Chapter Three

Jenn

Jenn and I turned toward the park, thoughts of which turned my face bright red, with Darth pulling ahead at a brisk pace. We walked in silence for a couple blocks, waiting to get farther away from the house before talking and opening the chips to munch on as we went. Moments ago, I sat trapped in the attic, but again I fled from the house like the night before. However, I left because I promised to explain everything to Jenn. Everything. Shit.

My head spun with wanting to forget about telling her anything, to avoid reality for as long as possible, then whipped to wanting to launch into the entire story, from ghosts to being gay to Steve. Typical of her, Jenn waited and walked by my side.

“You know these crazy ghost stories we learned about?” I asked.

“Yeah.” Jenn glanced at me.

“What do you think about them?”

“Dad said it’s made up. But I’m not sure. I don’t know what to think. Kinda scary.”

“Do you think I’m crazy to think ghosts exist?”

She shrugged. “A lot of people believe in them. How could they all be nuts? I never thought about your sanity much.”

My mind froze again, but I forced myself to continue. “Okay, here goes.” I took a deep breath. “I see ghosts all the time. I don’t think I’m insane, but I know I see them.”

I waited for Jenn to speak but she walked along without a word.

“Please don’t tell Mom and Dad.” Panic set in. “I tried to tell them once, and that’s why I had to go to a counselor. I don’t know why ghosts come to me, but I see them, and I wanted to tell you. I’m so sorry. Please don’t tell them.”

Jenn reached over and touched my arm. “Stop. I won’t tell anyone. And I believe you.”

“Thanks.” I sighed with relief, then bit into a chip to stall for a moment. “So, it’s intense this time. More than ever before, and the premonitions started before we even left Colorado. I saw Gramps, or at least his ghost, at home and then again here. It’s like he wants to tell me a secret but can’t. I think he wanted us to stay in Colorado. Before I got trapped in the attic, I was up there and I saw him and Grandma.” Jenn shot me a surprised look. “I’m serious. And before, when I was going to my room, Darth and I saw the attic door open. She went nuts and ran up there. I was so creeped out. I shouldn’t have gone up there, but I had to get Darth. Next, I saw Gramps and Grandma. Or at least ghosts like them.”

Relieved at sharing my secret, the story and all the gory details flooded out.

“Oh, and get this! When Gramps appears in the transparent form, he’s always mean and young, like we’ve seen him in pictures. He circles me and laughs. Not like anything’s funny, but like a villain in a movie. I can’t even describe how pissed off he is.” I paused. “So, do you want to admit me to a mental hospital?”

Jenn laughed. “No. I believe you. Can I tell you a secret?”

“Of course.”

Jenn looked to the ground. Then she took a strand of her long, brown hair from over her shoulder and twirled the hair in her fingers. “I’ve seen stuff on TV to make me believe you and other people do see things like ghosts. Whatever you call the ability, I know you see things we can’t. Mom and Dad don’t like what you see, by the way. But you knew. They’re afraid other people will find out and think you’re strange. I never asked you about the ghosts because I didn’t want to embarrass you. But I believe you. I love you. I don’t think you’re nuts. Or at least not completely.” Jenn smiled.

I laughed at her teasing. “Thanks. I hide my sightings from everyone because they freak out if I say too much, not just Mom and Dad. I even wonder if what I see is all a make-believe land I created in my head. I was even scared to tell you.”

“Well, I like how you shared the truth with me.”

As we neared the park, enjoying the peace of being together, away from the others, Jenn glanced over, her brown eyes burning.

“What?” I asked.

“I think I’ve seen things at Gramps’s house too. I can’t tell if what I see is a ghost or my imagination, so I never thought about my visions too much. They look so real I thought for a long time the ghost was a person. It looks like one. But then I noticed it’s kind of clear, like you can see through the apparition. But I don’t know anything else about the spirit. I never see it for long—real quick here and there. A man walks down the hall, or by a door, and then disappears.”

“Why didn’t you tell me?”

She looked at me like I was an idiot. “Same reason you didn’t. I convinced myself the ghost wasn’t real, thinking my vision was me being all upset about Gramps.” Jenn shuddered so I put my arm around her and pulled her close.

“It’s okay. That’s what I see. We can deal with the situation together.”

“I can’t tell if the ghost knows I watch or see it. It never looks at me or says anything. Or is it a he instead of an it? I don’t know. But the spirit feels like he knows I’m there. He scares me.”

Her story alarmed me more than any vision I experienced, because I would be more distraught than ever if something happened to Jenn. The thing she described sounded an awful lot like the angry Gramps who yelled at me, even if he meandered around for her. Fuck. How was I going to protect her? We fell into silence again.

*

At the park, I crumpled up the empty chips bag and threw it into the garbage. “We ate half our lunch before we got here.”

Jenn and I laughed, then settled down at a picnic table to eat our sandwiches and drink our pop.

“I’m afraid,” Jenn said. “What if the ghost attacks me? What does he want?”

“Listen to me.” I swallowed a bite before talking. “I don’t think he wants to hurt you. Even the laughing ghost who seems so angry has never tried to hurt me. He dumped a bunch of boxes on me in the attic to scare me. But if the spirit had wanted to, he could have hurt me bad. I don’t know what’s going on or why, but right now I think we’re safe. I’m not lying to make you feel better, I believe what I said. Okay?”

Jenn nodded as she ate. “Okay. At least we can talk about what we see.” Her brow was still creased in confusion.

“Maybe we should make a plan.” I drank the last of my pop and crushed the can. “Or at least have a way to tell each other.”

Jenn giggled. “Too bad Ghostbusters don’t exist for real.”

“Very funny. Hilarious. So we can’t trap the ghost in a vacuum cleaner.” When we stopped laughing I continued with my idea. “If you see a spirit, even if you think a ghost might be there, find me, and I’ll help. I know I sound lame, but being there for each other is at least a promise. Then we can try to figure what to do out together.”

Jenn finished the last of her sandwich, so I collected our garbage and took it to a nearby trash can before we continued talking.

“Do you think other kids deal with this?” Jenn asked me. “Or are we weird?”

“We’re weird.” I grinned and shrugged. “But who knows? It’d be even crazier to think no one else ever dealt with crazy shit like this.”

We sat for a minute, both thinking about our conversation. I loved my sister so much. Unlike all the stories of sibling rivalry and constant arguments, we almost always got along. Our relationship meant the world to me.

“Oh!” I thought of another idea. “Darth can help too. She watches for the ghosts and hates them even more than we do.”

Jenn squinted at me in disbelief. “Are you serious?”

“Yeah. Watch her when we go back to the house. She doesn’t act like herself. She looks through doorways and stuff. Like she’s always on guard. Whenever one of the ghosts comes, she knows even before me when it’s on the way. Goes apeshit when the angry one appears.”

Jenn leaned over and scratched behind Darth’s ears. “Good girl. A dog Ghostbuster.”

Darth ignored both of us, having laid down to take a little nap.

“So we won’t tell Mom and Dad, right?” Jenn confirmed.

“Not right now. Other people, Mom and Dad in particular, look at me funny when the ghosts come up. So unless we need to, let’s keep things to ourselves. Can you imagine how much Lincoln would make fun of us if he found out?”

“He already thinks we’re nuts.”

The discussion about ghosts wound down. We talked about Fremont, Darth, and reminisced about the park and the times we came with Gramps.

*

When my stomach started turning over again, I remembered one other thing I needed to tell Jenn. My heart raced at the thought of revealing my secret.

Before anything escaped my mouth, however, Jenn moved us in a different direction. “Fremont never changes. It’s so weird. I remember all this from when we lived here. And we moved when I was in first grade.”

“Yeah, like the ice cream place we walked to from home. Remember it? I saw the building last night. Still looks the same.” My mind recalled the picture of the aluminum siding, no more or less faded than ten years ago, a pale deep blue with light blue splotches.

“I do! We should get everyone to go again. But Fremont is almost scary. I can’t imagine being trapped in this place. Thank god Mom and Dad moved us to Colorado.”

“But Fremont was a good place to raise us,” I pointed out. “The town was safe. I mean, they let us run all over without watching us the whole time. I never want to live here again though. Just visit.”

“None of the buildings change.” Jenn swept her arm through the air, pointing toward the rest of Fremont beyond the park. “The stores are still the same. I’ll bet they held a parade when the Starbucks opened. What a radical change! A new thing in Fremont.”

We both laughed.

*

“There’s not much exciting to do.” My voice quivered as nerves took hold because I decided to transition to my next announcement. “I couldn’t fall asleep last night so I walked downtown with Darth. All of the high school kids cruise on Main Street. I think they gather every night.”

“Boring. Did you stay long?”

My heart skipped a beat. “No, Darth and I checked things out and left.”

“Did you talk to anyone? Did they even notice you? I figured an outsider would excite them. Oh, I forgot. You’re shy.” She poked me in the side and giggled. “You’d run away if a stranger talked to you.”

“Shut up.” She knew me too well, but I knew how to shock her too. “Actually, I did talk to a guy.”

“You talked to a stranger?” She stared at me in disbelief.

“Yep, without anybody’s help.”

“I bet they approached you first.”

I laughed at the truth. “Well, yeah. But at least I talked. It was like you said, he wanted to figure out who this new person was. Everyone wondered, but he talked to me.”

“They’re so weird here. Did he just come over and ask why you came to Fremont?”

“Sort of. He already knew. Speaking of ghosts and stuff, he asked me if I thought ghosts haunted Gramps’s house. Everyone knows Gramps died, and he guessed I came for the funeral. They talk about all sorts of rumors about the house, ghosts, and stuff. He even told me they sneak over and hunt for ghosts.”

“See, what he said is proof. They have no life in Fremont.”

“Except the house is haunted for real! Yeah, they want a haunted house to keep them busy. But the story is true. Even Steve said most people here are too sheltered.”

“His name’s Steve? You must have talked to him for quite a while.”

“Yeah.” I fidgeted around. “We talked for a long time. Our conversation kept my mind off Gramps and ghosts. Anyway, pretty good for a shy guy, huh?” I sat up with pride, making Jenn laugh again.

“Not bad. Who would’ve guessed you’d make a friend in Fremont before me? I’m jealous.” Jenn was a social butterfly. “Take me with you tonight. I need to get away from everyone. The house is too stuffy.”

I hesitated, unsure how to respond. I always took her along back home when she asked, and I understood her wanting to get out of the house. But how could I explain Steve? And what if we wanted alone time? I did not need to get into that conversation with her.

“What is wrong?” Jenn put her hand on my shoulder. “You okay?”

“What? Yeah. Why?”

“You look scared. Did you tell me everything about the ghosts?”

“Of course. Why wouldn’t I?”

“Then what’s bothering you?”

The moment had arrived. Time to tell her. I glanced at her again to reassure myself. She tilted her head and smiled.

“You promise you love me? You won’t go nuts on me?”

“What are you talking about? I love you. Nothing can change how I feel. Sit down. I didn’t freak about the ghosts, did I?” When I saw her look at me, I got nervous all over again.

I surveyed the park, which always felt vast and open, with playground equipment dotting the landscape and huge expanses of grass between each exciting ride. I remembered growing up nearby and running from the swings to the merry-go-round to the iron rocket and thinking they were so far apart. But today everything felt smaller. The trees loomed over us, the bushes hid dark unknowns, and the sidewalk seemed too close. I don’t know if the ghosts, Gramps’s death, or what I intended to tell Jenn caused the anxiety, but I was nervous as hell.

To stall for more time, I grabbed a tennis ball we brought along for Darth, unleashed her, and threw it to the other side of the park. As always, she dashed away, scrambled to snatch up the ball, then bounded back to us with her prize. Playing with her kept my mind from exploding, and we laughed when Darth over ran the ball the second time, turned too fast and slipped, then growled at the ball when she got it and tossed it in the air to herself.

“So, you going to tell me or avoid the subject all day? This isn’t about the ghosts, is it?” Jenn asked.

“I’m trying.” I stared at Darth running again for her ball, afraid to look at my sister. “Do you ever feel different from everybody else? Like no one in the world will understand? Part of me wants to run away and hide, and the other part wants to let everyone know.”

“You sound like aliens abducted you.”

“So you see little green men too?”

“They make me have alien babies. Fifty in one night. Then they bring me home in time for school.”

“Aren’t you too young to be a mom?”

“Enough. This is getting gross.” Jenn took the ball from me as Darth lay back down to rest. “You’re avoiding me. What is it? You look like you’re going to have a stroke.”

“Dad could save money and put me in the same casket with Gramps.”

“Stop!” But again I had her laughing. “Talk.”

I got nervous again, and my heart convulsed. Even my knees shook and I stuck my hands in my pockets to keep them still. “So, did you understand what I meant with the whole thing about no one understanding?”

“I guess. But I don’t believe you’re alone. We talked about ghosts. If I understand you see ghosts, what could leave you alone?”

“I’m not sure how to say it.”

The words “I’m gay” stuck in my throat. They sounded too threatening, too exposing. I liked other guys but did not want Jenn to associate me with being gay. Sure, I knew enough to see the thought as my own homophobia, but learning about stuff–like big word psychology ideas such as homophobia–on Twitter and the internet, or accepting other people being gay, felt so different from applying the label to myself. “You know Steve?” I danced around saying gay out loud and applying the idea to myself.

“The guy you told me about?”

“Yeah, the Fremont dude.”

“Not personally.” She smiled at my delay tactics.

“He and I kinda clicked yesterday. We spent almost the entire night together, talking and stuff. We have a lot in common. You see, well, I guess I want him for a different reason.”

My entire body shook. Jenn grabbed my arm and looked at me.

“What do you want from him?” Her voice softened, her body language opened, all as if calling for me to share with her.

“I want him to be my boyfriend.” My voice quivered. I shook even more, and waiting for Jenn to talk seemed like an eternity. At least I avoided the word “gay.” I could not get the word out.

“Are you gay?”

My ears burned but the tension flooded out of my body. Jenn knew, and nothing could take back my revelation.

“Yeah,” I whispered. “That’s what I needed to tell you.”

“I’m glad. Thank you.”

*

I never expected anyone to thank me for telling them. My heart told me all along Jenn would understand, but the fear still overwhelmed me, to the point the shaking continued even after her positive reaction.

“I’m kinda relieved.” Jenn sounded chipper, her usual content self. “You made this seem so serious. I thought you had drastic news, like you wanted to run away or were a serial killer. Why would this change my opinion of you?” She scrunched her forehead up in total confusion. “I love you. If being gay makes you happy, then it makes me happy.”

“A lot of people freak out when this comes up. At school, guys are too macho and make fun of gays all the time. I know the topic upsets people. I tried to fight the feelings, but they kept coming back.”

“I think being gay is normal.” She shrugged. “People are just gay. Ignore the idiots who have a problem with it.”

“I wish I was like you. You do your thing and don’t worry about how people view you like I do.”

“You could too. Not everyone freaks out. If your sexuality is part of you, let yourself be.” Jenn often sounded wise for her age when it came to understanding people and emotions. Her acceptance of others felt to me like her love went on forever.

“I always had these feelings.” I pulled my hands out of my pocket as my body settled down. “I didn’t know what to call them. And I don’t feel bad about being gay, personally. I worry about what other people will think. I hope I still have friends.”

“Give me a break.” Jenn smirked. “You’ll always have friends. You may lose assholes, but do you like them anyway? And wait until you start meeting other gay people.”

“Yeah, I guess. It’s scary, you know? Do you think Mom and Dad will hate me? Will they kick me out of the house?”

She stared at me in disbelief. “Now you do sound nuts. They’d never hate you, or any one of us. I’m sure they’d worry. That’s what they always do. And they might get upset, because that’s what they always do too.” We both laughed. “Remember the time they found Lincoln’s Playboy?” The memory sent us into hysterics. Jenn continued after we calmed down a little. “So I’m not sure what they’ll do at first. But they’ll always love you. When do you think you’ll tell them?”

“I don’t know.” I picked at a splinter on the table. “I’m not ready. You know, no one else.”

“What about Steve?”

I grinned. “Yeah, he knows too. But no one else.”

“There’s no rush. One of my friends thinks she’s a lesbian. But I think she says she’s one for attention. Everyone figures their own story out on their own time.”

“I feel weird talking about being gay. After all these years of keeping the secret inside, I’m not sure what to share with other people. Thanks for listening, it means so much to tell you about myself first. Are you angry I waited until now to tell you?”

Jenn thought for a minute. “No. No, I’m not angry.”

“But?” I asked.

“Did I hurt you? Why did you wait so long to tell me? Did I make you uncomfortable, or tell a stupid joke?”

“Now it’s your turn to chill. I wasn’t ready to tell anyone. I mean, if I hadn’t met Steve last night, I don’t know if I would’ve been ready today. Steve came to me first, and he made me ready to tell you.”

“How long have you known?” Jenn asked.

I wrinkled my nose. “I’m not sure.”

Jenn looked at me funny and we laughed.

“I’m not lying. I mean, I always knew I was different from everyone else, even before any sexual feelings. I remember in about fifth grade I started to feel an attraction to other boys. I already knew, too, not to act on the urges or tell anyone. I didn’t know what the feelings meant or anything. I liked boys but knew to keep the sensation a secret.”

“So you always knew you were gay?”

“Kind of, but not really. I never used the word gay, even in my mind. Figuring out to apply it to myself shocked me. I was stunned to learn my feelings toward other guys meant I was gay. Hard to deal with the word.”

“What word?”

“Gay.”

“Makes sense.” Jenn nodded. “Do you care if I ask questions?”

“No, I feel good talking about myself.”

“Are you okay with the gay thing? I mean okay, not appease Jenn okay?”

“I’m okay with my feelings. I guess, though, using the word scares me. I can handle my attraction to guys but not saying I’m gay.”

“I know. You didn’t say gay until I said the word first.”

“Saying the words makes them more real. I want people to like me. After I decided I was gay, I felt like people watched my every move. Straight guys glare at me, as if they already know and hate me for my sexuality. Mom and Dad look suspicious.”

“Yeah, you naturally think all that, but I think the problem is all in your head. Most straight guys don’t have a clue about who’s gay. Think about Lincoln. He would never guess.”

“We need to make a new brother-sister pact,” I said. “Since you know, you have to protect me from straight guys. Neither of us could stand up in a fight, but you can use your charm to ward them off. They won’t hit girls. Besides, you’re cute, and you could distract them.”

“Okay,” Jenn said and then laughed. “I’ll protect you from the straight guys. We wouldn’t want them to scar your pretty little face.”

I punched her arm. “Stop it. I already think I act too much like a girl.”

“So? There’s nothing wrong with acting like a girl. Do what feels comfortable. Don’t act a certain way because people think you should.”

“I know. And I’m cool with who I am most of the time. But if I get stuck in a room full of guys I get nervous. I need more sissy friends.” I thought again about all the gay people out there and how I never met any of them. In a more open day and age, how on earth had I avoided every gay person in Colorado?

“Are you sure no one else knows?”

“Just you, Darth, and Steve.” Adding Darth made the list feel longer, and she learned before anyone else, before me, I bet. She continued to fetch the ball, sprinting to catch it, and then running back to return the slimy thing to me. “Why is that hard to believe?”

“Liking guys is such a big part of who you are. I can’t imagine keeping your story inside for this long.”

“Can I ask you a question?”

“Sure.”

“Do you think other people can tell when they see me? Do I act gay?”

Jenn grinned. “You asked a trick question.”

“Be honest.”

“I think most people don’t have a clue. They walk around and never see into a person’s soul. Like I said, straight guys miss a lot of stuff. Most stuff, except what they want to see. But gay people, and a lot of straight women, have gaydar. And you set it off.”

“What?”

“Gaydar. You know, like radar but to spot gay people.”

I marveled again at how much Jenn knew despite being younger than me. “I heard the term on a TV show once, but I thought they made it up. The idea is too much. I’ve never heard of that before. Do I have gaydar?”

“You’d better or your life will be deficient.”

“Can you teach me?”

Jenn shrugged and tilted her head. “You watch for things most gay guys do.”

“Like what? Girl stuff?”

Jenn punched my arm. “I swear, you sound more like a straight guy than a gay one. Girl stuff isn’t even a thing.”

I laughed. “You know what I mean.”

She pressed her lips together. “How am I going to explain this to you? I thought gay guys were hardwired to find one other. I know! We can go to the mall and practice. Practicing will be easier for you there, because all you need to watch is how guys look at you. If they give you more than a glance or stare back at your eyes, they’re gay most likely. The eye stare doesn’t mean they’re out, but it means they’re interested. This strategy works, trust me.”

“Because of all your experience as a gay guy?”

She slapped me again. “I know things. You need to get out more anyway. You’re too sheltered.”

“So besides the eye contact thing, you watch for guys to act gay or feminine?”

“There you go again.” Jenn sighed. “How they act can be a clue, but some hide their sexuality better, so you have to watch. And some straight guys are effeminate. You said Steve’s a football player. I bet he doesn’t give off any of those vibes. So eye contact is critical.”

I pictured Steve in his letter jacket and jock demeanor, acting straight at first glance, like a typical guy. But I sensed a vibe in him last night. Maybe “gaydar” told me to follow him. I was safe and he was interested.

“So back to my question. Do I set your radar off?”

“Gaydar.” Jenn tried to speak but laughed too hard. “It’s gaydar. Don’t worry so much about yourself. Who cares? Be yourself, and you’ll find a whole lot of people will respect you. True friends and people without hang-ups hate fake behavior.”

“You’re avoiding the fact I look gay.”

I guessed a long time ago I was more effeminate than most guys. Today, the idea fascinated me more than anything, though inside I knew in the past the idea bothered me because I felt vulnerable. I sucked at sports and liked hanging out with girls more than boys, but starting to deal with being gay made it easier to accept myself. I almost missed Jenn’s snicker as I thought about myself.

“What?” I asked.

“You want me to be honest?”

“Tell me.”

“You act pretty gay.” But her smile became sympathetic, no longer mocking me. “Does that bother you?”

“No.” I shook my head. “I kinda figured out what I’m like on my own. I wondered if everyone else saw how I act.”

“Your behavior isn’t a bad thing. It’s who you are. You don’t like all those boy things, like sports and chasing girls and farting. And you’re so pretty and soft-spoken. I like how you are. But I think a lot of people miss the signals because they don’t look for signs of being gay.”

“If you thought all this, why didn’t you ever ask me?”

“I didn’t want to offend you. Or scare you farther into the closet. Don’t you think it’s best to let people decide for themselves when to come out? Plus, just because a guy fits the stereotypes doesn’t guarantee they’re gay, or they’ll ever come out.”

I had never felt so comfortable or free talking about myself. Yeah, anxiety about telling other people lurked in the background, but to have at least one other person, a person important to me, affirm what I felt and still love me meant the world right then.

I started laughing. Memories of growing up with Jenn reminded me of all the gay things we played as children.

Jenn laughed without knowing the joke. “What’s so funny?”

“Thinking I could hide this from anyone who knew me growing up. No wonder you already knew.”

“Remember playing Barbies?” Jenn snorted.

“I loved Barbies.”

“We took them everywhere and set up houses and things to do with them. Did we even have boy Barbies?”

“No, we didn’t want boys.” I shook my head. “We owned Ken because a friend gave him to me, but we didn’t use him as much. We always sent him on business trips. We also used the G.I. Joe I got as a birthday present for a Barbie husband, but we always sent him with Ken.”

Jenn and I laughed so much we stopped talking.

“We also pretended to be teachers.” Jenn laughed so hard she bent over. “You always wanted to be the teacher, even though most of yours were women.”

“I never remember wanting to be a woman. I wanted to act like one and do the same things, like teach. We even pretended I had husbands when we played, remember?”

“Oh my gosh, too funny. And you used Darth as your child.” Hearing her name, Darth picked up and took her ball to Jenn, which prompted Jenn to pat her on the head and throw it. “She hated staying with us, but we trapped her in the room as the baby.”

“I think you made me play these girl games to make me gay. I’m sure this gay thing is on you.”

“Uh, you came up with most of what we did, and I followed along.”

We laughed until another memory dawned on me. “You know, if you think about it, Mom and Dad were pretty cool not to freak out. They let us play and never said anything about my playing Barbies or school.”

“Well, Lincoln is macho enough for both of us.”

“True. But he didn’t tease me about who I am either.” Talking about the rest of the family tweaked the butterflies in my stomach. “Telling Lincoln scares me more than telling Mom and Dad.”

“He might not struggle as much as you think. He cares a lot about us.”

“But he’s so conservative. Like those televangelists.”

“Stop your nonsense. You’re out of control. Maybe we can tell him together, so you don’t feel alone.”

“I’ll think about when to tell him. I want to tell Mom and Dad first, but not yet. I’m not ready.”

*

We stopped talking for a few minutes and watched Darth chase her ball. The park, with its solitude and distance from the problems lurking a few blocks away felt so peaceful I hated thinking about returning to the house.

“How did you meet this Steve guy anyway? What’s the story?”

“We hooked up and talked.”

“Bullshit.”

“I don’t know what to tell you.” And besides, I was embarrassed to talk about Steve, but I would never let Jenn know. She smiled as she waited. “We met downtown and took a walk. I suppose his ‘gaydar’ went off when he saw me. He introduced himself.”

“He walked up to you out of the blue?”

“Yeah. Darth and I were standing there watching the people when he came over and said ‘Hi.’ He scared me at first. I didn’t know what he wanted. But he convinced me he was okay, so we went on a walk.”

Butterflies returned at the thought of Steve, but in a fluttering, positive way. I swooned at seeing his face in my mind as he hovered over me before we kissed.

“Do you know anything about him?”

“Not much. He plays on the football team and doesn’t like living in Fremont. He’s not out or anything. I’m not sure why he came over to me. We talked about stupid stuff all night and wandered around the park. Darth likes him too.”

“The park? Late at night in a park means more happened than just chatting.” She arched an eyebrow at me.

A big, stupid grin spread across my face. “Well, we made out for a while. Isn’t this getting a little personal?”

“That’s all I need to know.” She waved her hands in front of me as a sign of surrender. “Are you going to see him again?”

“We’re getting together this evening.”

“I get to go along. Steve has to show me Fremont too.” Jenn patted me on the arm. “Stop with the worried face. I’ll give you plenty of time alone. But I need to get away from the house and family as much as you do. Deal?”

I laughed. “You can join us for a while. Then you have to leave us alone.”

“Trust me, watching my brother make out with a football stud won’t do a thing for me. I’ll leave long before. How do you think he guessed you’re a Bachmann?”

“Because there was no other explanation for a stray kid in downtown Fremont.”

“Did you tell him why you came here? Or about the ghosts?”

“He already guessed why we came to Fremont. I told him the whole thing, which surprised me how I shared so much, and even weirder I think he believed me. At least he didn’t run away. He told me a lot of people believe a ghost haunts the house.”

“How do so many people in Fremont know about what goes on in Gramps’s house? They’re so nosy.”

“Is Fremont any worse than Estes? I think it’s what people in small towns do because they’re so bored. Besides, we know Grandma always told people she thought the house was haunted. Steve heard about the ghost from his grandmother, who knew Grandma Bachmann.”

“But how do all the kids know? We never hear about strange spirits in Estes Park.”

“You must have never listened when people talk about the Stanley Hotel. Who knows? We do other dumb things, like gossip about the people who take drugs.”

“Because drugs are a problem at home. A serious one.”

“And the ghosts at Gramps’s aren’t a problem?”

“Still, what do they do when they talk about the ghost?”

“Steve said they sneak around outside the house trying to see a ghost. Since we’ve seen stuff, maybe they do too. That would explain the rumors.”

Jenn fell quiet. I let her think for a moment before saying anything, reaching down to scratch behind Darth’s ears after she got tired and lay down to rest.

“What is it?” I asked when her expression grew troubled.

“I wonder what Gramps thought about all this stuff. He denied the rumors about a ghost, but since so many people thought they were true, and with Grandma telling people about the haunting, he must have at least wondered.”

“Whatever Gramps believed died with him.” I patted Jenn on the back to try to comfort her as I reminded myself I dealt with ghosts for as long as I could remember, but real ghosts who haunted us were new to Jenn. “But when I see the vision of his ghost, Gramps knows about the truth now. If only everyone else believed us.”

Not able to avoid the inevitable any longer, I stood up, grabbed Darth’s leash, and hooked it to her collar. “We better get back.” Darth wagged her tail, excited to get to walk again and then lunged at a squirrel, who scampered up a nearby tree and chattered away at Darth in defiance from a high limb. Jenn and I giggled at the moment of comic relief as Darth barked and spun in circles, agitated by her furry antagonist.

After a pause, Jenn got off the bench, and we proceeded out of the park and plodded along, going much slower than our journey here.

“Do you think we should tell anyone else?”

“No.” I pulled Darth away from a piece of candy melting on the sidewalk.

“I want to tell Lincoln. If we can convince him, maybe he’ll help us.”

She voiced a common difference of opinion between us. Jenn trusted people, while I thought the worst of them.

“You can tell anyone you need to. It’s up to you. But please don’t tell him what I think. He’ll make fun of me, which always pisses me off.”

“You don’t think he’ll understand?”

“No.” My fear of telling Lincoln was about his personality, not his love for us, because he took after Dad. I was afraid he would think we had gone nuts if he knew what Jenn and I thought about ghosts.

Gramps’s house appeared, the attic gables first popping above the trees. The windows were dark and dusty. I used to love the bright white home, which symbolized all the love Gramps gave me as a child. My vision of happiness turned to a dull dread festering like a nasty sore in my mind. The house was no longer inviting—it mocked me instead.

“Hello?” Jenn knocked on my head.

“What?”

“You zoned out to Mars.”

“Thinking about everything. And isn’t Mars where they keep your alien babies? What’d you say?”

“I asked if you’d mind going with me to talk to Lincoln.”

“I’ll go.” The words came out despite dreading the very idea. I couldn’t leave her alone when she needed me.

We got to the house and she charged inside on a mission. I sighed and followed.

“Lincoln!” Jenn stepped inside the front door and screamed. “Lincoln!”

“What?” he yelled back and walked into the room. “Don’t you have any manners? Proper little ladies don’t scream in the house.”

“Shut up. I need to talk to you.”

Lincoln looked to me for a clue, but I shrugged and concentrated on maintaining a blank face. Darth trotted toward the kitchen for water, while the three of us headed for the living room. Thankfully, the room was empty—of both the living and the dead.

Lincoln jumped on the couch and stretched out while Jenn sat across from him. I plopped down on the floor, waiting for Darth to return. She’d be my support system again.

“You promise you’ll be serious the whole time and not make fun of me?”

Lincoln answered Jenn with a nod, though he looked puzzled.

Jenn stared hard at Lincoln. “Ghosts haunt this house. I see them. Can you help me tell Mom and Dad, or figure out what to do?”

Lincoln kept his composure, not even his usual smirk in evidence. “I think you’re tired. With Gramps dying and everything, you’re under a lot of stress. We all are.”

“I’m not nuts.”

“I didn’t say you were. I think this has you stressed out.”

“So you won’t help me?”

“What do you want me to do?” Lincoln asked.

“Forget it.” Jenn’s temper flared.

“How did you get away without saying anything?” Lincoln looked at me and threw his hands up in the air.

“Leave me out of this. Jenn and I already talked about the issue.”

“So you believe the ghost stories?”

“Let it go. You’re right. We all feel a lot of stress.”

Jenn sat despondent as I tried to calm us down.

“All right, all right.” Lincoln put his hands up in submission. “I’m going upstairs. Listen, guys, find me if you need me.” He stood up and put his hand on Jenn’s head then walked away.

The minute he rounded the corner, she erupted again. “He pisses me off. If we don’t think like him, then we’re wrong.”

“Forget about him.” I resisted the urge to tell her I predicted his reaction. “That’s why I don’t tell anyone. They don’t understand. They never experienced a ghost, so the idea doesn’t make sense to them. You can’t get mad or they’ll think you’re psychotic.”

“I wanted him to believe me.”

“It’s all right,” I said. “Maybe he’ll come around. I think he did believe you think you see things. I’m going to my room for a while before dinner.”

“Yeah, hours of fun. I think they are weird when they make the whole family gather for dinner and then never talk about anything important. Like no one will say anything about Gramps.”

“Our family operates that way. We’ll get through this problem. We can laugh at them later.”

“And I can still go with you to meet Steve?”

“It’s a deal.” I gave Jenn a thumbs-up.

*

Darth and I trudged up to my room because I needed time alone to think about everything. But a few minutes of being alone in my head got old fast, so I turned my attention to staring at myself in the mirror and trying to look as good as possible for Steve. I combed my hair, changed my shirt, brushed my teeth, and waited for dinner. As I sat down to read for a little bit, without any ghosts popping in for a visit, a knock on my door interrupted me.

“Jaret?” Mom called out.

“Yeah. Come in.”

She opened the door, looking confused. “You have a phone call. I don’t know who it is.”

I didn’t either. Again I got pissed about Dad’s stupid rule about cell phones because the lack of one invited everyone into my business. And the call seemed to upset my mother for an unknown reason. “Huh, wonder who it is?”

“Did you give your friends this number before we left?”

“No.”

I followed her down the hall to Gramps’s upstairs lounge and the nearest phone but paused before going in. I’d avoided the room since we arrived because his study reminded me so much of him. He used to sit and read in his favorite chair for hours by the fire, even in the middle of the summer.

“I’ll be downstairs if you need me.” Mom touched me on the back before turning to leave.

I stepped into the room, overwhelmed by the memories and afraid a ghost would interrupt the whole thing. After taking a deep breath, I walked over and picked up the receiver, laughing a little. Gramps still owned an old rotary phone, and I bet most of my friends never even saw one, let alone used one.

“Hello?” I asked the mystery caller.

“Hey babe. What’s up? I hope it’s okay I called.”

My heart jumped at hearing Steve’s voice. “Hi. I had no idea who was calling me in Fremont. I’m glad you did.”

“So my calling won’t cause problems, will it?”

“No, it’s cool. You’re not canceling on me?” I hated to sound like a desperate schoolgirl, but the shoe fit.

“No way. Not for a million bucks. I wanted to make sure nothing changed.”

“Yeah, same plans. But can you meet earlier? We’re eating in a few minutes, so I could be ready in an hour.”

“Cool, the more time the better. What do you want to do?” he asked.

“Nothing in particular. But, and I know this sounds weird, can my sister come along for a while? She’s bored and wants to look around Fremont.”

“Does she know?”

My heart beat fast, afraid he’d be mad at me for telling her. “Yeah, I mean, about me. I’m sorry I got you into this.”

“You worry a lot. I trust you. It’s cool. Relax. As long as you don’t broadcast our relationship to everyone in Fremont. I’m not ready to come out.”

“Okay. Anyway, she promised not to stay with us the whole night.”

“Listen, I gotta go. I’ll be there in about an hour.”

“See you then. Bye.”

“Later, hot stuff.”

I hung up, feeling wired and exhilarated by the send-off. He called me by nicknames already, and though our getting together seemed pretty fast, I wanted to go with the feeling for as long as possible. In fact, I melted every time he used one. Why not have a little infatuation for once in my life, after seeing all of my friends going gaga over the opposite sex? For the first time, I understood why they got so giddy weird at the start of a relationship.

Seeing Jenn walk by down the hall, I shouted at her. “Jenn!”

She jumped a foot in the air. “Shit!” She laughed and came into the room. “You scared me.”

“Did you pee your pants?”

“Sneaking up on me is mean right now.” But she grinned as she spoke.

“Sorry. We’re meeting Steve in an hour, right after dinner.”

“Good. I need to get out of here. And speaking of dinner, Mom sent me to find you to come down to eat.”

*

Jenn and I headed downstairs to the enormous cherrywood table. The room, more than any other, reminded me of the family’s original wealth. I had never been in any other house except museums that included a formal dining room and table capable of hosting over twenty people. The opulence embarrassed me a little, a room running so contrary to how anyone of us lived. Mom, Dad, Lincoln, my aunt and uncle, and my cousins were sitting around the table already, chatting about the day. Without a word, Jenn and I joined them and started eating.

Dinner went as expected. The family sat and talked without acknowledging anything weird, no mention of Gramps, the ghosts, or my uncle’s health. We acted as if we drove down the block to dinner, not across the entire state of Nebraska to bury a loved one. As dinner wrapped up, my heart raced and I twitched my leg, wanting to get out of there to meet Steve as soon as possible.

“I need to take Darth out,” I announced as an excuse. Before I left, I jerked my head toward the door and stared at Jenn to signal her. She nodded with a slight motion as I left the room.

When I opened the back door, Darth shot outside and did one of her rituals, which involved circling the entire yard and sniffing the edges, in what I called her perimeter patrol. When she got to the far end of the yard, however, she reared up, growled, and the hair on her back stood straight up. And then she barked.

I sprinted across the yard to stop her. “Darth!” I yelled. “Shut up!” I grabbed her collar and held her snout to stop her, but she wiggled around and persisted with her rage at the bushes.

“Steve?” I whispered. “Get out of there. No one can see you from the house.”

Steve stepped out of the bushes, straightening his back and stretching. He smiled and glanced around. “Hey, babe.” He pecked me on the lips and patted Darth on the head. She went from attack dog to wanting attention in seconds after she recognized Steve. “Where’s your sis?”

“On the way. We left separately so no one asked questions. How are you?”

“A lot better now.”

He grabbed me around the waist and pulled me into an embrace and deep kiss, and crazy hot passion swelled inside me. I struggled a little with how fast we got involved—we met one night ago—but I loved the sensation and did not want to slow down, nor did my hormones.

“I’m getting too excited,” I explained as I tried to pull away, but he held tight.

“Isn’t that the point?” He blew into my ear.

“Yeah, sure, I mean, we can’t right now.”

Steve laughed and let go. “Do you guys want to cruise around? I’m not sure what else to do, although we could catch a movie.”

“I’d rather hang out.”

“What does your sister want to do?”

“She’ll go with whatever we decide.”

As I finished, Jenn bounded toward us. “You must be Steve. I’m Jenn. Jaret’s shy so I won’t make him introduce us.”

“Nice to meet you,” Steve said. They sounded and looked all grown up as they shook hands.

“We thought we’d go look around Fremont and not do anything specific,” I told Jenn.

“Good. I had to get out of the house. They’re talking about Fremont politics now. Boring.”

“Come on.” Steve motioned for us to follow him.

Once outside the back gate, we walked a block away to Steve’s Jeep—bright red with a black cloth top. The perfect car for a football player. I guessed Steve’s family did all right, since their son was driving a new car, a powerful and sexy one. The whole scene turned me on. We got in and Steve drove us through Fremont, honking and waving at a few people but also pointing out things of interest and chatting about what changed since Jenn and I moved, which wasn’t much. A lot of times he mentioned a business changed owners, even though the building looked the same.

Steve, like Jenn, seemed to have no problem talking to strangers, so I spent a lot of time listening to them. In addition to Fremont, we chatted about normal stuff like teachers, movies, and music, then compared the assholes he knew in Fremont to those we knew in Estes, finding mutual comfort in the fact people did stupid things no matter where you lived. Thankfully, no one brought up the Bachmann ghosts or even Gramps.

We drove around Fremont for an hour, stopped and got ice cream, and then Jenn said she needed to get back to the house, I think more to give Steve and me time alone than from really wanting to go home.

But as Steve pulled into the front driveway, my anxiety about what to tell my family came back. I worried someone would see his Jeep and interrogate me later about who he was, where we met, and blah, blah, blah. I knew I was irrational to think seeing a car would lead them to think about two guys having sex, but logic came hard after so many years of hiding being gay.

“Nice to meet you,” Steve said to Jenn, again with the fancy adult talk. “I’m sure we’ll see each other around.”

“I know you’ll be around if Jaret has anything to say about it.”

“All right.” I poked her in the side. “You’re done. Get inside.”

“I’ll leave you two lovebirds alone.” She slammed the door and ran away. Steve and I laughed as he drove away.

*

“I like your sister, but you’re so different from her. You were shy last night. I kind of expected the same from her, but she’s pretty outgoing. I love how you get along so well. My brother and I fight all the time.”

“What about?”

“Everything. Unless we’re talking about football.”

“Does your relationship with him bother you?”

He shrugged. “I suppose a little. But what can you do about it?”

Two streets later, Steve hit the brakes at a stop sign, looked in the rearview mirror, then jerked the Jeep into park. With no one around, he grabbed my hand and squeezed it, then leaned over and kissed me, his tongue running along my teeth.

“I’m glad we’re alone,” he whispered.

“I thought about you a lot today.”

“Can I take you away?”

“Sure. I’m all yours. Where?”

“Home,” he said.

I didn’t respond, not sure I wanted to meet his family.

Reading my mind, he laughed. “Don’t worry. My parents left for a business trip and my bro’s at college. I have the house to myself. How else do you think I wandered around so late last night? They would’ve killed me if they were home.”

We rode the rest of the way in comfortable silence, still holding hands, my mind fluctuating between absolute thrill and apprehension. Thrilled at the hot guy wanting to be with me. But apprehensive because, how well did I know him? Was he safe? Instinct told me not to worry and for once in my life go with the moment, even though I also thought about a movie I saw about Jeffrey Dahmer in his high school years, already getting ready to kill gay boys.

We arrived at a large, colonial brick house with enormous pillars in front and white trim around the windows. Twice as big as our home in Colorado, this was even bigger than Gramps’s house a few blocks away.

“Nice house.”

“Thanks.” His tone suggested he did not understand why I complimented his home as he grinned and jumped out of the Jeep, so I followed behind, still nervous and giddy at the same time.

We walked into a huge entryway, like on TV. The living and dining rooms to the right and left were immaculate and unused, right out of a magazine, and a crystal chandelier glowed as it hovered above us. Steve took my hand and pulled me toward the huge staircase that wound in a circle around the walls of the house’s middle. We turned to the right at the top and into a bedroom.

“This is my room.”

I looked around at a very tidy space, everything in place and dusted, even though he hardly seemed the type. I wondered if they hired a maid. His double bed sat against one wall, opposite a bookcase full of sports trophies. As I took in the scenery, he hugged me from behind and kissed my ear.

“Welcome to my lair,” he said in a sinister voice. “You’re now captive to my every whim.” He licked my ear, whoa—total excitement, paralyzing me as he took charge of my weakness. He spun me around to look into his steel-blue eyes. “I missed you today. Are you comfortable?”

“I don’t think I’ve ever been this chilled out.” My heart raced with excitement. He ran his hands down my back, grabbed my ass, and pulled me toward him. Kissing him again sent thrills through my body.

Steve moved us toward the bed and pushed me onto the mattress, then took his shirt off, so I ripped mine off too.

I was making out with another man! I’d always thought people were kind of corny when I read stories about their first times, how they saw fireworks or felt so enraptured they almost fainted, but I learned you had to experience the moment to understand. As we finally lay on his bed and relaxed, I felt amazed and lost myself in the sensation of him combing my long hair out of my eyes.

“You okay, babe?”

“A lot more than okay.” I stared into his eyes, feeling like a hopeless romantic.

“I know you avoided this all night, but I want to say something.”

My heart raced. Oh, no. Maybe he doesn’t like me that way.

“Relax.” He read my mind and petted my head to soothe me. “I want to make sure you’re handling the ghost thing okay. Do you need to talk?”

“I like ignoring the topic.” I hated the thought of the ghosts, but the tension spilled out of me because the topic beat him dumping me already.

“I can imagine. But don’t be afraid to talk to me. I mean, experiencing ghosts has to be lonely, and strange. I thought about this a lot today. I want you to know I believe you and everything you say about the haunting, and I want to help.”

I wrapped my arms around him and squeezed. “Just hold me.”

He returned the hug, and we stayed in the embrace for a long time.