The cascade of ice and snow pitched over the cliff’s edge like a waterfall passing over Kamapua‘a’s head as he climbed. Stray rocks and ice chips pummeled him until he lost his grip on the mountain and skittered downward. The skin on his knees ripped open before he caught himself, one hand grasping an icy rock. He was spun around, staring at white oblivion rushing before him.
A glowing ember in the midst of the snow plummeted past him.
The one he’d heard about, who’d come up here. The shitting flame kupua.
The sound of the mountain passing overhead was like the roar of a mo‘o, except unending. A constant, deafening, all-consuming current that swallowed even the sound of his own screams.
“Stupid shit-shitting shitters!” Not being able to hear the sound of his own voice only made the terror worse.
Even as the avalanche finally ebbed, giving way to a few final tumbling pebbles, a fresh pit opened in his stomach. That ember had to have been Pele. Stupid lava woman had gotten herself thrown off a mountain.
Even Kama knew better than to do that.
And if she had lost consciousness in the fall, she wouldn’t be able to melt the snow around her. It would suffocate her.
Well, pig shit.
He looked down. The falling snows had filled in the base of the cliff so that the drop was maybe a hundred feet. If he landed on rock, a fall from that height might kill even a mighty wereboar.
It was not his problem. He’d come here to kill Poli‘ahu. Or else marry her and carry her off somewhere where she couldn’t hurt Kama’s kin anymore.
Sure, maybe he couldn’t do much for his nephews what with being banished and shit.
But killing the Snow Queen would’ve gotten all forgiven.
It was a fine plan.
Of course, he’d heard this Pele was allied with Aukele. Kama barely knew his half-brother, but maybe saving her would earn him some reward, too.
Shit, shit, shit. Ugly stinking pig shit.
He spun around, back toward the cliff, and braced himself with both feet. Then he kicked off it, propelling himself as far away from the rocks as his legs—mighty legs!—could carry him. For a moment, he was flying.
It kinda felt like falling.
He hit the snow with such impact he was buried fifteen feet deep. Snow scraped his arms and legs and chest as he pitched downward. No rocks though. That was a blessing. He rubbed his nose. Shit, was it cold down here.
He bucked and thrashed, managing to dislodge his legs while pouring a fresh helping of snow on his head. Yeah, there was no going straight up outta this hole. But maybe he could burrow like a worm. Grumbling, he dug his way upward at an angle. It was hard being a worm. Way harder than swimming. And colder. Worms must be cold little shitters.
He dug until at last he breached the surface, then hefted himself up. No time to waste.
“Pele!” He climbed to his feet and trudged around the snow. He stomped across the seemingly endless stretch of white. “It’s time to get hot for me, your royal emberness.”
No answer.
“Aloha! Fire Tits! Come light me up!”
There was no way. She couldn’t be dead. Kama would shitting kill her if she was dead and he’d just thrown himself off a shitting cliff for her.
He raced across the slope, stopping occasionally to rummage through the snow. Shitting shit shits. She had to be here somewhere.
Running on, his foot slipped on ice and he spun around to land face first on a thick chunk of it.
“Ow.”
What was an ice block doing in the middle of the snowfield? And inside it, a shadow. A woman.
“Pele …?” Kama pushed himself up on his arms to allow sunlight to reflect on the ice.
She was trapped in ice. Did the Snow Queen do that on purpose? Or maybe Pele had melted the snow but it had refrozen around her. It was shitting cold up here, after all.
Kama punched the ice block. The impact sent a shock coursing up his wrist and into his elbow. It split open his knuckles, but the ice cracked too. He pounded it again and again, his blood smearing the ice until he could no longer clearly make her out inside it.
“Shit, well, that’s thoroughly incontinent.”
Kamapua‘a roared, slamming both fists against the ice over and over. Shards of it embedded in his palms, his forearms. They flew free until he managed to break away a chunk of it the size of his torso. He tossed the chunk aside and kept digging, pounding, smashing.
And then, impossibly, blessed radiance began to glow beneath the ice. The glow intensified and all at once the entire block evaporated in a cloud of steam that sent Kama tumbling down atop Pele.
In an instant he had rolled over to look into her eyes. They stared up at the sky, not even seeing him. Her breath was faint, uneven. By the akua, she was gorgeous. Kama wrapped bloody arms around her and pulled her close, hoping to share his body heat with her.
“Stupid Lava Girl. Gotta start a shitting avalanche. You should learn hula. It’s a way better use of your time than mass destruction. Or surfing, commune with the … well, you probably don’t commune with the ocean. Shit, even lava surfing would be better than burying yourself alive.” He shook her a little, but she had shut her eyes. “Your queenliness?”
She gave no answer. But he could hear her heartbeat, too faint for his liking. The Flame Queen was out cold. And he couldn’t leave her here alone, which meant he had no way to easily go after Poli‘ahu at the moment.
Oh well. For now, all he could do was try to keep Pele warm and safe.
She was, after all, shitting beautiful.