Kamapua‘a didn’t have so many men left. Those who followed him now, he figured, did so for lack of better options. About two dozen of them. Maybe they blamed him for getting so many of the others killed.
Still, they followed him all the way to Vai‘i. Supposed to have lots of adventure. Which was good, because Kama was pretty much just waiting for opportunity to show up.
Honestly, he had very little idea what to do now. He’d sat in consterpation pretty much the whole canoe ride between isles, and the only thing he could come up with was that, if he killed Poli‘ahu, Kana would pardon them all and welcome them home.
Had to be.
If there was anyone Waimeans hated and feared more than Kama, it was the so-called Snow Queen of Mauna Kea. What with the war and murder and shit. Attempting to kill off a whole race of people didn’t make a queen popular. Especially not with that race.
Kama figured Poli‘ahu intentionally murdering hundreds of people was way worse than his own … uh, issues.
With Makani dead, Kamapua‘a had named Ioane his second-in-command. The man had accepted the honor, though his face had seemed anything but honored.
Now, as they landed on the north shore, Kama looked to the man. “I got a plan.”
Ioane arched one of his brows. “And?”
“We’re gonna find a valley to make camp. Then I’m gonna climb Mauna Kea. And I’m gonna kill Poli‘ahu. Then we go home and give Kana the good news.”
Ioane hopped from the canoe and helped pull it onto the shore. “That doesn’t qualify as a plan. That’s like the seed of a plan you have not yet planted nor waited for it to come to fruition.”
“Look, I’m not gonna defeat a kupua like Poli‘ahu with any shitting fruit, all right? I mean, I guess I could crush her skull with a coconut, but why the shit would I plant the tree myself and wait for it to sprout? That doesn’t make any sense. I think it’s best if you leave the stratifying to me.”
Ioane frowned, shaking his head while the other canoe came ashore. “What I mean to say is, how do you plan to kill Poli‘ahu in her own domain?”
“Well, I don’t know.” Kama shrugged. “I could use an axe or a knife or a club. I mean, worst case, I could use my hands. My hands are strong as shit.”
The other man looked to him, then nodded. “I’ll grant you that much.”
“Mahalo from me and my hands, both.”
* * *
Before his men could set up in the valley, they needed supplies from the local village. The sun was setting by the time he and a small band reached the place. Although it featured several piers that served as launching points for canoes, the majority of the village was farther inland, just beyond a thin grove of koa trees.
“Aloha,” he said as a pair of girls approached. Each lifted their hands to their mouths in a gesture of greeting. They wore headbands and bracelets made of leaves. Kama liked leaves. Reminded him of the jungle. The boar was most at home in a jungle. Or in a woman. So, jungle women were twice as good. He was pretty certain he’d forgotten whatever else he intended to ask the locals.
Fortunately, Ioane spoke. He was good at that. “Aloha. We need food and fresh water. Can you help us?”
The two girls glanced at one another, then the one in the lead nodded and motioned for them to follow. Kama trotted right behind her, Ioane and five others in tow.
The girls led them toward what had to be the chief’s house. It was the biggest, after all. As was the man standing in front of it. He had a belly that made him look like he’d swallowed a boar whole. He wore a feather cloak and waved a smoking bush around like he thought he was a kahuna, watching them with his nasty little eyes. Shit. It wasn’t like Kama planned to break any tabus. Well, sometimes he planned it, but most times it just happened. Someone made a stupid rule and Kama forgot to follow it. Or didn’t like the rule because it wasn’t fun. Sometimes people tried to make fun itself tabu. Tabus were stupid.
“Aloha, Chief!” Kama shouted. “I’m Kamapua‘a of Kaua‘i. These are my followers Ioane and, uh … the others don’t have names.”
“Of course they have names,” Ioane said. “This is—”
“Sure, fine,” Kama said. “How about a feast, Chief …?”
“Chief Tua,” the man said. Stupid, nasty, narrowed eyes. What did he have to be suspicious of? All Kama had asked for was a feast. Shit, good thing he hadn’t asked for a whole luau. They should throw him one though. Kama was mighty. Mighty boars deserved luaus. “Welcome to Vai‘i.” The chief waved the stupid smoking branch again.
“Uh, huh. So, to which king or queen do you swear to, anyway?”
“That was direct,” Ioane mumbled. Like being indirect was some kind of shitting virtue or something.
“Hāmākua remains loyal to Queen Poli‘ahu, of course.”
Kama clapped his hands. “Wonderful! Glad to hear that.” Having her followers here might make it easier to find and kill her. “And, uh … if I wanted to pledge my incorrigible loyalty to her royal frostiness, would I find her up on the mountain?”
“Yes, she returned some time ago.”
Kama clapped his hands again and winked at the man. Winking often set people at ease. Back when Kamapua‘a had still lived at Waimea, he’d used winks to get out of trouble when he’d broken some stupid tabu like shitting in someone’s house. A good wink, and the shitter would stand there mouth open, struck speechless by Kama’s magmanamity. “So, about that feast?”
* * *
Chief Tua didn’t throw them a luau. Or a feast. He did, however, have a large pig roasted. Kama choose not to take that as a veiled insult on account of the man probably not knowing who or what he was. And also on account of the pork being shitting delicious.
The chief did agree to trade some supplies for some tapa cloth they’d brought from Kaua‘i. Taken from old Haki’s villages, of course, but Tua didn’t need to hear the details about that.
As it turned out, one of the kupua women from across the Worldsea had come here, too. Pele, they called her, a flame kupua who was also challenging Poli‘ahu. A potential ally?
Sitting with his men by a bonfire, Kama wiped his greasy hands on his malo. “See, now we know Poli‘ahu is up on her mountain.”
“You still have no plan,” Ioane said.
“Sure I do. I climb the mountain. I solve the problem. I … uh … well, that’s the whole plan anyway. I mean other than coming back down the mountain.”
Ioane shook his head. “You sound like an idiot.”
“Sounds can be deceiving. Sometimes I even deceive myself. Once, I tricked myself into thinking I was stupid. Then I realized I was sleeping. So I farted.”
Two of the men chuckled. Kama decided then and there, those two were worthy of him learning their names. Only problem was, one of them had been with him for at least a year, and learning his name would mean admitting he hadn’t known it until now.
Some men might find that insulting.
Ioane leaned in close, saving Kamapua‘a the trouble. “This place has only a handful of warriors. We could storm in, take whatever we need, and deprive Poli‘ahu of her supporters in the process.”
Kamapua‘a grunted. “Nah. She might hear about it and be on her guard.”
“She’s going to be on guard anyway. Men from all across Sawaiki are trying to kill her! Drawing her down off the mountain will give you a better chance to overcome her.”
Well that made sense. On the other hand … “I saw you looking at that girl anyway,” Kama said to Ioane. “You want her, just go ask her. No need for slaughter and rape and shit. It’s rude.”
“Right. Like none of us have seen you massacre dozens of people and rape five women in one night.”
Oh. That wasn’t Kamapua‘a. That was the Boar God, and Kama had never much liked how he felt afterward. Like he had an eel in his gut.
Sometimes, if the Boar God got too angry, he couldn’t stop it from coming to the surface. That, and on full moons, the god was overpowering. But Kama had never told the others he couldn’t control himself.
Not even a wink would reassure men who heard their leader got possessed by a god from time to time.
Kamapua‘a cleared his throat. “Here’s what’s what. I don’t want you starting any raids or fights or shit while I’m gone. Set up in the valley, away from people, a nice camp out in the woods. I’m gonna go kill a queen, and then we all go home heroes.”
Now Ioane frowned. “The men want some plunder. It’s been hard to come by of late, and Kana will hardly blame us for raiding a village belonging to his enemies.”
Ah. Shit. Another good point.
Always a problem when the men had points. It just made things more complicated.
“You realize these people just fed us and gave us a place to stay the night?”
“Which gave us the chance to get the layout of the village and a count of their warriors. Enough to know we can do this tomorrow night. Best case, Poli‘ahu comes down to fight you for it. Worst case, she’s distracted while you hunt her.”
Kama found himself missing Makani. Ioane was kind of a shitter. But he was a smart shitter. Almost as smart as Kamapua‘a. Finally, Kama scratched his head. “All right, then. Prep the raid for tomorrow night.”
He’d led plenty of raids himself against Haki’s people. But this, now … well, it had that eel feeling in his gut again.