in the office is making your life miserable. Also steer clear of a long list of criticisms of your last boyfriend. Other than that, you don’t really have to censor your conversation too much. There’s not much point in pretending to be someone you’re not—they’re going to see the real you at some point!

  3. Have a sense of humor. If he stumbles over his words, she trips, make a joke of it. Laugh your way through those difficult, awkward situations. If she’s talking to you with a piece of spinach lodged charmingly between her front teeth, tell her. And don’t be scared to say, “God, don’t you wish we could fast forward to our second date? I’m a bit nervous.”

  4. Tell them they look nice: “What a great jacket,” or “Wow, you look fantastic.” You’ve both spent hours examining your reflection; make each other feel it was worth it.

  5. Be honest. Say, “I was really pleased you called,” or “I’m so glad you accepted my invitation.” There’s nothing wrong with admitting you like someone.

  6. Help choose the venue so you can share the blame if it’s awful. The service is laughable, the food inedible—does it really matter? Tell a funny story about the time you chose a restaurant that everyone hated. It’s not the customer’s fault if the venue doesn’t live up to expectations.

  7. Don’t judge them too much on what they say. You’re both nervous and likely to say something silly, or maybe give impressions that aren’t accurate. Don’t criticize each other the first time around. Ease up a little.

  8. Enjoy yourself. If you’re starving, order an appetizer, main course, and dessert, even if your partner orders a salad. If you hate red wine, say so. Be yourself. It’s a date, not a job interview.

  9. Ask them out at the end of the night if you’ve enjoyed yourself. There’s a weird date protocol out there that decrees you’re meant to say, “I’ll call you” instead of “Can I see you tomorrow?” even if you’re both desperate to. If you really got along well, there’s nothing to stop either of you from making arrangements there and then. Besides, it saves that post-first-date, pre-second-date panic that everyone struggles with if they’ve had a fantastic time. She thinks, “He’s far too attractive/intelligent/cool to want to see me again.” He thinks, “She’s figured out I’m not rich or sophisticated—especially since I dribbled spaghetti down my chin/left a meager tip/spilled the wine.” Deal with it by making the date on the spot.

  10. Don’t finish the evening with sex. Sometimes it seems to be and is the natural thing to do. If this applies to you, you’ll know it. Most of the time, though, it’s a mistake. If you’re desperately attracted to each other and getting along well, what’s the rush?

CASUAL SEX

We don’t always have sex with people we love. Sometimes we’ll quite happily do it with someone we don’t even want to spend a whole day with. Why? Because we can lust after someone without necessarily wanting to get involved. While one- (or two- or three-) night stands aren’t terribly satisfying long-term, sometimes, for a number of reasons, sex without romantic involvement is all you want. If you’re in that head space right now, these are a few of the etiquette trouble spots you may have to negotiate.

If I’m only interested in having sex, should I say something before sleeping with them?

Yes. It’s wholly unfair, disrespectful, and unforgivable to whisper sweet nothings that really are nothings. As you’re having dinner or drinks say, “Look, I thought you should know I’ve just come out of a long-term relationship/I’m really busy at work right now, and I’m not interested in a serious relationship. I think you’re gorgeous and I’d love to have fun with you but if you’re looking for more, I’m the wrong person.” If you end up in bed together after that, fine. You both knew the score.

Whose place should we go back to?

If you’re a guy, it probably doesn’t matter. If you’re a girl, it matters a whole lot. Don’t even think about letting some guy you’ve just met at a bar or a nightclub take you home to his place, even if you do fully intend to have sex. He might seem harmless but you can’t judge by appearances or by chatting to him for a few hours if someone’s violent or psychologically unstable. (If you’re tempted, just remember that serial killer Ted Bundy was described by all who knew him socially as “a nice guy.”) If you take him back to your place, make sure your roommate is home and alerted. Also remember he now knows where you live. If you check into a hotel or do go back to his place, call a friend first and leave the address and phone number. Ask them to call you in half an hour to make sure everything is okay.

Will your relationship survive? A crucial giveaway is how positively you both recall your early times together. In one study, researchers had a 100 percent success rate predicting who would split three years later, based solely on negative reminisces.5

What if I don’t want them to stay the night? How do I leave without offending them? Somehow, I always end up cooking breakfast for people just to be polite.

Regardless of whether you’re talking about a one-night stand or the future father or mother of your babies, it’s rude to jump up and into your clothes before the sheets have even settled. If you’re at their place, a good way to work up to leaving is to suggest a nightcap (a drink or a cup of coffee). Then, get up and get dressed while they’re making it and move into the living room. Even if you drink it in bed, it’s still a pretty easy way to break the mood. When you’ve finished, just yawn and casually say, “I should be going.” If they ask you to stay, say “I’d love to, but I have a huge day tomorrow and really need some sleep.” If you do want to see them again, you can follow it through with, “But on Friday night, I’d love to stay over.” If someone’s settling into your bed, try the nightcap trick again (dressed, in the living room). They really have no choice but to put their clothes on and join you. If they still don’t get the hint say, “My roommate and I have an arrangement that no one sleeps over,” or “I’m really sorry. I can never sleep with someone in my bed and I have to be up really early. Can I call you a cab?”

What if I’d like to see him/her again for sex but don’t really want a relationship?

If you were honest before you got into bed, all you need to do is call. If you weren’t, you’ll need to say something like, “That was fantastic and I’d love to do it again but I think I should tell you I’m not interested in anything serious. Are you happy just with a casual relationship?”

My best male friend and I are both single and have high libidos yet neither of us wants to sleep around. I think the ideal solution is to sleep with each other as friends until one or both of us gets involved. What do you think?

It can be the very best or the worst idea you’ve ever come up with. I know one couple who carried it off successfully but I suspect they were the exception to the rule. They were both able to separate sex from love and neither had ulterior motives. I know of another couple who now don’t speak because of it. It’s incredibly difficult to sleep with someone regularly and not become emotionally attached. After all, you already like the person as a friend, so if you also have great sex it suddenly seems logical to become a couple. Sometimes people do. Other times, one wants to, the other doesn’t and “my friend Mary” becomes “that heartless bitch.” Is it worth risking the friendship?

If I always use condoms, do my partners need to know if I have more than one lover?

Yes, it’s called being honest. But once you’ve made it clear that the relationship is not monogamous, there’s no need to dwell on it. They don’t need to know when you’ve slept with someone else or who the person was. So long as they’re aware it’s not an exclusive relationship, it’s really none of their business.

It’s over, but I’d like to be friends. Does that ever work?

Yes. Many ex-lovers are now very special friends, but there are a few factors common to all these friendships. It usually doesn’t work if one of you is still in love with the other, if the trust between you was broken (by an affair, for instance), or if the breakup was particularly nasty. It works best if the split was mutual, you live close by or share lots of mutual friends (so it’s easy to see each other), you’ve got common interests and no longer want to be a couple. That’s the magic ingredient: if one of you is secretly hoping the friendship will lead to you getting back together, it can only end in more tears.

I’m pregnant, but have only been going out with my boyfriend for a few months. While the relationship is nice, it’s not serious, and I fully intend to have an abortion. Do I have to tell him?

I would. Not only is it the decent thing to do, he has a right to know for fertility reasons. If he has trouble fathering a child later on, it may help to know he was fertile at some point. Besides, a pregnancy—even an unwanted one—involves two people. Both of you had sex, both knew the risks. He doesn’t have the right to tell you what to do about the pregnancy but he does have the right to know he’s fathered a child. You’re concerned he’ll force you into keeping the baby? Play your cards close to the vest. Tell him you’re pregnant and thinking about having an abortion, calmly explaining the reasons why you don’t want to keep the baby. If he starts threatening you, tell him you’ll think about what he’s had to say, then leave. Make your appointment with a clinic or your doctor as soon as possible and don’t tell him where or when. Legally, he can’t stop you, but it could be messy if he turns up.

Why do I only find “bad boys” sexually attractive? I’ve been out with nice ones but they leave me cold.

Women who like bad boys fall into two categories. There are girls who wouldn’t dream of settling down with one but thoroughly enjoy the sex. Then there are women who only go out with bad boys and spend most of the time miserable because they desperately want these men to love them. Several “popular” psychological theories attempt to explain both cases.

If you fall into the first category, I bet you describe your family and childhood as “eccentric.” Think about it. What do bad guys give you that good guys don’t? Excitement. Drama. (They can only cause you heartache if you let them.) Now think back to your childhood. Would you describe it as quiet, peaceful, serene? Are you kidding? I can hear you say. You’re attracted to the drama of bad-boy relationships because you’re re-creating what is familiar. If home was frenetic—your parents had strong personalities and argued constantly, one (or both) had an affair, or you had a brother or sister whose antics turned the house into something resembling the set of a soap opera—then you were brought up to believe that constant tension is normal. It’s not, and if you’re only treating bad boys as a boy toy, you’ve already figured that out.

If you’re in the second category, the tension at home was probably more sinister than exciting. Maybe your parents fought viciously, ignored you, or perhaps there was violence or even abuse. Our parents’ relationship is often what we base our relationships on: subconsciously, we try to re-create them. If you have a history of always hooking up to guys who are bad for you, make an appointment to see a good therapist, even if you don’t identify with any of the theories listed here.

SEX FOR SEX’S SAKE: THE RULES

If you’ve just come out of a long-term relationship (and can’t bear to dive into another), haven’t got time for a love affair because your career is all-consuming, or have simply met someone who makes you boil below the belt but leaves you cold above, a lust affair could be just it what the sex therapist ordered.

Men have been having sex affairs since God said, “Let there be light” (even if their partners didn’t realize). Now, lots of confident girls with racing libidos and a guilt-free attitude are also able to separate sex from love. They’re not searching for Mr. Right or even a commitment for a date on Saturday night: all they want is good sex and a good time.

Women with the highest education report having the greatest number of sex partners—twice as many as any other group of women—as well as the most sexual experience before marriage.6

If that’s you, go for it! But be careful, not just with your sexual health and personal safety but with your emotional health as well. Just because there’s no commitment to be monogamous doesn’t mean either of you has the right to treat the other badly. If you’re going to indulge, here are the rules:

THE “I AM WHO I GO OUT WITH” TRAP

Because women are naturally caring and nurturing, there’s a tendency for some to get “lost” in relationships. Instead of going out, they merge with their boyfriends, losing their individuality in the process. This is not healthy.

It’s easy to tell if you fit into the “women who love too much” category. Did you become a sports nut even though you hate football, just because your last boyfriend was one? Did you ditch the suits for loose dresses and grow your hair out when you went out with the crunchy type? Are you prepared to do just about anything to make him happy, even if it means forcing down steak and a potato when you’d really rather have pasta and a salad? Given time, you’ll spend so much of your life pleasing your boyfriends, you’ll completely forget what pleases you. You become what you think they want you to be—and that’s dangerous.

The fact is, if you lie down like a doormat, people will walk over you. You think you’re being supportive and easygoing, he thinks you’re a pushover and treats you like one. Your self-esteem plummets when he loses respect, and you find yourself putting up with inexcusable behavior just because you’re now too frightened and vulnerable to be alone. Don’t let yourself get to this point. The more you retain your individuality—your friends, your career, a life apart from him—the more successful and satisfying your relationship will be. Men respect confident women. He can’t treat you like dirt if you don’t let him.

SECOND-TIME ROUND

Relationship breakups hurt. It doesn’t matter who dumped who, whether you’re heartbroken or relieved that it’s over, the end of any serious relationship means a dream is shattered. You loved each other once, you probably thought it would last forever, now it’s over. The most confident person is plagued by insecurities for at least a little while afterward—and if you aren’t, you should be.

There’s a certain amount of “cleaning up” that’s necessary after a serious split. You may need to sift through any accusations thrown at you—some trivial (Is my nose really too big?), some serious (Do I have a problem with commitment? Am I a good mother/father?). You also need to reestablish yourself as “one” rather than part of a couple. This takes time. Rush through the recovery process—kid yourself you’re over it and ready to start a new relationship too soon—and you’ll carry the baggage from the old one all your life.

The first few months will be painful—maybe it’ll take years for the sharp pain to recede to a dull ache—but eventually you will wake up one morning and forget to be miserable. It’s usually around this time that the blinders fall off and the world suddenly seems full of gorgeous, yummy (Gosh! Check that out’) people. Your libido kicks back in with a vengeance and hovers dangerously high. You start masturbating like crazy and even the fat little man at the newsstand or the woman pushing the stroller in the supermarket seems possible dating material. Congratulations! Months ago, you never would have thought it possible but you’re not only ready to date again, you’re ready for sex, maybe even another relationship! Here’s a few of the common dilemmas second-time-arounders have to deal with.

Singles who love the idea of being married to one person for the whole of their life: 65 percent. Couples: 75 percent. Singles who say relationships today are better than those of their parents’ generation: 30 percent. Couples: 40 percent.7

I split from my husband six months ago. My girlfriends have dragged me out to singles places a few times but everything’s changed. I don’t know the rules anymore, sex seems different—and I feel lost.

I remember walking past a particularly dreadful singles bar one night, arm-in-arm with my husband, thinking, “Thank God I don’t have to do that again.” A few years later, we split and (groan!) there I was, back on the dating scene. The first few times I went out, I felt truly awful. I’d forgotten how to do all that silly get-to-know-you talk and everyone seemed younger, prettier, and more together than I was. It felt different because I was different. Premarriage, I was the quintessential nightclub queen: capable of chatting up men, downing a gin and tonic, smoking a cigarette, and keeping an eye on my friend’s handbag, all while I was on the dance floor. Post breakup, I felt about as groovy as the shiny disco balls that had magically disappeared from the ceiling of every nightclub.

Things appear to change fast in dating land but, believe me, it’s mostly surface stuff. Your girlfriends could write you a long list of the “new rules for the 90s” but if you looked closely you’d see they’re just rewritten versions of the rules you already know. The only thing that has changed is the danger factor. If last time round you feared getting herpes, this time you’re dealing with AIDS. The only real new rule is this: you must use condoms.

You feel misplaced not because the scene has changed, but because you have. It’s like tackling that previously mastered tricky soufflé again when you haven’t made it for years. You’re apprehensive because you’re out of practice. Being single is great fun when you’re feeling fabulous, not so great when you’re vulnerable—and everyone is after a breakup. The prospect of finding a partner amongst all those strangers seems about as likely as finding a match to half the dinner service you’re now left with. Do yourself a favor and avoid the pickup places for a while. Avoid them permanently if you like. Stick to parties and dinner parties with friends or nights out at restaurants until you feel a little more in control.

How soon is too soon to take a new lover?

It’s probably not a good idea to bring the girl you picked up at a nightclub to a friend’s dinner party the week after you split from your wife, but it’s really up to you to decide when you’re ready. Just be aware of your real motivations. Lots of people who quickly jump feet first into a new relationship are really just wanting a warm body in their now cold bed, trying to ease the pain or loneliness. If that helps you get through and your new partner is aware of it, fine, but you still have to confront the issues, and this is probably best done alone.

When you date again depends on how long you were in your previous relationship, how serious it was, and the nature of the breakup. It takes some people years to get over those awful feelings of hurt, vulnerability, pain, or anger. Others find they did their grieving while still in the relationship—it ended emotionally years before they physically moved out—and are ready to date within weeks.

If the split was sudden, bitter, and painful, you’ll probably want to shut the door and hide away for a while. If you’ve got kids, you’ll need to devote time to helping them get over the split. In other words, there’s no acceptable time frame that applies to everyone.

Also recognize that there’s a difference between taking a lover and getting involved again. Every person you go out with doesn’t have to be a prospective long-term replacement. If you meet someone who’s fun, who you can rediscover sex with but not much else, great! Don’t feel guilty, just enjoy.

Another word of advice: you’ve probably been leaning heavily on your friends and family during the split-up, letting them know how you feel at every waking moment. If you’re ready to have sex again, you’re ready to wean yourself and stand on your own two feet. By all means, have a laugh with a pal or a girlfriend over what you’ve been up to but don’t feel obliged to confide all the intimate details. You don’t need their permission. You’re an adult.

I can’t imagine stripping naked in front of a total stranger. I’d be far too embarrassed. My body was great the last time I was dating, but now I’m older and I’ve had a child.

I don’t think too many people would feel comfortable stripping naked in front of a total stranger! But the man you want to take your clothes off for won’t be. Forget any preconceived notions you have about having to climb into bed on date three. Have sex when you feel ready—when you know, trust, and feel comfortable enough to sleep with him without being judged. Unless you’re planning on dating a sixteen-year-old supermodel, your new lover’s body isn’t going to be perfect, either. While you’re frantically sucking in your stomach or worrying about how big your butt is, he’s nervous the light’s hitting that not-so-well-concealed bald spot and that the arms you’re grabbing on to aren’t as muscular as your ex’s were.

Accepting that our bodies age is just another icky fact of life. Eat well, exercise often, dress to conceal your faults, and make the most of what you’ve got, then relax about the rest. Besides, would you swap that gorgeous child of yours for your previously flat tummy? Not in a million years!

My old partner knew my body inside out. I don’t know if I can be bothered teaching someone all over again

Oh, I agree. How boring (yawn)! What an absolute pain in the rear to have some gorgeous new lover rediscover all your known sensitive spots (and some you never knew you had). How tedious to have to guide his or her deliciously sexy tongue to all the right places. How positively awful to have to spend all day in bed, fueled by champagne and oysters, taking this new angel on a guided tour of your body. I’m with you—it must be dreadful to have to say “Oh yes, that’s it, right there” … get my point?

I was ho-hum about sex with my husband, now I can’t get enough of it with my new lover. The ironic thing is, technically, my husband was probably better in bed. I feel guilty, like maybe if I’d tried harder with him, we wouldn’t have split.

I bet you did try hard with your husband, at least at some point. But there’s something decidedly unsexy about being married. We “live in sin” as lovers, but once that band of gold’s slipped on our fingers, we become “husband and wife”—respectable people granted official permission by society to have sex. No wonder lots of people don’t want to! Spending all Sunday in bed making love somehow seems frivolous when you’re married (and really should be working on that renovation). Add to that problems in the relationship, which you obviously had or you wouldn’t have split, and you can start to see why sex maybe wasn’t that wonderful.

You can’t have great sex with a long-term partner unless your relationship’s also great. You broke up for a reason. Whatever that reason was, it had to affect your sex life somehow. Sex with your new lover is wonderful because he’s not your husband and you’re not struggling with relationship problems. Plus he’s new (anything new always seems more exciting) and, I bet, more passionate. Lust and enthusiasm can beat the hell out of technical skills (though it’s always nice to get all three). Stop feeling guilty. Even if you did make some mistakes, it’s over. Let go of the past and let yourself enjoy what sounds like an enviable sex life with your new man.

I’ve just started dating again and a guy twelve years younger than me has asked me out. I like him but fear he sees me as a desperate, older woman.

I’ll let you in on a secret: the single, older woman—yesterday’s “old maid”—magically transformed herself into the new sex goddess while you were playing house. There are lots of young men out there who’ve discovered that dating an attractive, well-preserved older woman can be a lot more fun than seeing someone who still works a shift at McDonald’s. The guy who asked you out sees you as confident, experienced, and worldly. He’s hoping like hell you’ll sleep with him because he’s heard (quite rightly) that older women take control in bed, are more sexually adventurous, less inhibited, and more likely to let him lie back and enjoy for a change. Go out with him. Turn all his fantasies into reality. Enjoy him as an ego-boosting, marvelous affair. He probably won’t be sitting next to you in a rocking chair when you’re sixty, but he could be Mr. Right for now.

What do I tell my kids when I meet someone? When should they meet him? Can he ever stay over?

It all depends on how old your children are, when you split, how well they’re coping with it, their personalities, their relationship with the estranged spouse, the person you’re dating, and how serious your relationship is. Phew! For some time after the breakup, your children will probably be more clingy than usual. They’ll be feeling as insecure as you are and worried you’ll “abandon” them as well. They’ve only seen you act romantically with Daddy or Mommy and seeing you hold hands or kiss someone else will be upsetting initially—especially if they’re secretly hoping for a reunion (and they nearly always are).

Personally, I wouldn’t tell them about, or introduce them to, people who you know aren’t going to be long-term material. What’s the point? Tell them you’re going out to have fun with some friends and let them wreak havoc on the baby-sitter. Once you decide you’ve met someone special, introduce your new partner the same way you would any friend. Get him to pick you up from home initially, then maybe invite him for dinner with other friends. Don’t be overtly affectionate if they seem upset. Give them time to get used to the person as a friend rather than a father substitute.

Accept reality. You can control kids only to a point. Tell them it’s forbidden to wander into your room late at night and they’ll still wrap that little hand around the doorknob and do it. (“Are you hurt, Mommy? Why are you groaning?”) Making out in the kitchen where they can see you or letting your lover sleep over when they’re still at the stage of crying themselves to sleep over the loss of a parent isn’t right. Take it slow. You know your children; you’ll know when they’re ready to accept that you have a lover. Don’t force a new person down their throat and insist they like him—or her—but don’t let them dictate your life, either. Your kids are important, but your happiness is equally so.

What if my children disapprove of who I’m going out with?

They probably don’t dislike the person you’ve chosen, just resent sharing you and, of course, would prefer you to be back with their real mom or dad. They’re hurting and highly vulnerable after the split. One person has left them so they want all your attention and if you’re giving it to someone else, they feel threatened all over again. Reassure them until you’re blue in the face, load them up with so much affection, they can’t feel left out. Make them feel involved when your new lover is around and insist he or she treats them with respect and kindness (even if they are being difficult little buggers). Explain that this person won’t replace Mommy or Daddy but that you enjoy their company. It’s especially easy for teenage kids to sit in moral judgment of what you’re doing—remember how superior you used to feel at fifteen? Let them know you love them desperately, but this person also makes you happy.

Women spend their 20s wanting a caring, sharing man in bed—just when men are only interested in sex, say psychologists. The opposite happens in our 30s. Women become more sexually adventurous and insatiable, men turn sensitive. A good argument to match older women with younger men.8

What if his or her kids don’t like me?

You can’t make children like you. They’ll be especially hostile if you try too hard or (God forbid) try to become a replacement for the parent who’s left. Be nice, be kind, spoil them a little. Talk to them even if they ignore you. Refuse to get angry if they treat you badly. Ask your partner if there’s anything you do that upsets them, and for hints on how to win them over. She or he should also be making an effort to ease the situation on your behalf. If, in time, they’re still hostile, there’s nothing much you can do but live with it or move on.

Do I have to tell every new lover I’ve got kids? I find it turns guys off.

Not if it’s just for sex, but otherwise why not? Are you going to lock them in the attic whenever he’s around? Remove all evidence (just try, bet you can’t do it) every time he visits? It’s unrealistic and illogical. If your new lover’s going to turn white and start shaking because you tell him straight off you’ve got a child, he’s going to run screaming into the sunset when you do tell him later, feeling (understandably) duped. And it’ll hurt you a lot more then. You come as part of a package—you and your kids. If your lover can’t accept that, it’s his or her problem. What are you going to do? Give them away to charity?

How do I tell if I’ve fallen for my new lover out of fear of being alone? I don’t feel I can trust my feelings. What’s this I’ve heard about “transition lovers”?

If you feel you can’t trust your feelings, you can’t. You’re at the stage where you’re ready to go out with someone but probably not at the point where you want to (or should) commit. You won’t know if your feelings are real until you feel confident again, happy with your own company and capable of making it alone; in other words, when you’re at the point where, while you might want a relationship, you don’t need one. Handle the situation in the meantime by letting your new partner know you’re still working through things and while you think they’re fantastic, you’re a little unsure of your feelings. Don’t let anyone pressure you into committing before you’re ready.

Transition lovers is a term some psychologists use to describe the first relationship after a big split. Often, we hook up with people before we’re really ready, and while we might think we’re madly in love with them, subconsciously we’re using them to get over insecurities and to fill the well of loneliness left by our last relationship. It’s not until we feel more ourselves that we realize we don’t love them after all. This doesn’t mean all relationships that happen right after the split will end; some people do find a new partner quickly and stay with that person, happily, forever.

Come on guys! According to Shere Hite, 72 percent of women say they’re the ones who are forced to bring up problems that need talking through. Sixty-three percent of men prefer to solve arguments by (you guessed it!) having sex.9

My new girlfriend has the ex-husband from hell. I’m sick of hearing about him and he’s now causing problems with us.

Your girlfriend’s marriage is finished. Kaput. There’s obviously no chance of friendship so her ex should be out of her life completely if they’re divorced and don’t have kids. If they do, it’s not an amicable split, so she should see him only when he picks the kids up or drops them off. Better still, she should arrange for him to pick them up from a sympathetic friend’s place. In other words, if he’s still causing her trouble a year or years down the track, she’s letting him—probably because she feels guilty. If he’s bitter, chances are she’s the one who left. She figures if he treats her badly, it’s her punishment for walking out. Tell her you’re sick of talking about him and she needs to let go, to get him out of her life and get on with hers. If she can’t, pack her off to a good counselor for some therapy or tell her you’re not interested in continuing the relationship until she’s sorted out the problem.

FIRST-TIME SEX AFTER A LONG-TERM LOVER

You’ve been out to every restaurant in town, they’ve been to your place, you’ve been to theirs, and now it’s crunch time. Which is why you’re in the bathroom, ostensibly brushing your teeth (for the last twenty minutes), while your about-to-be-lover waits in the bedroom, wondering if you have any gums left. Don’t be ridiculous, you lecture yourself in the mirror, You’ve had sex hundreds, probably thousands of times before. Yeah, says another little voice, but with the same person for the last ten years.

First-time sex with a new lover, after years with an old one, is heart-thumping stuff. Part of you can’t wait to give it a whirl (no prizes for guessing which part) but your brain would stay happily celibate for another 100 years to avoid any embarrassment. But come out of that bathroom you must (the window’s usually far too small to escape from). Just keep the following points in mind.