Kama cleared his throat and beamed at the queen he’d just saved. “I am His Royal Egregiously Incorrigibleness, Kamapua‘a the Mighty.” He thumped his thumb against his chest. “Extra mighty. Shitting extremity, you might even call me.”
“What?” Pele shook her head like she thought maybe she was still dreaming. Understandable, given how dreamlike Kama was when he wanted to be.
He had charm coming out of every shitting orifice in his body. “I just want to say, your flaminess, I shitting love you.”
Pele’s face screwed up in what he chose to take as a half smile, then she strode toward him, eyes darkening. With each step, a tendril of smoke began to waft off her shoulders. Then all at once, her hair burst into flame. Her eyes were lit by it, unearthly in their furious beauty.
As she drew near, he had to fall back a step from the incredible heat surging off her body.
“Who do you think you are?” she demanded.
“Well, uh … I think I’m Kamapua‘a. I thought we covered that. You know? Father of your future children. Fulfiller of your secret passions. Also, lots of fun at a luau.”
For a moment she stood there, mouth agape. Sometimes he had that effect on people. Then she placed both palms on his chest and shoved him. Her strength was nothing compared to his, but still he fell back, his bare chest scorched where she had touched him. The pain didn’t end with her contact and he looked down to see her handprints, fingers and all, seared into his chest like great red welts.
Well, shit.
Yeah. He was going to have so much sex with her. Musicians would write songs about them. The Love of Pele and Kamapua‘a. It would be a classic played at wedding feasts for centuries. He could hear it now, played on a pahu drum—bumpa-bumpa-boooom!
“We’re definitely shitting marrying.”
Pele sneered at him. “You are a buffoon. My gratitude for your having saved my life is the only reason I don’t reduce you to a charred husk of smoldering bones. I am afraid to even ask why you insist on lacing your every word with shit.”
“Oh! Well that’s easy. Big sis says people don’t like it if you say ‘fuck’ every other word. People are less offended by offal than by love, though.” Kamapua‘a cleared his throat. “Not me of course. I’m plenty good with sex. Speaking of which, on account of the gratitude and all, you are going to spread your legs, right? Boar’s all riled up and shit. You wanna see?”
Pele flexed her fingers once, then a flame leapt from her palm, surging up from her skin. It was no larger than a torch fire, but it sat there in her hand, not burning her any more than the fire in her hair did.
Glorious.
“Yeah, that is shitting amazing. Never did the shit with someone on fire, but I figure the first time will be down right expulsive.”
The woman snarled, whipping her arms forward like reeds, throwing lashes of fire at him that drove him stumbling away.
“Whoa, what the shit? I promise, my blood is as noble as any. I’m a descendant of Uli herself, and that’s saying something. You and me, we’d make a perfect pair. Matched as well as my two balls, you know. They’re both excellent, in case you wanted to know.”
Her eyes narrowed. “I know who you are. You are a fucking swine.”
“Now, see big sis says you shouldn’t say f—”
“You are a hog. The son of a hog, fit only to be a servant, and not one I’d ever let in the house, much less my bed!”
“Stop, don’t do that—” he begged.
“You, pig man, have lived as a bandit, feeding off the suffering of your own people. You are an animal, and if you come near me, you’ll be roasted alive.”
He felt it, then. The Boar God shifting around inside him. Deep inside his soul. Rage and arousal commingling into a haze of red-hot emotion that blurred his vision. It was in him, clawing its way up from his gut and pulsing down into his cock.
The beast that demanded respect. It demanded everything.
No one had ever shitting respected him. She blamed him for banditry? Old Haki’s rejections and resentments had forced Kama. Called up the boar.
Just like this woman.
A growl escaped his chest. Hard to … even … keep human form like this. His muscles began to tighten, shift and grow under the moonlight.
“Losing … control …”
Pele’s eyes widened and she fell back a few steps. “You are truly a madman. Or you are a slave … to that akua inside you.”
“No more … insults …” Kama snarled at her. He couldn’t take it anymore. Who did the bitch think she was? Who? Who!
Were these his thoughts?
Stop, stop, stop this, before …
* * *
The Boar God lunged at her, caught her wrists, ignoring the sizzle as his flesh burned and peeled. He felt nothing but the rage and lust.
Rage and lust.
Rage and lust!
He had already grown over seven feet tall, was still growing.
He forced her down, easily jerking her legs apart with his own. Enlarged like this, she was so tiny beneath him.
She was screaming, snarling like an animal herself. Thrashing, as he struggled to get inside her. The whole mountain trembling with his lust. The boar had enlarged his whole body, now pushing eight feet tall, so large he could barely fit in—
Something snared him under the chin.
Heaved.
Flung him end over end, the wind whipping past his face in a blur even as he crashed upside down into the snows.
* * *
The impact blew the Boar God out of him, giving Kamapua‘a control for an instant. Groaning, Kama rolled over to look up and see a man standing above him, steam rising off the stranger’s head and shoulders, billowing from his mouth and nose in a cloud that obscured his face.
Before Kama could even gain his feet, the stranger had seized him up with one hand under his chin and hefted him off the ground. Kama gasped, choking. This shitter was as strong as he was, at least.
Kama grabbed the man’s wrist and struggled to pry his fingers loose. The stranger thrust his arm outward and flung Kama bodily down the slope. He hit snow, rolled, tumbling in a blinding white haze, hit something shitting hard, and blasted all wind from his lungs. Kept tumbling.
Spinning round and round.
Smacked something else that cracked under his rising momentum.
And then Kama fell free, flailing in midair as he pitched over the edge of a precipice, unable to even scream for lack of breath.