Me: yo
Me: r u there?
Me: i feel empty and worthless :(
Higher self: i kno
Higher self: u only come 2 me when u feel shitty
Higher self: u don’t rly love me
Higher self: jk
Me: i feel like i’m not ok
Me: i feel like i’m not good
Higher self: gurl u r good
Higher self: u contain -------> infinite goodness
Me: idk
Me: i feel like plants, babies, trees, the ocean, animals, and the moon don’t like me
Me: like they r talking shit or something
Me: like they can see through me and kno that i am fundamentally fucked
Higher self: ok u need 2 chill the fuck out. u need 2 sit still. u r already in the light and u don’t even see it. u need 2 start sexting the light bb. send nudes 2 the light
Me: but i feel like my darkness makes me cool
Me: what if i fall in love w the light and then other ppl judge me? what if i get left alone w the light?
Higher self: being left alone w the light is the shit tho
Me: what if i get addicted to the light?
Higher self: guuuuuurl
Higher self: u have already gotten addicted 2 so much shit
Higher self: how much shit have u already gotten addicted 2 on earth?
Me: omg so much shit
Higher self: shld we go thru the list?
Me: lol no
Higher self: so maybe getting addicted 2 the light will be good addiction
Higher self: i think u will love the light! i think u have been looking for it everywhere
Me: ok. and then what happens?
Higher self: rehab!!!
Higher self: jk
Higher self: i think u cld find some freedom in it
Me: i’m scared of it
Me: i’m scared that i will disappear
Me: like, how will i know who i am if i am not measuring myself against something outside me or whatev? it will all feel so bottomless and infinite. i’m ttly scared of the infinite.
Higher self: yeah the infinite is a freakshow
Higher self: u r a bad bitch who is scared of the infinite
Me: i’m a bad bitch who is scared of being alive
Me: i’m also a bad bitch who is scared of dying
Me: i feel like yoga teachers are always like “focus on the breath” but when you’re dying you don’t even have your breath so if you spent your whole life focusing on your breath you’re kind of fucked
Me: i think what i’m most scared of is suffocating
Me: one time when i was young i was chewing a big piece of watermelon gum and the gum formed a lot of spit in my mouth and i accidentally inhaled the spit and couldn’t breathe and was def choking because i couldn’t cough or speak and was PETRIFIED but somehow i managed to get my air back, but like then i went to go see the movie Home Alone and the whole time at the movie theater i kept “testing” to see if i could breathe
Higher self: i kno, i wuz there
Higher self: cld u breathe?
Me: yeah
Me: but in the dark movie theater i wondered if i was in hell
Me: and every day since then i feel like i have just been testing to see if i can still breathe
Higher self: but u r still breathing, bitch
Me: yeah, but one day, the breathing really is going to stop and that is what I am scared of
Me: like, i think i am most scared of the panic i will feel when i can’t breathe
Me: those moments right b4 death
Higher self: cool, i think u shld spend the rest of yr life worrying abt it
Me: :(
Higher self: actually i’m serious
Higher self: i think u don’t think abt death enuff
Higher self: i think u think abt death but u don’t fully *know* that u r going 2 die
Higher self: because there is no way that someone who knows they r going to die wld obsess abt the bullshit that u do
Me: can u rly *know* u r going 2 die and not be paralyzed?
Higher self: idk
Higher self: we cld try?
Higher self: i mean, you’re going to die anyway so might as well
Higher self: whatev u r doing now isn’t working
Me: yeah
Higher self: like, if we know one thing it’s that u r definitely going to die
Higher self: so maybe it’s time 2 stop worrying about bullshit
Me: but i luv bullshit
Me: bullshit makes me feel so safe
Me: like, recently i had a really bad panic attack abt capitalism and how my american lifestyle def causes suffering 4 others—humans and animals—and how i don’t live up to my own consciousness of how i shld be living. like, i’m not vegan anymore so i’m evil. definitely. but then all of the chemicals that the panic attack released in my nervous system left me unhinged the following day and what did i do? i went out and bought a bunch of (definitely not vegan/probably made in factories with not-great working conditions) stuff from nike to try to “rig up” my feels, because buying shit sometimes works—even tho this was the exact cause of my meltdown and is thus hypocritical. it makes no sense but it kind of worked. like, i’d literally been wearing the same leggings with holes in the vagina for four years and my sports bras were just my tits dangling out the bottom. so i got new sports bras and leggings. and i felt good for two seconds. but then i was like, fuck, i can’t wear my new leggings with these old socks and sneakers. my toe is literally sticking out of my sneaker because the sneaker has a hole by the toe and all of the socks have holes in the same exact place. so then i started obsessing about that, but no longer felt unhinged about existential doom or how awful i am in a macrocosmic way. so i think i find obsessing abt bullshit preferable.
Higher self: tl;dr
Higher self: jk
Higher self: it seems like u r scared of containing multitudes, tbh
Higher self: like, why does it have to be all or nothing? why r u just str8 up good or str8 up evil? what if u r a v loveable douchebag? what if u r a heavenly asshole? what if u r a destructive beautiful person?
Me: idk
Me: am i allowed 2 be good and evil at the same time?
Higher self: look around, bb. that’s all there is.