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DEAR JACK

The day you were born, I got a best friend for life. The days your daughters, Pearl and Andy Rose, were born, I discovered a new kind of love and happiness that I didn’t even know existed. I admire you more than any man I’ve ever met, and I will always be proud to be your big sister.

For most of the big things that have happened in our family, you have always been the one to break the news to me. All you need to do is say my name, and I can tell from the tone of your voice that it is going to be something serious. That is why, when you called me about four years ago and said, “Kelly, we need to talk, can I come over?” I fucking shit myself. What was it this time? Something with Mum? With Dad?

I had this giant yellow pleather bed that had three matching yellow pleather steps that I could pull up to the side, so that the dogs could get in bed with me. When you got there, you walked right in and sat on the bed. I just kept thinking, Oh my God, oh my God, this must be serious, but then you said, “Kelly, I’m going to have a baby. Lisa’s pregnant.”

Immediately, I started screaming and felt like I was going to cry—from pure happiness. As exciting as that moment was, it was also good-bye in a way, because—and I don’t know if you noticed this—that was the last time I got to be a big sister to you, my little brother.

Growing up, you and I were practically twins. While Aimee got her own room on tour, you and I shared one. We made the same friends, had the same clothes—elastic-waist jeans from Marks & Spencer—and got in trouble for the same shit. Whenever anything happened in the house, Mum just punished both of us, as that was easier than trying to figure out who had actually done it.

As we got older, it got harder for us to get along, and we weren’t always partners in crime. You matured a lot earlier than I did. You were given the role of the man of the house at such a young age. You also got sober at seventeen, after just one trip to rehab, but had to watch me flounder through my late teens and early twenties. I know that you were pissed at me for not getting my shit together but also sad about what I was doing to myself. I don’t blame you.

When I finally started to grow up, we were as close as ever again, and we have remained so. It might sound weird, but as happy as I was when Lisa joined the family, it was hard for me to adjust to not being the first person you call with news anymore. Still, it has made me very proud to watch you grow up and see the man you have become. Now I am learning more about life from my little brother than I have from anybody else, ever. You learned to set boundaries a lot earlier than I did, and you took the steps you needed to remove yourself from the drama that always engulfs our family.

Jack, you have always been hardworking and brave, and I know you truly want to make the world a better place. It makes me so happy to see that you now have a wife and two little girls who are the beneficiaries of your benevolence. I can see in your eyes how much you love your babies and how much they absolutely adore you back. It’s really a beautiful thing to watch. You are by no means perfect, but you’re a really good dad and a generally good person. (Thanks for making me look bad, asshole.)

Having a child is a lot of work, and your life had to change a lot for it. Some people aren’t willing to make those changes, but you and Lisa have gone above and beyond from the moment you realized you were going to be parents. The first time I watched you argue about who was going to change a diaper, I thought, Oh my god, you’re not a baby anymore!

Pearl and Andy Rose have been the best things to ever happen to our family, and you gain a whole new respect for life when you watch a new family member grow up. Last Christmas, when you and Lisa were busy in the kitchen making dinner, Pearl asked me what a certain . . . let’s just call it colorful word meant. I basically shit myself and I don’t think anyone has seen me change a subject so quickly. You and Lisa are always so good at handling those kinds of situations. I wasn’t going to be the one to answer difficult questions, especially without you there to help me out! Without missing a beat I started singing, “Let it go, let it go . . . ,” and she instantly started singing along with me. Thank you, Frozen, for helping Pearl and me to let go of that chillingly awkward situation.

Jack, when you were diagnosed with MS, one of my first thoughts was, Why him? I’ve done way more bad shit and been more of an asshole than he ever has. He doesn’t deserve this! You are through and through a soldier, and I know that the last thing you would ever want is for someone to treat you as though you’re sick. You’ll never admit when you’re having a flare, but because I know you so well, I can tell by the way you walk or the squint to your eyes. I’ve learned to make jokes about it and call you Captain Jack Sparrow when I notice it. I’ll tap you on the shoulder and say, “Aye aye, Captain,” and it’s our little signal that I know what’s going on and that if you need anything, I’m there.

Jack, you and I always thought of ourselves as two halves of the same person because we did everything together. We now recognize that we can have our own lives, be different, and still be close. You have a male perspective and I have a female perspective, so sometimes we don’t see eye to eye on things. There are some things we just don’t talk about, and while I don’t always understand the way you think, I will always respect it, because you’ve seen a lot and are very wise. I also want to thank you, Lisa, for always defending me when I am right and helping me to see my brother’s perspective when I am wrong.

No matter what happens in our family, or how much we each grow and change as people, I love you unconditionally. It’s an honor to be your big sister—but still, if you flick my ear one more time, I will kick your fucking ass.

Love,

Kelly O