Greetings <Enter Applicable Ex’s Name Here>
You are receiving this letter because at one point in time you dated one, Rachel C Wiley. She may or may not have told you she loved you. You may or may not have broken her heart. Regardless she at one point thought you were “the one” and the whole thing probably ended very badly.
It has come to our attention that after an accident in a lab there has been a recent outbreak of former Rachels. Writhing up thru the ground after 17 years like a swarm of fresh cicadas, covered in the dirt of heartbreaks long passed. There is a chance that one or more of these Rachels
might still think you are “the one.”
There is a chance that she thinks she can
“fix things” between you.
There is a chance she is on her way to you right now. Perhaps one has already appeared to you, in her prom dress on your parents’ lawn, or waving an outdated cellphone full of thirty-five-cent-apiece text
message love proclamations,
or stuffing small cardboard Valentine’s Day cards into a shoebox she attached to your desk at your place of employment.
Things are going to get awkward.
Should you encounter one of these shell-skinned Rachels we ask that you contact us immediately with her current whereabouts. You may approach the Rachel to try to keep her in one place but try to avoid
eye contact as these former Rachels
do take this as a sign of affection.
In the event that you have already re-rejected a Rachel and she is standing in front of your home scream singing I Have Nothing by the late great Whitney Houston* and holding up photoshopped renderings of what your children might have looked like please advise your lovely wife and children to stay indoors. The heartbroken Rachel can be lured into a shed or garage with a jar of Trader Joe’s Cocoa Swirl Cookie Butter.
Once inside you may barricade the door and contact us for removal. If your Rachel is from the early 2000s she may be soothed into an angsty vegetative state with any Fiona Apple album and a box of wine.
Finally, we cannot stress enough that the women before you do not represent the current state of Rachel C Wiley’s heart. The real-time Rachel C Wiley is, in fact, long over you.**
Kindest Regards,
The International Bureau of Unresolved Feelings
*Footnote 1: The Rachel duplicate is likely unaware of the death of Whitney Houston. Please refrain from adding this crushing blow to the bad news that you do not love her, it might be more than she can take.
**Footnote 2: Though if you are still by chance single she might be interested in seeing if any of those old feelings still exist, perhaps over dinner.