I want to scream. Shout. Scratch at my skin. I'm not sure it's painful, but there's something...itchy about it.
Faces pass my thoughts too. Ones I haven't thought about in years. They bring the guilt with them.
I'm sorry, I think at them as they pass. But none of them say anything back. I shouldn't have asked Bryce to change me. I should have passed on from the world. I've brought so much pain and suffering to people, and all to save my own skin. I can say all I want to about being forced into it, but I made the decision. I drove knives into throats.
Worse, I let Ravi have his way.
Thinking his name triggers something, and my thoughts begin to blur.
Oh no. A vision? Is that possible while I'm half-dying? I'm not so sure. I can have them while sleeping, so I suppose it makes sense that I can now.
Rain pounds on the pavement, and I glance around, but it's hard to see anything through the gloom. I don't think I'm here. Or that I will be here. This is one of the visions where I'm seeing something that isn't happening to me. They've happened before. Like the first one I ever had of Ravi. He was torturing someone that looked like me.
A sickness washes over me. Maybe it was me after all. I always assumed it wasn't because he only ever did that to vampires. He seemed to understand what I was seeing though, as after that, he'd said that was coming to me if I ever turned against him, or told the guild what he did to the vampires he caught. In hindsight, I don't doubt they already knew. They knew everything, though I never did figure out how.
A door slams behind me in the vision. I turn so I can see it.
A man steps out of the building to my left, and a figure emerges. I gasp. I'd know that walk anywhere. I don't even need to see his face to know for sure.
The vision fades out before I can see anything else, but the panic is already starting to sink in. I need to wake up. Now. I have to tell Ashryn what I've seen. I don't know exactly where they're keeping Ravi, but I do know he's supposed to be secure and locked away. Unlike most of the hunters, I doubt he'll integrate with vampire society. If anything, his imprisonment will only spur him and make him kill more ruthlessly.
Wake up, wake up, wake up.
Unsurprisingly, nothing happens. I don't think I'm prepared for this part of vampirism. The guild never told us how vampires are made. I suspect they didn't want any of us finding out how easy it could be.
Or maybe they didn't know.
Unlikely. I find it much more likely that they were keeping things from us. It was their way of maintaining control. The less we knew about vampires, the less human they are, and the easier they are to kill.
Pain lances through me again, but this time it's emotional.
Bryce's face swims in front of me. What if someone had been sent to kill him? What if I'd never met him? It hardly matters that I know he was still in the City Of Blood when the guild fell, he'd have been safe from anyone like me. But that's not the point.
I slip off into a semi-dream state where Bryce is killed in front of me over and over. The only saving grace is that my dreams aren't cruel enough to put the knife in my hand, but almost every other hunter I know does, including Ravi.
What will he do if he finds out about me? About Bryce? Ravi's cruelty was renowned through the guild. If he finds us, he'll probably torture Bryce in front of me before he kills us both. Except, he'll do worse than that to me, I've seen it happen too many times to have any doubts.
Wake up, Lily. If I keep wishing it, perhaps it'll happen.
After a while, I'm dimly aware of someone stroking the hair away from my forehead. Is it Bryce? I hope so. And that it's nearly the end of the transformation. I can't deal with the itchiness any longer.
"I'm here, Lily. I'm not sure if you can hear me yet, but if you can, then know this is nearly over," he reassures me.
Contentment floods through me. Has he been talking to me the entire time in an attempt to reassure me? I'll have to make sure I thank him for it once I'm awake. I can't imagine what it must be like if someone has to wake up on their own.
"You're due to wake up in a couple of hours," he continues. "But it's different for everyone. I've already talked to Dimitri again. He knows what's happening. You can stay here at Grimalkin once you've turned. But you won't need me any more." He scoffs, though I'm not sure if it's in amusement or disappointment.
If I could speak, I'd point out I'll need him more than ever now. I doubt Emma is the only one with a personal vendetta against me, and as rumours of my former employment gets around, then I'm going to be the target even more than before.
I suppose none of that is going to change whether or not Bryce gets to stay with me. I'm his punishment as much as he is mine. People far more important than the two of us are going to be the ones deciding our fates. I try not to let that rub me up the wrong way.
I want to be my own person, and for the first time in my life, I have the chance to be. I don't want to waste it.
What's being a vampire going to be like? I'm never going to see the sun again, but I guess that hasn't actually affected me much in the past few weeks anyway. I don't come into regular contact with Holy Water either, so that's not going to burn me.
My mind shudders at the thought of the scars on Ashryn's body. She tries her best to cover them, but I've still seen. That's what Holy Water does to vampires. At least it didn't kill her. As far as I know, the blade used to cut her was dipped in the stuff. Ravi's handiwork, and something I may have waiting for me in my future.
No. It's not possible. Even if his escape is an almost certainty thanks to my vision, he won't easily be able to get hold of Holy Water, I don't think. When the guild exploded, it probably took the whole supply we had with it. I'm sure there's more in the world, but I wouldn't know where to get it.
"Lily?" Bryce says again, then sighs. "I thought I saw your eyes opening, sorry."
I hear him slump back into his seat next to my bed. Or what I assume is my bed. I'm not sure why he'd take me anywhere else. This is a safe place that is locked by magic during the day. It would be foolish to have taken me anywhere else.
Wake up, I try again. One of these times, I'm going to have to listen to myself, right? I'm not dead, which means there's still a part of me trying to break through the haze of vampirism.
It doesn't take long for everything to fade away. My thoughts, dreams, even the vision of Ravi is turning into dust in my mind.
I have to remember that, though. I have to tell Bryce about Ravi. We need to prepare for him getting free. Even that slips away from me.
I hope I'll remember when I wake up.