10

Sex Myths

Most couples do it 2.5 times a week, your best friend’s getting laid more than you are, and other sex secrets and lies

It’s funny the things we grow up believing about sex and our bodies. My friend Sarah was convinced for years that if men don’t “use” their erections their testicles hurt for hours afterward. Todd still refuses to budge from his theory that some girls are so fertile nothing will stop them getting pregnant. My grandmother claimed she could pick a good girl from a bad one by the way she threw her leg over a bicycle. I, of course, being sexually superior, was able to effortlessly separate fact from fantasy. Well, that’s what I’d like to tell you. In reality, I was the biggest sucker of all—thanks to my best friend Jenny.

Jenny knew everything there was to know about sex, all of which she made up. Gullible old me, eyes like saucers, believed it all. Penises have bones in them. You took the Pill vaginally. You could cut the finger off a rubber glove and use it as a condom. Men with big noses have big penises. Jenny was also the one who told me how to use tampons—you just lay them lengthways across the opening of your vagina. For weeks, I watched other girls lock themselves in the bathroom, armed with strange-looking cardboard cylinders, muttering about how they couldn’t get the hang of tampons. I, on the other hand, was out and washing my hands before they’d even opened their instruction leaflets. Which is possibly what I should have done, since Jenny had no idea you were supposed to insert them inside. Those Playtex ads had me stumped. Girls swimming, surfing, and bouncing around in aerobics classes? All I could manage was a painful hobble, legs tightly closed to keep the thing in place. Silly when you look back (dumb, even) but also interesting how we cling to some sexual misconceptions for so long.

Some sex myths are simply outdated, reflecting different society values and morals. Times change, people change, and even the facts change sometimes when new evidence comes to light. But what remains truly astonishing is this: for a subject that’s the number one obsession of the Western world, most of the general population still know little about sex. So, here’s the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth about all the things even the sexually educated have niggling doubts about. Jenny, this one’s for you.

Does love at first sight really happen? Instant desire certainly does but experts say “knowing” right from the start is unlikely. That’s merely knowledge after the event.

THE TOP 10 WHOPPERS

Our parents had them (you’ll go blind if you masturbate, good girls don’t) and we’ve invented a totally new set of sex myths. Most of us are surprisingly naive when it comes to sorting fact from fiction—so let’s dispel the real biggies once and for all.

They’re great-looking so sex is going to be fantastic.

Not only is this untrue (there is a God after all), but neither sex has the foggiest what the other truly finds attractive. While you’re sweating it out at the gym frantically working for a reed-thin body, the studies say he’s eyeing “real women”—curvaceous, voluptuous creatures who probably qualify as “plump” by today’s standards. Ditto the muscle-man working out beside you: we consistently rate nice smiles and a sense of humor as far more appealing than abs of steel.

Even if you do get to bed the best-looking guy or girl on the block, sex rarely lives up to expectations. Because their whole self-image revolves around their looks (that’s all they ever get complimented on), the truly beautiful are often insecure, tense, and inhibited in bed. If they’re not admired for anything else, it’s essential they keep up the beautiful look at all times—not great when sex is messy, sweaty, and often unflattering at the best of times. A good lover doesn’t notice sperm up their nose, pubic hairs in their teeth, and a roll of fat squashed between you both because they’re so immersed in the sensation, they’ve lost conscious thought. Call me cynical, but if you’re wondering if your Estée Lauder eyeshadow really has proved to be crease-free as he lines up for the final thrust, you’re not into it. Ditto for men who worry about messed-up hair.

There’s more to the term “settle down and get married” than you think. Men’s testosterone level—the hormone that reputedly makes them aggressive—is high when men are single, goes down when they get married, and rises again on divorce.1

Sex is the most important thing in a relationship.

You can only spend so much time in the bedroom. So if it’s a love (not a sex) affair, you’re forced to relate on other levels at least some of the time. Most people’s needs in life divide roughly equally into spiritual (connecting with others), mental (brain stimulation), emotional (loving and being loved), and sexual. You can’t (and absolutely shouldn’t) discount sex because it’s definitely important; on the other hand, it’s only 25 percent of our lives. In my opinion based on surveys and studies on relationships I’ve read over the years, around 20 percent of you consider earth-shattering sex “crucial,” the other 80 percent consider it “the icing on the cake” of a good relationship. According to the weighty Kinsey Institute New Report on Sex, bad sex isn’t even a major cause of divorce (though it is certainly up there on the “why I want to leave” list). The general consensus from the experts seems to be this: when sex is good, or even okay, it’s afforded the same importance we place on things like shared goals, trust, and love. It’s when it’s bad that it tends to become the focus of the relationship, insidiously destroying everything else.

Most couples have good sex most of the time.

“If John doesn’t do it at least once a day, he goes crazy,” your best friend reveals after a bottle of wine. “Oh, we haven’t done it in bed for years” boasts Jane. Why is it that everyone else’s sex life seems better than our own? One reason could be that you’re at different stages in your relationships. You can’t compare new sex with a four-year-been-there-done-that relationship; the human nervous system is programmed to become desensitized the more of the same stimulation it gets. That’s not to say long-term sex can’t be as good; it’s just different. If your partner knows all the right buttons to push (and they should after all that practice!) orgasm is often guaranteed for long-time lovers and, with effort, you can still be very passionate. But cut-your-arm-off-to-get-it, out-of-control, raging lust every night, after years of sharing the same bed? Possible, but you’d be unable to hold down a job with the amount of energy it would take to sustain it. Life and all its pressures get in the way and many couples are too tired to have sex at some stages in their life (kids, new job, or skidding through a rough patch). So how come your sister still has mind-blowing sex after six years of marriage? She may think you have a great sex life and doesn’t want to admit she doesn’t. Or she really does have terrific sex—once a month. It’s all subjective.

Beware a lover who believes you were “meant” for each other. People who think romance is in the hands of destiny and fate tend to end relationships rather abruptly—the minute they discover you’re less than perfect. (Human perhaps?)2

The average couple makes love 2.5 times a week.

We forget that an average statistic is just that—an average. Researchers have lumped in the couple who shred the sheets three times a day with Bertha and George who manage it once a year and all those who fall somewhere in between, added up their weekly totals, and averaged them all out. You could have sex every day for a month, then abstain totally for the next two and still make the average. Add to this that most women don’t have sex during their period, most couples don’t if they’re sick, tired, or arguing, and that on vacation we make love three times more often, and you’d have a hard time trying to be Mr. and Mrs. Average. Besides, not all nationalities conform to the old 2.5 figure (though Americans are pretty close at an average of 2.6). Couples in Hong Kong only indulge in sex once a week; Italians (despite their image) do it 1.7 times. Americans top the global average for time spent making love—but don’t feel too smug, it’s still only 28 minutes. Pathetic when you consider the amount of time the average person spends watching TV!4

Americans have sex, on average, 138 times a year. The most sexually active people globally: Couples who live together but aren’t married (146 times a year). Number of times singles have sex: 69 times a year. Married couples: 118 times.3

Men sleep around more than women do.

A great deal of research has gone into solving the twentieth-century mystery of why men consistently report having three times more sex partners than women do. (If it’s true there’s an awfully sore woman out there.) It could be that, generally, men overestimate and women do the opposite. What’s more likely is this: women tend to remember sex if it was part of a long-term relationship. We “forget” (somewhat conveniently) any one-night stands. Based on my research experience, I’d suggest the real total for women is about three times more than they say or admit. Oddly enough, that makes both sexes even.

If they’re having an affair, they don’t love me.

Wrong again. Affairs aren’t about love, they’re about sex, a certain kind of sex. It’s the affair that’s the turn-on, not the person. Sex on the sly, a bit on the side—even the expressions we use hint at the real reason people stray from home. It’s the excitement of secrecy. One study found that not only were people more obsessed with past, secret relationships than those that were out in the open, but that the minute the forbidden relationship was revealed or (even worse) approved of, it fizzled out fast. The novelty of being with someone new is the other motivator. The thrill of the chase, the ego-boost—we’re all suckers for a bit of attention. Having an affair doesn’t mean your partner doesn’t love you, but it does mean they don’t respect you.

Most of the things you and your partner argue about today, you’ll still be fighting about a decade from now. Couples fight about the same issues 69 percent of the time—we don’t resolve our problems because many of them are unsolvable. Swapping partners doesn’t help either—you’ll just get a different set of unresolvable issues!5

Most people now use condoms because of AIDS.

I’d dearly love to tell you otherwise but although people are buying and carrying condoms, they aren’t actually taking too many out of the packet. Youth, booze, and hormones is proving a potentially lethal cocktail for teenagers the world over who regularly have unprotected sex. The newly single are another group who believe they’re immune to AIDS: divorced, widowed, or separated people are five times more likely to have unsafe sex than those who are married.6 It seems hard to believe intelligent people knowingly put their lives at risk. But they do. Often.

If you don’t wake the neighbors, you’re not enjoying yourself.

Some people scream their heads off at football games, others just wave a banner—that doesn’t mean one’s enjoying it more than the other. While it’s great if your partner does make noise (it’s good feedback), it really depends on their personality. For many women, reaching orgasm is a long, private process that involves intense concentration. She’s battling to stay focused on the sensation so when she does climax, she isn’t likely to blow all that hard work by announcing the fact to the entire world. Some men are also quiet achievers. To each his own.

It’s not what you’ve got, it’s how you use it.

Partly true, partly false. The saying should go, “It’s not what you’ve got, it’s how you compensate for it.” If you’re a half-inch or so under the average, chances are she hasn’t noticed or cared. But if you’re talking really little, you can “use it” (that is, thrust) all you like and it probably won’t be the best penetration she’s experienced. The small guy who has extraordinary oral sex and foreplay skills, however, won’t have too many problems; the guy hung like a horse will if he relies exclusively on his penis.

Opposites don’t attract, similarity does. Couples who have the same values, attitudes, interests, and ways of looking at the world are more likely to say they’ve found “a soulmate” and more likely to stay together. On the other hand, hooking up with someone whose differences complement your own personality is a good idea. That’s why worrier-relaxed and shy-outgoing combos work.

Women are turned off by porn.

Both sexes are turned-on by pornography and erotica, just different kinds. Generally, men go for more explicit, hard-core stuff; women usually prefer erotic, soft images (and a plot, if it’s at all possible). Women also often need to look at the people on the screen and think “I could/would like to do that” or they don’t relate to it. But as for not enjoying it at all—nonsense. The recent boom in made-for-women-by-women flicks is evidence enough that if it’s the right kind, we’ll eat it up.

THE CUTTING EDGE: CIRCUMCISED VERSUS UNCIRCUMCISED

Circumcision—removing the foreskin of the penis—is commonly performed for “hygienic” or religious reasons. Even though many parents are now debating the value of this procedure, the vast majority of men in the United States are still circumcised because the medical community, including the American Academy of Pediatrics atrics, upholds the theories that circumcision reduces the risk of penile cancer and infections of the foreskin (even though the research is in very early stages and not completely conclusive to date).7 Chances are, however, many women will encounter both “cut” and “uncut” penises so let’s challenge a few misconceptions right here and now.

Circumcised penises are prettier

This is a matter of personal taste and what you’re used to. Take a look through some old photos and most of us will cringe at the getups we thought looked marvelous ten years ago. The fact is, they did—at the time. Fashions change and so does our perception of what looks good. If you’ve only slept with circumcised guys, an uncircumcised penis looks different and our natural reaction is to go “yuck.” If everyone you’ve slept with is uncircumcised and you come across a circumcised one, it will look funny to you as well.

Uncircumcised men don’t get as hard

Believe me, the blood pumps just as ferociously through an uncircumcised penis as it does a circumcised one. The reason it doesn’t feel as hard around the glans (head), is that the extra skin “cushions” it slightly. Ever so slightly.

Uncircumcised ones are smelly

The uncircumcised guy does need to be scrupulous about his personal hygiene to avoid odor problems. But if he showers regularly and washes properly—gently pulling the foreskin back from the penis and washing underneath with mild soap—he’ll smell (and taste) just as sweet as the next guy.

Uncircumcised guys are more sensitive

Quite true. Because the head of his penis is covered by skin, it’s not exposed to things like rubbing against clothing. But this doesn’t mean he’ll come more quickly. Inside the vagina, the sensation’s essentially the same and it’s what he’s used to, so if he blames premature ejaculation problems on being uncircumcised, he’s putting you on. It’s his brain, not his foreskin, that needs sorting out.

Which feels best for him?

Adrian was circumcised at twenty-four, so is in the unique position of having experienced both:

The biggest human penis ever recorded was 13 inches long. The smallest functioning penis was tiny 5/8 inch long 8

“I’m English and, as was the custom back then, not circumcised as a baby. A few girls commented that I was unusual, simply because most guys were, but I didn’t think much about it until I was twenty-three and got a fibrous growth that caused thickening of the foreskin. It was incredibly painful. I couldn’t pull the foreskin back to wash because it felt like my penis was being strangled. But I’d force it, it would tear, scab over, then form scar tissue and make the whole problem worse. I was too embarrassed to see a doctor but when it got to the point that sex was agony, I went.

“I felt quite humiliated getting circumcised at such an old age and it hurt like hell afterward. It felt like someone had put a red hot poker up my penis and it stung for days. I had to wear sarongs, much to the amusement of my girlfriend and her friends, and it took about two weeks to heal properly. Sex wasn’t dramatically different—probably because I’d fooled around a bit even though I wasn’t supposed to and got used to it. I felt more sensitive the first few times we had intercourse, but that quickly passed. As far as sensation and the time it took me to orgasm, there was no change whatsoever. But I’d probably say I prefer being circumcised. My penis is easier to care for (you don’t have to mess around with the foreskin) and I think it looks cleaner and more attractive. If I had a child, I’d probably get him circumcised, simply because I’d hate him to have to go through the pain I endured if he also had problems at a later age.”

ANSWERS TO SOME COMMON QUESTIONS

Am I normal (and is my partner)?

This is the most commonly asked question in sex therapy and the hardest to answer—“normal” is virtually impossible to define because we’re all individuals. People ponder the question because they believe all the sex myths, know they don’t apply to their own sex lives, don’t realize they don’t apply to other people’s, either, and think everyone else is having a better time than they are. But not only is it unhealthy and inhibiting to aspire to be normal (not to mention boring—do you really want to be the quintessential Mr. and Mrs. Jones?), it’s impossible. Read all the sex surveys you want but you still won’t really know what other people do in bed because what people say and what people do are two totally different things.

Instead, steer toward another goal: developing a healthy, satisfying sex life where nothing is “kinky” or wrong provided both of you agree. Don’t fall for the “but everyone else does it” argument and be pressured into doing things you don’t want to, but consider trying things that sound reasonable at least once. If you’re not sure if you’re being narrow-minded, read a few good sex books to get an impression of whether what your partner is suggesting is standard sexual practice or listed with more unusual things (like sexual deviance). That will give you a good idea of whether your attitude to sex is prudish—or prudent.

My vagina sometimes makes noises during sex and it sounds like I’m breaking wind. Help!

Some positions of intercourse—particularly him entering from behind—force air into the vagina which is expelled (usually in a most unelegant fashion) after he withdraws. It’s a totally normal bodily function which most couples ignore or giggle over. Tongues licking, mouths kissing, bodies slapping together—sex is noisy and this should add to the excitement rather than detract from it. The only way to stop your body from making noises is to stick exclusively to the missionary position and not get too carried away. Fun, eh?

My vagina’s smelly—what should I do?

The French have a name for the smell of a woman’s genitals—cassolette—which means perfume box. Most men are turned-on by your natural scent (even if you aren’t) and that slightly acidic smell is normal. If the smell has changed, become stronger, or a discharge has appeared with it, see your doctor to make sure you don’t have an infection. Otherwise, wash with unscented soap, wear cotton underwear, and steer clear of too much garlic (your breath isn’t the only place it turns up).

How much pubic hair is normal? I think I’ve got too much.

Yikes! There’s that awful “normal” word again. Why is it some people have curly hair and others perfectly straight? It’s called genes. If you feel Mom or Dad have been a little too generous in the pubic department, trim, wax, shave, or have it removed by electrolysis. Bear in mind though, some men love it!

A HIGHER LOVE

We’ve all heard the hype about how great sex is meant to be if you’ve dropped ecstasy or are coked to the eyeballs. But what’s the reality? According to one young women’s magazine survey, 25 percent of under twenty-five-year-olds take “party” drugs once a month or less, 23 percent every weekend, and 18 percent every day (with the average starting age being sixteen).9 Faced with these stats, I figured I’d better find out. You can guess the conclusion by the fact that I’ve included it in this chapter—the one devoted to debunking myths. The fact is, most of the extravagant claims about the aphrodisiac effect of these drugs simply aren’t true. And even if you have had an out-of-this-world sex session after taking them, there’s a downside.

Some claims about drugs and sex aren’t fiction. You are far more likely to have sex without a condom, for instance, so your chance of contracting an STI or HIV rises sharply if you indulge. One-third of those surveyed in the magazine admitted they’d had unsafe sex while on drugs; others “couldn’t remember.” Other truisms: you’re far more likely to end up in bed with someone you wouldn’t have been remotely interested in sober or straight; you’re more likely to put yourself in dangerous situations; you’ll have sex sooner than you usually would with a new partner. Illicit drugs also up your chances of becoming intimate with someone you hadn’t planned on—the police.

I haven’t included the numerous general health risks associated with recreational drugs, just the effect they may have on your sex life. I can generalize though: all are bad for you, all can cause long-term, serious health problems, all are addictive, and too much of some can kill you. All the information included here is provided by people who regularly use recreational drugs, as well as the health authorities who battle to clean up the not-so-fabulous side effects. I don’t take illegal drugs. I hope you don’t, either. No one’s denying a few drinks can relax you and your inhibitions but too much alcohol and even small amounts of the other drugs I’ve covered here aren’t safe and won’t improve your sex life long-term. The best sex stimulants are your hands, your mouth, your genitals, your heart, and, most important, a clear, active, imaginative brain. No chemicals necessary. If you need drugs to enhance your enjoyment of anything, you’ve got problems.

Alcohol

Users claim

In small or moderate amounts, alcohol has psychological effects which can help us feel and be more sexy. A few drinks reduces our inhibitions and lends courage to those who are too shy to let loose sexually when sober. Alcohol makes us feel warm, fuzzy, and affectionate, making us more approachable and open to sexual advances.

The downside

Too much can make us a little too uninhibited—we’re far more likely to have unsafe sex when drunk as well as sleep with someone we wouldn’t have otherwise.

Drunk, some people become aggressive and violent, others sink into morbid moods.

Booze is also notorious for stopping him from getting an erection.In Macbeth, Shakespeare wrote that alcohol “provokes the desire, but takes away the performance.” Clever boy, Shakespeare. Down more than the recommended two beers, spirits, or wines in an hour and hello impotence!

Because it’s a depressant, alcohol chemically acts to slow down or stop the physical processes necessary for sexual arousal and orgasm. For men, this means either no erection or a semisoft one—and he’ll have trouble coming to orgasm. It also affects arousal, lubrication, and ability to orgasm for women. Drink too much, and the only thing you’ll do lying down is pass out.

Sobering news: The most popular aphrodisiac for men and women is alcohol.

If you’re having a smoke along with that drink, your blood vessels will be narrowed. This reduces the blood flow into the penis (again, making for soft erections) and stops blood flow to the vaginal walls, decreasing lubrication. While 45 percent of people say alcohol enhances sex, 42 percent say it does quite the opposite.10

Real life

“Booze has landed me in bed with ex’s, married men, and complete losers. They all look good when I’ve had a few too many and my morals go out the window. It’s also made me sleep with guys I really do like way too early. They think I’m easy and I never see them again.” Jamie, 21, secretary

Dope (marijuana or cannabis)

Users claim

When the young readers of a UK magazine were surveyed, 56 percent said they smoked it regularly and 63 percent said it enhances sex.11

Of all the party drugs, dope is the most sexually unpredictable of all. Some people swear it makes sex better, and chemically it just might. Dope increases blood levels of phenylethylamine, a neurotransmitter associated with love and lust.

Like alcohol, smoking a joint can help us overcome inhibitions and make us feel more relaxed, so it can increase the chances of female orgasm in someone who’s normally too uptight to let go. It also increases awareness and sensitivity of our skin and genitals. Sex is lazier and more leisurely; and it seems to last longer because marijuana affects our perception of time.

The downside

The effects vary dramatically from one user to the next, and there’s no way of telling which way you, or your partner, will go. Lots of people withdraw or become anxious and irritable rather than snuggly or sexy. It’s a crapshoot. Habitual users eventually lose desire: it’s an effort to drum up the motivation to think about sex, let alone do it.

Real life

“I love having sex while I’m stoned but only with a long-term lover. I did it once with a guy I’d just met and felt like he was raping me.” Tracey, 32, stylist

“E” or ecstasy

Users claim

Eighty-three percent of users say it enhances sex.12 Ecstasy is a chemical originally used as a diet pill. It was later rediscovered and introduced to partygoers as a drug that would boost desire and make sex better, along with feelings of intense happiness and affection (hence the name). Users say sex is amazing on E: they feel loving, skin feels soft and wonderful to touch, their bodies feel sensitive all over, and they spend longer on foreplay than usual.

Regular coffee drinkers are considerably more sexually active than those who don’t indulge in the brew. An undiscovered aphrodisiac? Nah! Researchers think it’s simply because it keeps us awake long enough to have sex.13

The downside

It’s incredibly dangerous, especially in impure forms, and since it’s illegal, you have no idea what you’re getting. Ecstasy alters our perceptions entirely: you “love” everyone (and end up in bed with more than a few) and you are full of the joys of humankind (you can’t imagine that anyone could cause you harm so put yourself in dangerous situations). While ecstasy can make us feel more like sex, it makes us take longer to reach orgasm—if you can manage one at all.

Real life

“Everyone looks good on E. You’re up on the dance floor and you think you’re with the most gorgeous guy in the club. So you take him home and sleep with him. Sometimes, if I do it when I’m coming down, I suddenly become really lucid and think, Who is this guy? What am I doing? Once, I tried to get the guy to stop but he was so whacked, he couldn’t comprehend what I was saying. The next day, you wake up beside guys you’d cross the street to avoid when you’re straight. I stopped doing E for all those reasons.” Annie, 26, hairstylist

Coke (cocaine)

Users claim

Originally used as a local anesthetic, coke has had a reputation as an aphrodisiac for centuries. Fifty-nine percent of users agree it enhances their sex lives.14 Coke makes people feel confident and exhilarated, and this increases their sense of desirability. In other words, they feel more attractive. Some people say it reduces their inhibitions while simultaneously increasing their libido and eroticism. The shy and insecure love coke because it helps them relate better to others and have more empathy. Advocates say it makes you “go all night” and you feel strong and full of energy, making sex seem more animalistic. It’s less “touchy” than sex on and E and all your senses feel sharpened.

The most common side effects of recreational drugs:
Mood swings—55 percent of users have them
Depression—46 percent
Frightening flashbacks—11 percent
Bad skin—26 percent
Lack of concentration—55 percent
Memory loss—44 percent15

The downside

It’s so addictive, improving your sex life becomes the least of your problems—funding your expensive habit is what you have to worry about. Heavy users find the intense experiences produced by coke impossible to replicate without it, so lose interest in sex if there’s no “Charlie” on offer as well. Coke can either boost erections or severely reduce the chances of getting one. It has similarly varied effects on women: some find their desire and capacity for orgasm enhanced, lots say regular use makes them feel dead from the waist down and they couldn’t come if their life depended on it. Habitual users (those whose life does depend on it) lose sexual desire completely. Many coke users find orgasms elusive, hovering on the brink but not able to actually have one. Crack is a refined form of coke, and has a similar—and even more addicting—effect on users.

Real life

“It’s fantastic, sex on coke. Everyone should try it. You feel so alive and buzzing. My girlfriend and I don’t even bother to have sex if we don’t have any or can’t afford enough to last all week. I guess we’re both addicts but hey, we’re young. We’re supposed to be having fun.” Alan, 20, ad executive

Speed (or uppers)

Users claim

Thirty-nine percent of young people use amphetamines like speed regularly.16 It can stimulate sexual desire and lots take it to increase their stamina for sex because it gives an energy boost. Sex on it is “a rush,” your senses are heightened, and your heart beats faster.

The downside

It’s hard to orgasm, making sex decidedly frustrating. With regular use, desire fades completely. Speed can also make it difficult to get, and keep, an erection. Both sexes say they have trouble keeping their mind on the job, and they’re eager to move on to something else.

Real life

“I’d been crazy about this girl for ages, and one night at a rave party, I took speed and she took an E. We went back to her place, had sex a few times and it felt fantastic, but then she got dressed and said we had to go back to the party. She didn’t want her boyfriend to catch us—I didn’t even know she had one. I felt really let down and knew how girls felt when they’ve been used and abused. I haven’t touched the stuff since.” Mel, 23, psychology student

THREE IN A BED: THREESOMES, SWAPPING, AND GROUP SEX

“I must be the luckiest man alive,” confided my friend James, three sheets to the wind. “My wife wants us to try a threesome with another woman.”

“So, are you going to?” I asked him.

“Of course!” he sputtered. “God, what man in his right mind would knock the chance to sleep with two women at once?” There was a telling pause. “I mean, you’d have to be a real wimp to say no, wouldn’t you … wouldn’t you? It’s every guy’s dream … isn’t it?”

“But not yours,” I said, taking a guess.

“I was nineteen and had been going out with this guy for about a month. We had terrific sex but both of us knew that was all we had. We were fooling around with a girlfriend of mine who’s really into sex as well and she French-kissed me as a joke, to see if he got jealous. He pretended to, so we hammed it up a bit and somewhere along the line, stopped laughing and started getting into it. It very naturally turned into a threesome and all of us enjoyed it but no one instigated a repeat performance. My girlfriend and I haven’t mentioned it since.”

“No,” he admitted, embarrassed as hell. “Truth is, the idea frightens the hell out of me.”

James isn’t alone. While just about all of us have fantasized about threesomes and group sex, taking that leap to reality is something else. James was terrified he wouldn’t be able to satisfy both women, that they’d think he was hopeless, that he’d be left out, and that his wife would turn gay and leave him.

“I’m also not entirely convinced I’ll be able to handle watching someone I love getting it on with another person, male or female,” he confessed sadly.

I’m with him. I’m far too jealous to share, but lots of people I know have had threesomes with varying results. Generalizing outrageously, I’d say the ones that it worked for were couples who hadn’t been together long and didn’t really mind their partner being with someone else. They had a trip, said it made great future fantasy material, but wouldn’t rush to repeat it. For older, long-term couples, it was an emotional disaster. Even if they enjoyed it at the time, most said the fallout afterward was incredibly destructive. Jealousy, “broken” trust, paranoia that their partner secretly preferred the third person—three in a bed really is dicey stuff. Convinced your relationship could handle a ménage à trois) Read this first.

Why we want to do it

Often, threesomes appeal because we’re too lazy to put the work in to boost a flagging sex life. We think a quicker, easier way to add spice is to introduce a third party—let them do the work. On the other hand, lots of us are aroused by the sight and sounds of others having sex—that’s why we watch erotic videos. It can be instructive to watch other people’s sexual techniques, it can make us feel desirable if there’s more than one person enjoying our body, it undoubtedly adds variety and, of course, it’s taboo. The thrill of doing something both naughty and novel is often a turn-on in itself.

Some like the idea of being the center of attention and the thought of all that pleasure—two tongues, two sets of hands, two penises or vaginas—sounds great. In our fantasy, many of us cast ourselves in the taking role. Generally, women are more aroused by the two women and a man combination than men are by two men and one woman.

Threesomes sometimes seem like a natural solution to couples who are bored with each other but don’t want to leave or do something “behind their back.” Doing it in front of their partner seems less of a betrayal and most imagine the third person as an enjoyable addition rather than a threat. The people I interviewed indulged with like-minded friends, placed or answered an ad in the personals, or went along to a massage parlor that catered to couples. Even if the experience was positive, in most cases, once was enough—they satisfied their curiosity but found one-on-one sex ultimately more fulfilling.

What can go wrong

Real life is very different from fantasy. Couples who love each other usually have a hard time seeing their partners with someone else and often the physical pleasure dulls because of the strong negative emotions threesomes throw up. Most of us are pretty territorial about relationships and our partners, and not used to sharing them so there’s often jealousy (of the third person’s body, technique, how your partner related to them). Three people in one bed is, by virtue of the fact that it’s an uneven number, unequal—someone usually fancies someone else more and the attention seems to tilt that way.

After the thrill’s worn off (and perhaps the alcohol—a few drinks can do wonders for turning us on physically and off mentally), lots of people feel guilty and resentful (particularly if they were talked into it), ashamed, “cheap,” or disgusted with themselves. But the most common negative of all is feeling betrayed and that trust has disappeared. “I can’t get the images out of my head” and “I’m scared they’ll see them without me” were common comments from the people I surveyed. If your partner wants a repeat and you don’t, you feel threatened. Sometimes wanting group sex is a sign of immaturity. It’s all about instant gratification and it’s far less personal than the one-on-one variety. It can also mean one or both of you have intimacy problems.

“My boyfriend called roommate in while we were having sex. I said nothing because I knew it was what my boyfriend wanted. When his friend said he was getting a hard-on, my boyfriend asked him to join us. They had a ‘sandwich’: My boyfriend penetrated me anally, the other guy vaginally. They’d obviously discussed it before. I felt like a whore.”

Judith, 22, promotions manager

In a sense, going along to an arranged sex party is more honest and less tricky than a threesome with a friend. Everyone knows what they’re there for, there’s little chance of a relationship developing because people swap around a lot and you’re not likely to see each other again. “Swinging” or “swapping” usually means your partner’s not in the same room or doing it in front of you so there are no nasty images to replay in your head. Groups that organize swapping parties also usually enforce set rules about using condoms and stopping if one person isn’t enjoying it.

“If God had meant us to have group sex, I guess he’d have given us all more organs. “

—Malcolm Bradbury

If you are going to give it a whirl

If you decide to go ahead, here’s what you should do: