“Soooo?” My brother’s teasing sing-song sounded just like he was ten years old again. “She seems to liiiiike you.”
“Shut it, Cole.”
“And you’re slightly less impossible to be around.”
“Shut it, Cole.”
“So that must mean you liiiiiike her too.”
“Maybe more than you like Autumn,” I snapped.
His mouth actually fell open. I’d never seen my smartass brother at a loss for words before. “Damn,” he mouthed. He cleared his throat then clapped his hand down on my shoulder and sort of jostled me from side to side in lieu of a hug. “That’s intense man. I’m… I’m happy for you.”
“I’m trying.” I looked down. “I keep finding reasons why it can’t actually be real, though. I’m not used to things… being good.”
Cole fell silent for a moment. Always thinking out several steps ahead of me, he cut right to the chase. “She’s got some serious baggage, I’m guessing?”
I clenched and unclenched my fists. “Leaving her alone like that physically hurt.”
“She’s a big girl, she can handle it.”
“I know. But.. I’d feel better if I was keeping watch somehow. I feel like I should.”
“You’re her guard dog or something?”
“Self-appointed.” I shifted in my seat. “Her ex was a piece of shit, Cole.”
“How shitty we talking?”
I wasn’t sure how much Aria wanted me sharing. “Shitty enough that if I ever come face-to-face with him, I’m going to wind up in jail for murder.”
“That’s… shitty.” He paused a moment. “Is he after her or something?”
“I don’t know. But I worry about her being alone. Even though she’s with her parents, she’s still not… with me.”
“She’s staying here, right?”
“She says she is.”
“Well then, you can’t be at her side all the time, right? How would that work? She’s trying to do her bra shopping or whatever and here you are lurking in the lingerie shop like a creep?”
“She can get her bras online,” I grumbled. But I could see what he was saying.
“If you prevent her from going out and living her new life, how is that real love?”
I stiffened.
“Oh!” Cole chuckled. “You’re not using the L word yet?”
I rolled it around in my head, then worked my tongue around my mouth. Like I was testing it, tasting it. “I might start,” I confessed.
Cole whistled softly. “So okay, I’m definitely going to go home and breathe into a paper bag after hearing you say that. But putting that aside for a second….”
“Why do I even talk to you?” I asked the sky.
Cole ignored me. “Back to your, ‘I don’t like leaving her alone’ thing. Of course you can’t actually make that workable. But, maybe, if she does need to run out to go bra shopping, you could meet her for coffee after?”
“Huh?”
“Come down to town with her, Derek.” He pulled up to a stop light and turned to face me. “Be a part of things again. For her. With her.”
My hands wanted to tremble. I shoved them under my thighs the way I’d seen Aria do, and was surprised that it actually worked. I felt steadier. “For her,” I repeated.
“Tell you what.” The light turned green and he turned back the road. “Start small. Come over to dinner. I finally got the permits straightened out, so I can finally show you what I’m actually doing down at the marina. Then we can all go to dinner. The four of us. Sound good?”
“That… actually does.”
Cole shot me another smug look. “Damn. Love makes you one-hundred and fifty percent more bearable to be around. Next time I see Aria, I’m going to have to thank her.”
“Yeah, yeah. Don’t get used to it,” I grumbled, then lapsed into a fake-offended silence.
But I was really worrying about Aria.
Her bravery took me aback. Chastened me. I wanted to measure up to her. Which is why I needed Cole to stop prying into my love life and make one more stop.
“Turn here,” I instructed.
Cole snorted. “I love how much you’re appreciating my skill with a plow. Where am I heading now?”
I stood in front of the small, ranch-style house, as the sound of Cole’s pick up receded into the distance. Jesse and his family lived out on the south end of town, one of the few neighborhood houses before the highway opened up. It was a small, one-story place, with an addition on the back, and a wheelchair ramp up the side. I swallowed when I thought about what that ramp meant and why it was there.
Then I got to work.
Down here in the valley, the storm had dumped about eighteen inches of heavy, wet stuff. Clearing it from Jesse's driveway was backbreaking work, and for a second I thought about calling Cole back.
But that wasn't why I was here.
As I cleared it, one shovelful of the time, I cleared away the guilt. Lifting the wet slop was a form of atonement, digging myself on out from under the mass of guilt and remorse that had weighed me down for three long years. For all this time I had been atoning in secret, playing the role of anonymous benefactor and for what? To make it up to the man I’d wronged, sure.
But he had no idea I was apologizing, and what good did that do us? He was still mad, and I was still hiding from his anger.
It took Aria to make me realize that my secret work had nothing to do with apology, and everything to do with my ego. I couldn’t face what I’d done to Jesse, so I’d hidden from him and tried to fix it in secret.
But no more.
This was my apology. This was my action that would speak louder than anything I’d done before. Because I was here. Out of my comfortably hidden perch on the ridge and down here helping my friend.
I was so intent on my task, that I didn't notice the seated figure on the porch until I was almost on top of him.
He was watching me. don't know how long he had been watching me, but he didn't say a word. He sat in his wheelchair, his gloved hands resting on his lap, quietly watching me as I dug out his family. Small boot prints were scattered through the snow. His daughter had already been out here, probably attempting to build a snowman.
I went back to my shoveling, I could feel him watching me, but I said nothing until I had the whole driveway clear. Then I turned to him. "Do you have a hoe or something?" I asked.
He nodded once. "It's in the garage. I’ll go open it." He rolled himself inside and I waited for a second until the garage door opened by itself. I stepped in to see the line of gardening implements hung neatly on the wall. "Kenzie has a garden, in the summertime," Jesse explained in the doorway. "She usually does the shoveling too but she’s pregnant again. ”
I looked it up at him. "Congratulations."
His eyebrows lifted, but he didn't say anything. After a moment, I took the hoe out into the driveway and used it to hack up the layer of icy slush that still coated the driveway. It came up in great satisfying chunks I then shoveled away. Bit by bit, I finally scraped the entire driveway clean.
I stopped to catch my breath, and looked up. Jesse was still watching me from his garage. He wasn’t wearing his prosthetic today and I got a good long look at the stump where his leg used to be.
The heaviness of things unsaid hung in the air.
"You want to come in and warm up?" he called.
I swallowed and nodded, and followed him into the small house.
He gestured to the couch which was strewn with toys and stuffed animals and assorted baby crap. I heard nails on a hardwood floor and looked up. “Oh my God, Mojo?" I called to the big friendly yellow lab.
He sniffed, and let out a small woof of recognition, then trotted over, tail wagging, to put his head in my lap. "Hey Mojo dude, you're getting old.” The gray hairs around his eyes made him look like he was wearing a mask. I scratched him behind the ears, then patted him on his side.
He let out a contented snuffling sound and settled down at my feet.
Jesse rolled in with a mug. "I'd offer you a nip of something, but…" He trailed off.
I nodded. “This is fine." I took a sip of the microwaved hot cocoa.
Jesse watched me with inscrutable eyes. "I've missed you, man," he said. "How've you been?"
I leaned back on the couch. How had I been? Wasting time with arrogance, remorse, and guilt. "I'm doing better. How about you?"
Just then, Kenzie came waddling in, her great big belly leading first. She stood next to Jesse and watched me with concern in her eyes.
Jesse threaded his arm around his wife's waist. "I'm doing better too,” he said. “Got a new leg and everything. I can stand up and even take a few steps now. It’s pretty cool.” Then he looked up at his wife. "Kenzie? You okay?”
Kenzie blinked, and a flash of something a little like anger shone in her eyes. And why not? I’d robbed her of the husband she’d married, the one who’d stood at the altar on two legs and promised her the world. She’d lost something because of me too. I waited for the anger to boil over.
It was there and then it was gone. Like I’d imagined it. I'd just expected to see it there and it never actually was.
Because the next thing she did was smile. “Derek. It's so good to see you again."