Love. Kindness. I’d felt them once, hadn’t I? Long ago, in the mists of time, there’d been forgiveness, and a part of me that was tender.
I needed to find it, now.
My needle burrowed through the chintz, searching. Again and again it resurfaced without a catch. Healing. Health. They must be in there somewhere.
Twilight groped its way in through the window of our room. The glass gaped bare, since I’d hauled the curtains down. Only a few lamps glimmered outside, complemented by bobbing scullers upon the river.
How could I have known? She was always so brusque and snippy. The way her nose tilted up, as if she could smell something unpleasant, and that smell was me … I couldn’t think of that now. Only happy, kind, thoughts; gentle stitches.
‘Ruth, what are you doing? We need you.’ Billy opened the door, startling me. Dark marks sat beneath his brilliant eyes. He’d rolled his sleeves up, revealing tanned, lightly haired arms. ‘Kate’s very bad.’
‘I’ll be along in a moment.’
‘Mammy wants you to … Wait, what are you doing? Are they the curtains?’
Tingling shame, throughout my body. How could I explain? ‘I’m making a shawl. For Ka— for the mistress.’
‘She has shawls, Ruth.’
‘She needs – she …’ I shook my head. Useless. There was no time left for excuses. ‘Tell me, sir,’ I demanded, ‘was it really her? Did Kate send the police to Metyard’s?’
He stared at me for a moment, as if he’d never seen me before. A sigh left his mouth. Then he ducked his head, came inside and shut the door behind him.
He leant against the panels, as if he no longer had the strength to stand. ‘Yes. She did. I never thought I’d live to see that day! But things changed. She changed, after Miriam …’
Whatever I did, I couldn’t think of Mim now, couldn’t risk her soaking into this shawl. ‘You always tried to tell me. You said that Kate wasn’t her mother’s daughter.’
A bitter gasp of air – it might have been a laugh. ‘Did I? I don’t know if I believed it. I only wanted … Ah, but you understand, don’t you? You know how good it felt to take something from Mrs Metyard.’
I laid my needle down. Our eyes met, and for an instant I saw him as he must have been, back then: fresh from the Foundling, a gangling, scared boy with plaintive blue eyes.
‘Did you ever love her?’ I let slip.
‘That’s not a question for you to ask me!’
I bowed my head. He’d never spoken fiercely to me before. In fact, I don’t think I’d heard him angry in all the time I’d known him. ‘No, sir. I’m sorry. I should never—’
‘No, I’m sorry, Ruth. I didn’t mean to snap at you. It’s just …’ He covered his face with his hands. ‘Oh God, it’s such a mess.’
He was my master. I should have pretended not to see his tears. But instead I went to him and wrapped my arms around his waist, as I’d always longed to do. He cleaved to me like a child.
‘Ruth! Ruth, the things that I’ve done! I should never have gone back to that place. I didn’t want to! But how could I leave her alone?’
My pain was so intense that it was almost a pleasure. Crying burnished his eyes a fiercer blue than ever. I would never stir a man to desire, to love, but I’d caused this emotion: I had turned smiling, whistling Billy into a tortured soul.
If only I could heal him, too.
‘What are we going to do?’ he cried. ‘God, the baby! If she and the baby die, and the doctor thinks—’
‘I won’t let them die!’ I promised rashly. ‘I’ll undo it. I swear to you. I’ll find a way to undo it all.’
His wet lashes blinked at me. ‘Undo?’ he repeated, uncertainly. ‘What do you …’
Strange, isn’t it, how love loosens the tongue? I’d never said the words aloud before, even to myself. But standing there with Billy, his tears in my hair, his smell on my skin, unlocked me. Closing my eyes, I took a deep breath.
‘It’s a power, Billy. Kate’s corset … It was my fault. I did it. I wanted her to suffer.’
‘What are you talking about?’
‘I thought she hurt Mim!’ I wailed. ‘I made her ill, I made the corset to kill her!’
When I opened my eyes, Billy’s face spoke of utter bewilderment. It was as if we’d never met. ‘You … did what?’
I grabbed my sewing project, waving it at him like a lunatic. ‘Didn’t you think it odd that so many of our customers fell ill? It’s in my stitches! Look! I can hurt people, I can make them blind.’
Words flew out and relief streamed in to take their place. Every burden I’d carried alone: Naomi, Pa, Ma – I offered them up to him. With every confession I became lighter. By the time I told him about Mim’s fish inside Kate’s corset, I thought I might float from the ground.
Billy peered at me from under his lowered brows. The muscles of his face lay absolutely still. I tried to read his expression. It wasn’t horror – no, not that. Disbelief. Wariness. A dawning sense of comprehension.
‘You aren’t well, Ruth. This has all upset you more than you realise.’
‘No! It’s true. I’ll prove it. When this shawl is finished, it will make her better. I just have to—’
He held up a hand. ‘Let us understand one another. Are you honestly telling me that you’ve tried to kill my wife?’
How intently he watched me, breath suspended. In some perverse way, I felt he was willing me to say yes.
I swallowed. ‘It’s true, sir. I’m so sorry. I never meant to hurt you …’
‘Good God.’
Without another word, he left the room. The click of the door sliced right through me.
Gone. Gone, never to return.
I hid my aching face inside the shawl and tried to cry.