HOROSCOPE FOR THE PREMATURE SCORPIO: MARCH 2013

That Libra is your Diego Rivera.

When you can hear your ex fucking the next-door neighbor thru your shared bedroom wall, find a new lover and fuck louder. If a dance partner is not readily available without settling (as you are no longer permitted to settle), buy a new vibrator and make him jealous of you and you alone. Permit yourself to make the sounds he could never elicit from you. Make him jealous of the way he cannot feel whole without you the way you can feel whole without him. The way you can wear empty hands like a new trend that he simply cannot pull off. Stop mourning. He will never be over you. He will be ungrateful and distracted but he will never have it so good. Karma, it’s petty that way. You love him as you have always loved him but you will die first and cannot wait for him to catch up. If he misses the rendezvous point, you go on without him.

Lucky numbers: his birthday, his new lover’s birthday and the next full moon.