Eve took Jackson’s hand and he led her to the dance floor. She’d been so caught up in her own head that she hadn’t noticed others had already joined in on the first dance. Sadie’s mother and father had cut in. Hank led Mima onto the dance floor. Wade and Daisy were dancing. Lucy, with a handsome older man Eve didn’t recognize. Beau with Jolette Marie.
Eve rested a hand on each of Jackson’s broad shoulders putting a good safe two inches between them. If nothing else for the sake of appearance because after the song people were probably assuming too much.
Hands low on her waist, Jackson held her close. “Forgive me for being an idiot.”
She felt her lip curl up in a smile. “I confess my life flashed before my eyes.”
Funny how she could even joke about this kind of thing now. Maybe it was true that time healed all wounds. If so, she was on her way. A few more years and she’d find her way out of that Piggly Wiggly parking lot.
“Not funny. You know I would never hurt you.”
“I know.”
Jackson cleared his throat. “What do you think about my song?”
“It was beautiful. Lincoln and Sadie loved it. I think Sadie tried not to do the ugly cry.”
He squinted. “The ugly cry?”
“Never mind.” She shook her head.
“But what did you think about it?” He met her eyes.
“What I was thinking…I don’t know. Can we just pick up where we left off?”
“Not quite, but we can turn the page.”
“Start a new chapter?”
“Excuse me, but may I cut in?”
This was from one of the Truehart brothers. Jimmy? Jamie? Eve couldn’t recall. He was young, maybe in his early twenties. Handsome. Puffed up like a peacock with can-do attitude.
“No, you can’t,” Jackson said, and spun her away.
“Jackson.” Eve laughed. “This is a wedding. We can’t just dance with each other all night long.”
“We’ll see about that. I’m not letting you go. Not a second time.” With that, he spun them.
“Lincoln and Sadie are off to their honeymoon tomorrow.” Eve looked up, meeting his eyes. “We’re all going to have to get back to our lives. I’m going to have to go back to work. I’ve already taken too much time off and Annabeth must hate me about now.”
“I’ll be helping my dad during the day and writing songs at night.”
“I’m sure Hank is happy about that. And Lincoln ought to be relieved.”
“Maybe ranching is in my blood. Hank is right. Once a cowboy, always a cowboy.”
“Don’t let Hank’s influence do this to you. He might not respect what you do for a living but that’s no reason to change who you are.”
Jackson could never again be the same man he’d been when he left Stone Ridge. And that was okay. She wasn’t the same, either. It’s just that she wasn’t who she wanted to be while Jackson at least seemed settled.
He lowered his lips to meet hers and kissed her tenderly. For a moment, Eve’s breath hitched. A ripple of self-consciousness pulsed through her. Now everyone would know. Jackson and Eve, round two. Would she run again? Place your bets, ladies and gentlemen. It wasn’t her imagination when she received a wry look from Beulah Hayes, dancing nearby with her husband.
She was aware some didn’t think she deserved Jackson in the first place, much less his forgiveness for leaving him at the altar. She might have believed so at one time, too, but Jackson had her convinced she deserved this moment. This precious time with him.
“You too,” he said after he broke the kiss.
“Me too? What do you mean?”
“You also need to remember who you are.”
That struck her as funny coming from someone who lived in the bright lights of Nashville. From a man who had completely reinvented himself.
“I know who I am.”
“Then what happened to the girl I used to know? She was fearless. You dared me to skinny dip in the creek and joined me when I did.”
“I was seventeen years old. I’m older now.”
“Nope. Not buyin’ it. People don’t change who they are at their core.”
He’d hit a nerve. It wasn’t just intimacy with her. There were still times when she found herself afraid to speak up. She’d wanted to scold Mr. Mansfield for not calling her sooner about Holly’s colic. And even though she knew better, she’d backed down without even mentioning it to him. She hadn’t let Jolette Marie know what she really thought of her making a pass at Jackson.
It happened too much. Still, she didn’t like the knowledge that Jackson was right. It would be nice to find her fighting spirit back with others and not just with Jackson. Somehow it was easier with him. He’d been, in some ways, her safety net.
“Do you think I’m holding back from you?” She shook her head, realizing all she’d kept from him until someone else had told him. “I mean, anymore?”
“Honestly? Yeah, I do.” His voice lowered. “I understand why you might be reluctant to give us another chance. I hurt you.”
“No more than I hurt you.”
He pressed his forehead to hers. “But I also get why you might not have the kind of courage that you once did.”
The courage to fight for her patients when she knew the best course of treatment. It hurt to think that she’d been less than competent due to her own doubts and fears.
“When I’m with you, I remember who I used to be.”
“I was kind of countin’ on that.” He slid her an easy smile. “The woman you used to be was wild, carefree, strong. And mine.”
“I’m going to miss you so much,” Sadie said, wrapping her arms around Eve and squeezing.
Eve squeezed back. “It’s only a week.”
“Are you going to be alright?” Sadie met Eve’s eyes, clutching both of her hands. “Promise me that you’ll be okay.”
“Of course I’m going to be okay.”
“I mean, even if Jackson, you know…” She lowered her voice. “Even after he leaves.”
Sadie might as well have added “again.” Eve knew exactly what she meant. Poor Sadie had endured the brunt of Eve’s pain at discovering Jackson had left for Nashville the very next morning. Sad? No, not sad. She’d been inconsolable. Jackson had torn up his room? Eve had retired to hers and not left her bed for a week.
“Yes, even then.”
She decided not to add he claimed to be staying longer. That might not work out, either. She had to be ready to say goodbye at any moment. Whatever they were to each other now, it was new. No promises or firm commitments. And no intimacy for her to regret.
“Just please don’t let him go this time without laying it all out. Throw your pride out the window. If you figure out you still love him while I’m gone.”
Eve couldn’t help but smile at that. “I already figured that out.”
Sadie squeezed her again. “Don’t forget I’m only a phone call away.”
“I’m not calling you on your honeymoon. Some things are sacred.”
“You damn right,” Lincoln interjected, hauling his bride into his arms. “Say goodbye, Sadie.”
“Goodbye, everyone!” Sadie waved. “Wait! I almost forgot. The bouquet. I’m supposed to throw it to some lucky future bride.”
“Throw it, baby,” Lincoln said, not putting her down. “You have a distinct advantage from up here to go long and deep.”
“Line up, ladies!” Sadie shouted and once the crowd of women were lined up, she threw it. “Catch!”
Eve wasn’t trying to catch the bouquet, not really, but it sailed past her like a Hail Mary pass and landed right in the eager outstretched hands of one of the women from out of town.
“Woohoo!” She danced around like a receiver in the end zone making a touchdown, nearly tripping over Daisy. “I’m next! Watch out, world.”
Lincoln deposited Sadie in his truck and within minutes they drove off, waving goodbye to everyone.
“I literally always stand with my arms at my sides during these things,” Lucy said. “Once it landed right at my feet. Two women nearly headbutted each other to get to it.”
“I have never seen such a display in my life, I declare,” Mima said, shaking her head at the woman.
“Arrogance doesn’t look good on a southern woman,” Beulah added. “It’s just plain ugly.”
“Oh, I’ve seen worse,” Lucy said.
Eve fought a rising sense of panic. The wedding had taken so much of her spare time, months of it, and it was done. Mima’s cast was off and she’d go back to taking care of the ranch hands. Eve would go back to work, and she’d have to find another place to live. More changes. The same stone of anxiety she felt whenever a huge change happened lodged itself in her throat. She could almost feel her palms grow clammy. And Lord, wasn’t she sick of herself? She had to get over this. Had to move past it, but how, when shame and regret still pierced her? Logic didn’t seem to work. Words and positive affirmations lasted a short time. Going through the motions worked, but at night she had nowhere to run as thoughts chased her to bed.
I may be alone for the rest of my life.
I may never have children.
How can I love my job, love my friends and family, and hate my life?
While everyone went back inside the lodge to dance some more, Eve wandered away for a quiet moment. Maybe if she was alone, she could stop these shallow breaths. She could tamp down the anger that had suddenly resurfaced.
That bastard took my life.
I’ll never be myself again.
In the next thought, she realized that if that were the case, she’d let him win. Her life had been saved for no good reason other than possibly the health and well-being of Stone Ridge’s large animals. And that wasn’t good enough. Her work wasn’t enough. She wanted to be free again to laugh, scream, and make love without reservation. To be held by Jackson all night long with nothing but flesh between them. To feel loved and precious.
She might still be technically young, but she felt old. Washed out. Nothing left to give. She walked until she took a seat on a bench tucked beneath an oak tree nearby. Her breaths were coming short and shallow. All the effort hadn’t worked. She fought a rising tide that would surely pull her under. She wrapped her arms around her waist and bent her head. A panic attack like this one hadn’t happened to her in at least a year. She had to think calm, happy thoughts. Her happy place.
Then she looked up and Jackson was standing in front of the bench. If he’d called out to her, she hadn’t heard him. His face changed from a curious cocked head, dimples flashing, to a deep crease between his eyebrows.
“What’s wrong, baby?”
Rather than answer she bent at the waist, her breaths coming shorter. “I’m…okay.”
“You’re not,” he said sitting beside her, tugging her into his arms. “Tell me what happened. How can I fix this?”
Lord help him, he still wanted to fix everything. And that, more than anything, was what finally snapped her in half.
“No! You can’t fix this,” she wailed. “Don’t you get it? It’s too late for me.”
Every thread of emotion she’d held back since she’d decided that she wouldn’t waste any more anger rose to the surface and Eve sobbed and wailed about the unfairness of it all. She cried over how one snap decision could lead to so many painful outcomes. She cried because as long as that man was alive, she might never feel safe. She sobbed for the woman she used to be. For all the time she’d wasted.
“I want to be the woman you fell in love with. I want to be whole again, but I can’t. That Eve is gone.”
She sobbed, and cried, and Jackson just held her without saying anything at all. His hands glided up and down her spine in a comforting motion and he made soothing sounds. After a while, the panic ebbed, and as always, she felt completely drained. Exhausted.
“I’m s-sorry.”
He wiped away her tears with his thumb. “Don’t do that. Don’t be sorry. You have to know there’s nowhere I’d rather be than right here with you.”
“B-but I’m guessing you wish I hadn’t wet your shirt.”
“Big deal.” He pressed his forehead against hers. “I’ll get another one.”
“I haven’t had a p-panic attack like this for a year.”
“Then you were due.” He stood and offered his hand. “Let me get you home now and put you to bed.”
She rose and took his hand. “Is the party still going on?”
He took her hand, leading her to his truck. “When I left to find you, Hank had pulled Brenda out on the dance floor. Mima was dancing with Sadie’s father. Sadie and Linc may be gone, but the family will close the house down. No point in renting the lodge and the DJ till ten if everyone leaves early.”
“The Carvers do know how to throw a party.”
Jackson smiled. “This time, let’s leave them to figure out their way home.”