7

Performance Problems

Some of the reasons sex goes wrong and how to get it lustily back on track

As a writer who specializes in sex, I discuss penises, clitorises, and the pros and cons of G-spot orgasms as often as other people talk about where to go for lunch. I’ve done stories on dominatrixes and drag queens, prostitutes and premature ejaculators; I’ve visited bondage and discipline parlors, a sex addicts’ club, and sat around with a group of naked women armed with vibrators big enough to build houses with. All that experience makes me a popular dinner party guest—but it freaks penises out big-time (not to mention the men they’re attached to).

Add a tendency to forget not everyone’s as open about sex as I am, and you can see why some men find me too hot to even think about handling. “So, you can help me out with a story I’m doing,” I said to one guy on a first (never-to-be-repeated) dinner date. “Oh really?” he said nervously, Adam’s apple doing an Irish jig. “It’s an easy one,” I continued. “All I need to know is this. When you’re giving a girl oral sex, have you ever noticed if any fluid comes out? See, this story’s on female ejaculation.” I scooped up a mouthful of pasta and beamed an encouraging, cheerful smile. “Ummm … how’s your meal?” he answered. Later, he told a mutual friend the only guy who’d be confident enough to sleep with me answered to the name of Bond.

No matter how much I tell men the pressure’s on me to perform in bed, some still give me this watery, wan smile and continue to think, Oh God, she knows so much, I’m bound to do something wrong. And, of course, they do. Which probably explains why I can’t really understand all the fuss over genital malfunctions. So our body parts don’t behave as we want them to occasionally. So what? Genitals are like expensive electrical equipment—they act up now and again. Leave it until the next day and the problem often magically cures itself. Penises, vaginas, and clitorises might be part of your body but they’re not always within your control. Accept this one simple fact and you’ll avoid the psychological head games that turn a lot of isolated technical hiccups into chronic sex problems.

As for other sex- or relationship-related trouble zones, again you’ll notice the same advice given over and over. Talk to your partner. Discuss the problem. Tell him or her you’re not happy. Your mouth is great for a lot of things to do with sex but its most important function in the bedroom is for talking. Good communication can solve lots of problems and make them all easier to cope with. Talk is cheap, cheaper than sex therapy.

This chapter looks at the common physical and emotional reasons why sex goes wrong and suggests practical solutions to the problems.

PENIS PROBLEMS

Personally, I’d hate to have a penis—it’s so humiliatingly obvious when things go wrong! Because female parts are hidden, we get away with all sorts of things. We’re dying to have sex but our vagina’s as dry as a piece of unbuttered toast? No problem. A quick trip to the bathroom, a scoop of K-Y and our lover’s none the wiser. Not so for men. A limp penis stands out like … well, it doesn’t, and that’s pretty obvious to both of you. As for coming too soon, I’ve yet to hear a man complain if his girlfriend hits the target within three minutes (more like hallelujah!). The pressure on men to perform is enormous, even if nothing else is.

“You never, ever talk about penis problems to other guys. It’s almost like your penis is you. Guys are so ego-oriented and sex-oriented. If I confessed to a friend, he’d have one up on me. I actually find it easier to talk to women about it than men—women you’re not sleeping with, that is.”

Christopher, 23, music rep

If you’re a guy, chances are at some point in your life you’ll find yourself in one of the following situations. If you’re a woman, it’s pretty obvious you could be the one he’s with at the time. Men take their peruses very, very seriously, so it pays for both of you to be prepared. How you react to the problem initially very often dictates how long it remains one.

He can’t get it up (impotence)

Sometimes, penises and brains have different ideas of what’s fun. You want to ravish her, but your penis wants to snuggle up into your Calvins and have a nap. Nearly every man will have had problems getting an erection by the time he reaches forty. It’s normal and usually explicable. Maybe you drank too much, work pressures are stressing you out, or you’re simply tired. Dismiss it as a one-time-thing and chances are that’s what it will be. Worry yourself sick about it, and it may well happen again. The more wound-up and anxious you are the next time, the more nervous poor old Willy’s going to be and the less likely he’ll be to rise to the occasion. Your worst nightmare will be confirmed and you will be officially (if only temporarily) impotent.

Only one-third of impotency cases are due to physical problems, and almost all are treatable.1

Why did it happen in the first place? Too much booze can do it, so can recreational drugs, physical exhaustion, pressure, stress, and guilt (your penis may try to be faithful, even if you don’t). Usually, it’s psychological but there may be a medical reason. It’s easy to figure out which category you fit into: if you have an erection when you wake up in the morning or during masturbation, it’s probably psychological. You’re not getting one with your partner because you feel anxious, embarrassed, or ashamed—maybe she’s made you feel that way by being critical.

“The first thing that women do is grab your penis, and when they’re used to grabbing firm erections not limp ones, they often visibly flinch. That makes me shrivel even further.”

Ethan, 35, mechanic

    FOR HIM

Real men don’t always get erections whenever they want to. I’m not being kind, it’s true. I asked every female who called the day I was writing this and out often only one had never encountered the problem (my niece, who’s five years old). Accepting that you’re not the only one is often the solution to the problem. Many of you get horribly upset because you think of sex as intercourse—which needs an erect penis. Illogically, you’ll think you’re a dud in bed even if she’s had ten orgasms through oral sex. That’s really silly. Take it from me, women don’t think like you do. We’ll go for the guy who gives us great head over an erect penis every time. So first up, change your mind-set.

“It first happened when I was nineteen. I’d just met a girl and couldn’t get it up. I thought it was a bit strange but put it down to the fact that I was really into her and wanted things to go really well. The second time it happened, I became obsessive—wound myself up into a complete state. The girl kept saying, ‘It must be me,’ and that made it worse. After her, I slept with a few girls casually with no problem, then I met my next long-term girlfriend and was back to square one. I finally figured it only ever happens with women that matter so I warn them and once I’m relaxed it goes away.”

Tony, 28, teacher

Talk to your girlfriend and confess that you’re going through a weird time. Don’t avoid sex, just have it without penetration; use your tongue, hands, and mouth to pleasure her instead. (She’ll be praying you stay impotent forever.) Rule out any medical reasons for the condition. Take a break from drugs, alcohol, and cigarettes and rethink your health and lifestyle generally. If you’re on any prescribed medication, ask your doctor about possible side effects. If it’s happening a lot, ask your doctor for a referral to a urologist for a physical examination or make an appointment to see a sex therapist. Think about why it’s happening. Is it with all women or just this one? If it’s just her, maybe you’re mistaking friendship for lust or love. Sometimes, if you’re really crazy about her, you’re scared limp because you’re so desperate to please her. Relax a little. If she’s going to leave you because you can’t get an erection, she wasn’t worth the effort in the first place.

“The relationship was great, except we still hadn’t had intercourse and it’d been six weeks! He’d give me these amazing, passionate kisses out in public, but while I couldn’t wait to get home and rip our clothes off, he’d avoid it. Then I found out why: he’d been impotent for months. Of course, I was convinced I could solve it. When i couldn’t, I thought, ‘Oh shit, this guy really does have problems.’ I’m a really sexual person and I need to have sex and orgasms. If he’d taken the time to satisfy me with his hands and mouth, it wouldn’t have been such a problem, but he seemed so caught up with it, he forgot about me.”

Carla, 24, secretary

    FOR HER

He can’t come

What’s going on? You’ve been at it for so long she’s not only planned the menu for tomorrow night’s dinner party but the shopping list and what to wear as well. Rapid thrusting usually does the trick, but this time, though you’re close to orgasm, you can’t quite get there. Usually it’s because sensation in your penis is deadened by too much alcohol, drugs (especially speed), or (lucky you!) she’s worn you out from too many previous climaxes. Women are used to having sex without the ultimate reward of orgasm—you’re used to quite the opposite.

If it’s not the result of overdoing it, it could be psychological. Have you just swapped girlfriends and are too shy to tell your new lover what you need to tip over the edge? Some men can only orgasm if their partner squeezes their testicles; others want her to insert a finger into their anus. If you’ve just split with someone and always orgasmed the same way, your body and brain may be waiting for the signal to let go. Alternatively, you might be feeling emotionally upset. Are you worried about losing her, having work hassles, or generally going through a stressful time? You’re having trouble because your mind’s not on the job.

    FOR HIM

A good night’s sleep is an instant fix if the problem’s related to drugs or alcohol. Telling her what you need to orgasm is another issue altogether. Communication is nearly always the key. Unload those problems by talking to her or another sympathetic friend, and ask her if she ever has trouble coming (she does, believe me). A problem shared is a problem halved and all that. Are you spending too much time giving her foreplay and not enough on yourself? Encourage her to pull out all the stops, pull on the sexy underwear, tell you a fantasy while you’re making love, or just to let you know how horny she’s feeling. Also get her to stimulate your anal region, massaging the area between your testicles and your anus. A well-lubricated finger up your anus can work wonders.

    FOR HER

He comes too soon

Premature ejaculation is the most common sex problem of all. During the 1940s and 1950s, Kinsey found 75 percent of men ejaculated within two minutes of penetration. Recent research suggests men today last ever-so-slightly longer (like one minute more) but what’s more important is lots of men climax before they, or their partner, want them to.2 As a teenager, you probably didn’t worry too much (if indeed, you knew there was anything to worry about). Even when you’re older, there are some situations that seem excusable (like living out a highly erotic fantasy, first-time sex with the girl of your dreams, or sex with anyone if you haven’t had it for a while). But when it happens every single time? Let me put it this way: even if you don’t notice, she does.

Any man, even the strongest, most competent, and most virile, however old he is, will at some pint in his life experience impotency.3

Defining a premature ejaculator (the technical term for it) is difficult. There’s no set time period that you can measure yourself against, no “test” to pass. Some couples think premature ejaculation is comming after an hour of thrusting, others are quite happy with (or used to) three minutes of intercourse. But if you feel out of control when it comes to coming, it’s worth looking at for both your sakes.

Some men ejaculate when they touch breasts. Others get a little further but blow it on the very first (and undeniably the best) thrust. It’s got a lot to do with the lessons you learned when you were young. If, as a teenager, you rushed through sex because you were worried you’d get caught, you’ve conditioned your penis to rapid ejaculations. Usually, age and a regular lover solve the problem—if they haven’t, there’s still lots you can do to fix it.

    FOR HIM

Most sex therapists boast they can solve the problem within six weeks. Therapy usually revolves around learning to relax and relieving the pressure of performance. “Homework” includes sex without penetration (taking the focus off intercourse through oral sex, mutual masturbation, and generally exploring each other’s bodies) and continuing to have sex even if you do ejaculate. Masturbation is one of the most effective means of control. The more you masturbate the better (it desensitizes your penis), especially if each time you do you “hold off” (try counting backwards, starting from 500).

The stop/start technique is 90 percent successful if followed for a few months. Either you or your partner stroke your penis until you get an erection, you start having intercourse, then stop and withdraw the minute you feel close to coming. Stimulation stops until you start to lose your erection, then the whole process is repeated three or four times before you’re allowed to ejaculate.

The squeeze technique—you or she grasps the penis just below the head and presses hard when you’re close to orgasm—is another alternative.

Generally, the aim is to stop feeling so turned-on. The more “unsexy” your thoughts, the more control you’re liable to have. Using distraction techniques, like mentally composing your résumé, can help; so can keeping your eyes closed so you can’t see how sexy she looks. If the problem’s really bad, zero foreplay for you and minimum for her; if necessary, don’t touch her genitals at all. Use lubricant, put the penis in the vagina very carefully, avoiding too much stimulation, and keep thrusting to a minimum. Stop and hold perfectly still or withdraw if you’re losing control.

    FOR HER

He doesn’t feel like it

The honey-I’ve-got-a-headache line sounds awfully odd coming out of his mouth. Blame it on society (Hollywood or the soaps), but a man turning down sex? Gosh, something must really be wrong. Not true, of course. These days, it’s just as likely to be her ripping off your suit and your complaining you’re too tired. And as women become more comfortable with sex, men are becoming less secure. Sex is demanded of you more often—and it’s a massive blow to your ego if she wants it more than you do. The sheer pressure of trying to be the perfect 90s man can make sex seem more of a chore than a pleasure.

Men the world over are becoming less and less fertile. The average man’s ejaculate has declined in sperm concentration and number per ejaculate at the rate of 2 percent a year over a decade. What’s to blame? Every-thing from smoking to women having children later in life.4

Your desire could also be dampened by outside pressures. Men aren’t sex robots; they’re human and affected by stress and feelings just as much as women are. You’re also individuals. Which means some of you have a high sex drive (or libido) and some don’t. In an ideal world, we’d all find our libido equivalents. If you only want to have sex every two months and that suits her, it’s not a problem. Hook a horny hedonist and it’s a huge one.

Are you simply bored by sex and happy to let other things in life take precedence? Most of us move out of the can’t-get-enough stage after those first few, fervent months. Unfortunately, it’s often replaced by lovemaking that’s as predictable as Grandpa’s war stories. Physical tiredness is often to blame for temporary lack of interest. Are you trying desperately hard to establish a career, with not much energy left over for anything else? Working long hours (or partying too hard with too many drinks and smokes) can mean sex is the last thing you feel like when your head hits the pillow.

    FOR HIM

Vacations can do amazing things for a lagging libido, which means reducing stress is an obvious place to start. Sexual desire appears to originate in the brain. If you’re juggling so much your brain feels like an amusement park, there aren’t many cells free for fantasy. Make time for sex. Deliberately focus on it; read erotic books or watch some films. Get back to basics and spend more time on foreplay than intercourse. Let her massage you; rediscover sensuality and the simple delight of kissing and touching each other.

    FOR HER

HOW TO GET YOUR LOVER TO SEE A SEX THERAPIST

Telling anyone it’s time to seek professional help is tricky; getting your lover to see a sex therapist is even more delicate. Resist the temptation to blurt out “You really should get help” immediately after (yet another) failed lovemaking session. Best to have this conversation outside the bedroom. Wait until you’re both relaxed, then gently explain that although you love them and your sex life, you think a third party could help solve the problems you’re both having. Use words like “both” rather than “you” when talking about the problem—it’ll seem less attacking and more like you’re making the suggestion for the sake of the relationship rather than pointing the finger.

Many people still think that only “crazy” people see therapists, so have the old “you see an expert for every other problem, why not this one” argument ready. Once they agree to see someone, choose a sex therapist/psychologist carefully. Your doctor can usually help with a referral or look up “psychologists” in the telephone book. Call the American Psychological Association (APA) for referrals. They’ll be able to provide you with a list of professionally trained counselors in your area who specialize in sexual problems. If someone recommends one or you get a name from an ad, call the APA to check they’re certified. If your partner refuses outright to see an expert, you might want to rethink the relationship as well as your sex life—if they’re not willing to compromise on this important issue, what about future problems?

FIVE WAYS TO HELP HIM THROUGH A ROUGH TIME

  1. Don’t overreact. If he’s having problems most of the time, he needs to see a doctor, possibly a sex therapist. But if it’s only occasionally, what’s the big deal?

  2. Have orgasms from oral sex and masturbation. Show him that an erect penis really isn’t necessary.

  3. Sympathize but don’t lie. Don’t tell him he’s hard if he isn’t, don’t tell him it was great if it wasn’t. Pretending he doesn’t have a problem will only make things worse.

  4. Don’t take it personally. If he can’t get an erection, it’s not a personal indictment of your sexual attractiveness.

  5. Talk to him about it. Make it crystal clear you understand, don’t blame him, and are prepared to work together to solve the problem.

CANT, WON’T, SHOULDN’T: THE THREE MOST COMMON FEMALE SEX PROBLEMS

Psychologists recently did a word association test on a group of college students. They were given a subject (like family), then asked to instantly list any other words they associated with it (children, mother, stroller, park, etc.). Guess what happened when “sex” came up? The male students smiled broadly, rubbed their hands over grubby Levi’s, and launched gleefully into a long list of words like blond, fun, legs, boobs, bed, orgasm, penis, and sweat. The girls paused, foreheads crinkled, put their hands between their knees, and came up with guilty, wrong, bad, babies, and tears. To say they honed in on the negatives is an understatement. The study conclusion? Men focus on the in-out physical act of sex, women on the emotions associated with it. Puhleeze! They could have hopped down to the nearest bar to find out that little gem of information.

Yet it’s that fuzzy, emotional side that’s at the root of most female sex problems. We worry too much about what people think. We won’t let go in case he judges us, we don’t tell a godawful lover he’s hopeless in case we scar him for life. Head of the class for being polite and caring; flunking grade for sexual enjoyment. We tend to take everything our mother, the church, our friends, or ex-lovers have said in the past to bed with us. Even the neighbors get a look in—that planned Saturday afternoon orgy of lust turns into a reluctant rendezvous if they’re home (“Shhhh! They’ll hear you!”). Hell, if the dog wanders in and looks at us the wrong way, it can stop us from coming. All a bit ridiculous, don’t you think? So stop worrying about everyone else during sex. The dog can’t blab your secrets, and Aunt Fanny’s not peering in through the blinds.

She doesn’t feel like it

It’s easiest to divide sexual disinterest into permanent and temporary. At some point, all of us have found the thought of having sex about as appealing as cleaning the toilet. The lifestyle of a typical 90s woman isn’t conducive to great sex, for starters. Overloaded schedules leave us feeling stressed, unhealthy, and unattractive. We don’t feel sexy, so we don’t want sex. Stress and tiredness affect our hormones, blocking those that give a lovely libido lift, increasing others that make us anxious. Taking time out, making priorities, and planning time for sex can solve the problem in a flash. Medication can also affect your sex drive. Antidepressants like Prozac can make you feel great from the waist up, but dead from the waist down.

Relationships are a common culprit—like being in the wrong one. Hooked up with a nice guy who does little for you sexually or hanging on to one who treats you badly? Sex slumps aren’t usually just about sex; they’re a sign that your relationship’s gone awry. If you have problems outside the bedroom they’ll filter through eventually. A bad lover is a common cause of sexual disinterest, particularly a selfish, inexperienced, or incompetent one who’s only interested in his own orgasm. If he’s a bore in bed, why would you be champing at the bit to hop in?

If you’ve never enjoyed sex, have it only because “you have to” and it rarely satisfies or arouses you, there are deeper psychological factors at play. If intercourse feels like being “speared” or you divorce yourself from the act (experiencing that weird, this-is-happening-to-someone-else feeling), you could be reacting to an earlier traumatic experience or a strict religious upbringing. Possibly, you’ve decided not to bother with relationships at all. (Read “If you’re hung up about it” and “If you’ve never had an orgasm”.) Consider seeing a therapist. It can be a sign of childhood abuse combined with repressed memories (see Chapter 8, “Serious Sex-Related Issues”).

    FOR HER

If it’s temporary, consciously concentrate on feelings and sensations when you are having sex, and don’t get too hung up on having an orgasm. Reacquaint yourself with your own body, learn what it responds to. Talk to your lover; tell him what turns you on, what doesn’t, ask for more foreplay and use extra lubrication if you’re dry. Deliberately focus on your erotic self. Do you feel like a sexual person? One therapist I know claims she can pick people who enjoy sex by the way they dress, walk, and behave. People who like sex focus on their appearance, walk with confidence, and like touching. People who don’t aren’t as aware of their bodies. Have sex more—the more you have it, the more you’ll usually want it, so indulge whenever you feel remotely turned-on.

If your problem’s long-term, you may have grown up feeling guilty about sex and may never have been “woken” erotically. In other words, you simply don’t know how to respond to sexual sensations in your body. A sensate focus program is what sex therapists use to help you “learn” how to give and receive pleasure. The idea is to reawaken your sexual feelings gradually by using sensual massage to explore first your own, then your partner’s, body. Intercourse is banned—you give and get pleasure through touch alone. Start by exploring your own body through massage. Have a bubble bath, use soap in the shower, or oil your body and lie on the bed. Experiment with different strokes (soft, firm, fast, slow) to find out what feels good and arouses you. Don’t just concentrate on the genitals and breasts; explore all of your body. Stage two involves massaging each other with oil in much the same way, this time avoiding the sex organs. In stage three, you’re officially “allowed” to touch more sexually sensitive parts with one proviso: you must talk constantly, keeping up a running commentary of what stroke and pressure feels best. When you’ve explored each stage thoroughly, you have permission to have intercourse. It helps if you also reduce stress as much as possible, opt for less “threatening” sex (like massages and oral sex), and make a “date” for sex at least once a week if you both have busy schedules.

    FOR HIM

She can’t come

Hands up if you expect to have an orgasm every single time you make love. Great! An optimistic attitude alone will guarantee you more climaxes. But it’s a tad unrealistic all the same. The mood you’re in, what’s happening in your life and relationship, the amount and type of foreplay—all these can affect whether we’ll come or not and a lot are out of our control.

Inhibitions stop us feeling relaxed enough to orgasm with a partner. Inexperience—not knowing our own body—doesn’t help either. But again, the biggest obstacle between us and the Big O is a partner who’s just plain hopeless in bed. If his idea of fore-play is “Are you awake?” the chances of orbiting into erotic ecstasy are pretty slim.

If you’ve never had an orgasm at all, there’s a section devoted exclusively to you in Chapter 4. Here, we’ll deal with women who have trouble coming with their lover.

    FOR HER

First up, look at how you orgasm when you’re on your own. Are you addicted to your vibrator? Learn a more couple-friendly technique by learning to climax with your fingers. It’s then simply a matter of showing him the right buttons to push by doing some serious communication, both in and out of bed. Use a bridge technique if you have no trouble coming while masturbating. While he’s inside you, get him to stimulate your clitoris with, his fingers; or bring you to the brink through oral sex, then use your own finger to continue stimulating your clitoris during intercourse. Try the “fake it till you make it” technique (act as if it’s happening and it might).

Some women subconsciously stop themselves going over the edge with a partner because they’re worried they’ll lose control or get too attached to him. If this rings true, ask yourself, “What’s the worst thing that could happen if I did come with him?” He’ll think you enjoy sex? (How awful!) You might fall in love? (He might feel the same way—and if he doesn’t, you’ll survive.)

Only 10 percent of women have never had an orgasm by any means, and most therapists agree (rare physical problems aside) that all women can be taught to orgasm with a partner through sex therapy.5 All it takes is time, patience, a relaxed and open attitude, and (most important) a skilled, sensitive lover. (Remember, sex can be “taught.”) If you need professional help, get it. Call the American Psychological Association and ask for a referral to someone in your area. Why miss out on one of life’s most pleasurable experiences?

    FOR HIM

“I can masturbate to orgasm within a minute. With my boyfriend, it takes at least fifteen minutes of skilled stimulation. I don’t know why, but it’s always been that way for me.”

Ellen, 27, advertising executive

Sex is painful

Almost all of us have occasionally let out a loud “Ouch!” at some stage during sex, particularly if we’re trying a new position that goes too deep. But if it’s hurting on a regular basis and you’re mainlining martinis to cope with the pain, it’s a warning something’s wrong.

Painful intercourse is officially called dyspareunia. The pain may be deep and aching, sharp, a momentary twinge, or intensely uncomfortable. It can be selective (it’s only painful at certain times) or permanent (all the time) and the causes are diverse. It could be the result of an infection (even a flare-up of candida can make us dry and sex painful), constipation, a sexually transmitted infection, a disorder of the reproductive system (like endometriosis), a urinary tract infection (like cystitis), or again (sorry guys!) clumsy or rough technique on the part of your partner. If he doesn’t spend enough time on foreplay (or isn’t very good at it), your vagina doesn’t expand and lubricate in preparation for penetration. Instead, it stays tight and dry, which makes intercourse uncomfortable or shoot-through-the-roof painful.

Not being wet is one of the most common causes of painful sex. Our natural lubrication is affected by the menstrual cycle, stress and tiredness, age—a million things! The best way to increase lubrication is to have more (good) foreplay, the second best way is to add a water-based lubricant at the beginning of making love. It’ll make sex more pleasurable, encouraging your natural secretions to kick in. The Pill can cause vaginal mucosa, a thinning of your natural lubrication; fix it by switching to a pill higher in estrogen or change contraception. Hot tubs, vaginal deodorants, and scented soap all also rob moisture.

If the pain is severe, you may have vaginismus, which causes the vaginal muscles to go into spasm, stopping penetration entirely. It may start from the first time you have sex or occur later, usually after a painful infection or unexpected pain from a deep thrust. (It’s a little like impotence: dismiss it as a one-time thing and you may be okay; worry about it and you’ll get tense and start to associate intercourse with pain.) The causes are usually psychological, and it’s not something you can control because it’s a reflex.

In almost all extreme, chronic cases of vaginismus, the woman has had a frightening early experience with intercourse—been raped, sexually abused, or always suffered pain. (If you suspect or know this has happened to you, get professional help. At the very least, read Chapter 8, “Serious Sex-Related Issues.”) If your parents saw sex as wicked, the mere mention of the word can leave you feeling terrified and tense.

    FOR HER

First things first. Call your gynecologist or your doctor. If a chronic infection or urinary tract disorder is responsible, a course of antibiotics may be all you need. Your vagina tenses up on the odd occasion? It could have to do with relationship fears. Are you frightened of getting pregnant or an STI? Don’t trust your partner? Maybe you’re just not in the mood for sex and your vagina is telling you so. If you’ve ruled out medical reasons and it’s a major problem, consider therapy.

“Guys seem to think if they can hump away for hours, it makes them a stud. The fact is, after five or ten minutes, I’m bored. If he’s still thrusting after twenty minutes, I’m sore and also thinking, ‘He can’t be that turned on by me or he’d have come by now.’”

Robyn, 24, dental assistant

A sex therapist will concentrate on two areas to solve your problem: how you feel about sex generally and your lover’s sexual technique (or lack of it). In the meantime have more foreplay to make sure you’re lubricated, add extra lubricant, spread your thighs wide and bend your knees to aid penetration, bearing down (pushing out) as your partner enters you to relax the muscles of the vagina.

If you have vaginismus, try these self-help exercises. Do them daily for several weeks and avoid intercourse until you’re ready.

  1. Start by taking a bath or simply lying quietly for a little while. Then look at your genitals in a hand mirror. Touch the entrance with a lubricated finger, then try inserting it when you feel relaxed, bearing down slightly.

  2. Leave the finger in place for a few minutes, then push it in a bit farther. If you start to tighten up, stop, then deliberately tighten the muscles around your finger, to a count of three then release. Repeat until you feel in control; aim for at least twenty contractions. These are called Kegel exercises. Keep practicing until you can push a finger all the way in without spasming.

  3. Try the same thing with two fingers, using lots of lubrication. Then …

  4. Repeat the exercise with a trusted partner. You set the pace. When you feel ready for intercourse, try a woman-on-top position. Get him to lie still, lower yourself on and let him penetrate when you feel ready. Deliberately tighten and relax your vaginal muscles as he penetrates.

    FOR HIM

“My ex-boyfriend was totally hung up on the fact that his penis was slightly smaller than normal. Every time I touched it or looked at it, he’d say, ‘You’re disappointed aren’t you?’ I wasn’t, but I was sick of having to give constant reassurance. I mean, get over it!”

Carla, 20, nurse


FIVE WAYS TO HELP HER THROUGH A ROUGH TIME

  1. Vary your lovemaking as much as possible. The more effort you put into making sex fun and erotic, the more likely she is to want it. Educate yourself. You can’t be sexually experienced without being sexually educated.

  2. Don’t be negative. Accuse her of being frigid and she’ll retreat even further. Do quite the opposite. Shower her with compliments (sexual and otherwise), lift her self-esteem to the sky, spoil her with (nonsexual) massages, say you don’t mind just cuddling if that’s what makes her happy. If you feel frustrated, masturbate.

  3. Talk to her about it. Take on the problem as if it were your own. The more she opens up to you, the closer you’ll both be to hitting on the cause.

  4. Don’t take it personally. It doesn’t mean you’re not a man if you can’t satisfy her. Even if she blurts that you’re not great in bed, sex skills can be learned.

  5. Tell her you love her. A secure, loved woman drops inhibitions, relaxes, and trusts enough to satisfy her deepest desires.

EMOTIONAL TIME BOMBS

A sex therapist friend of mine estimates that for every ten times a couple has sex, one or two sessions are fantastic, about five are mediocre, and the remaining three are boring or disastrous.6 I agree with her. No one has great sex all of the time and one reason is this: It’s not just the two of you in the bed. Getting in beside you both are your ex-lovers, your mothers and fathers, sisters, brothers, the horrible teacher you had in fifth grade, the man who “flashed” you when you were two, his grandmother, and the girl in the corner shop he kissed when he was ten. In other words, by the time you’re ready to settle down, both of you are products of numerous small and several significant life events. You can’t turn him into a sexual or emotional version of you or vice versa. There will always be points of difference both in and out of the bedroom.

A case of getting the milk for free, so no need to buy the cow? Psychologists found couples who live together are less enthusiastic about marriage than singles who still live at home with Mom or Dad. Cohabitating couples also want fewer children and are more tolerant of divorce.7

A lot of the way we relate to our partner is dependent on our parents. Psychologists believe most of our emotional programming happens when we are very young: 50 percent between the ages of zero to five years, 30 percent between five to eight years, and 15 percent between eight and eighteen. So, by the time you’re eighteen, you’re 95 percent programmed—which leaves 5 percent to work with, Horrified? Don’t be. That teeny 5 percent can turn around most of your programming if you want it to.8

The secret to a happy, successful, long-term sex life is compromise and communication. Here are some solutions to common couple sex problems.

What do I do if I’m bored with sex? I’ve been in the same relationship for years and we’ve done just about everything already. Is it inevitable that sex dies?

Nothing gets my blood boiling more than when people say to me, “It’s natural for sex to die. There’s nothing you can do about it.” The sort of people who feed me that drivel take great offense at my standard reply of “Actually there are lots of things you can do to keep sex hot, you just have to work at it,” because they’re lazy. The only advantage new lovers have over long-term ones is newness—the thrill of conquering unknown territory—pretty insignificant when weighed up against the positives: feeling comfortable with each other, talking openly, and enjoying a total lack of inhibition because you trust each other implicitly. Believing sex always fizzles out eventually is like not applying for a job because you’re convinced you won’t get it. Who knows what might happen if you make the effort? It’s the same with your sex life. It’s common for couples to lose the sexual fizz but it’s preventable. This whole book is devoted to suggesting ways to make sex varied and better. Forgive me for not believing you’ve done “everything” already, but I don’t.

Why do I find sex less exciting once I fall in love?

When we sleep with someone purely for sex, we can be as wanton and wicked as we like because we don’t really care what they think of us. Once we decide we like them and do care, it’s like a bucket of freezing water is poured over any and all sexual fantasies and desires that aren’t considered “normal.” Will he think I’m slutty? Will she think I’m weird? We switch from horny lover role to what we think is Husband or Wife material. Talk to your partner next time you feel like this, hopefully sharing a laugh about how silly your fears are. If they do expect you to act differently in bed now that you’re an item, I’d be considering whether I wanted to be.

I’m always the one to initiate sex, and I hate the fact that she doesn’t.

When you initiate sex, does she enthusiastically respond or seem halfhearted? If it’s the first scenario, she may feel she needs “permission” (your suggesting it first) because good girls shouldn’t really like it that. much Or perhaps you have a much higher libido than she does and simply want sex more often (she doesn’t get a chance to get horny because you’re always jumping in first). If she’s lukewarm to your suggestions, she probably doesn’t enjoy sex (with you or at all) and does it just because she has to. Ask her why. Maybe you’re a bad lover, and she’s too shy to tell you. Ask her if there’s anything you can do to make it more enjoyable. Wine and dine her, massage her, give her lots of foreplay and see if that makes a difference. If something feels good we like doing it often.

How come I always end up having sex his way?

I don’t know. Presumably you can speak. Get a grip, girl! Tell him you want to try something new or just take control and jump on top of him. If you lie back like a receptacle, can you blame him for assuming you want him to call the shots?

My girlfriend loves sex but hates “quickies.” Why?

It could be something as simple as this: it takes her a while to lubricate. Buy some lubricant and see if that helps. Lots of women get turned on rapidly mentally, but it takes a while for their body to follow (and “dry” sex isn’t fun). Ask her why she doesn’t like them. Quickies are a great adjunct to leisurely sex but if you opt for one every second session, I don’t blame her for not being thrilled.

Who sleeps in the wet spot?

One night you do, the next he does.

How do I say no to sex without upsetting him?

Here’s a novel concept: don’t worry if you do. Most men would prefer you say no than have sex when you don’t want to. If he does want you to perform on demand, change partners. The fact is, you don’t need his permission to refuse. If you’re polite and he’s a nice guy, he might roll over huffily and sulk for a while but, hopefully, he’ll be aware he’s acting childishly. How best to say thanks but no thanks? That really depends on the guy. Try telling the truth. “I’m exhausted and just feel like sleep” or “I don’t know why, I just don’t feel like it. Let’s cuddle instead.” Make it clear you’re rejecting sex not him, and he should handle it okay.

Is it ever okay to fake it?

No (most of the time), maybe (sometimes). See “Faking it” for answers to these cryptic clues.

How do I tell a much-loved partner he’s abysmal in bed without using words?

Try using body language to get the message across. When he does something you do like, exaggerate your response: moan loudly, move closer, kiss him harder so he can’t help but get the message you like what he’s doing. If you don’t like something, make that abundantly clear as well: twist away, lift your body away from his touch, or (better) redirect his hand/mouth or penis. Most people do to their partners what they’d like done to them. If you like having your ear licked and bitten, you’ll lick and bite his. Slip this into a conversation as a bit of interesting trivia then give him the attention you’d like the next time you’re in bed.

If he still doesn’t get the hint, you’ve got no other option but to talk to him. You really are better off using words than actions anyway. Just about every woman has lain there thinking, “If I just hang in there a bit longer, he’s bound to hit the right spot sooner or later.” But squirm all you want, sometimes it just isn’t going to happen unless you say something. Sadly, you’re not alone in wanting to stay silent. A lot of people don’t say anything in bed, let alone “Let me have it harder and a little to the left.” But how’s he to know you think he’s boring unless you tell him?

I like doing “kinky” things but get the feeling my current lover would be horrified. How do I feel her out about this, without embarrassing myself or scaring her off?

It really depends on what you—and she—define as kinky. No matter how broad-minded your lover is, I wouldn’t suggest striding into the bedroom, dressed in her underwear, without giving her a little warning first. But if “kinky” simply means trying something new, try using the third-person perspective to introduce a tricky topic. Say “I heard a story about a friend who” or “I had a dream about” and see what reaction you get. Or say you’ve got a fantasy about such-and-such. That way, you’re insinuating rather than directly propositioning, which can be erotic anyway. If she nervously starts wringing her hands, there’s your answer. If she looks interested, follow it up with “Why don’t we try it next time?”

“I was doing a girl doggie-style once and really getting into it, but all she could talk about was how big her butt must look. It was a turn-off! We don’t notice your flaws, so there’s no need to hide them. When we stare at you walking around naked, we’re appreciating the good parts, not focusing on what you think are the bad.”

Jeremy, 18, bartender

Will he think I’ve “been around” if I suggest something unusual?

Again, it depends on what it is but I’d imagine most guys would be ecstatic rather than horrified if you’d like to try something new. If he thinks you’re not a “nice girl” for wanting to experiment, you’re probably mismatched anyway. Do you want to spend the rest of your life acting like a nun?

“You can’t help but love women who can achieve that up-but-falling-down look with their hair or put on a show and parade their new underwear. The sight of her, lying deliberately arranged on the bed in my underwear gives me an erection so hard, I could carve my initials in it.”

Phillip, 23, photographer

Often, I don’t orgasm during intercourse even though my lover always does. I know I could come if he gave me oral sex afterward. Is it fair to ask?

Is it fair that he has an orgasm and you don’t? Of course it’s fair to expect to feel satisfied at the end of making love. Just bear in mind that men aren’t as blasé about body secretions as women are (they’ve never had to cope with things like periods) but a quick one-minute wash in the bathroom is likely to change his mind until he loosens up a little. Alternatively, have an orgasm before intercourse through oral sex, or ask him to manually masturbate you with his fingers afterward. Better still, get him to stimulate your clitoris during intercourse.

If he/she gives me an orgasm through oral sex, do I have to give him/her one, too?

You probably are expected to reciprocate, but it doesn’t have to be immediately. Take turns. Lots of couples plan sex sessions where one partner concentrates on the other. One day, he can massage you, finish with oral sex, and let you drift straight off into a delicious sleep; the next time, you do the same for him.

“I always feel vulnerable after sex—I think all women do. I don’t want poetry, just some sort of acknowledgment that you enjoyed it and I wasn’t just a notch on the bedpost.”

Katherine, 25, chef

He wants me to try anal sex, but I don’t want to.

Many men and women find anal sex a turn-on; lots of others would rather have pins stuck in their eyes. It’s a personal decision, and while his suggesting it doesn’t make him secretly gay or a pervert, he shouldn’t pressure you if you don’t want to. If you do decide to give it a try, let him insert a finger into your rectum to see if you like the sensation before inserting his penis. See “Anal stimulation” for more details.

My lover wants me to masturbate in front of him. Am I being a prude by not doing it? Is this now considered normal behavior?

Ten to fifteen years ago, women didn’t even admit that they masturbated, let alone put on live floor shows. Men, on the other hand, have always masturbated—a lot—and this is why he thinks it’s no big deal to ask. There’s a very good reason to go along with the idea—he’ll have a front-row seat to watch how you give yourself pleasure. (See Chapter 1 for hints on doing it in front of each other.) Don’t let him pressure you, but consider trying it: we should always push ourselves a little sexually. Stay in the comfort zone all the time and you won’t grow.

Should I share my fantasies with my partner?

It depends on how well you know and trust your partner. A friend of mine once confessed to a new lover that she’d always fantasized about sleeping with another woman. The next time she saw him, they had company: an escort girl he’d hired. Lizzie, understandably, wasn’t as impressed with his “little surprise” as he thought she’d be. Kept secret or told to the right partner, most fantasies are harmless, terrific sex-boosters. Told to the wrong person, they become revenge material for the dumped and bitter. Personally, I’d save them for a long-term, committed, and sexually liberated partner. (See “Lights, camera, erection!,”, if you do decide to share.)

Why does she hate it if I look at porn mags? Do I give up now on her ever watching porn with me?

Ever since Hugh Hefner launched Playboy in 1954, women the world over have gotten their panties in a wad over pictures of women not wearing any. The fact is, the majority of men don’t watch porn for the sinister reasons women think they do. They do it because it’s fun. Most men are turned-on by mainstream porn (which doesn’t include material involving children, animals, or extreme violence). Because men are better at separating love from sex than women are, they consider porn films an innocent “boy thing,” and most can’t understand why girlfriends take offense. Quite frankly, neither can I if we’re talking about the odd copy of Playboy or Penthouse or an occasional X-rated video. Just don’t expect her to watch or read it with you unless she wants to—and if she’s extremely antiporn, yes, give up now on ever sharing it with her.

“A bed is good for two things, and the other one is sleeping. Why do women turn it into a cross between an analyst’s couch and a confessional by wanting to talk about ‘us’ in those post-sex, pre-sleep moments? Where do you get the energy? If you want to talk about the relationship, save it for dinner. Even worse, is the guilt tripper. ‘I wish I hadn’t done that,’ you’ll say. What we really want to hear is That was great. Let’s do it again tomorrow night.’”

Alex, 36, musician

It’s a different story, however, if you’re obsessed with porn. Do you subscribe to all the porn mags, including the hard-core ones? Have you given up work to sit by the TV? Do you use it as a substitute for sex with her or can’t perform without it? Then you’ve got problems best dealt with by a sex therapist. But research shows that the infrequent porn user is your average guy. It doesn’t mean you don’t love your girlfriend or find her sexy if you look at porn mags. It doesn’t mean you’re comparing her to the girl on the page or screen or that you particularly want her to act like that. Men are turned on by pictures, women by words. You don’t get upset when she curls up with a steamy novel, do you?

Why don’t women like giving oral sex?

Some women think penises are unclean, “yucky,” or “disgusting” because that’s the place you pee from. Others have had a bad experience: some guy forced their head down until they gagged or maybe he didn’t wash his genitals properly (particularly nasty if he’s not circumcised). Some women don’t like giving fellatio simply because they’re frightened they’ll gag and be sick, others don’t like swallowing the semen at the end. If you shower regularly and thoroughly, let her control the position and depth, don’t put your hands on the back of her head, and don’t make a fuss if she doesn’t swallow, a lot more women would be converts. Let her know this is how you’ll behave. Also tell her even if she’s a novice, you don’t really care what she does, it’ll feel great. Men love oral sex because their girlfriend appears to be worshiping what he’s worshiped since he discovered it—his penis. Plus, he gets to do nothing, while she becomes the aggressor.

Must I swallow?

Most men are so happy to have their penis in your mouth, not swallowing at the crucial moment is a small part of the whole process (only a handful think it’s like watching the Superbowl without a beer). So long as you don’t abandon him completely as he’s about to climax, chances are he won’t really care. Some women don’t swallow but simply hold the semen in their mouths for a minute until they can spit it out in a tissue or the sink. Others switch to using a hand or let him thrust between their breasts.

I’m more turned-on during my period than at any other time of the month. Should I warn a new lover or just continue having sex?

Definitely warn him—looking down to see blood isn’t pleasant even when you are expecting it; when you’re not, it’s run-out-of-the-room stuff. If you have your period and want to have intercourse, all you need to do is have an old towel handy (and hopefully: a shower close by) and say some thing like, “I’ve got my period but I don’t want to wait. It doesn’t bother me if it doesn’t bother you.” Don’t get too huffy if he balks at the idea. Blood makes lots of us squeamish and remember, he’s had a lifetime of women saying, “I can’t. I’ve got my period.” He may just need a little time to get used to it. For some women, the thought of having sex during their period is unthinkable; others can’t see what all the fuss is about. It depends on your mood and the heaviness of your flow.

“Some men think if a woman’s experienced and really gets into it, she must have slept with the Foreign Legion. I think there’s nothing worse than a girl who lies there like a sack of potatoes. If she doesn’t seem interested, I’m not, either. Moan, move, spout Russian—do something to let us know if you’re enjoying it.”

Alex, 32, architect

He wants to know how many lovers I’ve had. How many should I admit to? Must I tell the truth?

What you did before you met him is your business, what he did before meeting you is his. There’s no obligation to tell him anything at all about your sexual past unless it could directly affect his health. If you do decide to bare all, be aware that you will be judged—and not necessarily by the same rules he judges himself. If he confesses to fifty lovers, your fifteen may still be five too many.

The most commonly cited statistic is ten lovers for the “average” female. Just who she is, is anyone’s guess. It also depends on your age—a twenty-five-year-old would reasonably be expected to have had more lovers than an eighteen-year-old. Plenty of women sleep with just one or two people, others clock up more than fifty guilt-free, and lots hover around the twenty to thirty mark. Instead of reducing your sexual history to a number, why not let the truth slowly emerge over the years? As the relationship deepens, you soon figure out each other’s significant previous relationships. The rest don’t count.

OTHER RELATIONSHIP WRECKERS

Unless that’s all you’re in it for, you can’t separate sex from your relationship. Here are some common couple “love” complaints and how to handle them.

My boyfriend cheated on me when we were going through a rough patch, and I can’t forget about it.

Don’t try because you won’t. Some couples do survive infidelity, most don’t. A lot depends on his reason. The fact that he was drunk and it just happened isn’t acceptable to most people. Did he wear a condom? If he was together enough to get it out of the wrapper, he was lucid enough to spare you a thought. Could he get an erection? He wasn’t that drunk. Saying sorry isn’t enough. You need to find out why he did it and why he thinks he won’t do it again. If he’s remorseful for a few weeks then gets tired of discussing the subject, ditch him now. He screwed up, you’re the one trying to live with his mistake, so it’s up to him to make you feel better. If you’ve only just started going out and you still can’t look at him months later without feeling angry, let him go. If you’ve been going out for years and intellectually understand why he did it (even if it still hurts like hell), hang in there for six months, maybe even get some counseling. But it’s up to him to earn back your trust. Sometimes an affair can unearth problems and something good comes out of it. Most of the time it simply means he can’t control himself and doesn’t respect you.

“I appreciate that lots of women aren’t obvious when they orgasm, but does he have to ask if I’ve had one every five minutes? I’ll just be starting to enjoy oral sex when his head pops up to ask the question. It puts me off and I feel like I have to hurry. I wish he’d shut up and get on with it.”

Erica, 19, journalist

I love my fiancé but I can’t honestly say I lust after him. Am I being too picky to want chemistry when everything else is so perfect?

No. A relationship without sexual attraction is friendship. If you don’t lust after your boyfriend, he’s your best friend, not a prospective husband. This is hard to accept and there are plenty of people out there who will tell you to ignore my advice and marry him anyway. If you do, I hope you have a happy, contented life together, but I fear you’ll spend most of it eyeing waiters, flirting with the butcher, and probably having a series of affairs. Living a sexless life isn’t fair to you and it’s not fair to him. He might do nothing for your libido but there’s someone out there who thinks he’s sex-on-legs. Let her find him. If you’re lucky and treat the situation sensitively, your fiancé could well end up being what he should have always been: a very special friend.

My partner constantly eyes other women. How do I stop him?

There’s a difference between noticing and admiring good-looking people and that creepy undressing-with-their-eyes lecherous leer some men have perfected. The first is normal, the second disrespectful. He’ll probably say you’re paranoid, jealous, or insecure when you confront him. Some women do overreact, so do a reality check first. Ask a well-trusted friend (even better, a well-trusted ex) if they think you have a history of imagining ???things. If they don’t, you’re convinced you’re viewing the situation objectively, and you really like the guy, start by telling him calmly how much you dislike him looking at other women while you’re with him. Ask him to stop it. If he denies he behaves that way in the first place, simply say, “Great. But I just want you to know it upsets me.” Wait until you’ve been out a few times to see if there’s an improvement. If there isn’t, sit him down again and say that unless he stops now, you’re not interested in being with him. If he changes his tune immediately, give him one more chance. If he doesn’t and you find it intolerable, leave.

What do men rate as most essential in a female sex partner? Stamina: 9.1 percent Large breasts: 10.3 percent Good oral sex technique:
    11.9 percent
Good body: 19.2 percent
Sense of humor:
    20.2 percent
Being clean: 24.5 percent
Willing to try anything:
    33.3 percent9

My partner is smothering me. She wants to be with me every second, calls (the few hours) when we aren’t together, and sucks every last drop of energy I have. I love her, but when I ask her to give me space, she gets upset.

Relationships guru Barbara De Angelis calls people like this “emotional vampires” and that’s exactly what they are: desperately needy, scared of being alone, feeding off your energy, your life. The constant attention is tremendously flattering to start with but quickly becomes tremendously irritating. The fact is, no matter how much time or love you give her, it will never be enough. Someone or something has hurt her in the past—and you’re not her therapist. Don’t hang around out of pity (or fear that she’ll do something silly).

Do suggest she seek professional help to unravel why she’s so insecure. People who love themselves aren’t leeches—they enjoy their own company and draw on their own resources rather than always relying on others.

My old boyfriend/girlfriend hurt me badly. I’m taking it very slow with my new lover, but am frightened I’ll never love again.

Good for you. It’s prudent and sensible to take it slowly. You really shouldn’t wear your heart on your sleeve: it belongs where nature put it—protected inside. Keep your eyes wide open, look at your new partner objectively, and don’t rush things. Make sure you’ve learned from old mistakes. Why did the relationship break down? Did you pick the wrong person or were you also at fault? Work on your self-esteem. You deserve to be treated well—don’t settle for anything less.

19 - 5 = happy: Count the number of times you and your partner had sex last month, then subtract the number of arguments you had over the same period. A positive number means your relationship is strong. A negative number means you’ve got a lot more to solve than just this equation!10

I’ve been seeing a girl for months but still never met her friends or family. What’s the story?

Pretty much what you fear, I suspect. There are some situations that could explain it: like she’s married (do you ever meet at her home?) or recently separated (she doesn’t feel the people close to her are ready to be introduced to a new lover). Alternatively, maybe her friends and family have given her previous boyfriends a hard time and she’s protecting you. But if she appears to adore them, refuses to discuss the problem, and simply doesn’t include you, she either doesn’t think you’re good enough to parade in public or can’t see a future together. Ask her outright, don’t be blown off, and have pride.

THE THREESOME THAT WORKS: UNHAPPY COUPLE PLUS COUNSELOR

Lucky I’m not in charge of granting wedding licenses—I’d refuse to hand one over until all in-love couples had counseling. Look at it this way: would you go and see a doctor if he didn’t have qualifications? Then why commit to live with someone for the rest of your life if they don’t have good relationship skills? Counseling isn’t just a way to repair the past, it’s great preparation for the future.

There are psychological questionnaires now available that test your relationship IQ. You can’t pick one up at your local newsstand but most good psychologists have one. Usually based on twelve major areas (like communication, children, sex, and conflict resolution), the questionnaire can predict what parts of your relationship you both need to work on and which are coasting along nicely. Do it before you move in or get married and you’ll know what you’re up against. The counselor will also give you practical tips on handling the problems before you hit them. Makes sense to me.

Already in a serious relationship that isn’t great? You’ve got two options: walk out or work it out. If counseling can’t save the relationship you’re in, the next will benefit from it anyway!

    Get help if you’re:

FOUR THINGS MEN WISH WOMEN KNEW ABOUT SEX

  1. We hate pillow talk.

  2. We love it when you’re obviously sexy.

  3. We hate it if you just lie there.

  4. The only lumps we notice on your body are your breasts.

FOUR THINGS WOMEN WISH MEN KNEW ABOUT SEX

  1. We don’t want to sleep with King Dong.

  2. We don’t want you to go on all night.

  3. Asking “Have you come yet?” stops it from happening.

  4. Saying something nice afterward is a good idea.

What will happen if we go to a counselor?

It depends on what state your relationship’s in and how good your communication skills are. Most troubled couples have between six and twelve hour-long sessions, starting off once a week, then spreading them out over a longer period. During the first session, the counselor will talk about your problems and get an idea of the relationship dynamics—your personalities and how you relate to each other. After that, they’ll start problem solving, put some action plans in place, and teach skills. Don’t be surprised if the problem you went for doesn’t turn out to be the real issue. While his not helping around the house is driving you nuts, it could be his refusal to even consider marriage that’s really bothering you.

It seems absence does make the heart grow fonder. Two-thirds of separated couples polled said they missed each other more, not less, as time went by.11

A good therapist will tailor a program to suit you both, but make no mistake, it will be incredibly demanding. For a start, you’ll be given lots of homework (no point learning skills unless you practice them) and it’s hard to break old habits, even if you know they’re getting you nowhere. (P.S. The counselor won’t tell you if it’s best you split, but they will guide you in that direction if they honestly think you’re beyond help.)

    Counseling works for couples:

    Counseling doesn’t work for couples:

How to find one

Call the National Board for Certified Counselors at 336-547-0607 (they also have a Web site at www.nbcc.org with a state-by-state listing) and ask for a list of recommended counselors in your area. You can’t get a rebate from Medicare, though some private health providers do cover it. Some community groups offer free counseling, and some private psychologists will charge you pro rata on what you earn.

THE EX-FACTOR

Sometimes, sex problems stem from an unhealthy obsession with an unfairly Intoxicating ex who seemed to steal your libido along with that favorite CD. If you’re still fantasizing about an old lover months or years later (come on—no one’s that good!), try the following.

  1. Write down why sex was so great with that person: what you did (be as specific as possible), where you did it, why it felt sensational. It’ll lean heavier on one of two sides: you’ll discover the physical act was irrelevant and it was the person that turned you on or you did things with them you haven’t done with others.

  2. Can you re-create it? If it was the person, think about the circumstances of your life at the time. You can’t compare dating Bill in hum-drum, daily life to screwing Brad while vacationing in Bali. Put Brad in your real life and sex would seem just as mundane. Utterly convinced it was a case of chemistry? Fine. If it’s that important to you, hang out until the sparks fly with someone else. If you’re pining over what you did during sex, what’s stopping you doing it with your new partner? Don’t tell him how great it felt when Brad teased your clitoris with his tongue, tell him how great it would feel if he did it.

  3. Do a reality check. Still convinced they’re the only person who can ever make you feel like that again? You’re not only being unrealistic, it’s futile. For a start, you’ve idealized it: no one’s that good in the sack. Go back to the start of the exercise, work out what it was that made sex so earth-shattering, then find someone to re-create it with.

  4. Look hard at the relationship you’re in. Is it a bandage? Are you having sex to dull the pain? Or are you so blinded by the past, you can’t see that what you’ve got is actually better? Decide which category it falls into, then do something about it. Leave or give it 100 percent. Get some therapy if you seriously can’t let go on your own.