The characters model healthy responses to conflicts.Conflict Develops Grit, Coping Skills, and Strategies
Holed up in a conference room at Nickelodeon for six weeks, Traci and I were having a blast realizing our dream of creating a show for preschoolers—we were batting ideas around together while she was sketching different poses of an adorable kitten and I scripted a handful of preschool-appropriate games. We had named Traci’s adorable kitten Blue, and we were convinced she would be a preschooler’s best friend and the star of our show. That’s right . . . Blue was a blue kitten first! We put together a presentation of the materials we’d been developing and headed off to a meeting with Nickelodeon’s preschool department, Nick Jr., where we showed them the beginning of the script and our kitten main character. But no sooner had we launched into our pitch then we were told that another show in development at the network already had a cat character in it. So, um, we needed to change the cat.
What? Change? We Cannot Change Our Kitten Main Character! Well, it was either that or drop the show.
Conflict.
That’s it. Traci and I were done. We had no show. Our career in children’s television was over before it had even really begun. Heads down, we took a Pause. After a brief quiet, the two of us began talking about other things. I remember one of us trying to diffuse the tension by making a joke, which resulted in a bit of laughter. And, I won’t lie . . . we may have shed a few tears. How were we going to resolve our conflict?
Then Traci flipped open her notebook, grabbed a pen off the table, and began to draw. When she set down the pen a minute later, I looked over to see what she had doodled. It was something she’d drawn since she was a kid. A puppy. Our blue puppy. In the midst of this conflict, we had taken a Pause, and creatively resolved it. Blue was born. We were back. We had a show. And an adorable blue puppy to boot.
The truth is, conflict is part of life for everyone. No one gets a free pass. Not you, not me, and not our preschoolers. And because conflict is interwoven into the human experience, it’s also at the heart of any interesting and motivating story. Harry Potter? Conflict. Star Wars? Conflict. Any epic adventure or heartfelt drama or hilarious comedy that grabs us and immediately brings us in? Conflict.
The same goes for media created for preschoolers. But instead of being filled with charged battles over control of the galaxy or young wizards fighting against evil, in preschool terms, conflict looks like this:
Oh no! Why is the big bad wolf so big and scary?
Whoa! Green Puppy just knocked down Blue’s blocks!
So sad! We can’t have our scooter parade in the rain!
Ahh! The giant is having a huge meltdown!
Help! Jackson’s puppy is missing!
Prince Wednesday has my car. It’s mine!
This is the preschool version of drama. Conflict. Big problems. Huge emotions. Watch any preschool TV show, and you’ll notice there’s at least one preschool-appropriate dramatic element in every episode. That’s because drama and conflict don’t just make good stories—they are the stuff that life is made of. As parents, we often swoop in to save the day the second we notice our child feeling uncomfortable or struggling with a difficult social or emotional problem. Yet the research shows that learning how to deal with challenges and conflicts as a child, as well as have active strategies and clues to deal with them, isn’t just an important part of the human experience—it’s critical to developing into happy, thriving adults.
In every one of our series, we have an overall approach to solving our conflict at the core of our curriculum. In the end, since we’re teaching kids how to think and not what to think, the journey itself is of the utmost importance. One of the many ways we repeat our approach to learning how to solve problems is by modeling what preschoolers can do in their everyday lives. We want them to see what our characters are doing, aspire to be like them, and model their approaches to different situations. We believe that all children are different and learn differently, and therefore we have different series, different characters, different stories, and different approaches to problem solving in hopes that one of them speaks to each child. For instance:
• “When you have a problem, you look in a book!” Solving conflicts by using research in books.
• “Let’s play Blue’s Clues to figure it out.” Solving conflicts through play.
• “Take a deep breath and count to four.” Solving conflicts through emotional regulation.
• “Think, think, think!” Promoting the idea of pausing to gather thoughts before solving conflicts.
• “Think about how someone else is feeling.” Using empathy to solve conflicts.
• “We can solve this, with art!” Using art to solve conflicts.
Our approach to solving problems and conflict varies, but they all have key ingredients in common that engage and actively include the home viewer so they can model and learn, especially when experiencing the strategies in different ways.
Understanding and labeling emotions is our preschoolers’ first step toward boosting their emotional intelligence which, according to Psychology Today, is the “ability to identify and manage your own emotions and the emotions of others.” It’s also most definitely something we want to foster in our children, considering that research has shown that “young people with high Emotional Intelligence earn higher grades, stay in school, and make healthier choices.”1
Fred Rogers, a huge advocate for teaching preschoolers how to express feelings and label feelings, once said, “What is mentionable is manageable.” Fred believed, and so do I, that we need to teach our preschoolers that all feelings are okay, and when we talk about them, we can find solutions to conflicts. Fred reinforced this thoughtful message in every episode of Mister Rogers’ Neighborhood, and it made quite an impact on his young viewers. In fact, researchers who studied the television show found that preschoolers who regularly watched Mister Rogers’ Neighborhood had an increased use of positive reinforcement and an increased understanding of their feelings, and as a result, were calmer and happier.
Continuing Fred’s legacy, we tackle emotional intelligence on Daniel Tiger’s Neighborhood, and knowing that media can influence these effective outcomes for our preschool viewers, we were curious to know if our show would have long-lasting effects. Were the strategies we were teaching “sticky” enough to change behavior? Eric Rasmussen and his colleagues at Texas Tech found that children who watched Daniel Tiger’s Neighborhood over a two-week period exhibited higher levels of empathy, self-efficacy (confidence in oneself in social situations), and the ability to recognize emotions than those who watched a nature show. And when parents were actively involved and asked questions about the content, the results were even greater.2
The main storyline of the very first episode of Daniel Tiger’s Neighborhood is that it’s Daniel’s birthday (birthdays are intrinsically motivating for preschoolers). Daniel was beyond excited and couldn’t wait for his birthday party, especially for his birthday cake (more motivation). He goes with Mom to the bakery to pick up his cake, and while there, the home viewer helps Daniel decorate it so it’s extra special—a tiger cake with frosting stripes that looks just like him (upping the ante of investment in the cake). Empowered to help, Daniel tells Mom he wants to carry the cake home all by himself. After an especially bouncy Trolley ride (you can see where this is going), they arrive at his house, where he runs in the front door jostling the cake even more. Once inside, Daniel wants to show Dad Tiger his cake. Excitedly, he opens up the cake box only to discover that his beloved cake is . . . smushed. Smushed! Big problem.
So how do we handle this problem? Well, we start by showing Daniel do what most preschoolers would do. His eyes well up with tears and he throws himself into Dad Tiger’s lap for comfort. This creates even more drama—the home viewers love Daniel so much they become even more emotionally invested to help him with his problem.
Then Dad Tiger empathizes with Daniel about the problem and acknowledges Daniel’s feelings. Daniel softens with the affirmation and visibly relaxes even more into Dad’s lap. Dad Tiger then takes Daniel through our musical strategy of the episode by singing, “When something seems bad, turn it around and find something good.” (This is actually the second time viewers have heard this strategy in the eleven-minute episode. The first time was when Mom sang it to him in the bakery after he messed up while decorating his cake.) After his dad reminds him of the strategy, Daniel sings it back to him, reinforcing the idea that he is comprehending it. Then, taking the thinking one step further, Dad Tiger talks through the problem-solving strategy with him.
Dad Tiger: “Tell me something that you like about birthday cakes?”
Daniel Tiger: “That they’re not smushed?”
Dad Tiger: “What’s something else that you like about all birthday cakes?”
Daniel Tiger: “That they taste yummy?”
Then it dawns on Daniel . . . a solution to his conflict.
Daniel: “Maybe the cake still tastes good even though it’s smushed?”
Dad reinforces that Daniel has come to a good conclusion by taking out a spoon (yep . . . he happens to have one handy) and offering Daniel a taste. And what do you know? It does taste good! Hurray!
Now, as with everything we try to teach in our shows, the end goal is mastery. We want preschoolers to be able to “own” this conflict-resolution strategy and apply it in their real lives for themselves. So, before we even finalized this episode for air, we conducted formative research with real preschoolers. The director of research for Daniel Tiger’s Neighborhood, Rachel Kalban, MA, read the story aloud to the preschoolers, assessed and observed their questions and interactions, and asked a series of comprehension questions after she was finished reading. One of her questions was the mastery question for the purposes of this episode. She asked the children: “What would you do if you were disappointed?” One by one each of the preschoolers replied, “Taste it!” “Yup, taste it.” “It tastes yummy!”
Whoops. Now, this was a conflict for us!
What we wanted the preschoolers to do was revert to our musical strategy for dealing with disappointment and say, “Turn it around and find something good!” We would have even been happy with just “find something good.” Unfortunately, no matter how yummy a cake is, “Taste it” is not a strategy for disappointment. We went back to our research on repetition, scaffolding, and mastery, talked the situation over with Rachel, and devised a plan. I wrote a revised version of the script incorporating some new ideas based on our findings, including making sure it was chock full of purposeful repetition for mastery, added in a one-minute strategy song as well as a second eleven-minute story reinforcing the same strategy. By the end of a twenty-two-minute episode, preschoolers had the opportunity to model and interact with four specific examples of the strategy in two distinct stories and hear two different strategy songs that each had from three to four additional uses of the strategy. That’s ten to twelve times, generalizing across multiple storylines and scenarios. This time, when we tested the script, all of the kids sang the strategy back to us. And, most important, when Rachel asked the big question—“What would you do if you were disappointed?”—they all blurted out, “Turn it around and find something good!” Conflict resolved. And we had a show.
Anytime my friend Claire’s kids have a sibling conflict, she asks them to sit down and not get up until they can verbalize how the other one is feeling. For example, once Claire asked her four-year-old son Sam how his sister was feeling. He answered that Lilly was sad because she wanted to play with Sam’s bubbles. Claire asked Lilly if that was correct, and she nodded yes. Then Claire turned to Lilly and asked her what Sam was feeling. Not even two years old, Lilly tried her hardest and said, “Blah blah blah SAM blah blah blah SAM!” Claire turned to Sam and said, “Is that right?” to which Sam replied, “Yes.”
Sibling conflicts can be especially heart-wrenching because, let’s face it—we’ve all dreamed of our kids being each other’s best friends. But when guiding our children through such conflicts, our job is to promote empathy from the very beginning so they can learn how to understand and respect each other’s differences and points of view. If we do this right, our kids, just like Claire’s, just might be considering each other’s feelings even before they can talk. Proactively promoting empathy not only helps children learn how to solve conflicts in the future but it also allows for current conflicts to become teachable moments. Through this practice, ideally, our kids will learn how to argue respectfully and successfully, both in and outside the family.
Whatever the root of the drama in your preschooler’s world, the ultimate goal with any conflict is to get them invested in their own outcomes in the same way they are invested in their own drama.
While a dramatic story written for preschoolers and a drama of their own making may be completely different in content and context, they have one important similarity—investment. In both situations, we are working toward developing a preschooler’s ability to understand that what they do impacts everyone around them. And in order for them to fully be open to that learning, they need to be invested and feel that what they do and how they do it will affect the outcome. Of course, preschoolers are already invested in their own drama. They want that cookie. They need that iPad. They have to have what they want and they have to have it now. Our goal is to get that same level of passion, spirit, and drive into solving the drama, too.
What we learn from watching our kids watch media is that when they are emotionally invested in the story, they have to know how it will end. Have you ever tried to turn off the TV on your preschooler before a show was over? I have. And I witnessed a major meltdown! That’s because they are invested. They care. They are so motivated that they will jump to their feet and do what they can to figure out a solution. We want to harness that unabashed preschool drive and investment and steer it in the direction of solving their own problems with similar zest.
Breaking it down, here are the steps we use in our TV storytelling that we can also use with our preschoolers in real life to help them be invested in solving their problems.
The benefits of taking a moment to Pause when solving conflicts can’t be overstated. Think about it: many of the best mindfulness strategies begin with taking a deep breath and pausing to collect your thoughts. In the quiet of the Pause, many of the best ideas come to be. When we Pause in real life, sometimes we’re giving our preschoolers time to have their meltdown (yes, even in the middle of the grocery store) and time to for us to breathe and think. Though it’s not always easy to remember when we’re facing a DEFCON 1–level crisis, it’s important that our preschoolers realize that they need to first calm down before anyone can successfully resolve any conflict. The Pause allows us to take a moment to figure out our best coping strategies. As parents, we can identify some coping strategies and offer them to our preschoolers. The best coping strategies need to start with a moment to calm down. After that, we can affirm our preschooler’s emotions and reassure them that a solution can be found.
After we take the time to Pause, we want to empower our preschoolers. We empower them by being positive and affirming, empathetic, and understanding. We don’t belittle or shame. Just because they are preschoolers doesn’t mean their problems are small (to them). The way in which they deal with their preschool problems will directly correlate to how effectively they deal with bigger problems when they become middle schoolers, then teenagers, and then successful adults. Empower by:
• Affirming: nodding to show you understand.
• Giving a hug to show them you’re on their side.
• Staying calm to show this problem can be solved.
• Leaning in to show we’re actively listening.
We interact with our preschoolers to help them come up with their own best tools for coping and resolving conflicts. To do that, we ask questions that guide them to solving conflicts in their own way. We are there to help brainstorm ideas, nudge them toward new ways to think about something, and offer thoughtful questions to help them come to grips with their overwhelming feelings, such as:
• “How did this make you feel?” (Feeling question)
• “That sounds terrible. Sounds like you really want that.” (Affirming)
• “What do you think we should do? What are other ideas you have?” (Brainstorming question)
• “What would make you feel better? How can we solve this problem?” (Solution-oriented question)
PAUSE, EMPOWER, INTERACT: A CASE STUDY
Here’s an example of what the above approach looks like in action in a scenario you’ve likely experienced from time to time:
The situation: Your child is having a crisis, and as a result, is feeling BIG emotions such as anger or frustration, or perhaps is in full-fledged meltdown mode. You . . . |
||
Pause |
Give them some time to feel their emotion—anger, frustration, etc. Use this time for them to learn how to calm themselves down. Offer strategies for this. |
Play with clay, dance the mad out, jump, run, breathe, take a break. |
Empower |
Provide affirmation, understanding, and respect for their feelings. |
“It seems like this is hard for you.” “You sound upset.” “I see that you really wanted that.” |
Interact |
Ask feelings questions, brainstorm solutions, offer coping strategies, actively listen, and respectfully communicate. |
“How are you feeling?” “What could make you feel better?” “What are some things we could do?” “We can’t do that, but we can . . .” |
And . . . repeat.
If your preschooler gets upset again, you can begin all over, but give her more space and time to Pause before you interact. Overall, think of this as a solid investment with payoffs for everybody involved. Because every time we reinforce these strategies with our preschoolers, it will require less and less time as they begin to master the concepts and start having control over themselves, their world, and find their own solutions. With that said, I understand that each preschooler is unique, and so the way each strategy works may look different depending on the child’s wiring and social-emotional maturity. For example, preschoolers who struggle with emotional regulation, have difficulty reading social cues, and/or aren’t naturally empathetic may need extra support in developing these conflict-resolution skills.
Just as we want our preschoolers to want to learn, we also want our preschoolers to want to solve their conflicts—on their own. Luckily, intrinsic motivation is found in steady supply in the language of the preschooler: play. Therefore, the more a preschooler wants to do an activity, including resolving his own conflicts, the more sparked he will naturally be.
When we approach conflict in a positive way—as a learning tool for our preschoolers— we can then detach ourselves from needing to fix it or being overly worried or even annoyed by it. (Who knows . . . you might even embrace it!) The more we give our preschoolers time to come to terms with their own emotions and the space and help to solve their own conflicts, the more they will do it. For example, when we believe our preschoolers will do well and offer clues to empower, challenge, and build their self-worth, we’ll see the positive results—fewer tantrums and more problem solving. We need to find ways for our kids to achieve, give third, fourth, and fifth chances, and catch them doing things “right,” not wrong, to keep that mojo going as their self-worth grows right along with their ability to deal with problems.
A teacher friend of mind recalled the year she had a preschool-aged student who found a new way to be challenging in the classroom: trying to control and manipulate the kids around him. Billy was a strong and dynamic personality—smart, big ideas, creative and, yes, a “handful.” He’d also entered the class with a new swagger—a new baby sister. With less control over his home life, he began taking a strong leadership role in the classroom, which quickly transformed into a dictatorship. He bossed kids around in the dramatic play area, insisting only he could decide who could be who, and tormented kids in the block area, excluding anyone he didn’t want to play, with an evil cackle. It got to the point where kids would ask him if they were “allowed” to make a picture at the art table. While my friend could have easily reprimanded Billy or continuously let the kids know Billy wasn’t in charge, instead she took an empathetic, positive approach with the cooperation of his parents. In a class meeting, and while Billy had a comfortable and secure seat by the teacher, students were encouraged to talk about their experiences with Billy and how they felt when he excluded or bossed them around. Then they talked about how Billy might feel so kids could see him as a person with feelings. Lastly, they turned it around and talked about what the kids liked about Billy and why he’s fun to play with. By the end of the meeting, the class agreed they were going to help Billy be a better friend and classmate. As a result, Billy softened and turned from a bully back into a sweet preschooler. It took a few weeks, but eventually the classroom went back to normal. Billy was still an engaged, passionate, and challenging kid . . . but he wasn’t the boss anymore.
NURTURING HEALTHY CONFLICT RESPONSES IN OUR PRESCHOOLERS
As parents, we can look for these clues to see how our preschoolers are dealing with conflict. Notice if they are in the “unhealthy” column and use activities to move them into the “Healthy Responses to Conflict” column.
Suggested Activities |
Healthy Responses to Conflict |
|
Unable to identify their emotions |
Play “Feelings Charade” and practice naming the feeling. |
Can name emotions and understand them |
Angry, hurtful, and resentful reactions |
Take a Pause and help redirect the reaction to reflect what is truly going on. |
Calm, nondefensive, respectful reactions |
Withdrawal of love, shaming, isolation, and fear of abandonment |
Give a hug; redirect shame away from the preschooler; affirm their feelings and give them some one-on-one time. |
A readiness to forgive; many chances to do right |
An inability to compromise |
Play board games to practice compromise through taking turns, following the rules, winning, losing, and debating. |
The ability to seek compromise |
The fear and avoidance of conflict |
Try to ease fears and gently guide toward a resolution when a child makes a mistake or is afraid of “getting in trouble.” |
A positive view of conflict and a means to resolve |
Conflict is an unavoidable fact of life, and most of us experience it on a daily basis. But when conflict turns into stress every day as we are trying to get everyone out the door in the morning and continue to getting everyone fed, in the bath, and off to bed at night, we need to alter our coping strategies. Understanding and noticing our own stresses as well as those that trigger our preschoolers will help us to change course and tackle these problems head on. Plus, our preschoolers also see and sometimes experience conflict as stress in their everyday lives at school, with peers, and even with trips to the doctor’s office. Other preschoolers may experience high stress surrounding transitions and changes to routine, especially children who are differently wired.
It’s important that we use our same conflict-resolution clues to help turn stressful situations into learning experiences by giving ourselves and our preschoolers a way to cope. Just as learning how to think is more important than getting the right answer, how we cope and handle these situations is more important than coming up with the perfect solution. In that way, helping our preschoolers master conflict-resolution strategies may help rewire their brains to jump into problem-solving mode and utilize a coping routine rather than freak out when under stress. Imagine the benefits of learning these skills as preschoolers when it comes to alleviating long-term stress, and ultimately reducing the chances of developing chronic illness as they age.
THE POWER OF ONE PERSON
The truth is, most everyone feels vulnerable when faced with resolving a challenging conflict, and this is especially true for our young preschoolers. Being your child’s advocate, ready to offer positive coping solutions, will make all the difference in the world when it comes to how they experience conflict. Research has shown us that we need only one person—a teacher, even the crossing guard or the local store clerk—who repeatedly smiles, looks us in the eye, and lets us know that they believe in us. That human connection can make all the difference in the world, especially to a preschooler. For me, that person was my Italian grandmother whom I was named after. Angela Ferrante was a tough Italian woman who’d been through a lot in her life, and therefore she felt no remorse in telling it like it is—the good, the bad and the ugly. So, when she went out of her way to repeatedly tell me how smart it was of me to “look in a book for whatever I wanted to know” and say that I’d “go far in life” and that she “believed in me,” it impacted me deeply. I would feel her message and hold my head a little bit higher. To this day, one of my favorite necklaces to wear is hers—with a large gold “A” for both of our names.
One of my favorite ways to approach conflict, especially when we as parents or caregivers are the ones feeling the conflict and all the emotions that go along with it, is to express ourselves in bite-sized, preschool-appropriate words. Parenting guru Julie Ross was the one who first taught me about the “I Message.” The I Message incorporates what the issue is (so it’s explicitly clear what exactly is going on), how it makes you feel (for motivation), a simple why (for clarity and learning purposes), and the want (for a clear idea of what to do about it). Not only does this tool give us a simple approach for navigating difficult moments with our preschoolers, but it is an ideal strategy to model for our little ones.3
For example, let’s say you walk into the living room and there are toys strewn all over the floor. You’ve already asked your child to put them away several times, so naturally, now you are upset. You’re upset that (a) your daughter hasn’t listened to you, and (b) that the living room is still such a mess. What do you do?
State the I MESSAGE. You say:
“When you . . . don’t pick up your toys,
“I feel . . . upset,
“because . . . I’ve asked you to do it a few times.
“I would like you to . . . pick up your toys.”
I know—the above script sounds so simple and rational, right? Well, that’s exactly why it works. I won’t beat around the bush: it’s kind of magical, because the dialogue is clear, concise, repetitive, emotional, motivating, and action-oriented, all at the same time. When used correctly, preschoolers will clearly understand:
“When you” = What the problem is (your preschooler didn’t pick up her toys)
“I feel” = How the behavior affected someone she loves (Dad is upset)
“Because” = Why the other person feels this way (Dad has asked a few times)
“I would like you to” = What action we want her to take (pick up the toys)
How many times have you gotten upset with your preschooler but neglected to concretely state what you wanted to happen? Or how many times have you been upset without explicitly saying why you feel that way? Remember: preschoolers are literal and concrete. They need to know a very specific thing that they can do to fix the problem, and they need to be told. If you incorporate this I Message into your parenting notebook and use it in a calm, natural way every time you have a conflict with your preschooler, she will learn to know what to expect and will flourish in the repetition.
Angela’s Clues
Conflict helps us to learn and grow. How we deal with it and how we resolve it in our everyday lives will make a huge difference in our preschoolers’ development of empathy, respect, and positivity. Our preschoolers follow our lead with regard to how we model responding to conflict and how we help them to deal with tough situations. Using clues such as pausing, empowering, and interacting, as well as coping strategies and the I Message, can help us resolve conflict in a positive way. Taking examples from our preschooler’s favorite shows, we can help our kids to work through some of their tricky situations, such as having your preschooler remember when this happened to Daniel Tiger or Arthur. Thinking of conflicts as a learning tool changed the way I look at my own daughters’ highly charged emotional outbursts. It is always important to me that they have the time and space to think about their problems and actively engage in a solution. And of course, sometimes our kids just wanted to cry and be hugged (don’t we all?). Truth be told, these strategies have continued to come into play now that my children are teenagers as they persevere in conflict, try new things, and many times fail, but continue to reach for what they want.
• Be Involved by affirming and embracing conflicts.
• Ask Questions to help your preschooler foster their social and emotional skills.
• See the Spark and build on your child’s approach for resolving conflict.
YOUR MEDIA “YES” LIST
The characters model healthy responses to conflicts.
The conflicts aren’t too stressful or scary.
The shows spend more time portraying the resolution than the conflict itself.
The conflicts shown are surrounding preschool-relatable situations.
Clue Takeaways
• Conflict is part of everyday life, even for preschoolers.
• Conflict offers opportunities to foster resolution strategies that will benefit preschoolers throughout their lives.
• Developing learning strategies is more important than coming up with the “perfect” resolution.
• The I Message is a simple, clear tool for dealing with conflict in your family in a way that supports growth.