Chapter Ninety-two

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Dear Maggie,

You know me. I’m bad at drawn-out farewells. Getting the hell out of Dodge, that’s what I’m good at.

Which is why I didn’t tell you about the tumor. I couldn’t stand the thought of a long goodbye, of tears and reminiscences and hours spent repainting the past, repainting ME, in softer, fuzzier colors so that you could look back on everything and only see the airiness and sweetness of it all.

The flaws I had in life are the flaws I have in death. I’m equal parts good and bad, and I don’t want you to forget that. I don’t want you to forget ME. But instead, remember me exactly as I am.

That said, I couldn’t leave you again without saying all the things that are in my head and in my heart. But I want to warn you right now, I’m not much of a letter writer. I don’t have Luc’s gift for putting pen to paper—or yours, for that matter. So I hope you’ll forgive me if I ramble a bit.

I’m sitting down to write this twelve years, four months, and six days after the moment I first saw you. And I need to tell you how grateful I’ve been to you for letting me love you and for loving me in return. For giving me the opportunity to witness myself and everything around me through your eyes. You’ve always been able to see the beauty and the mystery in the world, so it’s been an amazing view.

I know I interfered with what you and Luc had going back in high school. I came in like a hurricane, blowing apart the foundation of your young love before its house could be built.

But I can’t be sorry. You had something I desperately needed. Something sweet and clean and bright. And I’m prideful enough to think I had what you needed too. Something different and daring and maybe even a little bit dark.

Perhaps we were fated to be exactly as we were then and as we are now. Two people who grew in love and laughter and friendship. Two people who helped each other stand up, be brave, and embrace all the wonder and fascination this life has to offer.

Please forgive me for any hurt or rejection you’ve felt since I came back. My only excuse is that I knew my time was short, and I wanted you to realize how you truly felt about Luc, how you’ve ALWAYS felt about him, while I was alive. While you and I were still an option. Not for your sake. Or for mine. But for HIS. So he’d never have to wonder if he was your second choice. Especially since you and I both know he’s the best of all three of us.

His love for you is all that mine could never be. Selfless. Unrestrained. And more importantly, RIGHT.

I wish I could be there to see the two of you get married. To watch you become parents. To laugh with you in your old age. But life has a rhythm and it’s unforgiving. There’s a time for living and a time for dying, and none of us gets to choose our own beat.

Luckily, death has this amazing way of showing you what really matters. I’ve realized that what really matters to me isn’t the time I’m going to miss out on but the time I had. It isn’t what I got but what I gave. And it isn’t what I’m taking with me, but what I’m leaving behind.

If the measure of a man’s life is the love he’s given and the love he’s received, then… Oh, Maggie, my time here on earth has been amazing. And I take comfort in knowing that even though life doesn’t go on forever, love does.

Love is stronger than death.

Don’t waste any time mourning for me. Let go of what was, embrace what is, and fill your heart with all that will be.

Get busy building your life with Luc. Hold each other close. Support each other through every triumph and trial. Keep each other safe. But, most importantly, love each other. And know that I’ll always love you, my sparkly, shiny girl.

Cash