‘Good morning, Class 6A,
as you may remember,
my name is Senior Constable Dawe . . .
yes, Senior,
no, I haven’t changed my name,
remember, it’s my rank.
No, senior doesn’t mean old, young lady,
it means
I’ve been promoted.
Today I’m here to talk about water safety,
swimmer safety,
as I think someone suggested last time.
Can anyone tell me
what you should do before swimming?
Yes, find some water to swim in.
That would be helpful.
But what about lessons?
Yes, I know you have lessons every day,
I mean, swimming lessons.
Have you all had swimming lessons?
Good.
So we’re all confident in water.
Does that mean we just dive into any water?
No, you can’t dive into a glass of water,
everyone knows that, young man.
Yes, I’m sure your dad says
he could dive into a bottle of beer in this heat
but I don’t think he means it literally, does he?
Class 6A, do we all just go and dive into the river?
Or the ocean?
Or even the municipal pool
when the council finally gets around to fixing it?
No, of course not.
What should you do before jumping in?
No, you shouldn’t get your friend to video
your fantastic dive.
Yes, I’m sure you can dive very well
but it’s not going to help if you land on a rock.
Yes, you probably would make it on
Australia’s Funniest Home Videos
but damaging your skull
to get on television
is not very funny, is it?
Please, Class 6A!
Yes, thank you, young lady,
we should check the depth of the water
before diving.
Or maybe not dive at all,
just step carefully into the water.
Yes, like an old man into a bathtub, young lady.
And what are we wearing, Class 6A?
I’m sorry,
we’ve been through the underpants issue before,
I hoped you’d all forgotten.
We are wearing swimmers and a rash shirt.
And why are we wearing a rash shirt?
No, not to stop you from getting rashes.
To stop sunburn.
Which means what should we also be wearing?
Anyone?
Remember slip, slop, slap?
No,
it’s not slip on a banana skin
slop on an ice-cream
and slap on a naked bottom.
I thought we’d made all the naked jokes last time.
Slip on a shirt, slop on sunscreen and slap on . . .
yes,
a hat.
Thank you, Class 6A.
That’s enough for today.
Next time we’re going to talk about bushfire safety.
Okay, bushwalker safety.
And koala safety, if you will.
No, not bunyip safety.
Bunyips don’t exist.
No, they didn’t all die in the bushfire.
They’re . . .
they’re . . .
I’ll leave that question to your teacher.
Thank you, Class 6A.’