The storylines and characters celebrate and affirm preschoolers’ self-worth.Celebrating the Small Things Grows Preschoolers’ Sense of Optimism and Intrinsic Motivation
Like many little kids, when Ella was little, she loved to count. She would count to ten over and over again: “One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten.” When she got to ten, she would clap, and we would celebrate. “Yay!” We did this over and over again. “One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten . . . YAY!” One day, I Paused and asked, “Ella, what comes after ten?”
After thinking about it for a moment, she replied enthusiastically, “Yay!” Apparently, little celebrations are great, but perhaps we were overdoing it since “Yay!” had somehow become another word for eleven. Mom fail.
When you’re a preschooler, no accomplishment is too small for some recognition. I’m not saying our children should get a “trophy for everything,” but rather I’m suggesting we prioritize positive affirmation, acknowledgment, and encouragement. The truth is, the little things mean a lot to a preschooler because, for the most part, they are firsts! Remember the first time you moved into your own apartment or house? I bet you celebrated! How about landing your first job? A cause for celebration. Remember when you got married? Chances are your DJ spun a little bit of Kool and the Gang’s “Celebration” at some point during the reception (even if you didn’t want him to).
My point is, it’s important that we don’t lose sight of what’s important to our preschoolers. And even though our preschoolers’ firsts may seem small or insignificant to us, to them they are big accomplishments. Recognizing this is another way of respecting them by getting on their level and understanding the world according to who they are. Once we launch into their world of play, one where we are the stars of their shows, we can’t help but want to play along while teaching them invaluable lessons about loving life, empathy, and making the most of our time together.
So what things are worth celebrating to a preschooler? How about when the mail comes (seriously, there’s a whole celebratory song!)? How about a lost tooth? A first plane ride? A first successful hop across the playground? These are all big deals to our little ones and deserve to be called out and celebrated. By doing so, we’re making a conscious point to stop, smell the roses, and celebrate life with our children. And what more could we really want as parents? And for our children? Giving them the clues and wherewithal to be in the moment and celebrate what is will do wonders for their sense of self-worth, both now and in the future.
I’ve written many different “celebration episodes” for my preschool shows over the years, but the one I’m most proud of is one where I really had to dig deep to find the positive (which is exactly the point I’m making in this chapter). I’m talking about perhaps the most difficult episode I’ve ever had to write—when our host Steve Burns announced he wanted to leave Blue’s Clues for good. Time for a celebration episode? It didn’t feel like it at the time—I was a puddle of tears.
When he first told us about his decision, I flashed back to that day many years earlier in the conference room with Traci when we heard Blue couldn’t be a kitten and felt that same kick in the gut. My immediate thought once again: Our show was done. Tears were streaming down my face. Traci and I felt an overwhelming sense of loss, because we had so many more things we wanted to say to kids through our show. We also had eighty staff members, many with young families, and we couldn’t just pull the plug. It wasn’t time. We weren’t ready to leave. So, after a Pause (not to mention a teeny tiny pity party and perhaps a chocolate chip cookie or two), I started to write. Just as Traci drew our new puppy in our time of need, this time, I scripted and scripted and scripted. I wrote the saddest script I’d ever written—a heartbreaking, tear-filled story.
But then it hit me. How would we want a preschooler to react to this news? After all, we had the power, in the way we dealt with the story, to model a positive, happy transition. And even though I wasn’t feeling so positive about it, I did feel motivated and inspired to model it as something positive for preschoolers. So, I threw out my sad script and wrote a new aspirational story. I knew the only way our audience would feel good about Steve saying good-bye to Blue (and them) would be for him to leave for something important. And what’s more important than leaving to go to college? The more I wrote, the more excited I became. And I actually grew to love the idea that, since so many kids were watching our show, Steve’s departure was giving us a unique opportunity to show them what college looked like and be sparked by Steve’s pride. Ultimately our goal was to motivate our viewers to grow up wanting to go to college, just like Steve did. In the end, we remembered to celebrate, and that made all of the difference, both for our viewers, and our crew. And, of course, I also wrote in someone to take care of Blue—Steve’s younger brother Joe. And our show could go on!
Embracing the tool of celebration as a regular part of our preschoolers’ lives has the power to imbue their world with healthy doses of positivity, which is no small benefit. We know that children who have a positive outlook on life are more motivated, do better in school, feel they have more control of their lives, are less likely to be depressed as adults, and live longer.1 That’s because these optimistic kids have a different, more positive way of viewing the causes of events in their lives. Much like higher-order thinkers, they feel empowered because they’ve learned how to make sense of the world. They know how to see possibilities and make positive changes. In fact, many people consider optimism to be the single most important factor in determining resilience, above intelligence and genetics.2 As we know, many theorists believe that resilience and grit are what’s behind success in life. To me, the most exciting aspect of this idea is that mindsets are flexible—they have the ability to change. So just like higher-order learning, an optimistic mindset can be taught.
To demonstrate this, Dr. Martin Seligman at the University of Pennsylvania began the Penn Resiliency Project (PRP), whereby he and his staff taught young children how to identify pessimistic explanations, as well as how to generate more optimistic and realistic explanations, for the problems they encounter. The Penn Resiliency Project proved that children with a pessimistic outlook were in fact able to change to being more optimistic, which ultimately decreases their chances for depression. And these results weren’t a fluke, either. The success of Dr. Seligman’s project has since been validated in thirteen different controlled research studies involving two thousand children, ages eight to fifteen.3 The best news? The clues behind this transformation, known as learned optimism, can be used successfully with our own kids, just as I’ve used them on my shows to teach optimism through media.
The skills needed to learn optimism are similar to those required for resolving conflicts. Both begin with a problem and both call for looking at the problem in an active, positive way. The difference is that in the case of learned optimism, we want to help our child learn to recognize the thoughts that are creating their inner monologue. Because it’s this inner monologue that we want to change or strengthen to be more optimistic.
But how do we define the concept to preschoolers in the first place? We can say that optimism is “looking for the good parts” of something or someone, or that it’s “seeing the happiness” in everything, or even that it means to “find something good” in a bad situation. While we don’t want to brush our children’s sad, or frustrated, or uncomfortable feelings under the rug, we do want preschoolers to understand that sad feelings and disappointments won’t last forever. As one optimistic preschooler once said to us during a research session on a particularly rainy morning, “The sun will come out tomorrow!” Then, as if on cue, she launched into the signature song from Annie, “Tomorrow,” for us. Optimism at its best.
Like it or not, it’s our voice and the words we say to our children that will form the foundation of their inner monologue. And that very same inner monologue will ultimately become their guiding force as they move away from us and into the world beyond. It’s the voice they’ll hear in a tough situation or when facing a challenging decision. It’s the voice that will shape how they perceive themselves during the tween and teen years and beyond, as they think about their weaknesses, strengths, and capabilities. That’s why it’s so important that our voice is positive, kind, and keeps them safe by helping them make good choices. But above all, we want to do what we can to ensure their inner voice is an optimist.
Now that my girls are teenagers, my husband, Greg, and I are trusting and hoping that we’ve ingrained in them enough of our thoughts, points of view, positive outlook, and critical thinking skills in their younger years so that as their friends become more influential, they have a healthy, optimistic foundation to work from. In order to help give our preschoolers an inner voice that is realistic, positive, and empathetic, we need to model it ourselves. This is what I love so much about preschoolers—they are there, listening to us, with an open mind and an open heart, taking everything in.
LEARNED OPTIMISM WITH A FOUR-YEAR-OLD: GABRIELLA AND PETER
My friend Gabriella and her four-year-old son Peter had made plans to play at the park one morning. He was beyond excited to go to this particular park and had talked about it all night before bed the day before. When he woke up, Peter rushed to the window, as preschoolers do, excited to start his day, only to see the huge, torrential rainstorm happening outside. Understanding that the stormy weather meant he couldn’t go to the park as planned, he burst into tears. When Gabriella entered his room, she saw the circumstance as an ideal opportunity to help Peter foster learned optimism.
First things first, she sat down next to him on his bed and gave him a hug, Pausing to let him express his feelings:
Peter (angrily): “It always rains when I want to play outside! I never get to go out and play!”
Gabriella empowered her son by acknowledging his feelings and letting him know they were important while giving him a loving squeeze:
Gabriella: “You seem angry and sad.”
Peter nodded, tears streaming down his sweet little face. Gabriella empowered him to share his internal dialogue, one she knew had the potential to become a negative spiral or thought pattern if not affirmed and reversed:
Gabriella: “What are you saying in your head that is making you so sad?”
Peter: “I wanted to play with my friend. I never get to play with him. He goes to another school. I miss him.”
And with that admission, he crumpled into Gabriella’s lap with huge tears. Gabriella gently interacted with him, asking him if he could come up with a new way to look at the situation and solve the problem.
Gabriella: “I know it feels like you never get to play with Jack anymore. But remember when we went trick or treating with him? That was fun.”
Peter nodded. Gabriella continued to interact until they could come up with an optimistic solution together:
Gabriella: “What do you think we could do to make you feel better?”
Peter (angrily): “Nothing. Nothing will make me feel better.”
She took another Pause so Peter could think. If he had continued to be angry, she might have offered him a coping strategy and asked him to take a deep breath and count to four so he could be calm and think of a solution. But as it happened, Peter Paused and then looked up at his mom and said:
Peter: “Since it’s raining, maybe Jack could come here to play instead of the playground? And next time, when it’s sunny out, we can slide down the slide.”
Gabriella (smiling): “Good idea! Let me call his mom now.”
Through his work developing the clues in the relatively new field of positive psychology, Dr. Seligman has identified what he calls the Three Ps of Learned Optimism—permanence, pervasiveness, and personalization—that we should look for and work to nurture in our kids. Here’s a breakdown of what these Three Ps look like in action, as well as how to look for these “clues” when our kids talk, using Gabriella and Peter’s story as an example:
The “P” |
What It Is |
Pessimistic View |
Optimistic View |
Permanence |
An understanding of how long the problem will last. |
Using restricting language: “I’ll never get to play!” |
“It’s raining today, but it won’t rain every day. What was the weather like yesterday?” |
Pervasiveness |
How far-reaching and dire the problem is. |
Looking at the problem in broad, exaggerated strokes: “We can’t play!” |
“We can’t play outside, but maybe we can still play.” |
Personalization |
Who or what is responsible for the setback. |
Believing they are personally responsible: “This always happens to me.” |
“Remember when we went trick or treating together?” |
We hear a lot about the importance of self-worth, which is defined as feeling good about ourselves and recognizing our inherent value and worth as we are. I very much believe in the value of acknowledging and affirming a preschooler’s self-worth, but, as is the case with everything when it comes to parenting choices, the clue to doing this well can be found in how we do it. It’s important that while trying to boost our children up and strengthen their sense of self, we pay close attention to what’s developmentally appropriate for their young age. We don’t want to “throw them into the real world” yet just to teach them a lesson, and they are still too young to learn that “life isn’t fair.” When it comes to self-worth, preschoolers need to learn about trust through feeling safe and nurtured.
Looking back, it’s hard to imagine there was a time when research stated parents were spoiling their baby by picking her up every time she cried and that a newborn baby could be manipulating its parents. The truth is, everything we know about human beings tells us that we want to be listened to. Babies, especially, need to understand they are safe, secure, and heard. It’s why we swaddle them. It’s why we baby-wear them. They come out of the womb—a safe, contained, cozy place—into this huge world, and we need to let them know we’re near, with comfort and security.
When we pick our babies up and understand their cries, they grow up being “attached” to us—they know we are there for them. As they become toddlers, these attached little ones will continue to look at us, as they stretch themselves to go further and further away and try new things. And as long as they know we’re there, with just a little bit of eye contact and a smile, they know they’re okay. And so it goes. As they age up, they continue to open the door wider, knowing we are on their side and believing in them, as we give them larger and larger boundaries—a fenced-in backyard to keep them safe, then more freedom in the neighborhood, and eventually, the world. Our job is to teach our children how to learn, grow, and cope, independently.
Self-worth has its roots in intrinsic motivation which, as I wrote earlier, is at the foundation of the work we do as parents. We want our preschoolers to want to learn about something from within. We want our preschoolers to feel a sense of accomplishment from within. We want our preschoolers to have a sense of themselves and a sense of self-worth from within and not from outside sources. And this is the problem with false accolades, celebrations with no meaning, and trophies where, instead of celebrating an actual accomplishment, we are celebrating something that took no effort and is therefore undermining our child’s intrinsic motivation.
THE PROBLEM WITH EFFORTLESS TROPHIES
As parents and caregivers, we want our preschoolers to have high self-worth and feel good about themselves, in large part because children with high self-worth do better in school and ultimately in life, as do kids who are optimistic and those who can tap into their higher-order thinking skills. When we make efforts to boost our child’s self-worth, we’re doing so with the hope that we’ll encourage them to walk taller, try harder, and achieve more because we know they’re capable of doing so. However, according to Dr. Leonard Sax, a physician and author of numerous books including The Collapse of Parenting, in an attempt to ensure their child reaps all the benefits of having high self-worth, many parents attempt to boost their child’s esteem in everything they do, which may actually result in a negative outcome.4
As parents, we often commend the effort and accomplishments of our preschoolers, such as saying “Good job” when they learn how to tie their shoes or (in my case) saying “Yay!” after they count to ten. But then, according to Dr. Sax, many of us take it too far, praising our kids for just showing up, a.k.a. something they had no control over, whatsoever. It’s like saying “Good job!” as a reaction to their waking up in the morning.
Dr. Sax says, “In the 2000s, when psychologists such as Dr. Roy Baumeister and Jean Twenge took a closer look at it all, it became clear that simply inflating self-worth, without kids actually earning the trophy (i.e., without trying), doesn’t lead to better outcomes. It leads to narcissism and a bloated sense of entitlement.”
Just as we nurture a growth mindset, building self-worth in a healthy way with the ultimate goal of mastery and independence happens through acknowledging the effort. Oh, and in case you’re wondering, I do not equate saying “thank you” to our kids when they do things like help to clean up after dinner with giving them a “trophy” just for doing what they need to do. In my view, by saying thank you in this circumstance, I’m acknowledging the positive, just as I would if a friend came to dinner and helped out. They both deserve the same response—a smile and a thank you.
When celebrating our preschooler, we want to acknowledge her effort and encourage her sense of intrinsic motivation by emphasizing her actions and hard work. Instead of making general statements, it’s better to make specific, detailed statements that show we’re listening, paying attention, and focusing on our kids. We want to be as specific as possible, using descriptive language. Instead of “I love your painting,” we talk about what we love about the painting. “I love your use of color and the size of those snowflakes!”
Our actions speak volumes as well. When we remember to make their favorite snack after school without them asking or we’re on time to pick them up from a playdate, we are celebrating them. When we sit down to have a meal with them and give them our focused attention, we are celebrating them. When we give them a hug or take them with us on an errand and include them in what we are doing, we are celebrating them. Our actions and our words are equally important in boosting their self-worth.
We can do this every day, in little ways, by:
• showing them unconditional support;
• showing them how much we love them with our actions (what we remember, what we do, how much we listen, how we look at them, how we talk with respect);
• letting them learn by allowing them to try, fail, and try again;
• supporting their efforts unconditionally;
• celebrating their accomplishments; and
• acknowledging their hard work.
In “interactive” television, where we are breaking the fourth wall and our hosts or characters are looking directly at the preschoolers at home—eye to eye—we’re creating a bond. This “interactive” format also gives preschoolers a way to practice active listening by looking into the eyes of our host. But beyond that, this bond can form the basis for our characters to reach out and guide the preschoolers at home and celebrate them for who they are, remind them that there is no one in the world exactly like them, and reinforce the message that they are special.
Powerful messages like these were the cornerstone of Mister Rogers’ Neighborhood. And actually, Fred’s frequent use of the word special in relation to his audience has gotten lots of flack in recent years. Critics say he used the word indiscriminately, neglecting to tie it to any sort of effort, and that as a result, a whole generation of kids grew up feeling entitled.5
But what Fred was actually doing was modeling the way we want to boost self-worth in our own kids. If you go back and look at old episodes, you’ll see that he first Pauses as he talks directly to the camera, emulating active listening. He empowers the preschool audience by being the calm, kind, and trusted guide who spends time and “visits” with his preschool friends every day. And he interacts with the home audience by speaking to them with respect, explaining things to them, and asking for their point of view. Fred believed that if he looked through the camera directly, he could make a difference in at least one child’s life by letting them know they are “special” and have value and worth just the way they are. In today’s terms, he was saying “You be you.”
Because preschoolers don’t differentiate between media and real life, Mister Rogers was being at least one person in their lives who believed in them. For me, personally? He told me just what I needed to hear as a preschooler. And in reality, the generation raised on Mister Rogers is my generation—today’s parents. A generation that the Wall Street Journal article referred to as the “most educated and the most child-centered.” So, we don’t need to blame Mister Rogers—we need to thank him for helping raise a generation of smart parents who respect kids as much as he did.
On my shows—which, as you know, have been deeply inspired by Mister Rogers—I create many opportunities for our characters to say kind, empathetic, and loving words to their “friends” on the other side of the camera. For instance, to acknowledge the audience’s interactions in our games and their help in finding and solving Blue’s Clues, Steve, and later Joe, lean in, look directly at the preschooler at home, and say, “You sure are smart!” By doing so, we are not only celebrating—we’re praising their effort as they practice their problem-solving skills.
Likewise, Daniel Tiger looks directly into the camera and gives the home viewer an Eskimo kiss, saying “ugga mugga” at the end of every episode (which means, “I love you”). Super Why celebrates at the end of every show by singing our song, “Hip Hip Hurray! The Super Readers saved the day!”
On our episodes, we’ve celebrated everything from losing a tooth, riding a bicycle for the first time, and jumping in a puddle to making a snowman, learning how to ice skate, baking a cake, and even drawing a picture to make Dad happy. Celebrating these small events shows how little things can have a big impact and reinforce the idea that what our preschoolers do is important and meaningful.
So . . . the big question for parents becomes: How do we celebrate our preschooler’s accomplishments without going overboard? We can do so through celebrating milestones, transitions, and family traditions in our own unique, fun, preschool-appropriate way.
When we’re raising children, we hear a lot about the idea of “milestones,” or significant stages in the lives of our children. But when you think about it, milestones are really just an optimist’s version of transitions. And all transitions—going back to school, losing a tooth, learning to read, going on vacation for the first time, even the first snowfall—can be embraced and celebrated in different ways. As I wrote earlier, transitioning from Steve to Joe was a transition for us, but it was also a transition and a milestone for our preschool home viewers. The key was handling it with optimism and positivity.
Here are a few other examples of milestones and transitions that might resonate with you and your family:
• A New Baby: Because preschoolers are inherently curious, when it comes to big events or changes in our families, they want to be in the know. To celebrate and acknowledge our preschoolers’ experience, we can lean into their natural curiosity by giving them some control and power over their world. For example, when a new baby is born, we can have our preschoolers help set up the baby’s room, go through their personal “baby” things and make a pile for the new baby, and even help to name him or her. Of course we, as the adults and caregivers, ultimately maintain all the control, but making our children feel a part of the process will help them with this transition that is definitely cause for celebration—a new baby in the family!
• A New Babysitter: In many ways, when Joe replaced Steve on Blue’s Clues, he essentially became a new “babysitter” in Blue’s life, and we treated the transition as such, with a celebratory flair. We can do the same at home when we invite someone new into our lives to take care of and spend time with our preschoolers. We want to ensure our children feel comfortable, safe, and secure with them, show them the new babysitter knows how to play (a.k.a. that they speak fluent “preschool”), and make sure they see that we, as their parents and caregivers, trust this new presence in their lives.
• Going Back to School: There are many opportunities for little celebrations tied to this rite of passage. Even the simple act of going to the store to pick out school supplies can be a celebration in and of itself, as most preschoolers love to do it. We can also get them actively involved and build up the excitement surrounding this annual celebration by having them pack their own backpack, pack their own lunch, make a new school schedule, and/or set up a special “schoolwork” area. Pro Tip: To help with angst over what to wear on the first day, I used to set out two outfits, giving my girls the choice between the two—control and choice, but with boundaries.
• Losing a Tooth: While we all know that losing teeth is a big deal, no matter when it happens, the truth is, preschoolers can sometimes feel “out of control” when a tooth is lost. They may even worry that all of their teeth will come tumbling out. I remember that my girls felt funny about giving away their first tooth to the Tooth Fairy—after all, it was part of them, and so they wanted to keep it. We let that be their choice, and so they wrote a letter to the Tooth Fairy explaining that they wanted to keep their tiny baby tooth.
In my family, we had a silly, celebratory tradition whereby we gave names to our girls’ two front teeth when they came out, based on where we were when the big event happened. We started this tradition due to the circumstances surrounding Hope’s first lost tooth. We were on our way for our first big family vacation when her front tooth was suddenly very loose. She had been playing with it for so long, we weren’t thinking it was actually going to come out anytime soon. But there, while waiting on the check-in line for Jet Blue with tickets in hand and luggage half-checked, was Hope’s bloody smile as she grinned from ear to ear holding her first lost tooth. A milestone! A mess! A wrong time! How could we mark this moment and quickly? We all smiled, cheered (even the woman checking us in; Jet Blue is so great!), and we named her tooth as I wrapped it up in a tissue (and cleaned her mouth). We appointed it Turks! Funnily enough, she ended up losing Caicos! after biting into a hamburger at lunch the next day. Little Ella loved this aspect of the milestone, and like any little sister, couldn’t wait for her turn. So, at five (a year earlier than Hope; sisters can be so competitive!), Ella lost New York! Two days later, out came New Jersey! (Less exotic, but exciting nonetheless.)
Celebrations can also come into play as our family traditions. Ours range from heart-shaped pizza on Valentine’s Day, Sunday-night family pasta dinners, and fondue on birthdays to impromptu pajama days and biscuits on Christmas morning. But what the traditions are about isn’t what matters—it’s the fact that they are repeated and that they are yours. They don’t even have to be repeated over and over—we just want to mark them as special. Here are a few ideas to add to your mix:
• Family game nights
• Meatball throw-down
• Making a family project (quilt, scrapbook, vision boards, craft projects)
• Buying a small trinket to collect from every vacation
• Making hot chocolate on the first day of winter
Angela’s Clues
There is a reason that every one of my preschool shows ends in a celebration of sorts. From closing celebration songs like “We Just Figured Out Blue’s Clues” and “Hip Hip Hooray, the Super Readers Saved the Day,” to a celebratory “Ugga Mugga” Eskimo kiss, I believe in celebrating the accomplishments of our preschoolers as they learn, grow, and actively help my characters. Again, I’m not suggesting kids get a trophy just for showing up, but I am saying that a hug and an affirming smile or a song will go a long way in building our preschoolers’ self-worth as they explore, discover, and learn.
We families are so busy juggling work, family, school, and our kids’ activities, that sometimes we forget to slow down and celebrate. I’ve found myself rushing out the door on a holiday only to forget to stop for a moment to take a family photo—a small way to celebrate and capture a milestone forever. Taking a Pause to do so says that this moment in time is important—important enough to document as a celebration of your family—even if it means you are a few minutes late to the Thanksgiving dinner.
At the end of the day, we want our family to be a “circle of trust”—the one place where our kids know they can go for understanding, caring, kindness, and a big celebratory hug. Even if no one else is excited about their mastering the piano piece they’ve been working on or finishing reading their very first chapter book, our children will know that their family is always there to Pause, ask questions, empower, and celebrate.
• Be Involved and Pause, empower, and interact to support your child’s development of learned optimism.
• Ask Questions about your preschooler’s work and accomplishments versus praising the outcome.
• See the Spark and watch your preschooler’s eyes light up when you include them and celebrate the little things.
YOUR MEDIA “YES” LIST
The storylines and characters celebrate and affirm preschoolers’ self-worth.
The celebrations aren’t overly “big” or lavish.
The show models acknowledging effort, not outcome.
My child feels celebrated and feels good about herself after watching the show.
Clue Takeaways
• Our preschoolers’ firsts may seem small or insignificant to us, but to them they are big accomplishments.
• We can help children develop learned optimism by teaching them how to “focus on the good parts.”
• Our goal is to foster our child’s self-worth in a way that also builds his intrinsic motivation (in other words, celebrate their effort).
• We can celebrate preschoolers every day by showing them we’re listening, paying attention, and focused on them.
• There is much to be gained by celebrating the little things every day, embracing our preschoolers’ milestones, and starting (and keeping) fun family traditions.