Last Summer

“Not at all,” Josh said. “You won’t even feel it.”

“That’s what they say about the first time you get fucked,” Toby replied suspiciously.

Josh smiled. He wasn’t about to tell Toby that getting his blood taken would probably hurt. The poor kid was already nervous enough. He’d even made Josh drive him to Wellfleet so that the chances of his running into someone who might recognize him were smaller. Now the two of them were sitting in the small front room of Positive Outlook, waiting for Toby’s name to be called.

“Danny?”

A woman with a clipboard was looking at them, waiting for an answer. Josh gently nudged Toby, who had apparently already forgotten the name he’d given the receptionist when they’d arrived.

“Danny. Right. That’s me,” Toby said, standing up.

“You can come with me,” the woman said.

“Come with me,” Toby said to Josh.

Josh shook his head. “I don’t like needles,” he replied.

“Please,” said Toby.

Josh thought about the first time he’d had an HIV test. He’d been a nervous wreck, even though he hadn’t really had unsafe sex with anyone and he and Doug had been using condoms at the time. He’d practically fainted with relief when the results had come back negative. He knew Toby must be terrified.

“Okay,” he said, standing up. “Let’s go.”

“I’m sorry,” the woman said when Josh attempted to follow her and Toby through the door. “Only partners are allowed in.”

“He is,” Toby said quickly. “I mean we are. Partners.” He grabbed Josh’s hand and held it tightly. “Right, honey?”

“Right,” said Josh brightly. “Sweetie.”

The woman nodded wearily and led them into another room, where a man wearing a white coat was arranging vials of blood in a tray. The woman handed him the clipboard and left, closing the door behind her.

“Okay,” the man said, looking at the clipboard. “Which one of you is Danny?”

Toby raised his hand. “That would be me,” he said.

“Have a seat,” the man said, indicating a chair beside him. “I’m Carlos.”

“Hi,” Toby said. “That’s Josh,” he added. “He’s my partner.”

Carlos nodded at Josh. “Is this your first HIV test?” he asked as he read over the paperwork Toby had filled out.

Toby nodded.

“And may I ask why you’ve decided to get tested?” Carlos inquired.

“I, um, may have been exposed to HIV,” said Toby, sounding embarrassed.

“In what way?” Carlos asked.

“Excuse me?” said Toby.

“Transfusion, IV drug use, or sex?” Carlos elaborated, as if presenting the dinner specials of the evening.

“Oh,” Toby said. “Unprotected sex.”

Carlos glanced at Josh. “With your partner?” he asked.

Toby blushed. “No,” he said. “With someone else.”

“Oral or anal?” Carlos said.

“Both,” answered Toby.

“Passive or active?”

Toby looked at Josh, who mimed fucking by sticking his finger through a hole made by his opposing thumb and forefinger.

“Oh, well, both,” Toby told Carlos.

Carlos looked at him for a moment, either in surprise or in subdued disapproval, Josh couldn’t tell which.

“You’re very young,” Carlos said. “We’re seeing a lot of guys your age and even younger getting infected. I know it seems as if AIDS has become just another disease you take a couple of pills to deal with, but it isn’t.”

“I know,” Toby said seriously. “This was an accident.”

“There are no accidents,” Carlos said as he picked up a length of rubber tubing and wrapped it around Toby’s upper arm. “There are choices. And it’s not just yourself you have to think about,” he added, nodding toward Josh. “When you engage in unprotected sex, you put all of your future partners at risk too.”

“Hey,” Josh said, annoyed by Carlos’s lecturing, “he made a mistake. You don’t need to scare him even more.”

“He should be scared,” said Carlos. “We all should.”

He ran an alcohol swab over Toby’s arm and then pressed the tip of the needle against his skin. As it slipped in, Toby winced and shut his eyes. Josh watched in horrible fascination as blood began to enter the vial attached to the other end.

“I tested positive almost fourteen years ago,” Carlos said as he watched the vial fill up. “I’ve lost thirty-eight friends and two lovers to this disease. Do you know how it feels when I see someone his age come in here testing positive after all the marches, all the funerals, all the education?”

“No,” said Josh quietly. “I don’t.”

“We all thought we were invincible,” Carlos continued. “Then we found out we weren’t. But somewhere along the line, we’ve forgotten again.”

He removed the first vial from the end of the syringe and inserted a second one. Toby’s eyes were still closed.

“I don’t mean to sound harsh,” Carlos said, his words directed at Toby. “I know how you feel. I really do. I just don’t want to bury any more friends.”

The second vial filled, Carlos removed it and slid the needle deftly out of Toby’s arm. He placed a bandage over the tiny puncture and rubbed it in place.

“How long until I can get the results?” Toby asked.

“A week,” answered Carlos. “Just call here and give them this identification number.”

“Thanks,” Toby said as he stood up.

“Here,” said Carlos, opening a drawer and reaching inside. He handed Toby several condoms. “Use them,” he said firmly as he opened the door. “And good luck.”

Toby nodded and Josh followed him out the door and back to the waiting room. When they were outside and getting into Josh’s car, Josh said, “I’m sorry he was kind of an asshole.”

“It’s okay,” said Toby. “I’d be a little ticked off if I was him too.”

“Still,” said Josh as they got in, “he shouldn’t have said those things.”

“He was right about one thing,” Toby said, buckling his seat belt. “I am scared.”

Josh turned to him. “You’re going to be fine,” he said.

Toby didn’t respond to the remark. “I don’t know why I did it,” he said instead. “It was so stupid.”

“We all do stupid things once in a while,” Josh reassured him. “Especially when it comes to guys.”

“Have you?” Toby asked.

“More times than I care to think about,” Josh told him. Like just the other night, he thought to himself.

“I think I was just trying to prove I could do it,” Toby went on. “You know, because of my parents coming here and all.”

“You don’t have to apologize,” Josh said. “You’re allowed to have sex.”

“I know,” Toby said. “But it just seemed so, I don’t know . . .”

“Sleazy?” Josh suggested. “Dirty? Bad? Wrong?”

Toby nodded. “Yeah,” he said.

“But it was also really hot, wasn’t it?” said Josh.

Toby looked at him for a moment. “Yeah,” he said. “It sort of was. I mean, I know it was dumb and everything, but there was part of me that thought it was really cool too. That’s the part I’m scared of.”

“You’re allowed to find out what you like,” said Josh carefully. “And you’re allowed to make mistakes. It’s not a crime. You just have to be careful.”

“Maybe that’s the problem,” Toby said sadly. “I don’t know what I want.”

“You and ninety-nine percent of the gay men out there,” replied Josh.

“It can’t be that bad,” said Toby.

Josh laughed. “No,” he said. “It’s not. But you will find that gay men tend to take longer to figure it out.”

“Why?”

Josh sighed. “A friend of mine says that gay men spend their twenties trying to be the guy everyone wants to fuck, their thirties being the guy everybody wants to marry, and the rest of their lives chasing after the guys in their twenties and thirties.”

“Is that what you did?” Toby asked him.

“No,” said Josh. “I got married as soon as I could so I wouldn’t have to.” He paused. “And look how well that worked out.”

“So what you’re saying is it’s hopeless,” said Toby.

“Not at all,” Josh said. “I’m just saying it’s harder. Especially at your age.”

“Gee, thanks,” Toby said.

“I’m not going to lie to you,” said Josh. “A lot of gay guys are totally fucked-up. A lot of us screw around for years because we think something better will always come along. But not all of us. If you want to find someone to settle down with, you will. You just might have to look for a while, and you might have to wait for him to grow up. In the meantime, you can have all the nasty sex you want to with couples at the B and B.”

Toby shot him a look, then started laughing. “Okay,” he said. “I get it.”

“There’s nothing wrong with having sex,” Josh said. “As long as you’re doing it because you want to and not because you’re trying to prove something. And as long as you play safe.”

“Okay, Carlos,” Toby teased. “I’ll be a good boy. No more free willy.”

“Besides,” said Josh, “if anything happened to you, Emmeline would kill you. How is she doing, by the way?”

“Okay, I guess,” Toby said. “She hasn’t said a whole lot since it happened. She’s been on the phone most of the time, trying to track down her brother and find out if her mother had a will.”

“Where did they bury her mother?”

“They didn’t,” Toby answered. “She was cremated.”

“Poor Emmeline,” said Josh. “It must be hard.”

Toby nodded. “They didn’t get along all that well,” he said. “But still—she was her mother and all.” He looked out the window and grew quiet.

“You okay?” asked Josh after they’d driven a few miles in silence.

Toby nodded. “Just thinking,” he said.

“About your mom?”

Toby nodded again but didn’t say anything.

“You know what I said earlier,” Josh said. “About maybe having to wait for the guy you’re looking for to grow up?”

Toby looked at him and nodded.

“Well, sometimes that applies to families too,” Josh said.