As we settle into the routine of the shop, I begin to realize that the longer I stay in Esperance, the more I don’t want to leave. I’m doubting I’ll ever go back to modelling again because I’m enjoying myself so much, just doing what I’m doing right now.

The envelope waiting when I got home looks official so I open it as I walk out to the kitchen, greeting Mum absently as I see the letterhead from the Victorian Coroner’s Office.

Reading on, I give a shocked gasp and cover my mouth as Mum turns to look at me, wondering what’s wrong.

“Haven?” She asks quickly, looking from me to the letter in my hand. “You okay luv?”

“Mum. It’s the autopsy results and the inquest findings.” I glance up with a shocked expression causing her to walk toward me and wrap an arm around my shoulders in comfort.

“You knew this day would come luvvy. What does it say? Do they know how Ryan died?”

“It says that he died from heart failure due to undiagnosed anorexia and bulimia.” I tell her, looking up with stunned eyes.

“What?? How can that be? Surely if he was anorexic you would have known. There would have been signs.”

I look up to her, my confused mind trying to make sense of the words on the page. “How could I have missed it? He was always a gym junkie but I thought it was just because he wanted to maintain his body for work. I had no idea he had crossed that line. No idea at all.”

“Anorexia? Why did I think that was mainly a female disease? I had no idea it affected men as well. Did he eat? How much was he exercising? This explains a lot. Heart attacks are common in anorexics.”

“I missed it Mum. I failed him. How could I not have noticed? He ate well, but he sometimes went to the gym twice a day. I would go for one session with him and he pushed himself hard. Often he would still be there when I had finished my workout and showered. I just thought that he was being fanatical. He weighed himself every day and if he happened to put on any weight, he would eat salads or protein drinks for a few days. I never saw it Mum. I should have seen it. I should have noticed something.” Tears stream down my face, as I break down and sob as she holds me. “It’s my fault. I should have noticed something. What kind of partner doesn’t notice something like that?”

“One who’s partner is very adept in hiding it from her.” My mother hugs me tighter for a moment, and I draw on her strength as I try to control my sobbing. “He must’ve been doing this for a long time if he had a heart attack because of it. You can’t have known. Hell, he was out of the country for most of last year. There’s no way you could have known. Don’t blame yourself. Hush now. It’s okay. It’s okay.” She says gently, as my sobs finally die down to be replaced by savage hiccups.

“I’m a bad person. I had no idea Mum. None. I should have known. I should have seen. He was my...partner...my boyfriend...my best friend. I should have noticed something in his behaviour or mannerisms. I could have prevented this.”

“Listen to me.” Mum says harshly, lifting my face to lock eyes with mine. “There is nothing you have to be sorry for...do you hear me? He was a big boy. A grown man. He knew that what he was doing was wrong but he never asked for help, from you or anyone else. You had no way of knowing what he was doing to himself. It isn’t your fault!”

“You have to say that ‘cause you’re my mother. You would have noticed if it was Dad.”

“That’s different. We see each other every day. Of course I would have noticed. You saw Ryan for a handful of days over twelve months. You aren’t psychic luv. Don’t put this on yourself. You aren’t to blame.”

Taking a deep steadying breath of air, I take in her words and let them wash over my ragged soul. “I think I need some air Mum. I’m gonna go for a walk and take some time to absorb this. Don’t bother saving me dinner. I’m fine.” I tell her as I turn to head back out the front door.

I head towards the beach, needing the solitude, and the sound of the waves breaking on the shore to comfort me. Realizing that I’m still in the stilettoes that I wore to work, I bend down to remove them once I hit the grass bordering the beach. As I lean down to unbuckle a sandal, I’m conscious of a large truck pulling to the side of the road beside me. Not wanting to speak to anyone right now, I ignore them until I hear a familiar voice saying “You’re out late tonight Haven. Everything alright?”

I raise myself as I step out of my shoe and look into the bright blue eyes that have been haunting my dreams since I got home. “Dalton.” I say in surprise. “Why are you in town? Where’s Amelia?”

“You first. What’s wrong? You’ve been crying.” He states as he gets out of the truck and walks around to stand in front of me, grabbing my shoulders gently as he does, a frown creasing his forehead. “What’s happened? Is it your Mum or Dad? Luke?”

I shake my head slowly as my chin trembles with emotion. I take in a deep breath, trying to stave off the threatening tears, but one spills over onto my cheek and he reaches up slowly, gently catching it with his thumb. The gesture results in more tears falling. A steady stream makes their way down my cheeks, as he worriedly searches my face, trying to find the cause of the tears.

“Haven? Please; tell me what’s wrong. You’re really scaring me. Aw c’mere.” He drags out the last words as he pulls me close and wraps his arms around me. I break down and sob into his t-shirt as my heart breaks again while he holds me tight. Conscious of the people passing by seeing him holding me, I draw away slightly, swiping at my eyes and nose, trying to stifle my sobs.

Finally, I can speak without sobbing as I tell him about the letter while we walk slowly down to the talcum powder sand, and out to the jetty, sitting on the edge of the old rough wooden planks.

“Haven, I know it hurts, but your Mum’s right. This isn’t your fault and at last you have some answers as to why he died so suddenly.” He reaches over to take my hand as I stare out at the dark water below us. “You have to accept that there was nothing you could do. I know it’s hard, because all you want to do is blame yourself but you can’t do that. It’s not your fault. Nothing about this is your fault. He had an illness that even he wouldn’t acknowledge. How are you expected to know what’s going on when he hid it so well?”

I take in what he says as I watch the waves hit the beach and roll out again, the movement happening over and over. There’s a long silence before I reply on a whisper, “How do I get past this Dalton? How can I accept that there was nothing I could do for him? How did you do it? Right now I just can’t accept that it wasn’t my fault. I’m blaming myself despite the fact I know deep down that in the twelve months before he died, he was home a total of about thirteen days all up. I spoke to him nearly every day, but I only saw him for a very short time. My head knows that it’s not my fault, but my heart feels like I should be punishing myself for not knowing.”

“One minute at a time. Then one hour at a time, one day at a time. At the moment you’re hurting...which is understandable. I barely remember those first weeks after Kelsey died. It’s just a blur – but it got easier as time went on. You’ll never get over losing him, but you do get to accept it in time. He was a big part of your life. It’s natural to feel the things you do, but I promise you...it does get better...in time. For now, just accept that you have an answer and keep putting one foot in front of the other.”

“I’m sorry I interrupted your evening.” I tell him as I rein in my tears, wiping my eyes with a tissue I found in my pocket. “I’m sure you had something much more interesting planned than sitting on the jetty listening to me cry my eyes out. Where is Milly by the way? And why are you in town and not home?”

“Bought Milly in to stay with Mum and Dad for a night or two. They love to have some time alone with her to spoil her rotten. They love it when she stays over, so we do this, every weekend that we can. I was just on my way home when I noticed you. So, you didn’t interrupt anything at all.” He says with a small smile in my direction.

“I feel lost...like I should know what to do and I don’t.” I tell him quietly, studying the dark waves crashing on the shore nearby.

“It’s shock Haven, and it’s perfectly normal. Do you want me to take you home?”

Without thinking about the words that fall from my mouth I look at him earnestly and say, “Yes. I want you to take me home...to yours.” I see his breath hitch as his eyes widen in surprise.

“Are you sure? Your Mum will be worried.” He says, standing quickly and pulling me up. I lean against his hard chest as I draw in the smell that emanates from him – the salt from the ocean, the smell of his cologne and that manly scent that is all Dalton. The memory of the nights I would lay in his arms and allow that smell to comfort me, fills my thoughts as we walk back to his truck and get in. “Do you want to ring your parents and let them know that you’re okay and with me?”

Pulling out my phone I send off a text to Mum and instantly get a reply saying that it’s fine and she’ll see me later.

The drive out to the farm is quiet as we both need time to process the events of tonight. I’m still having trouble wrapping my head around the results of the autopsy and wondering even harder about the decision to spend the night at the farm with Dalton.

I look over to him, his face lit up only by the dashboard lights as we leave town. “Dalton?” I ask hesitantly.

He looks over to me in question before concentrating on the road again. “You okay?” he eventually asks, glancing my way again.

I study his features in the semi darkness as it hides mine completely. His straight nose, chiseled jaw, ever present baseball cap and brilliant pale blue eyes. His features are engraved on my mind as I look forward to the darkness through the windscreen, memories cascading in my mind. Us at the senior Prom, the local footy competition each week, watching him sail the small yacht on the choppy ocean, and the two of us as we explored each other’s body for the first time and every time after that.

Before I know it, he’s helping me down from the large truck and wrapping his arm around my shoulders, leading me inside.

“Do you want a drink?” he asks, heading for the fridge.

“I’ll have a wine if you have one, otherwise a beer is fine.” I reply, as I make my way to the lounge room and sit on the large modular settee, curling my legs up under me.

Sitting beside me a few minutes later, Dalton says, “Do you want to talk about it? I mean...I’m a good listener if you need me to be.”

“I’d rather forget about it for the rest of the night, if it’s all the same with you” I say, taking my glass of red wine from him carefully.

He looks over at me as he takes a pull from his beer and says, “Okay, but know that I’m here if you need me.”

“I appreciate it Dalton, really I do, but right now I think I just need to talk about something else.”

“Right. Well...let’s change the subject then” he says thoughtfully. “Milly loved you and Luke coming out to the farm the other day. It’s all she’s been talking about all week. She wants me to invite you again, so that you can help her with her doll house.”

“Aw that’s so sweet. I’ll gladly help her with whatever she needs. She’s such a sweetheart. You’ve done a great job of raising her.”

Glancing over to me and shifting slightly so that he’s facing my direction, his knee touching me as he pulls it up, bending it across the cushion, I’m conscious of the feeling of his warmth, on this calm summer evening.

“Thanks” He says, with a small smile. “It hasn’t been a bed of roses that’s for sure, but I adore that kid with every cell in my body. She’s the best thing that’s happened to me...in a long time.” Glancing up at me as he says the last few words, I blush at the implied compliment and return his smile.

“I bet your parents spoil her rotten.” I tell him, the image of his sweet little girl forefront in my mind.

“Yeah they do, but they know the limits. They’re great with her, and she adores them completely. Sometimes I have trouble getting her home after the weekend.”

We sit in companionable silence for a while just enjoying ‘being’.