Beckham
I stood outside Meadow’s door, hoping I was doing the right thing. I needed to apologize. I needed her to know that I was sorry. That I wished I had told her the truth. If she didn’t take me back, if she didn’t want me, I’d walk away. Because the error was on me.
And I had to be okay with that.
I had to be all right with walking away.
Even if I hated it.
The door opened before I could ring the bell, and she stood there, dark circles under her eyes and a shapeless sweatshirt over her body.
She looked beautiful. Stunning.
And I hoped to hell she forgave me. That she took me back. I just didn’t know if she would.
“I saw you on the security cam. Figured I’d open the door before you stood here forever.”
“I’m glad you have the security. It’s good for you.”
“I guess you knew the whole time why I have it. Didn’t you?” she asked, a little sharpness in her tone.
I deserved that. And more.
“I want to apologize.” I put my hands in my pockets as I looked at her, wanting to lower my shoulders so I didn’t feel so big.
I knew what the club guys were like. What I had been like. No. I wasn’t like them anymore. I had to remember that. And there had been worse.
Coby.
“Why don’t you come in? No use standing out on the porch where everyone can see.” She took a few steps in, and I followed her, hoping I’d figure out what to say.
I wasn’t good at groveling. I had never done it before. But I would try.
“Why didn’t you tell me?” she asked.
“Because I didn’t know how.” I sighed. “And because I was a coward. I should have told you right away that I knew who you were. But the thing was, I also wanted to know who you became. And that tripped me up. I’m sorry. I’ll always be sorry for that. There aren’t enough easy explanations to explain that away.”
“I thought I had hidden it so well. Where I came from and all of that. Because I don’t like the person I was back then.” She looked at me, and I felt a kinship there. I only hoped it was enough.
“I didn’t like the person I was either.”
“I used to laugh at the girls who came in, wanting to be on a man’s arm. Because I had mine. And that’s what I was supposed to do—laugh and make fun of them and feel superior. I was a horrible person.”
“I don’t believe that.”
She let out a laugh. “I wasn’t the worst. I never hurt anyone. I was never cruel to their faces. But I wasn’t the best person either. I’ve tried to be better since I left. I’ve tried to help anywhere I could. Bury who I became over time with the club. I thought I’d paid my penance for what I did.”
She touched the scar on her wrist, and then I remembered. I recalled the scars on her hip, the ones on her ankle.
“I don’t know everything, Meadow. I never did. Yes, I know who your dad is. And at one point, I knew you were with Coby. But I don’t know it all. I was never one of those people laughing at you from behind your back. I never knew everything. I wanted you to tell me,” I said softly.
“And you didn’t. I thought it was all behind me. I didn’t think I would ever have to think about it again. But then again, I didn’t tell you anything either.”
“If I had told you what I knew, then I would have had to tell you who I was. And I was ashamed of that.”
“My parents practically sold me to Coby,” she muttered.
My hands fisted at my sides, and I growled. “I figured. That’s how the clubs do things.”
“Well, it didn’t really work out. I got away. You saw the scars. You know who Coby was. What he was like.”
“And if I could strangle him right now, I would.”
“It wouldn’t be enough. But he’s in my past. And I’ve worked with therapists over the years to try and figure out exactly who I am. I’m not just a broken shell. I’m not the person I was. Yes, I’m quiet, but that’s because I think about what to say and how I need to be the person I am, rather than the person I was. I have all the locks and the security that I can get, but I’m not as scared as I used to be. I’m not that person anymore.”
I took a step forward unconsciously, and she didn’t pull away. I was grateful. “I’m not the same person either.”
“Will you tell me who you were?”
And so I did. I told her how I joined the club, the things I did. I told her how I left. Explained the real story behind the scars on my back. I told her everything. And then she told me about Coby. About what he had done to her, what her parents still did.
And as I watched tears fall down her face, I held everything in so I wouldn’t punch something. So I wouldn’t scream in rage at my lack of control. There was nothing I could do. All I could do was listen and hope to hell that she would be okay. I didn’t think she could forgive me. I didn’t think she could look at me like she had before.
I was a reminder of a past she had tried to run from.
Like she was my reminder.
And while I knew I wanted her at my side forever, I wasn’t sure if she wanted the same from me.
“I don’t know what to do now,” she whispered.
And then I remembered that I hadn’t done the one thing I should. What Dillon had told me to do. Grovel. So, I went down to my knees in front of her.
Her eyes widened, and she looked at me like I was crazy.
“I’m sorry. I’m so damn sorry. I’m sorry I didn’t stay in long enough to see what Coby became. I’m sorry I couldn’t save you from him.”
“That was never on your shoulders. Never your burden.”
She reached out, tracing my brow with her fingertips.
I closed my eyes and barely resisted the urge to lean in to her touch.
“But because I knew your dad, and I knew of you through him, I stayed away. I knew I needed to keep my distance.”
“But then you asked me to dance,” she whispered.
I nodded. “And it was the best moment of my life. I’m sorry I didn’t stay away.”
“I’m sorry I couldn’t do the same.”
I closed my eyes, holding back everything so I could breathe and focus. “We’re out, though, babe. And we’re always going to be.”
She looked at me then, her eyes wide.
“We’re not those people anymore. We’re allowed to move on and have a future. I want to know you. The person in front of me. I want to test the path we could have together. I want to figure out what this thing between us could be. Please, forgive me. Know that no matter what happens, I’m not the person I was before. I tried to atone for my sins, attempted to find the path that led to a salvation that I knew would never truly come. But in my heart, I hope that you’re on that road with me. Maybe not on the bike behind me because riding is such a different thing, but perhaps holding my hand as I try to figure things out.”
I snorted as I finished, shaking my head as she stood there staring.
“I was never good with poetry. But just know that I fell for you when I held you that first time. When you wore that green dress that made your eyes shine. I fell in love with you when you said yes to my request to dance, and even more when I had my lips on yours for the first time. And I’m going to love you for the rest of my life. I’ll never forgive myself for hurting you, for bringing back the past. But I know that if we try, we have a chance. There can be a future where it’s not about where we came from, or the sins we committed. But rather what we can do to atone for them. I hope you’ll be by my side as we do it. I hope you’ll forgive me.”
She was quiet for so long that I had to wonder what to do. Did I get up off my knees and walk out? Did I keep speaking? Or did I remain kneeling and stay silent?
Her hands caressed my face, and a single tear fell down her cheek.
“I didn’t know you before. But I know you now. And I think…I think we can try.”
My heart burst open, hope and pain radiating through me and twirling around like a tornado.
I could hardly breathe, barely comprehend what she’d said. Nothing had ever felt like this before. And there were no blueprints. No roadmaps for me to figure out what to say or what to do.
“I fell for you then, too. Or maybe it was when you smiled at me from behind the bar. Or when you touched my jaw to see if I was okay. I want to know who you are, too. I want to find that peace and figure out what to do. I don’t want to think about where we came from. I just want to move on. I want to figure out who we are now. And there’s nothing to forgive, Beckham. We both have our faults. It’s what we do with our lives now that matters.”
I pulled her close, put my hand on the back of her head, and tugged her lips to mine.
And when she succumbed, kissing me back, I knew that we could do this. This was the moment we would start again.
I had been taken with her all along, since the first moment I met her.
When we were two separate journeys intertwined.
We would have to figure things out, and there would be more bumps in our road.
But as she kissed me, I knew we could weather the storm.
We had each other. I had her.
The girl in the green dress with the wide eyes.
She was mine.