Thank you to my family: Mum, Dad, Jack, Aimee, Lisa, Pearl, Andy Rose, Louis, Louise, Mia, Elija, and Saba Teklehaymanot. Thank you for being my guardian angels.
Fleur Newman and Sammy Barratt-Singh: Together we truly are the three best friends that anyone could have. You are my true sisters!
Thanks to extraordinary friends: Colin and Metta Newman, Sue and Graham Hall, Joan Rivers, Melissa Rivers, Cooper Rivers, Ethan Sugar, Mike Einziger, José Pasillas, Simone Francese, Richard Kavanagh, Jeannie Mai, Maxine Gittens, Oz, Louie Vito, Simon Huck, Kim Kardashian, Nicole Richie, Melissa Rosenfield, Robert Ramsey, Christian Siriano, Aya T. Kanai, Hannah Jeter, Tim Gunn, Mike Flom, Vicky Vox, Jeff Beacher, Blake Wood, Braydon Szafranski, Catriona, Sshh Starkey, Raven-Symoné, Zendaya, Sophie Monk, Dom DeLuca, Jody Oli, Fernando Barraza, Whitney Plowman, Zac Posen, Betsey Johnson, Dita Von Teese, Richard K, and George Kotsiopoulos.
Omar Kahn: The day we found each other was fate. In fact, it was magic because that is what you are—magic. I love you so much.
Kelly and Ava Cutrone (aka Ava Bieber): To say we are close friends is not enough. We are family for life. Without the love, support, and guidance you so selflessly give to me, I not only would never have finished this book but I would be utterly lost without you both. I was a wounded bird that you taught to fly again. Ava, not a day goes by that I don’t learn something new from you and love your sassy ass more and more. I am your big sister. I will always be here for you, no matter what. Kelly, my Mumma Witch, my Scorpio sister, my roommate, my partner in crime, we have come so far from the day our birthday cakes got switched. I got a cake with a pair of tits on it, and you got a cake wishing you a happy twenty-first birthday. From there, our beautiful journey began, and it’s one that I know will never end.
Denika Bedrossian: There is no one in this world who makes me feel beautiful the way you do. Not just because of the way you do my makeup but the true friendship that you provide daily. You make the toughest days a breeze, made me an honorary member of your Armenian family, and never fail to put me in check. You are one hell of a badass witch who always tells it like it is.
Luke Trembath (Dingo): From the day we both moved to this foreign land that we call Hollyweird, we have been inseparable. When my brother did not want to hang out with me anymore because I was an annoying dork, you picked up where he left off. Thank you for being there every step of the way when most people would have jumped ship. We may not be related by blood but I see you as my brother. You are a member of my family. (Sometimes I feel like my mother loves you more than she loves me.) PS: To any of our mutual friends who are reading this: No, Dingo and I have never hooked up. For God’s sake, I have never even seen his penis and we pretty much live together. PPS: To all your ex-girlfriends who treated me like shit: Fuck you.
Rob Moore: Fuck you, too! I love you, ya dork.
Jacob Thomson: I have been there for you since the day you were born and I will be here for you until the day I die.
Michael Kozac: Aunt Tuna, thank you for making every day an experience of a lifetime and being one of the few people in this world who truly understands my lunacy!
Louis van Amstel: One of the first things I ever said to you was, “You got the wrong partner!” I could not have been more wrong. You not only changed my life but you saved it, too. Thank you for never giving up on me and for teaching me how to look after my mind, body, and soul, and what dedication really means. I will credit you until the day I leave this world for turning me into the woman I am today. However, I will never get over the fact that you did this through fucking ballroom dancing. I love you more than you will ever understand.
Thank you to all my colleagues and contributors: Jasen Kaplan, Ryan Randel, John Stapleton, Ross Mathews, Frankie Hernandez, Joseph DiMaggio, Tom Chadwick, Michael Guarracino, John Fenton, Steven Grossman, Fergie, Brad Goreski, Kathy Griffin, Nancy Davis, Joanna Coles, Adam Lambert, Jason Bolden, Geezer and Gloria Butler, Kelly Ward, Tom Ruegger, Jesse Harnell, Steve Varga, Lucas Varga, Scarlett Varga, Mimi Varga, Chris and Poppy Abrego, Jay Mighall, Bob Troy, Jennifer Holliday, Philip Battiade, Veronica Jahanfard, Zachary Russo, and Jordan Manikin.
Melinda Varga: You went from one of my few female friends on tour to my nanny, to my assistant—until my mum stole you—to a person not just I but my whole family and in fact the entire Osbourne enterprise could not function without. Please don’t ever leave us, as we would be fucked without you.
Brooke Dulien: Thank you for being my style guru. You taught me almost everything I know when it comes to fashion. You even bought me my first pair of heels. However, I will never stop wearing my sports bras.
Gary Orkin: I’m sorry that I have driven you crazy because I spend and donate too much money. I’m also sorry for contributing not only to you going gray but to making you pull your hair out. All jokes aside, thank you, Gary.
Adam Griffin, my manager: Wow . . . I bet you never realized how much you had cut out for you when we decided to work with each other! Thank you for always being the calm through the storm and getting me through this crazy journey we are on. I can’t wait to climb more mountains with you!
Diandra Younesi: Thank you for always being a badass bitch.
Todd Jacobs: Thank you for believing in me when no one else did. Everything I have built in the past twelve years has been because of you. You are the best agent in the world. I have no idea how you took me from a grain of sand and turned me into a diamond, but you did. You achieved what I and most others viewed as the impossible. You are my zen master and I love you.
Evan Warner: Thank you for being not only the best TV agent in the biz but my dear friend and stagecoach partner in crime. You are like my weird uncle that I’m not sure I even wanted but am so lucky to have. I could never have finished this book without the way you stepped up. You are the best.
Justin Ongert: Thank you for putting the ass in the class of my team!
Marcel Pariseau: The day you took me on was life-changing. There is no person’s opinion that I respect more than yours. Not a day goes by that I don’t feel honored to work with you. I love you. In fact, I’m obsessed with you.
Joey Monroe: Thank you for being you. I know what a pain in the ass I am to work with due to my lack of inner filter, but you tackle every situation I get us into head-on because you know that I always have the best of intentions. You never vocalize any judgment (although your face does a good enough job of saying it for you). You are one of my favorite people to work with, and I can’t wait for our next PJ party!
Gary Farrow: Thank you for always scaring the shit out of me with your brutal honesty. I fucking love you. However, I hate that you are always right!
Erin Malone: I can’t even imagine what a nightmare I was during the three-year process of finishing this book, but you are one badass agent and I could not have done this without you.
Kerri Kolen: You truly are the real-life Carrie Bradshaw. Thank you for holding my hand through this crazy journey. From the second I met you, I knew that there was no other publisher I wanted to write this book with. I apologize in advance if Baby Quinn is born, with a mouth like a sailor. That’s not a joke; I really am sorry. By the time this book is published, Baby Quinn, you will finally be born and I want to thank you for lending me your mumma. When most first-time mothers are freaking out over what to expect when they’re expecting, your mumma was a fearless iron woman who never missed a Bar Method class and never ceased to amaze me when she showed up wearing the most badass outfits (including heels), carrying a bag that must have weighed ten thousand pounds. Although it may take you more than a few years to realize this, trust me when I say that your mum is one badass bitch!
Kate Williams: I will never say that I wrote this book all by myself or refer to you as my “ghostwriter.” We did this together. At this point, I don’t think there is a single person in this world who knows more about me—or wants to—than you do. You not only had to put up with me and the insanity that revolves around me, you did it with such grace. The first day we met, I thought to myself, I’m going to unintentionally destroy this fragile little mouse with my big mouth! Little did I know how wrong I was. You somehow always managed to keep me calm and make me laugh when all I wanted to do was cry. It’s true what they say: It’s the quiet ones you have to watch out for, because without any shadow of a doubt in my mind, you are the number one badass bitch with whom I had the honor of working on this book. You even managed to trump Kerri, which is hard to do. To say thank you is not enough, but I will say it anyway. Thank you! I fucking adore you!
Karen Gottlieb: You are one hell of a badass bitch and it is an honor to work with you.
To all the badass bitches at Putnam: Ivan Held, Christine Ball, Sally Kim, Anabel Pasarow, Alexis Welby, Ashley Hewlett, Ashley McClay, Carrie Swetonic, Emily Ollis, Meredith Dros, Melissa Solis, Janice Kurzius, Claire Vaccaro, Monica Benalcazar, and Kaitlin Kall.