What is it about this woman that turns me inside out whenever I think of her? You’d presume after all this time I’d be over her. I thought I was, when I met Kelsey and married her. I was the best husband I could be, but there was always a piece of my heart she didn’t get. It was the piece that belonged to Haven...and it always will. She broke my heart when she left years ago and it took me a long time to get over it. There was a time I thought I never would. That was before Kelsey Thomas stepped into my life and taught me to love again; to smile and breathe without pain and I adored her for it. Having Amelia is just a constant reminder of her sweet mother and that’s who I need to be concentrating on right now. My little girl is my life and nothing and nobody is more important than her...not even the blue-eyed, dark haired beauty that I’ve never been able to stop loving, despite my marriage.

As soon as I saw her again in the café I knew that I’d never be over her. All of the old feelings came to the surface and it was all I could do to contain them. Seeing Micah in the shop like that...as if he had every right to be there, nearly caused me to turn into a snarling raving lunatic. I can’t believe she went on a date with him, but I remind myself that she doesn’t know what he’s like. He’s a player who doesn’t believe in relationships, only one night stands, and I can’t imagine Haven agreeing to that. Her DNA demands a relationship, and a strong one because she’s such a strong woman. I’ve always admired that about her. Even when she left to move to Melbourne, I knew she’d be fine. She’s fiercely independent and stubborn, knows what she wants and will do anything to make it happen. When she decided she wanted to be a model I knew right then she would leave me, but I honestly never expected that she’d be gone for so long. Once I realized she wasn’t coming back, Kelsey was there and we fell in love.

I wait for them to arrive as Milly has her afternoon nap. She had given up sleeping during the day but now that she goes to day-care a few days a week she needs a sleep on the weekend to recover. My old dog Bart, a blue cattle dog, lays beside my chair snoring loudly, and farting louder. This dog’s getting worse as he gets older, I think to myself, shaking my head with a smile. It’s a family joke that nobody can compete with Bart when it comes to flatulence.

Hearing a truck pull into the driveway I make my way over to it and open the passenger side door for Haven and pull her in for a quick hug before stepping over to greet Luke with a handshake and man hug/backslap.

“Milly’s still asleep but we can sit in the shade on the porch or go inside if it’s too hot for you.” I offer, leading the way to the back porch.

“Porch is fine. If we get hot, we can go and jump into that amazing pool. Dalton its huge!” she says with a smile.

“Sure is Mate. Did you plan on having water polo competitions in it? Is there a reason it’s so large?” Luke asks as I hand him a cold beer.

“Figured if I was gonna go to all the trouble to put in a pool then I’d better make it worthwhile. This way we can still use it when Milly’s grown up and wants to have all her friends over. I can keep an eye on them if they’re here...there’s a method in my madness.” I tell them with a smirk. “What’s that saying? Keep your friends close but your enemies closer? Those bloody teenage boys will be my enemies for sure, so this way I can keep an eye on her and her friends while they still have fun, and I know where she is and who she’s with.”

Haven laughs at me as she glances over to the pool and back again to lock eyes with mine. “You’ve really thought hard about this haven’t you?”

“Too bloody right I have! That baby girl is my world and I’ll do whatever it takes to protect her...especially from teenage boys. I still remember what it’s like to be one, I know how they think, and act. No 16-year-old hormone soaked dickhead is gonna get anywhere near my Milly.” I tell them seriously.

“Dude. I’m so looking forward to her teenage years right now, you wouldn’t believe it!” Luke says with a smirk, lifting his beer to his mouth.

“I’m bloody not!” I growl, as they both burst out laughing loudly.

Milly wakes just as we decide to go for a swim. The heat of the day is getting oppressive so I help her get changed into her swimsuit while Haven gets into hers in the spare room. I can’t help but glance at the closed door and wonder what she’s doing in there right now. Is she naked? Topless? The memory of her naked forces itself into my head and I shut my eyes to savour it while it lasts. When she finally emerges in a brief bikini I can barely keep my eyes off her. We play around in the pool with Milly for a few hours till the burn goes from the sun.

It’s rare for me to have a day off from farm work. There’s always something that needs attending to and today is no different. I ride the 4 wheeler with Milly on the front and Haven behind me as I go and check the pregnant ewes. I’m conscious of her body against mine as she moves closer and hugs me from behind, occasionally moving her hand up to tickle Milly’s neck which sends her into fits of laughter. It takes a while to get to the paddock, mainly because I’m driving slower than I ever have before, trying to prolong the journey and the warmth of her body wrapped around mine.

We find a lamb that’s been abandoned by its mother and I scoop it up as it bleats for its mother loudly. If I thought the drive out there was slow then the drive back is even slower with the lamb spread-eagled over Milly who’s trying to keep it quiet and calm with little success. I feel arms unwrap from around me and reach forward to help steady the baby as it protests its hunger.

As soon as we get into the shed I wait for Haven to get off and I carefully put the lamb into a yard that has a little shelter in it and it continues to make an unholy racket until we make up the lambs milk substitute and feed it. Milly loves this particular chore so it’s always her job to feed and care for the lambs. This won’t be the last one unfortunately and Milly knows that as soon as they’re big enough they go back with the others. Once the lamb is fed and settled I start cooking as Luke assists with supervising and the girls set the table on the porch. Haven knows where everything is in the kitchen as she almost lived here as a teen, so it doesn’t take her long to get it organized with Milly’s help.

To say that I had a great day is an understatement. I can’t remember the last time I was so relaxed and enjoyed myself. Luke and Haven are very similar in their personalities. Both are driven by ambition, but happy to sit back and enjoy their time off as I am. A couple of times I’ve glanced up to meet turquoise blue eyes smiling at me for no reason and my body responded instantly. I use Milly to distract me as I run her bath and supervise as she plays in the bubbles before I wash her hair to remove all the chlorine.

Once she’s settled in bed I go back out and sit in my chair, grabbing a beer for both Luke and I on the way. I reach out to get Haven’s empty wine glass and she reacts quickly, pulling it towards her and out of my grasp. The movement means that her hands touch mine around the stem of the glass and I’m aware of the spark of electricity between us as I move my hand away.

“I’m fine thanks. I think I’ll be driving home, so I won’t have any more, but I’ll take a water if you have it?”

“You sure? I don’t mind if you want to stay. There are spare rooms for you both. Means you can have a drink and you won’t have to drive.” Suddenly the urge to have her around for longer is overwhelming. I don’t want to appear desperate but the simmering feelings I have for her have exploded into life and all I want to do is explore this woman like I used to when I was eighteen. The need to taste her lips, feel her skin on mine and her fingers through my hair is almost more than I can bare. I take some deep breaths to calm myself as I wait for her reply.

“No it’s okay, but thanks. Dad needs the truck in the morning so we have to go home...and besides...you don’t want us intruding on your weekend time with Milly.”

The thought of her in my spare room; so close but yet so far, distracts me for a moment and I nod in agreement, hardly hearing what she said. When my brain fog clears I frown, “What? No. Sorry, I didn’t mean you would be intruding...just the opposite in fact. I’d enjoy the company but if you have to go, then that’s all good. I’ll get your drink.” I say, carefully standing and hoping the darkness hides my arousal as I walk to the outside fridge and roughly pull out a bottle of water for her.

Watching the red tail lights disappear down the long driveway, reminds me of the last time she was here. It was to say goodbye before she left for Melbourne. My heart broke that day but I was determined not to show it. I wanted her to follow her dreams, but I was hoping that those dreams included me also. She did ask me to go with her but my life is the farm, not a capital city. I’d be a fish out of water. I only like the city to visit, do what I need to do and get home again quickly. Nice place to visit, but I wouldn’t want to live there. I followed her career, keeping tabs on where she was, and what she was doing. Milan, Paris, New York featured highly in her travel destinations for work and as her popularity increased so did her online profile. It was hard to get an Australian magazine that didn’t feature her in it somewhere and the internet made it easy to see her life. Paparazzi surrounded her wherever she went, and I only stopped when her colleague Ryan Richardson became a fixture in her life. When there was talk of a wedding I consciously made a vow to never look for her online again but it was hard to avoid the photos of them together.

Then I had my Kelsey to worry about. She was perfectly fine until she got pregnant and we found out about the cancer. God help me I tried to convince her to terminate the pregnancy so that she could start chemotherapy and have the surgery, but she wouldn’t hear of it. So I lost her but gained my beautiful child. The memory of standing beside her open grave holding a newborn is engraved on my mind, something I never want to do again. It was the hardest thing in the world to say goodbye to her, and my grief was all consuming for a long time. Most of Milly’s first year is a hazy memory of endless feeds, as I tried to run the farm with a baby to care for. It wasn’t until Dad came out to help again that I managed to get my life into some routine. I concentrated on Milly while Dad did the farm work and together we managed to do the bookwork at night while she slept.

As soon as I could I would take her with me in the ute, car seat snugly fitted so that we were always together, and she would watch from the high vehicle as I did what I needed to do. I invested in a baby carrier so that I could take her on the four wheeler and she loved the feel of the breeze on her face as we went and did our chores. Even in the harvester I managed to rig up a spot for her car seat so that she could be with me when I worked long hours getting the crop of wheat in. I could have hired a nanny for her but I didn’t want to miss an instant of her life. I wanted to be the one that noticed her first tooth, I wanted to be there when she took her first step or said her first word – which was Dada, by the way. Even allowing her to go to Day-care so that she could socialize with other kids her own age was difficult for me. The first few times I nearly turned back to get her instead of driving out of town to go home to work. It was hard for me to hand her over to someone else to care for, but I know it’s the best thing for her.

My restless sleep is interrupted by a noise from Amelia’s room. I’m instantly awake and striding quickly to scoop her up, soothing her with soft words as she briefly opens her eyes only to close them quickly and fall back to sleep. She’s been having nightmares lately, and even though I know it’s a normal stage of growing up, I hate that she’s scared of something I can’t fight. I’ve become accustomed to sleeping lightly so that I can get to her as soon as she whimpers when the nightmare pulls her in.

Going back to bed, I lay in the darkness, one arm behind my head as I think of the woman who I married and whom I loved with all of my heart. Her face is fading from memory and I glance over to the picture beside my bed, trying to imprint the image on my brain. I don’t want her to become a distant memory. She was my wife - my everything, for a long time. She was my daughter’s mother and I’ll be eternally grateful to her for that. She gave her life for Milly’s. Even though I couldn’t understand her opposition to the termination at the time, now I do. I was selfishly thinking only of myself, not wanting to lose her so soon after we got married. I would rather have had her with no children at the time but she knew that she wanted to do this and she also knew the consequences to her carrying a child full term. By the time she delivered Milly, the cancer was too advanced to be treated and she never regretted a moment of her pregnancy or Milly’s birth. She often told me that no matter what she had to endure – Milly was worth it. I watched my wife fade away before my eyes as the cancer took her. Even on the day she passed away she insisted on changing Milly’s diaper and feeding her – as though it was the last thing she could do for her. I placed our baby into her arms as she took her last breaths and cried when she breathed no more. From that moment on, I was determined that no matter what it took, Milly would be the priority in my life, not making money, not the farm, not even my family. Milly was the only thing that mattered to me...still is. My sole reason for living is raising her...but now...another female is taking over my thoughts...and I’m not sure that I like or want her to. I should be giving my baby girl my whole attention but instead, I’m thinking about a girl who was my first love, and should be a distant memory.