Mary
I wasn’t sure at first if I should have said anything to Rachel, but I wanted to tell someone my secret. I’d kept it for fifty-seven years and the thought of finally telling someone what had happened so many years ago gave me a feeling of peace.
I’d finally cleaned James’s closet; perhaps it was about time I cleaned out the rest of the cobwebs. I wasn’t sure where exactly to begin so I just started.
“Remember when I told you I never loved James and he never loved me? That ours was a marriage of convenience?”
Rachel nodded.
I waved my arm. “This was his bedroom. We never slept in the same bed, ever.”
“Wow,” Rachel said. “I had no idea. That must have been painful.”
“It was at first. On our wedding night, we came back to the house. James said he’d take me on a proper honeymoon when work slowed down. That night, I took a long bubble bath and wore the white silk nightgown I’d bought. I lay in bed, expecting James to come to me, but he never did. Night after night I waited for him, but he always slept in here.” I glanced around the room.
“What did you do?” Rachel asked.
“I finally confronted him. I asked him why he wasn’t coming to me at night. I was beginning to think something was wrong with me. That’s when he told me he preferred men.”
Rachel gasped. “Oh, no! And you had no idea?”
“None. He’d always been the perfect gentleman. At first I was devastated. While I knew I’d never love anyone the way I loved Teddy, I’d hoped to feel something more than friendship for James. But he got what he wanted, a marriage of convenience. I was by his side in public, and he lay with men behind closed doors.”
“Mary, I don’t even know what to say. That must have been so lonely for you. What about adopting children? I know you said James couldn’t father children because of an injury, and it sounds like he wouldn’t have wanted to even if that wasn’t the case. But he promised you when he proposed that you could adopt. A child or two would’ve made your life happier, I’m sure.”
I rubbed my neck. This cobweb was the hardest one to knock down. It was glued with such strength it took all my might to sweep it away.
“Yes, he did promise that I could adopt. But then something happened that changed my mind forever about wanting to. I didn’t want to bring a child into this home. Not with James being the way he was. And my father.”
“Your father?”
I took a deep breath. “One day, Mother and I were out shopping. When we returned home, my father’s car was parked in front of the house. We thought Father had come over to keep James company while we shopped. They didn’t hear us come in, but we heard them as soon as we walked in the door. We walked down the hallway and into the living room and found them naked and having relations.”
“Oh. My. God!” Rachel reached out and held my hand. “I’m so sorry, Mary. So sorry you had to see that.”
Tears started streaming from my eyes. “At first, I couldn’t believe what I was seeing. Mother couldn’t either. I learned later she knew my father was gay. Like me, she’d learned after they were married and they never shared a bed, either. She’d adopted me. But she had no idea that my father and James were lovers. Of course, it all made sense. Father wanting me to marry James, father being nicer to me after I’d accepted James’s proposal. It made it convenient for them to be together.”
“What did they do when you caught them?”
“They stopped, of course. I ran to my room crying hysterically and my father yelled after my mother who ran after me, “Tell that whore how it is.”
“What did James do?”
“Nothing. He did nothing. It turned out that my father had ruled James’s life as well. What he said, James did. The worse part was listening to them at night when my father would come over to visit James and spend the night. It was awful. There was no way I was going to adopt a child and subject him or her to this kind of life.”
“Why didn’t you just divorce James?”
“I thought about it, but it wasn’t like it is today. Divorce was taboo. I weighed my options and tried to figure out what was best. I decided to stay and I coped by helping others.”
“I feel like I’m going to explode, Mary. This makes me so sad for you. To love a man you could never have because your father sent you away and made you write a Dear John letter. Living with a man you never loved and who never loved you. And having a child and never seeing that child and never knowing what became of her. It’s just so sad.”
I patted Rachel’s hand. “But I survived. And you will survive, too. I know you haven’t had an easy life, but you’re giving Piper an incredible gift. I hope that, in time, you’ll find what you want most and that your life becomes all that you want it to me.”
Just then, Rachel turned and gave me the biggest hug I’d ever received and we both broke down in tears. With Rachel’s help, I’d finally knocked down all the cobwebs stuck in the corners and it felt good to be rid of them.