Oh God, she was absolutely mortified. Close to fatal-level embarrassment. Even the brooding Irish guy on her right was feeling the need to be nice to her and he hadn’t even seen the extent of what had just happened. God knows what Dev and Bernadette were thinking. She couldn’t look at them. She didn’t want to see the shock that was bound to be there. Maybe disgust too. If there was another empty seat on this plane, she was going to find it, so she didn’t need to spend the next… she did a quick calculation… eight hours burning with shame.
Her mind rewound to the start, trying to suss what had gone wrong and what she could have done differently. She’d been deep in conversation with Dev and Bernadette, listening to Bernadette’s story about how her friend, Sarah, had to cry off at the last minute this morning, and how she’d decided she was just going to come on her own. Hayley totally respected that. ‘Well, I’m so glad you came, because it’s been lovely to meet you. I used to fly solo all the time and I loved it,’ she’d said wistfully. ‘The great thing about travelling alone is that sometimes you meet really lovely people like you, Bernadette. And you know, weirdos too, like aspiring novelists who are off chasing after a one-night stand.’
‘They’re the worst kind,’ Dev had nodded, completely deadpan, making the two women dissolve into laughter.
Hayley had nudged him with her shoulder, which seemed like a very overfamiliar thing to do to a guy she met an hour ago, yet strangely not overfamiliar at all. They’d been chatting constantly for an hour and a half and he was just one of those very likeable guys who put you at ease the moment you met him. No wonder Chastity… no, not Chastity. Was it Cherry? Cheryl! That was it. No wonder Cheryl had fallen in his lap and decided to stay there. If Hayley had been a single woman, she might have done the same.
‘Hayley.’ The oh-too-recognisable voice had come from the other side of her, from the space vacated by the jeans and boots guy who had disappeared right after the drinks had been served. It wasn’t a friendly greeting. Or a warm one. If it was a perfume, it would be full-bodied disapproval with top notes of irritation and ire.
Both Bernadette and Dev had stopped speaking as Lucas sat down in the empty seat on the other side of her.
‘Someone was sitting there,’ she’d said weakly.
Lucas had acted like she hadn’t said a word. ‘What the hell are you doing?’ he’d hissed under his breath, but she’d had a horrible feeling that Dev and Bernadette could hear him.
‘I’m talking to the nice people in the row beside me. You know, the ones who didn’t upgrade to business class and leave me to fly alone like a total chump.’ She was provoking him and she knew it, but he bloody deserved it. And if he was any kind of decent guy, he’d have a sense of humour about the whole thing and recognise that a bit of gentle ribbing was in order for doing that to her.
Unfortunately, he wasn’t in the ‘decent guy’ frame of mind. Not exactly a shocker, these days.
‘For fuck’s sake, how much have you had to drink?’
Okay, so right then she should have pacified him. Gone full-scale submissive and acknowledged that she shouldn’t be drinking. Unfortunately, though, her submissive genes had strapped on armbands and were busy having a wee swim in her last glass of bubbly.
‘No, no, no, you don’t get to do that,’ she’d whispered. ‘You don’t get to desert me, then come back here and tell me what I should be doing. I’m a grown bloody woman, Lucas. Go back to business class and have another canapé.’
She had no idea if they were even serving canapés up there, but in her head that had seemed like a perfectly logical thing to say.
‘Christ, you’re an embarrassment.’
The harshness of his words had made her reel back as if she’d been slapped. Not that he had ever laid a finger on her and she was certain that he never would. That didn’t take away the sting of the last attack though. Maybe it was the altitude, or the vino, but for once she couldn’t let his rudeness lie.
‘Well, my new friends don’t seem to think I’m an embarrassment. And if you’re up there in another cabin, you can pretend that I’m not back here, shaming you. You know Lucas, I’m doing nothing wrong. I’m having a couple of drinks on the first day of my holiday. Don’t you remember when we got completely plastered on cheap cocktails on our first day in Bangkok? Or when we had a few too many tequilas in Mexico? You used to think it was fun to have a drink or two on holiday. I don’t see what’s changed.’
‘What’s changed is that back then we were barely adults…’ His voice was still low, and she’d prayed again that no one else could hear. ‘And what’s also changed is that you have a medical issue and drinking doesn’t help that.’
A medical issue. Had he really just said that? Why didn’t he just shout it to the entire bloody plane – hey, my name is Lucas and my wife’s fricking lady bits don’t work.
She’d fought to keep some semblance of calm dignity.
‘It’s one day, Lucas. One day out of a whole year of nothing. And I’ve had a few small glasses of wine, it’s not like I’m mainlining vodka straight into my veins. But look, if it makes you happy, I won’t have any more.’
She’d meant it. Before today, it had been over a year, maybe even two, since she’d had a drink and it honestly hadn’t bothered her. All that had mattered in that time was trying to get pregnant. One IVF cycle after another. Endless rounds of fertility drugs to stimulate her ovaries. Disappointment after disappointment. The irony was, the occasional glass of wine would probably have helped to deal with all that, but she’d been so hopeful, so determined not to disappoint him, so absolutely desperate to get pregnant, that she hadn’t even considered it.
‘Yes. It will make me happy.’ His words had shot out like bullets, and she’d seriously doubted that anything could make him happy right then. What had happened to him? Where was the man that she married? Or the man she thought she’d married? ‘Don’t have any more,’ he’d added, like a father telling his kid to lay off the jelly beans.
That should have been the end of it. She should have left it there. But there was something in his tone that had really irritated her and before she could stop herself, she’d murmured a defiant, ‘Or what?’
He’d been starting to get up, but now he’d reversed that action and swung to face her. ‘What did you just say?’
‘I said, or what? Will I be grounded? Have my allowance taken away? Only I don’t get an allowance because I’m a fully-fledged adult who is more than capable of making her own decisions.’ Oh bollocks, this was getting worse. What was she doing? She never fought with him like this. In all honesty, she’d decided years ago that it just wasn’t worth it. It was so much easier to keep the peace. Especially when the thing that caused the most friction between them – just like today – was her inability to get pregnant and that was her fault.
To make matters worse, not only was she arguing with him, but she was doing it in a public place, something she hadn’t done since she’d tossed her engagement ring back at him after a dinner at his parents’ house where he’d acted like a possessive dick, accusing her of making eyes at his brother. It was ridiculous. She’d just been nervous and his brother, Ralf, was being kind to her, so she’d found him easy to talk to. On that occasion, she’d quietly left the house and he’d chased after her, apologising profusely and swearing it would never happen again. Since then, any disputes had been behind closed doors and just a raised eyebrow of warning from him was enough to make her clamp her mouth shut in company.
Well, today she wasn’t clamping. And the fury in his eyes had told her that he wasn’t thrilled with that line of action.
He’d bit back at her, still keeping his voice low. ‘What the hell has got into you? You’re being totally fucking irrational.’
Behind her, she’d heard a sharp intake of breath, which pretty much ruled out her hope that her fellow row-mates couldn’t overhear their discussion. She wasn’t sure, but it sounded like it had come from Bernadette.
‘Where has all this attitude come from? Is it because you’re getting a bit of attention? Are you flirting? Is that it? Are you flirting with the guy next to you?’
Hayley had felt a red rash of embarrassment creep up her neck and conceded defeat. Kill me. Kill me now. The whole ‘flirting with other people’ thing wasn’t new either. Ironic, considering he was the one that metaphorically charmed the knickers off everyone he met.
This couldn’t go on. It had to stop. It was going to make everyone around her feel so uncomfortable and they weren’t going to be able to look her in the eye for the rest of the flight. Yet still she’d felt the need to stand up to him. She was having an out-of-body experience and both bodies were pissed off with him and refusing to take his nonsense.
Before she could say anything else, though, it had taken a turn for the worse and the Irish bloke had returned to reclaim his seat. For a split second, she’d hoped that he’d punch Lucas in the face for being an arrogant prick to him, but he didn’t show even a hint of aggression, just acted like he couldn’t care less. That probably annoyed Lucas even more.
The flight attendant wasn’t so amenable. Hayley wished she had a fraction of the woman’s grit. She hadn’t even hesitated to over-rule his objections and dispatch Lucas back to his seat. He was probably sitting up in business class now, fuming over that canapé. Anyway, with Lucas removed, Tadgh had sat back down and she’d had to confess that Lucas was actually her husband. As the kids in her first-year drama class would say, she was pure morto.
Now she was left sitting beside three people who probably thought she was a complete idiot at best, and certifiable at worst. This plane was starting to feel way too small and way too claustrophobic. There wasn’t even an option to escape to the toilets, because she was terrified of Marian the Scary Flight Attendant returning and putting her right back in her place.
It took Hayley a few moments before she could even flick her eyes to her right, and when she did, Tadgh caught her glance and returned it with something approaching a half-smile. It was probably just his way of masking his terror at being sat next to an unhinged woman. Whatever the reason, though, he should do that smile thing more often, because it suited him.
She flicked her gaze to the left this time and saw that Dev had earphones in now, and his eyes were closed. She sent up a silent prayer that he’d put those in the second Lucas sat down and he hadn’t heard a word of their conversation. Or maybe he’d put them in afterwards, because he thought she was pathetic and didn’t want to make conversation any more. The thought made her cheeks burn, but she told herself that at least he’d have another chapter for his book.
That’s when her gaze went past Dev and locked on Bernadette’s and the other woman regarded her with an expression of so much compassion that Hayley almost burst into tears.
‘I used to know someone just like him,’ Bernadette confessed.
‘Really?’ Hayley’s voice was shaky with emotion. ‘How did you handle it?’
‘That’s a long story. I think before we go there, I’m going to need another drink.’
Hayley smiled, a little emboldened by the other woman’s empathy. ‘Make it two.’