Maybe, if I did not
try so hard
panic so often
flinch so easily
enjoy the attention from the married men
fuck the man with the girlfriend every time
he calls
like the God-feeling of that balloon boy’s
heart under my heel
insist on standing up for myself
choose my work over them
need so much alone time
leave the church
give it up on the first date
make them wait so long
cry in front of them
look so mean
tell them I need them
need them
ignore the red flags
search for the red flags in silence
try to save them despite my own undertow
compare this one to the last one
compromise so little
compromise so much
take them at their word
give them mine
show off the scars
miss the bus
try to convince myself it is not real
stay when I could still leave
know my worth
talk so loud
have so many feelings
want it so badly
keep looking for it
expect it—
everyone keeps saying it happens when you least do