Hello.
There are countless ways that Your Pleasure Map could have ended up in your hands. Perhaps you’re a self-assured and sassy woman, and the idea of getting to choose your own sexual adventures appealed to you. Perhaps you’re more of a sexual newbie looking for some tips and techniques to help bring out your inner bedroom goddess. Whatever it was that made you pick up this book, rest assured that it’s for you, because you’re the one who decides how to make it work for you. You can use this book any way you want. Each chapter poses several scenarios and then gives you “pick your passion” options for different outcomes. Your Pleasure Map is designed so you can pick whatever turns you on the most and read all about it. You’ll discover creative yet practical ways to go on new adventures tailor-made to your desires. With all the options explored between these covers, you’re bound to find turn-ons that you never imagined before or that you just never really considered. You’ll also get the scoop on how to make these fantasies part of your reality.
Even though this book is a map to lead you to new frontiers, you don’t have to pick just one passion in each scenario. You may want to read this book from beginning to end, chapter after chapter, and glean from it everything you can. You may decide to read only those sections that interest you. You may find yourself reading the adventurous options aloud to your partner (or partners) and have fun and interesting conversations about how you each answered.
Why write a book for women on how to be sexually empowered? Why should there be something written specifically for women to examine their own sexuality, look at their body image, learn about anatomy, and give them ways to consider what makes them feel sexually confident?
Because of the way our society views sex, sexuality, and especially women, there aren’t a lot of opportunities for women to get real information. While there are a plethora of periodical publications that you can pick up at the checkout stand of the grocery store or access online, they tend to simply state and restate the same few tips that focus almost solely on the man’s pleasure (and they tend to be very heterocentric). If you’re lucky, you might get some form of comprehensive sex education in middle school or high school. But following graduation, you’re left to figure the rest out for yourself. Even many of the best comprehensive sexuality education programs don’t include any information on pleasure and communication, and frequently don’t even have the clitoris on the vaginal/vulvar anatomy pictures. The clitoris is a body part designed for nothing more than the sole purpose of providing pleasure (which is a pretty amazing feat in and of itself), and we as a society pretend it just flat out doesn’t exist. Then, once you turn eighteen, or you graduate high school, magically you’re now allowed to become a sexual being and are supposed to have exciting, fulfilling, and engaging sexual experiences, as well as authentic, communicative relationships. It’s a wonderful concept and a fabulous thing to aim for, but how can we all hope to attain these goals when we’ve been given no education, no guidance, and no direction on how to make these sexually satisfying and emotionally fulfilling interactions happen?
I believe that making education about sexuality and relationships for all adults accessible is so important that I decided to become a board-certified sexologist and sex educator who works specifically with adults. This book came out of the idea that sexually empowering women to have the sex lives that they want is a radical idea that can support women of all relationship statuses, orientations, ages, economic statuses, ability levels, ethnic backgrounds, races, and more.
While every adult has the right to inclusive and accessible sex education, our society is determined to undermine women’s sexuality. There’s the Madonna/Whore complex: if you don’t know enough about sex, you’re mocked as being innocent and naive, but if you have information about sex and are willing to share it, discuss it, and use it, you’re viewed as slutty, skanky, and easy.
Both of these options are unacceptable to me. Everyone should have a smorgasbord of information available to them about sexuality, and they can choose in each situation or scenario which bits and pieces they want to use. There shouldn’t be any stigma about choosing not to be sexually active, just as there shouldn’t be any stigma about possessing information on sexuality and choosing to explore and celebrate your sexuality. These binaries and stereotypes are used for nothing more than to control women and their bodies, and it needs to stop.
So read this book. Read it as part of a book club. Read it on the train (no, don’t cover up the title). Read it while you’re waiting for your kids to get out of practice. Read it at the gym. Read it on the plane. Read it in front of your partner. You should have the right to gain sexual confidence anywhere, anytime. We shouldn’t be ashamed of wanting information about sex, sexuality, relationships, bodies, communication, and more. Everyone wants this info — heck, look how popular Fifty Shades of Grey was, across generations, regions, and other different demographics. Even my mother-in-law asked me about it. If women all over the world can get their jollies reading a book about men dominating women in the bedroom, then they should also be able to read a book about empowering women sexually so that they have the sex they want to have, when they want to have it!
The full title of this book is Your Pleasure Map: A Woman’s Q&A Guide to Hotter, Naughtier, More Adventurous Sex. I have to tell you, I had some reservations about using the word naughtier. While the word has some appeal (I mean, seriously, who doesn’t want to read a book that talks about naughty sex?!), I want us to move away from the common notion of naughty sex being sex that’s anything other than penis-in-vagina, missionary-style sex, and that wanting to have fulfilling/interesting/creative sex is somehow a trait of “bad girls” and that “good girls” have to become naughty in some way to have sexually satisfying encounters. To that, I stick out my tongue (and do some licking with it).
Sex is never inherently good or bad, regardless of what sex acts you’re discussing or whom you’re doing them with. Good sex is sex that feels good, that fulfills your wants and needs, and makes you feel, well, good. Bad sex is sex that’s done because it’s what you’re “supposed” to do: it’s boring, unfulfilling, or may even feel bad.
Good girls can have good sex and bad sex, as can bad girls. And while we’re at it, let’s throw the whole concept of using the term girls to refer to adult women out the window. Of course, if being called a good girl or a bad girl helps get you off, I’m all for it. But, in general, we’re adult women; let’s stop trivializing ourselves and start being the fabulous, sassy, and sexually empowered women that we are!
That said, I’m all for hotter and more adventurous sex. That’s one of the more frequently asked questions I get — how can I make my sex life more adventurous, and how can I spice things up in the bedroom so that things are hot, hot, hot?! As you go through this book, you’ll find numerous tips, tricks, and ideas that you can integrate into your sex life, whether you’re single and searching, hot and heavy with a monogamous partner, or balancing different lovers as part of your sweltering sex life. Take the parts that seem interesting and fun; leave the ones that are not to your taste; and go forth to have interesting, exciting, and amazing sex as you feel more confident in your sexual prowess.
This book is written for women. All women. Gay, straight, lesbian, queer, bisexual, pansexual, questioning, as well as women who choose not to put labels on themselves. It’s for women whose gender has always been in line with the sex they were assigned at birth, and for women who have transitioned into their true gender. It’s for girly girls and tomboys, sporty women and butch women. It’s for soccer moms, and powerful attorneys, and those who are both. If you identify as a woman in any way, shape, or form, this book is for you. While it has information on partners — on body parts, on how to communicate, and so on, it’s for YOU, giving you the information and skills for creating the most confident and sexy-feeling you that you can be.
There’s no particular magical trick to being a sexually confident woman, no one way to show that you’re an empowered woman. You might be straight, submissive, and empowered. You might be queer, dominant, and empowered. You can be empowered wearing nothing but your birthday suit, a sexy lingerie ensemble, or your favorite sports team’s T-shirt. It’s crucial that you know that whatever being sexy and feeling empowered looks like to you, that’s exactly what you should go for.
I’ll step off my soapbox now and let you read. I hope you enjoy the book that’s before you, and that you go forth into the world, sexual superheroes, ready to share your sexual confidence with whatever partners may come your way.