12 Everyday Couples, Exceptional Sex

I’m sorry, did you say monogamy or monotony?

When I was twenty-one, I got engaged to my childhood sweetheart. “Do you know,” he said, gazing soulfully into my eyes, “I’ll be the last person you’ll ever have sex with for the rest of your life.” It felt as though someone had kicked me in the stomach. I felt like a rabbit caught in the headlights of an approaching car. Like the jailers had just turned the key on the lock to my prison cell. My vision of marriage transformed from trendy career couple swilling wine while having wild sex on the back patio to polyester dresses, aprons, floury fingers, and twin single beds. The ring was off my finger within a week.

It wasn’t that I hadn’t thought about the sex side or that I wanted to do the entire male Olympic swim team (though I could think of worse ways to spend a week). It was the concept of one person being my first, my last, and one and only. I just couldn’t do it. The word monogamy threw up frightening images of padded cells for years after that but somewhere along the line my attitude changed. I finally figured monogamy and monotony don’t have to go together like peaches and cream. Here’s how I look at it now…

Picture your favorite restaurant. Now imagine dining there every single night for the rest of your life. After a month, that greasy takeout Chinese food is looking appealing! Sex with the same person can be like that. Why would you crave a hamburger when you could have filet mignon? Simple. You’re sick of filet mignon.

Okay. Now go back to the restaurant and imagine that each night you go there, something is different. One night, the music’s son and the lights are dimmed. The next, the stereo’s blasting and they’ve cleared the tables to make a dance floor. One evening they serve French food, the next Italian, the following Thai. There’s enough variety to order a different dish every night. The decor changes constantly: dark, gothic, and moody one night, bright, light and stainless steel the next. In winter, there’s a fire, in summer the windows are flung open to catch the breeze and a view. Sometimes, you go alone and read a book. Other times, you and your lover solve the world’s problems until the wee hours, or you’re romantic and playful. The point is this: even if the place is the same, if you change the variables, it seems different. Ditto for monogamous sex.

You can make love to the same person for the rest of your life in a million different ways, places, and situations. Naked, half-naked, or clothed; clothes ripped off or stripped off. Sex can be slow and sensual, raw and wicked, intense and erotic; a two-hour marathon or a two-minute quickie up against the fridge. Dinner outside, dinner in—with dessert eaten off each other’s bodies. Does monogamy have to be boring? In a word: no. Why then, do most people complain it is?

When pop gender-bender Boy George made headlines by admitting he’d prefer a cup of tea to sex most nights, thousands of couples secretly agreed with him. When Dr. Patricia Love released a book called Hot Monogamy, hordes of desperate couples deviated from their sacred Saturday, Starbucks/Ikea/Target circuit to head for the local bookstore. Eavesdrop on any cappuccino-fueled conversation between two females with kids and you’ll hear, “Sex? God! I couldn’t care less if I never did it again.” Hell, neither would I if him on top, only on Sundays, and always in bed sex was all that was on offer. If that’s monogamy, no wonder it’s very, very dull (if it was ever exciting in the first place). If slipping between the sheets and into the same sex ritual every time sums up your love life, two points for even mustering up enough enthusiasm to open this book!

But here are the words you’ve been waiting to hear: sex can get better us the years roll on. Not only that, it can improve RIGHT NOW. There’s just one catch: you have to be prepared to put creativity and effort into your sex life to introduce the variety that’s lacking. At first, if you’re mind-numbingly bored by each other’s bodies, this will be a real drag. One or two sessions later, it’ll seem less like hard work. One month from that, you’ll start grinning at each other whenever you think about last night. And two months from now? Your friends will be calling to say, “Where were you two last night? You never seem to go out much anymore …”

WHAT’S GREAT ABOUT MONOGAMY

You can still have sex on “fat days”—you know he finds all of you sexy.
You can relax a little—it doesn’t matter if you don’t get an erection, she knows it’s a fluke.
You don’t have to use condoms—you’ve both had AIDS tests and don’t want to have sex with other people.
You can drop those inhibitions—you trust each other and know you won’t be branded “weird,” “slutty,” or “perverted” if you confide a fantasy.
You’re pretty well guaranteed an orgasm—if you’ve taught each other well, you each know the right buttons to push.
You enjoy all different types of sex, not just the lusty sort. Sometimes it’s romantic and lazy, and it’s always loving and intimate.
You smile when you wake up together the morning after—rather than wonder how the hell you got there.

WHAT ISN’T

There are two major complaints about monogamy: sex can become routine and boring (try everything in this chapter, then get back to me on that one!) and the “newness” has gone. That’s the number one beef of even happy couples. “I love X, but you just can’t re-create that fabulously erotic feeling you get when it’s someone you’ve never done it with before.” Hmmm. I could lie and give you false hope. I could say, “Don’t be silly, of course it’s possible.” But I honestly don’t believe it is.

Playing games, acting out fantasies, introducing so much variety your head is spinning—all will help immeasurably. But it’s still not the same as the very first time with someone new: that’s the one downside of monogamy. But if it’s the only bad thing, it’s a small price to pay for all the pluses of being with someone you love. Cope with it by having sex with anyone you want—in your imagination. Fantasize wildly that she’s the girl in your office or he’s your best friend’s boyfriend, but DON’T TAKE IT THROUGH TO REALITY even if you can get away with it.

According to a leading U.S. infidelity expert, many men who love their partners and enjoy good sex at home still never turn down an opportunity for sex on the side. Fifty-six percent of men who have affairs say their marriages are happy.¹

Every time you’re tempted, work through this exercise. Imagine your partner’s face if they found out (and it’s amazing how most people do). Picture how hurt they would be. Remember that they, too, feel the odd urge to roam but don’t, out of respect for you. Even if they never find out, you know you’ve betrayed them. You’ve broken that special bond and can never, ever look them in the eye honestly again. Then imagine your partner being so hurt and angry, they leave you. You’ve broken their heart, you’ve lost everything, you feel like a complete scumbag. Was that thrill, that one blissful moment of experiencing a new body, worth it? If you run all this through your mind and still consider it would be, get out of the relationship NOW. You don’t just want sex on the side, you want to be single.

Some sex therapists say it’s normal for each of you to have the odd sexual encounter during your lives together. What you don’t know can’t hurt you, etc. I don’t agree. I’ve seen pointless they’ll-never-find-out encounters destroy more than one otherwise blissfully happy couple. In all cases, the person who strayed counts it as the No. 1 Biggest Mistake of Their Life.

THEY’RE HOT, YOU’RE NOT

The third most common couple sex complaint is mismatched libidos: your partner wants sex more or less than you do. To a point, it’s something you both have to learn to accept. Having said that, there’s a hell of a lot you can do to even the scales.

Part of the turn-off of monogamous sex is that you’ve got sex on tap. It’s always available. The single and sex-starved crave for someone to touch their genitals. Long-time lovers don’t get a chance to build desire because it’s always being satisfied. So, you start having sex when you don’t really want to (because you feel you should), it becomes boring, and your brain starts to associate the two. Part of the solution is obviously variety (see “Foreplay for familiar lovers”), but you have to want to try the suggestions I’ve made—and if you don’t feel like sex, why would you?

If your partner wants it more than you do

If you want sex less often than your partner, here are some tips from the experts for getting the urge back.

Put pen to paper. Think back to the best sex you’ve had and work out what it was that made it so special. Who was your partner? Where were you? What led up to the experience? What did he do to you that made it so great? What did you do to him? Write down as many details as possible, then do the same for your worst sexual experiences, including the ho-hum ones. Compare the lists and use them to make another: list the significant things that make sex good for you and those that make it bad. Put them in order of importance and you should have a good idea of what you like, and what you don’t. Regularly ask yourself: What would I like more of in bed? What would I like less of? What can I do to make it better?

More Please! Number of men who want more sex: 60 percent. Number of women who want more sex: 68.5 percent. The most sexually active age for men and women: between twenty-one and twenty-four.²

Start keeping a diary. Write down any sexy thoughts you have, any fantasies, how you felt when someone gave you a compliment. The aim is to remind yourself that you’re a sexual person and find out what’s stopping you from feeling sexy all the time. If you don’t think of anything at all even related to sex and nothing happens, write that down, too. “Would rather have my fingernails pulled” is better than nothing. For every negative thought, try to write a reason why (“Because I’m so tired”). Keep the diary for at least three months. Rereading it will provide valuable insights into what’s stopping those juices flowing.

Buy some erotic books. By that I mean whatever turns you on. It doesn’t matter if it’s Gardening by the Stars, if that causes a pleasant little ache down below, read it.

Start masturbating. Contrary to popular myth, masturbating while you’re living with someone doesn’t stop you from wanting “real” sex. The more you masturbate, the more your body gets used to having orgasms and starts craving sex on a regular basis.

Now involve your partner. The better sex is, the more you’ll want it. Both of you write down, being as specific as possible, what you do and don’t like about your sex lives. Things like: Are you getting enough foreplay; what would you like more of, do the techniques suit you; are you happy with when, where, how often you have sex; what would you prefer; ideas on bringing back the “newness.” Also include relationship issues: Are you generally happy, what’s upsetting you, what do and don’t you like about the relationship. Be as honest as you can be.

Talk about it. Don’t just hand over your lists—you’ll both end up huffy. Instead, flip a coin to decide who goes first. You won? Okay, now go through your list and explain, point by point, as clearly as possible what you mean. Get your partner to repeat back to you, in their own words, what they think you’ve just said. This way, there’s no room for misinterpretation. Then they get their turn and you summarize each of their points. When you’ve both said your piece, you can then move into thinking up ideas of how to overcome any of the issues thrown up.

Do something about it. Each of you write down five things you could do to make sex better for your partner based on what they’ve just told you. Schedule one day per week or two to do the things on the list (don’t try to do them all at once). Make one small change each time you have sex. After a while, the new behavior will become second nature.
Have sex even if the urge is tiny. The more you do it, the more you’ll want to. Stimulate yourself. Turn yourself on, don’t expect your partner to do it, and make time. If you’re that busy, have a quickie.
Recharge your sex organs with the Sets of Nine. This is a Taoist intercourse technique that “massages” the vagina and penis. Basically, he thrusts in a carefully sequenced order. 1. Only the head of the penis is inserted and withdrawn, nine times, then he thrusts the entire length in once. 2. Eight shallow strokes (penis head only), two deep strokes (with the entire length). 3. Seven of the shallow strokes, three deep ones. 4. Six shallow, four deep. 5. Five shallow, five deep. 6. Four shallow, six deep. 7. Three shallow, seven deep. 8. Two shallow, eight deep. 9. One shallow, nine deep.

If you’re the one who wants it more

Try masturbating every second time you feel like sex. It takes the pressure off both of you.
Make it very clear when you want sex and stop hassling if they say no. “Tim always wants sex,” says Sarah. “Every touch is sexual. Just once, I’d like him to touch me out of love and affection only.” “I touch Sarah all the time and try to be as loving as possible,” says Tim. “I make a real effort not to touch her only when I feel like sex, but it’s still not working.” Get the picture? If your partner’s constantly feeling hassled, make it very clear when you are stroking them in an attempt to turn them on so that other times they’ll interpret it as affection. Once they’ve said “no,” leave it alone. You’ll put them off even more if they feel harassed.
Make sex enjoyable. Know your partner and what turns them on. Ask them, talk it through, do whatever it takes to make sex fun and something they look forward to. The better lover you are, the more they’ll want to sleep with you. A massage works wonders for changing minds.

WHY SHOULD I HAVE SEX WITH HIM?

Here’s a fact: You can’t have a great sex life if your relationship isn’t good. If you’ve barely spoken all day, glared at each other over the (deliberately) burnt toast, or are constantly flinging nasty, petty comments at each other, it’s unlikely you’re going to turn into a sex kitten and Sensitive New Age Lover once you hop into bed. If you’re not relating out of bed, you won’t relate in it. This means (groan!) your sex life isn’t the only things you have to work at.

The more educated you are, the more likely you are to enjoy oral sex—and the less likely you are to want children. Fear of being interrupted perhaps?⁴

If the only time you touch each other sexually is under the blankets, I guarantee you’ll be bored silly—with sex and each other—within a year. Treat each other as desirable creatures all the time and you’ll be surprised how much you’ll want to act on it. Sex can’t provide the intimacy that’s missing elsewhere in your relationship.

Live life to the fullest. People who love sex, love life and that attitude is attractive to everyone, not least of all their partners. Develop lots of passions, be energetic, get excited about new things and new people—don’t just grab life with both hands, give it a big squeeze. Sexy is a state of mind. Hedonists are melt material.
Look sexy and keep fit. Having dinner with a woman who only orders an appetizer and mineral water isn’t fun. One who orders up big, eats with gusto, and appreciates a good wine is. The ability to let go, to stop counting calories is a turn-on—but not if you let go completely. Taking care of your appearance should be a priority. Yeah, yeah, I know it’s what’s inside that should count, but let’s drop the politics and be realistic. Beer bellies, baggy tracksuits, greasy hair, butts straining to escape from too-tight jeans—they’re not on my list of top turn-ons or yours. Exercise, eat well, get lots of sleep, and don’t hit the booze too heavily, too often. The better you look, the better you’ll feel about yourself, and the sexier you’ll be to your partner. You need energy to throw yourself around that bedroom.

Touch each other as much as possible. Do it all the time, in public, at home, always. “When I met Susan,” says my friend Kevin, “the first thing I noticed was that she touched everyone. She couldn’t help it. She hugged her best friend, smacked a huge kiss on her brother’s cheek, threw her arms around the dog. I spent the whole night wishing she’d touch me and when she did, I was lost. Even now, three years later, I can’t wait for her to make contact.”

Have confidence. Don’t get dragged into those, “Oh, everyone plays around sooner or later” conversations. Ditto, any discussion that starts with, “Of course, sex dies after a while …” Refuse to believe your lover would want anyone else when he’s already got you. Refuse to accept that sex isn’t as good long-term—put the effort in and it’ll get better and better and better and …

Respect each other. Be polite. Say “Thanks, that was great” for everything from a cup of coffee to a fabulous orgasm. Say “You look sensational. Thanks for going to so much effort” if she looks stunning when you go out. Take care of each other when you’re sick; listen to each other’s problems. Be nice.

Always fighting and think the relationship is doomed? Not true if you’re having good times, too. Stormy twosomes clock up more bad times than their passive peers, but they have more highs as well. Of 73 married couples studied, the happiest were those who maintained a 5:1 ratio of good to bad times.⁵

Live your own life. Spend too much time together, focus only on each other, and you’ll fast become bored—and boring. What are you going to talk about if you do everything as a twosome?
Fight fair. Argue about one issue at a time. If you find yourself saying, “And another thing …” stop. Ditto “This is so typical of you. It’s like the time when you …”

Boost each other’s egos. “Hi, handsome.” “Here she is—isn’t she gorgeous?” Silly little compliments feel good and reinforce those “cozy couple” feelings.

Throw away your copy of Mars and Venus. Forget all that men and women are aliens stuff and concentrate on the similarities. Men are taller, hairier, more oddly endowed versions of us. We’re softer, curvier versions of them. He cries, you cry. He needs love, affection, and sex; so do you. There are more points of similarity between the sexes than differences. Refuse to wage war. Make a deal to be more like each other. You’ll try to be more upfront sexually if they’ll promise to be more romantic.

Number of couples who say they’re very satisfied with their sex life: 58 percent.

Twenty-seven percent of couples say an unwilling partner is to blame for their dissatisfaction⁶

Let him be him, let her be her. Remember what first attracted you to them? Why are you trying to change it?

FIVE THINGS BOTH OF YOU SHOULD KNOW ABOUT SEX BY NOW

There’s been a trillion sex surveys done and certain themes emerge frequently. The sex lives of long-term couples who consistently rate theirs as “excellent” all share the following characteristics.

1. You both know your way around your own and your partner’s body. You know what you want in bed

It’s surprising how often people say, “I don’t like my sex life but don’t know what I need to make it better.” You have to know what you want in order to get it. You each should have read at least three good sex books, masturbate regularly, and be able to bring yourself to orgasm without too much effort. If you don’t know what your body requires to orgasm, how the hell is your partner expected to figure it out?

2. You talk about sex regularly to each other.

Imagine if your lover chose what books you read and what programs you watched. You’d be incensed, right? I mean, how could he possibly know what you feel he possibly know what you feel like at that exact moment without asking you? Most people have no problem agreeing with this statement. Apply the same logic to the bedroom, however, and they become quite indignant. Sex should be spontaneous, instinctual, something that “just happens.” Sex should all come naturally. Nice thought, Pity it doesn’t work like that in real life.

Married couples enjoy better health, have more money and more satisfying sex lives than their single friends. Agree with the first two but can’t quite believe the last? Psychologists say it’s because you know each other’s tastes better and can safely share your fantasies.⁷

Will someone please tell me why people say, “If you have to tell your lover what you want, it takes all the fun out of it”? Does cheesecake taste awful because we had to order it? Would it taste better if the waitress plunked it down in front of us because she got a telepathic signal that it’s what we wanted? I don’t think so. Lots of people expect their partners to be sexual mind readers. They think, “If he or she really loved me, they’d know exactly what to do in bed to make me happy.” They don’t. If there’s one thing you can do to instantly improve your sex life, it’s to talk to your lover about sex, as clearly and specifically as you can.

“I want you to kiss me more” isn’t enough. Spell out where, how hard, what sort of kissing, and when during sex you’d like it to happen: “When we have intercourse, I’d love you to kiss me hard on the mouth just before I orgasm.” Use phrases like “instead of” rather than “I don’t like it when” and don’t forget to say what you like as well as what you don’t. If you’re embarrassed, do whatever it takes to get over it. If you don’t open your mouth at some point, your sex life (and relationship) really is destined for failure.

3. You plan for good sex and put thought into it.

These are the words just about all couples dread because they think (a) it means the lust has gone, (b) they must be really unhappy sexually to go to such extremes, and (c) it sounds like hard work. Wipe all three thoughts from your head. Accept that it’s possible to put a little intellectual effort into your sex life without losing spontaneity.

Simmering is a technique that therapists often find quite successful. Every time you have an erotic thought during the day, write it down then use it as a jumping-off point. Develop a fantasy around the thought and tell your partner what it is and what you’d like to do with it before you see them. By the time you see each other, you’re “simmering” with desire. Writing “10 P.M. Saturday” and sticking it on the fridge won’t work. Simmering will. If you don’t actively try to vary your sex life, you’ll end up doing that fumbled first-thing-in the-morning bleary stuff all the time.

Women are not only better at expressing emotion than men, they’re better at knowing the emotions of others. Shown photos of people portraying different feelings, women far outscore men in guessing the correct emotion.⁸

Hello monotonous monogamy.

4. You make your own rules and have stopped worrying about what other people are doing in bed.

There are two types of sex: manufactured sex and real sex. Manufactured sex is the sex that’s dished up on TV, in erotic movies and books. Women orgasm after three good thrusts; men never, ever lose their erection from too many beers. Real sex isn’t like that. You are both individuals with your own sexual desires and preferences and your sex life isn’t going to be like Jake and Amanda’s on Melrose Place—or the couple next door. There are no universal rules about what people should enjoy in bed and what they shouldn’t. If she can only orgasm if you suck her right toe or he needs to wear a shower cap on his head, so what? Whatever makes both of you happy is fine. Don’t be afraid to be different from the norm.

“Paul and I have been together about twelve years but I have to say, sex lately has been better than ever. We went out to dinner recently and ended up reliving the best sex we’d had. By the time we got in the cab we were both drunk and went for it in the back. I spread my legs really wide and Paul slid his fingers in and out. It was extremely obvious what we were doing and I got off on the fact that the cab driver could see exactly what was going on. When we got out, he refused payment, said he’d ‘enjoyed the show.’ I slithered out, pushed Paul against the wall outside the elevator to his apartment, and gave him the best blow job he’d ever had, right there, in the fully lit foyer.”

Pamela, 36, armed forces

5. You’re not embarrassed to let loose.

If it’s your long-term lover, what have you got to be shy about? Be willing to experiment and take a few chances. Loosen up a little, laugh a lot, drop the inhibitions, and let your imagination run rampant.

FOREPLAY FOR FAMILIAR LOVERS (AND SOME GREAT IDEAS FOR JUST ABOUT ANYONE!)

Think back to when you met each other. The first few dates—particularly the ones before you’ve had intercourse—are one long, deliciously exciting foreplay session. Remember getting an erection by simply watching her walk across a room? Being told off by your friends for making out with him in hallways at parties? People chastising you for not being able to keep your hands off each other? This is what we’re aiming to recapture. Sadly, that initial sell-your-mother-to-get-it type of lust that characterizes new relationships disappears all too quickly and sex gets relegated to a certain timeslot and place.

Sometimes this is not only sensible but necessary. If you’ve just started a new job, the last thing you’re thinking about is whether the panties you put on that morning are sexy enough for him to peel off that night. If he’s struggling with family problems, chances are he’s not going to surprise you with a Chippendales-style strip before the 6 o’clock news. But the rest of the time—when you’re simply coping with the usual hiccups of routine, run-of-the-mill life—give sex the priority it deserves.

Memorize the next three sentences. Our most erogenous zone is the brain. The most erotic tool you have at your disposal is your imagination. The biggest turn-on of all is anticipation. Repeat them one more time. Learn how to combine the three and wham!, you’ve just raised your sex life from ho-hum to horny. Most of us think of foreplay as genital touching and oral sex. Wrong. Foreplay can start at 6 A.M., continue while you’re both at work, be drawn out through dinner, then, when you’re both begging to touch each other, the physical part starts.

Skeptical anyone actually does the things I’m suggesting? You’re absolutely right. Few people do—that’s why everyone’s madly doing everyone else behind each other’s backs. It’s easy to pick the couples who put effort into their sex lives. They are the two sixty-year-olds next door who hold hands when they’re out perusing the roses. That devilish gleam in their eyes isn’t put there from bingo. Ditto the couple you’ve always envied because sexual sparks seem to fly between them yet they’ve been together five years. Here’s how they do it… keep things fresh and imaginative. While you’re there, splurge on a racy, erotic novel. Find the good parts and read them to each other as a form of foreplay.

Combine romance with eroticism. You feel great when he sends you flowers, why not return the favor? If you think they aren’t quite his style, then try sending a bottle of expensive champagne, red wine, or scotch. Now turn that loving gesture into a sexy one. Enclose a note explaining in great detail exactly what he did to deserve such luxurious spoils. (No, not washing your car—the to-die-for oral sex he gave you last week. Got it?) Your postscript details what you’re aching for him to do to you that night!
Become a bookworm. Invest $100 in your love life by walking into any good bookstore and walking out with an armful of sex books. You’ve already bought this one, now branch out into areas that particularly tickle your fancy: Tantric sex, fantasies, how to have a dozen orgasms an hour. You don’t have to read them cover to cover, just dip inside once in a while to

For the confident. Use your vaginal juices as perfume. Yup, I’m not kidding. Slip your finger inside, then touch it around your throat, your breasts on your lips. He won’t know what it is but he won’t be able to keep his hands off you.
Have a bed picnic. Set up chilled wine and an ice bucket, foods you can eat with your fingers (fresh fruit, chocolates); have an erotic movie playing in the background on the bedroom VCR.
Get snap happy. Buy a Polaroid instant camera and take (flattering) shots of each other naked. Destroy the pics after you’ve had fun if either of you feel uncomfortable about having them around. Personally, I wouldn’t keep any of the explicit shots, no matter how much I loved and knew my partner.
Once isn’t always enough. There’s a lot of hype about women having more than one orgasm but he likes second helpings, too. Have sex in the morning on the weekend, then drag him back to bed an hour later.
Get wet. Water does wonderful things: it makes us weightless and flexible and ensures every part of both of you tastes and smells wonderful. While I wouldn’t recommend having intercourse in water (it dries up lubrication and forcing water up the vagina isn’t recommended), the bathtub, a spa, a swimming pool, or the sea are great places to start off.
Be her sex slave for a day. An especially good idea if you’re broke and her birthday is looming. All you need to do is offer to devote one entire day to pleasuring her. She gets to order you around unashamedly—and whether it’s serving her an erotic breakfast in bed, feeding her grapes and strawberries Roman-style, or spending the day dressed only in your Calvins, you’re not allowed to utter even a of complaint.

Love hurts: 44 percent of men and 41 percent of women like getting loves bites.¹⁰

Take a tip from The Story of o. The character in the novel is taught not to give all of herself each time she makes love. Use the same philosophy and instead of each sex session running the gauntlet from kissing to intercourse, concentrate on one activity at a time: kissing and fondling-only sessions (no tongues, no penises, just fingers), oral sex without intercourse, and intercourse without oral sex.
Flirt with each other—even if you’ve been together years! Experts say flirting sends natural amphetamines and endorphins surging through the body, stimulating an instant emotional “high” not unlike orgasm. Pretend you’ve just met him and act as you did at the beginning. Dress sexily, look him straight in the eye when he’s talking, twirl your hair around a finger. Be aware of your body when you move in front of him and chances are he’ll sit up and take notice, too.
Send sexy notes. The written word is extremely powerful. Plant notes everywhere (preferably not just before her mother comes to visit). In the fridge stuck to the juice, in her briefcase and makeup bag. Each one describes parts of her you find so-o-o sexy. The next time, make them ten things you’d love to do to her right that second.
Tease. You’ve got friends over for dinner? Shove him up against the fridge, cup his penis with your hand, and give him a huge kiss while he’s helping you in the kitchen. Chat innocently away to your guests while he hides out there, waiting for his erection to go down.
Go out without panties on. This is one steamy idea even the least courageous of females can pull off. All you need to do is dress up for an evening out—and forget to put on your panties. You can either tell him about it, or “accidentally” show him by crossing your legs Sharon Stone style.
Feeling a little bored at her next office get-together? Make things infinitely more interesting by feigning sickness, then 322 take her with you to the bathroom. Emerge later feeling much better, thank you.

“God knows what it was, but about three months ago, I went through a stage where all I could think about was sex. A lot of the time, I kept my mouth shut because we’d be over at lan’s mother’s house or something. Then I started telling him about it and it built the sexual tension wonderfully. I called him at work one day and told him I was masturbating and he canceled a meeting, drove home, and we had the best sex ever. It hasn’t been this good since the beginning.”

Helen, 32, mother

Be a voyeur. Madonna’s done it. So did Sabina in the erotic film The Unbearable Lightness of Being. We’re talking mirrors and using them as sex props. Madonna and Sabina crawled and masturbated above mirrors laid flat on the floor. If yours is on the closet door, it’s pretty difficult to follow their lead. Instead, try making love in front of any available mirror in the house (angled so you can see her rather than vice versa if she’s shy).
Be his mistress. If he’s going to have an affair, make sure it’s with you. Arrange to meet him at lunchtime in the bar of a plain but presentable hotel. Book a room, buy a bottle of champagne, and have forbidden, illicit, wild sex.
Get into the mood beforehand. Masturbate several times during the day while you think about what the two of you will do that night—preferably telling her exactly what you’re doing over the phone as you’re doing it. Stop short of an orgasm, unless you’re a premature ejaculator. If you are, masturbate an hour before you have sex—you’ll last longer.
Remember kissing? It’s what you used to do when you first met. Many couples find that kissing stops once the relationship gets going or dwindles to a quick prelude before getting down to business. A long, passionate kiss can do more to turn both of you on than putting your hands straight down the front of his trousers. It’s more intimate than intercourse (which is why many prostitutes won’t do it).
Have intercourse with your clothes on. Feel each other through your clothing, put your leg in between her thighs and let her gyrate against it.

Be pushy. Bearing down with your vaginal muscles during intercourse seems to trigger orgasm for many women.

Keep your eyes open. Watch what’s going on when you have sex, look into their face, watch your genitals moving in and out. Stimulate the sense of sight, not just touch.

Be unpredictable. Let’s face it—you’re not going to widen his eyes with astonishment if you suggest having sex on a Saturday night as you both climb into bed. But you will catch him unawares if you cuddle him from behind when he’s washing the car, washing up, or reading a book. Start fondling him, bring him to the brink of orgasm, then refuse to follow through until later.

Bare all. For a truly original Valentine’s Day gift, shave your pubic hair into the shape of a heart or shave it off completely. The sight of your totally exposed genitals will make him jump to attention!

Turn her on in the most inappropriate places. This is a tricky one. Done at the right time, it works fantastically, but it does have a tendency to backfire. Many sex books advise you whisper suggestive somethings into her ear while you’re out to dinner with her boss, for instance. Sounds fabulously erotic but, in practice her boss is likely to think you’re horribly rude, or that they have got something stuck between their teeth and you’re making fun of them. Ditto the calling him at work bit. You want to get him hot and bothered but not so flustered he ends up blowing the deal of the century. By all means try it—just check out the situation before you launch into your spiel.

Great Timing…When’s the best time to have sex? In the morning. His testosterone levels peak around 9 A.M. and if you’ve been together a while, your cycle probably echoes his. An orgasm? Midway through your menstrual cycle. You’re twice as likely to orgasm because your nerve endings are at their most sensitive.

Be anonymous. Remember those silly masks you bought for the dress-up affair you both went to? Dig them out, put them on, laugh yourself stupid for five minutes, then have sex. Let your fantasies run wild and pretend you don’t know each other.
Try Tantric. It’s the trendy thing to do. Basically, it’s all about heightening and prolonging sexual arousal. To the newcomer, the most obvious thing about Tantric sex is that things progress very slowly (you’ll do nothing but stroke each other for hours); often, it ends with neither of you having an orgasm. Sounds awful? I’m with you but couples who fully explore Tantric or the Kama Sutra swear the results are nothing short of spectacular.
Wake her up with the ultimate greeting—licking her vagina. Do the same for him by licking his penis.
Make the move. If your partner is always the one to initiate sex, the message you’re sending is this: I do it to please you, not because I want to. This leaves both of you feeling cheated. The person who initiates sex feels sexier because they’re taking control and giving themselves power. Surely you’ve A watched enough movies by now to know that power’s one of the biggest sexual turn-ons there is? Be the boss by suggesting sex and taking the lead role during lovemaking as well. Let them lie back while you do all the work.

What would you rather have in your emphasis?
Great sex and an okay job: 59 percent
Okay sex and a great job: 29 percent
Awful sex and fame: 8 percent
No sex and rule the world(!): 4 percent ¹¹

Lie a little. He’s away on business? The next time he calls you late at night, skip the what-did-you-do-today stuff and tell him, in intimate detail, what you’re wearing. No, not the truth—that Snoopy T-shirt and thick white socks are silky, black undies and a camisole. Move on to what you’re going to do to him the minute you get your hands on him. The juicier and more explicit the better.

Slide around on satin sheets. So kitsch they’re almost fashionable, you can’t help but feel sensual with satin against bare skin. Great sex comes from indulging all the senses and satin sheets are one of a million ways to do it. Appeal to and vary one sense each time you make love and you’ll never be bored again. Use music to stimulate his sense of hearing; talk to her while you’re having sex, give a blow-by-blow description of how she’s making you feel. Ignite his sense of smell by burning oils, wearing perfume, or letting him enjoy the naturally sweet scent your body emits when you’re aroused. Touch is stimulated by different textures: use your hair, feathers, and scarves as well as fingertips. Use food, champagne, and all of your body parts to excite his taste buds.

Plan a dirty weekend. More than one lackluster sex life has been saved by a spicy weekend bounding about on a king-size bed. Book the best hotel you can afford, pick her up from work on Friday night, and disappear into the sunset for a weekend she won’t forget in a hurry.

Dress for success. He adores red lipstick, black stockings, and high heels? You’ve got no excuse—any little black number can be spiced up with these elements. Make a night of it by playing the vamp, playing with your hair, playing with him under the table. She melts when you walk around the house in nothing but a pair of blue jeans, top button of the fly temptingly undone? Unless it’s below freezing temperatures, indulge her on weekends.

Make a pact to try one new thing every two weeks. If you’re too shy to launch into my other suggestions, start off simple. Take a bath together, give each other a foot massage, take off her top or his shirt without using your hands. Once you feel more comfortable, you can move into things like making love to them with their hands tied behind their back and (the real biggie) masturbating in front of each other. Get him to lick your fingers while you’re masturbating yourself—you’ll feel less embarrassed and both of you will find it a turn-on.

“I’ve been married nine years but I could watch Sally undress for bed a million times and never be bored. She’s always so distracted, she doesn’t notice me watching but I love her breasts and the way she always fluffs her hair up and pouts in the mirror when she’s naked … even if the only thing she’s craving is sleep.”

Calvin, 43, architect

Turn undressing for bed into an art form. It doesn’t matter what you’re wearing, it’s how you take it off that counts. Unbutton tops slowly, stretch luxuriously as you pull that sweater over your head, put one leg up on the bed as you roll down your pantyhose. When you’re naked, admire yourself for a minute in the mirror, running your hands over your breasts and hips. Not only will it keep him focused on your body and remove the familiarity of seeing you naked, it helps create a positive body image.

What do most women do right after sex?
43 percent take a shower
20 percent brush their teeth
30 percent roll over and go to sleep
7 percent smoke a cigarette ¹²

Suck each of his fingers as though it were a small penis. Circle your tongue lazily around her palm to simulate oral sex.
Learn to love oral sex. Don’t just do it to please him or her, revel in it. Crave it, concentrate, make noises to show you’re enjoying it as much as they are. Switch from intercourse to oral and back again for sensational contrasts.
If you’re excited, show it. The biggest turn-on of all is seeing how much you’re exciting your partner. If he’s driving you wild, show him—better still, say so.

Enough already! In the midst of all this lust, it’s worth pointing out that no one can be a sexual dynamo all the time. If you don’t feel like having sex, say so, and let him do the same. That way, it’s guilt-free on both sides and it will save either of you from putting on lukewarm performances.

SUGGESTIONS FROM THE SEXPERTS

Here, a sex therapist, relationship counselor, sex worker, erotica expert, and real people with really good sex lives share their secrets for keeping sex lusty long-term.

Dr. Janet Hall

Australian sex therapist, relationships counselor, author, and public speaker on sexuality, Dr. Janet Hall says:

Put a magnet on the fridge that each of you moves to show how horny you’re feeling. If it’s high it means “You’re in luck;” if it’s low, it means “Don’t bother asking.” This takes away the anxiety of “Does he/she want it or don’t they?” Both of you have the right to move the magnet around—or have two!
Use a dirty weekend as a reward for something—one of you gets a pay raise, you’ve finished redecorating the house, etc. If a sexy weekend often follows a success or celebration, you’ll condition yourself to enjoy them more because they’re always associated with good times.
Record your favorite fantasies and use the tapes as part of your sex warm-up. Have it playing as you sit down for dinner, slip one into her car tape deck and press play as you kiss her good-bye for work.
Make a list of your current, favorite sex things (position, toy, lubricant, fantasy) and stick it on the bedroom mirror. Both do it and constantly update for surprise and variety.
Schedule kissing sessions once a week. Take turns being the leader and the follower.

Amanda Dwyer

Owner/operator of Salon Kitty’s in Sydney, Australia, which specializes in fulfilling fantasies and fetishes, Amanda says:

You both have to be committed to the relationship. One-sided commitment isn’t enough. You also have to trust each other. If you’re suspicious, you’ll always find something to doubt.

Be honest about your sex life and never fake it. Tell the truth but use tact and sensitivity.

Don’t discuss former lovers in bed. If you must, do it some place else.

Always practice safe sex until you’re absolutely positive your lover is only involved with you.

Look after your personal hygiene. Use deodorant, a mouthwash, and shower regularly. Don’t clutter the bedroom or other places you make love in with smelly old gym shoes and clothes thrown all over the floor.

Jake Kubic

Jake is twenty-six and has been in a lusty, loving relationship for two years. He says:
Keep each other on your toes and don’t ever assume they’ll never leave you. Recognize that you’re both attractive to other people.
Have common interests outside the bedroom. Do things together, not just shopping, going out to dinner, etc.
Put some thought into your sex life. Think, “What can I do tonight to make it different?”
Keep having sex even if you don’t feel like it. It’s a bit like exercise. Once you break the habit, it all becomes too hard.

Grant Brecht

Australian psychologist and relationships expert, author and media personality, Grant Brecht says:

There’s no such thing as too tired for sex. Have it before you get too tired or turn yourself on mentally and have a lazy session. You don’t always have to be swinging off chandeliers.
Keep up the romance. In the beginning, couples are always planning picnics, dinners out, days in bed—keep them going throughout the relationship.
Ask, continually, what turns your partner on and off. Communication is so important—it’s common sense to talk about sex but lots of people don’t. Let your partner know you enjoy and value the lusty part of your intimacy. Don’t just say, “I love you,” say, “I think you’re sexy.”
Look after the whole of the relationship. Make sure you’ve got a good balance in your life between work, play, time together, time alone.
Tune in to the things you find sexy about your partner and use those thoughts and perceptions to turn yourself on when they’re not around.

Di Palmer

Manager of Club Femme (Sydney), the biggest chain of women’s erotica stores in Australia, Di Palmer says:

Think erotically. Sensuality is learned. Constantly tell yourself, “I am sexually powerful and I love it, I am sensual and I love it.” Don’t give that power away to anyone, not even your partner. If your relationship isn’t loving, caring, and trusting, ask yourself, What the hell am I doing in it?
Be open-minded. Be prepared to experiment: what was a turn-off with your last partner might be a real turn-on with this one.
Pull out all the stops and props when you really want to seduce each other. Light candles (they’re flattering and great if you’re body-conscious), wear lingerie or underwear that makes you feel as well as look sexy, experiment with body oils, try out some sex aids, play sexy music, watch an erotic video.
Take him on a sex tour to find out what really turns men on. Go to a live peep show together, a strip show, or a club that has table-dancing. See how the female sex workers revel in their sexuality, unashamedly exposing their genitals. Learn from them. Men want to see your genitals spread: if you can reach that stage and be totally unembarrassed, he’ll adore you.
Wear duo-balls (balls you insert inside the vagina) while you’re out to dinner. Tell him you’ve got them in; if the tablecloth’s long enough for privacy, he can reach over and tug the string.

Cheryl Nobel

Cheryl, sixty-eight, is retired and has enjoyed a happy sex life for fifty-one years with her husband. She says:

Look after your health. You need energy to enjoy good sex.

Keep the memories strong. Look at old photos together, reminisce about the great sex you had in the past. Pinpoint what made those times special and try to re-create them.

Splurge on sexy nightclothes. Whatever you wear to bed should be flattering.

Stay young mentally. Be open to your partner’s desires, find out what pleases them, then do it.

Don’t be unfaithful. If you find someone else attractive, weigh up what you’ll lose and what you’ll gain. As you get older, the devil you know is a safer bet than the devil you don’t.

Don’t get upset if you’re not having regular sex. If it’s only twice a month, fine. Go for quality not quantity by making that one night really special. Have dinner outside, dress up, make a wonderful meal, and make sex outside the dessert.

GOOD VIBRATIONS: SEX TOYS TRIED AND TESTED

Will sex aids send you to heaven or the nearest hospital? Are they a waste of time and money or a wickedly easy way to electrify your sex life? If the question is “Why use sex aids?” the answer has to be “Why not?” After all, they’ve been around for the last 2500 years and show no signs of disappearing! The ancient Egyptians used dildos, the Romans made candles in the shape of (rather enormous) penises, and the ancient Chinese invented the first cock ring by binding the base of the penis with silk. According to the erotica shops I canvassed, sex aids, particularly female sex toys, are selling as fast as Big Macs. While they’ll never replace the real thing, say the managers, they put people in control of their own sexuality.

Today’s toys are much more than playthings. The humble vibrator can be a lifeline for women who’ve had problems having an orgasm and many of the new aids are designed to improve vaginal muscle control. For every woman who squeals in horror at the mere mention of a sex toy, there’s another who won’t leave home without hers. Join the club. Don’t just have a laugh during girls’ night out, buy some of those strap-on dildos and balls that rattle noisily around inside. Men have more than a passing fascination with any type of sex toy, and the thought of your being even remotely interested in trying one will get him very excited.

Rather than waste valuable dollars on an expensive aid, buy a few cheaper items to start with. A lot of the time, it’s the novelty factor that appeals. If you enjoy these, then it’s worth making a larger investment. Don’t know where to start? Take a tip from the people who bravely volunteered (well, were bribed) to tell all about their trip to toyland …

STA HARD Desensitising Spray

Cost: $12.50 (bought from a sex shop)

What is it? A spray-on potion designed to prolong his erection.

Tester: Peter, 32.

Satisfaction guaranteed? “A friend recommended it, so I thought I’d give it a try. I put a bit on the end of my penis and massaged it in but it did nothing the first time. The second time, I slathered it on and felt a weird tingling sensation but that time it did work. I stayed harder for longer. No complaints.”

His rating: 7/10

Fun Tongue

Cost: $110 (bought from a women’s erotica shop)

What is it? A bizarre, cylindrical contraption with a tongue protruding from one end. It’s designed to simulate oral sex and devotees swear it’s as good as the real thing—if you can stop laughing for long enough to take it seriously. Insert lubricant into a special compartment and set the (washable) tongue on one of five settings. It licks up and down, side to side, or moves in and out.

Tester: Susie, 40.

Satisfaction guaranteed? “I saw it in the window of a sex shop and thought, ‘I’ve got to have it.’ I tried it on my hand and it felt sensational. The first time, I put on some crotchless panties, dimmed the lights, and watched in a mirror, but it looked so ridiculous, I couldn’t stop laughing. From then on, I closed my eyes. It’s wild! It feels and licks like the real thing but it doesn’t look the best. A friend of mine said he’d shoot it if he saw one lying on the side of the road.”

Her rating: 9/10

Push Pearl Vibrator

Cost: $56.00 (bought through mail order)

What is it? It’s one of Australia’s most popular vibrators, with “pearls” in the shaft that rotate in dizzy circles and a clitoral stimulator that also vibrates.

Tester: Marie, 31.

Satisfaction guaranteed? “I saw a show on vibrators on TV and thought the clitoral attachment thing would make me orgasm more often. I tried it inside and the rotating beads felt quite amazing but even though the clitoral stimulator was buzzing like crazy, nothing happened. Then I used it outside, pressed it against my clitoris and wow! The only problem is it makes orgasm so easy, you forget how to have one any other way.”

Her rating: 9/10

Pink Pleasure Balls

Cost: $11.50 (bought from a sex shop)

What is it? Commonly known as duo balls, they’re soft, prickly latex covered metal balls (the size of a golf ball), joined by a string. (Picture a kinky version of Click-Clacks that kids play with.) Inserted into the vagina they move around, supposedly making you feel sexy. Manufacturers also claim they help with muscle control.

Tester: Catherine, 23.

Satisfaction guaranteed? “They were a present and I unwrapped them in front of my mother—I almost killed the friend who gave them to me, but thought, ‘Hey, I’ll give it a try’ I slathered them with lubricant and inserted the first one, waited a bit, then put the second one in as well. A ‘tampon’ string hangs down to get them out again. I felt full up, like I was walking around with a big penis inside. I couldn’t walk naturally and took them out after about three minutes. Boring!”

Her rating: 3/10

Fur Play

Cost: $92 (bought from a women’s erotica shop)

What is it? Designed for slaves to fashion as well as light bondage, the fur-trimmed tie-me-up kit ensures you’ll look trendy even when strapped to the bedposts.

Testers: Simon, 24, and Linda, 29.

Her satisfaction guaranteed? “Simon had been begging for ages to tie me up so I bought him the kit for his birthday. Boy, was he impressed! It’s really easy to use, feels soft and comfortable and we both found it a hell of a turn-on. It’s our favorite (if only) sex toy.”

His satisfaction guaranteed? “The best present I’ve ever had.”

His‘n’her rating: 10/10

Double Dong Harness

Cost: $29.95 (bought from a sex shop)

What is it? It’s a double “dong” or dildo on a white leather harness. The wearer penetrates herself, then uses the other dildo to penetrate her boyfriend anally or, if she’s a lesbian, her girlfriend either anally or vaginally.

Testers: Nathan, 36, and Rachel, 24.

Her satisfaction guaranteed? “Nathan bought it—I hid around the corner. It didn’t really appeal to me at all. He wanted to give it a go first and when he strapped it on I had to fight the urge to say “Ride ’em cowboy!” He used one dildo on me vaginally and it felt all rubbery and pinched a bit at first. But I got quite a kick out of penetrating myself and using it anally on him because I could experience what it’s like to penetrate someone.” His satisfaction guaranteed? “Rachel wasn’t into it that much and I was disappointed. But I think she got a kick out of playing ‘the man.’ Used with tons of lubricant, I quite enjoyed having it up my butt. Without lubricant, it hurts like hell.”

Her rating: 2/10 on her; 9/10 using it on him.

His rating: 8/10

PORNOGRAPHY: WHY IT’S WORTH ANOTHER LOOK

Alex Comfort (in the infamous sex bible The Joy of Sex) says pornography is “the name given to any sexual literature somebody is trying to suppress.” He goes on to say that “most normal people enjoy looking at sex books and reading sex fantasies—which is why abnormal people have to spend so much time and money attempting to suppress them.”¹³ I’m inclined to agree with him. I strongly believe that your standard porn mag and video (those not involving torture, violence, or children) should be available to the public. If you don’t like them, don’t buy or rent them. But you’d be surprised how many people—women included—do.

After numerous bizarre tests, which involved wiring people’s genitals to machines, scientists have officially declared that women get as turned-on as men by reading or watching sexually explicit material. Gosh, we’re amazed! The dispute has never really been that uninhibited, liberated women aren’t turned-on by watching or reading sexy things. It’s just that we’re not really into that hardcore stuff. X-rated films are often dull, repetitive, and so unbelievable, we feel like laughing not screwing. Or they’re so explicit, disturbing, and in-your-face, we feel like throwing up. But even if you have suffered through one of his flicks and vowed never to watch one again, here’s some good news. Turn off your preconceptions and turn on that VCR because pornography has finally given birth to erotica—a much subtler, softer style of erotic material, often targeted specifically at women.

If he wants to watch an X-rated video, say yes, but you pick it. Select one made by women for women (they promote it heavily on the back—try any of the Candida Royalle range) and you won’t be forced to watch degrading scenes or silly performances by perfectly formed females who orgasm just by looking at an erect penis. If you really don’t feel comfortable or have extreme moral objections even to this new range, at least give an R-rated movie a try. Pick up an old classic (like The Postman Always Kings Twice) or opt for a film like Damage, The Unbearable Lightness of Being, or 9 1/2 Weeks as a compromise. For those who do want to use erotica and pornography as an adjunct to sex, keep the following points in mind.

Do:

Try a few before dismissing adult films, magazines, or books totally. Take turns picking one and approve the decision with your partner. If you like one and they don’t, watch it alone.
Have it playing in the background. Often, they’re too boring to watch all the way through, but looking up at the “good parts” can be fun.
Laugh. And don’t take them seriously. It’s not real sex and there’s lots of misinformation in them (like women don’t need foreplay and enjoy penetration above all else).

Don’t:

Think it means your partner’s not happy with you. It’s just for fun, a way to spice things up, that’s all.

Feel guilty for feeling turned-on. It doesn’t mean you’re perverted, dirty, or sick; it means you’re human.

Force people to watch it if it does nothing for them or they’re morally opposed. They’re not a prude for not wanting to, and they’re entitled to dislike it.

Stop your partner indulging if you don’t like pornography and they do. Just tell them you’d rather they watched/read it alone and kept it out of your sight. Unless it’s extremely disturbing stuff (violent, a snuff film, or involving children, for instance), it’s his or her business, not yours.

Rely on pornography to turn you on. If the VCR is on every time you have sex, you’re getting lazy.

THE TOP FIVE QUALITIES MEN LOOK FOR IN A SEX PARTNER

Personality
Beauty
Brains
Humor
Good body

THE TOP FIVE QUALITIES WOMEN LOOK FOR IN A SEX PARTNER

Personality
Humor
Sensitivity
Brains
Good body