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Airplanes and Airports
You show up to the airport to catch the red-eye, only to discover that the plane won’t start boarding for another three hours. How do you catch some shut-eye? When you finally board the plane, it’s filled with screaming babies, and your’re crammed in the middle seat, sandwiched between two flatulent fatties. How do you sleep now?
How to Sleep Comfortably in an Airport with a Newspaper
WHAT YOU NEED
WHAT TO DO
1. Find an inconspicuous corner of the airport waiting area, ideally against a wall and behind a row of seats.
2. Place the newspaper on the floor, spreading out the sheets to cover an area the length of your body.
3. Lie down on the sheets of newspaper.
4. Place a section of newspaper over your face to form a tent.
HOW IT WORKS
The newspaper insulates your body from any germs on the carpeted floor, and the tent of newspaper over your face creates darkness and a sense of privacy.
You can fashion a pillow from a sweatshirt or sweater (folded to the size of a pillow) or a down jacket (folded to the thickness of a pillow). A down jacket also doubles as a makeshift blanket.
SLEEP ON IT
- The website www.sleepinginairports.net offers tips for sleeping comfortably and safely in airports and rates airports based on “sleepability.”
- Actress Yennis Cheung, who played the casino cashier in the 2012 James Bond film Skyfall, told the Express that when her family first moved to Hong Kong when she was a few months old, they slept on newspaper.
- In “Putting Myself Together” in the New Yorker, Antiguan American novelist Jamaica Kincaid recalls her poverty-stricken early life and tells of giving herself coffee enemas and sleeping on newspaper.
OFF THE BEATEN TRACK
Get Access to First-Class Airport Lounges
Instead of waiting around a crowded airport terminal with screaming babies, smelly restrooms, and nothing to eat but overpriced burgers at T.G.I. Friday’s, imagine yourself relaxing in a spacious executive lounge with a complimentary bar (fully stocked), a glorious buffet, comfortable leather chairs, free Wi-Fi, big-screen televisions, complimentary computers with Internet access, complimentary headphones for your music-listening pleasure, complimentary magazines and newspapers, and spa-like showers and changing rooms so you can freshen up in style. If you’ve got a tediously long layover, your flight has been delayed endlessly, or you have to check out of your hotel with nowhere else to go, an executive airport lounge provides a remarkable oasis of peace. But how do you get inside these fortresses of solitude if you’re not traveling first-class?
- Buy a Day Pass Online. If you buy yourself lunch or dinner in an airport, you’ll wind up spending roughly $20 for a Styrofoam bowl of kung pao chicken and a can of lukewarm Miller Lite served in an overcrowded food court teeming with wheeled luggage. But if you buy yourself day access to an executive lounge (ranging in price from $29 to $50), you can enjoy an upscale all-you-can-eat buffet and ply yourself with all the Chivas Regal you can drink. Rather than paying the full price, go online before you arrive at the airport and buy the pass for up to 50 percent off the regular price. Poof! You’re in the lap of luxury for the additional cost of a supersized Big Mac value meal.
- Buy an Annual Pass. If you fly the same airline constantly, consider buying an annual pass to the airline lounge. Instead of paying cash for the exorbitant $450–$500 annual fee, buy the pass with frequent flyer miles. Or try to get your employer to pay for it. (By the way, the annual pass allows you to bring at least one guest for free—cutting your cost in half and giving you a great way to impress business associates, appease a spouse, or seduce a hot prospect traveling coach.)
- Get Ballsy. As mentioned above, annual pass holders are entitled to bring a guest for free. Stand by the door to the first-class lounge and ask someone about to step inside to take you in as a guest (offering to pay the guest fee, if there is one). You can be completely up front or tell ’em, “Drat! My annual pass just expired last week!”
- Buy a Low-Cost Universal Club Pass. If you plan to fly on a variety of airlines over the next year, you can buy an annual pass that gives you access to the first-class lounges for a wide range of airlines. For $99 Priority Pass gives you access to more than 600 airline lounges in more than 100 countries and more than 300 cities worldwide (provided you pay an additional $27 for each club visit). Plus, you can bring a guest (for yet another $27).
- Upgrade to Business Class on an International Flight Using Frequent Flyer Miles. If you’ve got frequent flyer miles, upgrading to business class usually gets you use of the lounge. It costs a ton of miles, but if you’re determined to pamper yourself with both a business-class seat and a relaxing wait in the first-class lounge, this little trick opens the door to the Cave of Wonders.
- Apply for a Kick-Ass Credit Card. If you’re willing to pay the pricey annual fee, some fancy-schmancy credit cards give you and your immediate family access to specific airlines’ first-class lounges—provided you have a ticket to fly that day on that particular airline. Hoity-toity credit cards that provide this service include the American Express Platinum Card ($450 annual fee) and the Ameriprise World Elite MasterCard ($150 annual fee). The hefty price tag does include a host of other intriguing benefits—like extended warranties, concierge services, and bragging rights—that may make the steep cost worthwhile to you.
- Hunt for Fly-by-Night Bargains. It sounds incongruous, but the airlines actually put annual memberships and day passes to their first-class lounges on sale (for short bursts of time)—with savings of up to 43 percent off the regular price. Unfortunately, the best way to learn about these discounts is by signing yourself up to receive spam from the airlines that interest you most. For instance, you’ll have to register for Delta’s email blast, “Like” the airline on Facebook, and follow Delta on Twitter. But your fanatical devotion can pay off big-time.
- Get a Frequent Flyer Discount. If you’ve got gazillions of frequent flyer miles in one particular airline’s program, and if that airline has knighted you with some type of crème de la crème status, you may be eligible for a discount (typically 20 percent) off the annual membership to the first-class lounge, or a free subscription to the in-flight magazine—your choice.
- Check Out eBay and Craigslist. You can sometimes find someone attempting to sell an airport lounge day pass dirt cheap on a resale website. Before buying a pass from an unknown seller, verify that the terms and conditions printed on the pass state that the pass is transferable to someone not related to the buyer. Confirm the expiration date, and think twice before buying a day pass for lounges operated by Pan Am, TWA, or Eastern.
- Do a Little Homework. Before you slap down your money to use any airport lounge, make sure the facility provides the amenities you desire. Otherwise, you may be paying for the privilege of sitting in a storage closet that makes the terminal waiting area look like Barbie’s Malibu Dreamhouse. Consult the reviews at AirlineQuality.com and LoungeGuide.net, or ask for a tour of the lounge before you say “I do.”
How to Incapacitate a Hijacker with a Pot of Coffee
WHAT YOU NEED
- Pot of boiling-hot coffee from the kitchen area of the plane
WHAT TO DO
1. Carefully grab a pot of boiling-hot coffee from one of the food trolleys or the galley.
2. Hurl the hot coffee in the hijacker’s face (or trip the hijacker and then pour hot coffee in his face).
3. Whack the incapacitated hijacker in the head with the coffee pot.
HOW IT WORKS
The hot coffee burns the hijacker, diverting his attention long enough for other passengers to help subdue him.
WAKE UP AND SMELL THE COFFEE
Things aboard an airplane that can be used as a weapon to confront a hijacker:
- Crash Ax. This tool, stored in the cockpit for the purpose of hacking through the skin of an airplane in an emergency, can be used like a regular ax.
- Fire Extinguisher. Discharge the halon fire extinguisher to temporarily incapacitate the hijacker and then hit him in the head with the butt of the heavy metal canister.
- Nosedive. The pilot swoops into a nosedive, creating zero-g forces that pin the hijacker to the airplane’s ceiling.
COFFEE, TEA, OR ME
On February 7, 2002, Pablo Moreira Mosca, a 29-year-old bank employee from Uruguay, attempted to break into the cockpit of United Airlines Flight 855 from Miami to Buenos Aires. Mosca crashed into the reinforced cockpit door and maneuvered his upper body into the cockpit, before the copilot hit him with the blunt end of an ax. Fellow passengers helped subdue him and tie him to a seat using their seat belts.
How to Relieve an Air-Pressure Earache with a Drinking Cup
WHAT YOU NEED
- Tissue or paper towel
- Plastic or paper cup
WHAT TO DO
1. Carefully dampen a tissue or a paper towel with hot water (hot tea or hot coffee will also work), ball it up, and place it in the bottom of a plastic or paper cup.
2. Hold the cup over your affected ear.
HOW IT WORKS
The steam from the hot water softens the wax in your ear, alleviating the pain caused by the change in pressure in an airplane.
GETTING AN EARFUL
- Flying in an airplane while suffering from ear problems can result in excruciating pain. Taking an over-the-counter decongestant an hour before the flight can relieve the congestion in the eustachian tube, preventing pain during changes in air pressure.
- The mere act of swallowing, yawning, chewing gum, or drinking a glass of water opens the eustachian tubes, allowing them to drain.
- In 1935, during an exhibition of Van Gogh’s paintings at New York’s Museum of Modern Art, prankster Hugh Troy hung on the wall a velvet-lined shadowbox containing a piece of dried beef he had carved into the shape of an ear, with a sign that read, “This is the ear that Van Gogh cut off and sent to his mistress Dec. 24, 1888.”
- In the 1966 movie Fantastic Voyage, starring Raquel Welch, the shrunken scientists traveling through a sedated human body in a microscopic submarine pass through the inner ear. When a nurse in the outside surgery room accidentally drops a tool, the resulting sound, amplified by the eardrum, causes the ship to toss and turn uncontrollably.
EVERY TRICK IN THE BOOK
All Ears
- Chewing Gum. Alleviate an earache caused by the change in pressure in an airplane by chewing a piece of gum. The muscular action of chewing gum opens the eustachian tubes, which run from the back of the throat to the middle ear.
- Hard Candy. Relieve an earache caused by the change in pressure in an airplane by sucking on a piece of hard candy. The candy causes your mouth to salivate, and the resulting swallowing action opens the eustachian tubes in your ears.
- Vodka. If bacteria is causing the pain your ear, and you don’t have rubbing alcohol (because you’re flying aboard an airplane), pour some vodka (available in a mini-bottle from the flight attendants) into the affected ear and let it drain out. The alcohol in the vodka kills the bacteria. If you prefer to use an ear dropper, insert the end of a plastic drinking straw or a hollow swizzle stick into the vodka, cover the open end of the straw with your finger, hold the straw over your ear, and release your finger from the straw.
- Ziplock Freezer Bag. Fill a ziplock bag with warm water, seal securely, and hold the bag against your ear as a hot compress. The warm bag conforms to the contours of your ear and provides relief.
How to Make Noise-Canceling Headphones with a Tennis Ball
WHAT YOU NEED
- Utility knife or scissors
- Tennis ball
- Pair of panty hose
WHAT TO DO
1. Before leaving for the airport, use a utility knife or scissors to carefully cut the tennis ball in half. Do not bring the knife or scissors to the airport.
2. On the flight, place the pair of panty hose over your head, wearing the waistband like a headband.
3. Insert each tennis ball under the panty hose and over each one of your ears.
4. Adjust the waistband to hold the tennis balls securely in place.
HOW IT WORKS
The pair of panty hose holds the tennis ball halves in place over your ears, the spherical shell (a 6-milimeter-thick composite of rubber and cloth) significantly muffles the surrounding noise, and the resulting appearance makes an interesting fashion statement.
OFF THE BEATEN TRACK
How to Check Your Carry-On Bag for Free
If you wait to board the plane last, you can easily volunteer to check your luggage in the cargo hold, which the flight attendants will do for free.
EVERY TRICK IN THE BOOK
Tennis Anyone?
Here are a few more ways you can share the love with tennis balls:
- Store Valuables. Make a 2-inch slit along one seam of a tennis ball, then place valuables inside. If you hide the doctored tennis ball among your other sports equipment, remember not to use it.
- Fluff Your Down Jacket in the Dryer and Reduce Static Cling. Throw in a handful of tennis balls to fluff the down while the jacket is tumbling in the dryer.
- Childproof the Sharp Corners of Furniture. Cut old tennis balls in half or quarters and use packaging tape to tape the sections over sharp corners of coffee tables, end tables, cabinets, dining room tables, and other pieces of furniture that might be dangerous to a small child.
- Make a Walker Glide Easily. Cut a hole in two tennis balls and fit them on the back feet of the walker.
- Remove Cobwebs from Unreachable Places. Wrap a tennis ball inside a dust cloth secured with a few rubber bands, then toss at the distant cobweb.
- Strengthen Your Grip and Relieve Stress. Squeeze a tennis ball in each hand.
- Prevent Snoring. Sew a tennis ball inside a pocket on the back of your pajama top to prevent you from sleeping on your back.
- Stop a Deck Chair from Slipping Through the Cracks of a Dock. Slit four tennis balls and fit them on the feet of the deck chair.
How to Fashion a Sleep Mask from Maxi Pads
WHAT YOU NEED
WHAT TO DO
1. Place one maxi pad (adhesive strip up) on a flat surface and peel off the paper protecting the adhesive strip.
2. Locate the midpoint of the first shoelace, and then carefully place the midsection of the shoelace lengthwise along the adhesive strip on the maxi pad.
3. Locate the midpoint of the second shoelace, then carefully place the midsection of the second shoelace lengthwise (¼ inch below the first shoelace) along the adhesive strip on the maxi pad.
4. Peel off the paper protecting the adhesive strip from the second maxi pad.
5. Line up the second maxi pad (adhesive side down) to cover the first maxi pad (adhesive side up) and the attached sections of the shoelaces.
6. Press the second maxi pad firmly in place to attach it to the first maxi pad, with the attached sections of the shoelaces sandwiched between them.
7. Place the maxi pad mask over your eyes, and tie the shoelaces behind your head to hold the eye mask in place.
HOW IT WORKS
The adhesive strips hold the maxi pads and shoelaces together, and the resulting sleep mask is both comfortably padded and thick enough to block out surrounding light.
DREAM ON
In South Korea, the most sleep-deprived nation of 18 developed countries, many long-distance commuters nap during their morning subway ride. In 2015, Burger King, which has 202 restaurants in South Korea, offered sleep masks to commuters at five major subway stations in Seoul. Printed across each sleep mask was a message asking other commuters to wake the wearer up in time for his stop. Each mask came with two coupons for free coffee at Burger King, so the wearer could use one coupon and share the other with the person who woke him up.
OFF THE BEATEN TRACK
How to Earn Tons of Frequent Flyer Miles
- Use a credit card that offers frequent flyer miles for every purchase you make. Charging nearly every purchase you make to the credit card (groceries, electric bill, entertainment)—and then paying the credit card bill in full every month—gives you tons of miles.
- Sign up for airline newsletters. These mailings offer all sorts of deals and promotions to give you extra miles.
- Sign up for a credit card that offers anywhere between 40,000 and 100,000 frequent flyer miles just for signing up and waives the annual fee for the first year. Be sure to read the fine print to rule out any hidden fees.
- Consider the monetary advantages of getting an airline credit card that offers free checked luggage.
- Try to fly one airline consistently to help you rack up miles on that frequent flyer program. Otherwise, you’ll be earning miles on a number of airlines, never accumulating enough miles for a free flight.
- Monitor your frequent flyer accounts and record the expiration dates for miles you have acquired. You can extend the expiration dates by simply making a purchase of an item you intended to purchase anyway from a retail store through the airline’s website.
How to Improvise Earplugs with Tampons
WHAT YOU NEED
- 2 appropriately sized tampons (such as o.b. Tampons)
WHAT TO DO
1. Unwrap the cellophane wrapper from the tampons, insert the ends of the tampons into your ears, and adjust them to fit snugly.
2. The tampons come equipped with convenient strings that make removal a snap. The strings also give the tampons a decorative touch, like fancy earrings.
HOW IT WORKS
The compressed cotton creates a somewhat effective sound barrier.
SOUND OFF
- In 1974, Rolling Stone reported that an inebriated John Lennon, attending the Troubadour nightclub in Los Angeles to see soul singer Ann Peebles, ended up with a tampon stuck to his forehead. “Don’t you know who I am?” Lennon reportedly asked a waitress. “Yes,” replied the waitress. “You’re some asshole with a Kotex on his forehead.”
- A British man who stuffed two tampons up his nose to try to stop his snoring suffocated in his sleep on January 23, 1996. After drinking wine and taking a few sleeping pills, Mark Gleeson, 26, of Headley Down, Hampshire—encouraged by his girlfriend, Tracey Lambert—stuck two of her tampons up his nose and secured them with tape before going to sleep on her sofa.
- In the 2006 movie She’s the Man, Viola (Amanda Bynes) masquerades as her brother Sebastian and attends school in his place. When Sebastian’s roommates find tampons in her bag, Viola (disguised as Sebastian) claims to use them to control “really bad nosebleeds.”
- In an episode of Curb Your Enthusiasm (“The Divorce,” season 8, episode 1) Larry David instructs a Girl Scout how to use a tampon. Later in the episode, David gets punched in the nose and deals with the resulting nosebleed by inserting a tampon into his nostril.
EVERY TRICK IN THE BOOK
Tampons Tricks
Tampons have plenty of hidden uses:
- Clean Eyeglasses. Rubbing the lenses of eyeglasses with a tampon cleans them beautifully. The cotton absorbs grease and grime, without leaving behind any lint.
- Deodorize Shoes. Place a tampon dampened with vinegar inside each shoe or sneaker overnight. By morning, odors will be gone.
- Deodorize Your Car. Instead of using a pine-scented tree, dampen a tampon with vinegar and hang it from your rearview mirror by the convenient string.
- Improvise a Toothbrush. In a pinch, a tampon can be used as a toothbrush.
- Repel Moles or Gophers. Saturate a tampon with ammonia, insert the engorged cotton deeply into the tunnel opening, and fill the tunnel with dirt. The pungent fumes will prompt the animals to tunnel elsewhere.
- Shine Shoes. To shine shoes, use the cotton tip of a tampon to buff. Many soldiers in the United States military buff their shoes and boots with tampons to achieve an impressive shine for inspections.
- Stop Wounds from Bleeding. Use a tampon as a compress for wounds or lacerations to control heavy bleeding. In an emergency, you can hold the tampon in place by tying it with string or duct tape.
How to Sleep on a Plane with a Beach Ball
WHAT YOU NEED
- An inflatable beach ball, 20-inch diameter (uninflated)
- Sweatshirt, sweater, or T-shirt (optional)
WHAT TO DO
1. Put your tray table down.
2. Inflate the beach ball and secure the nozzle shut.
3. If desired, place the inflated beach ball inside a sweatshirt, sweater, or T-shirt.
4. Place the beach ball on the tray table with the nozzle facing the surface.
5. Wrap your arms around the beach ball to hold it in place, and rest your head on the beach ball as a pillow.
HOW IT WORKS
The beach ball provides sufficient elevation from the tray table (approximately 14 inches) and keeps your body in a comfortable position for sleeping when you rest your head on the cushion. To decrease the height and soften the pillow, just let a little air out of the inflated beach ball.
SWEET DREAMS
- A beach ball can be used as a pillow of any size, a back support, or a seat cushion on a plane, train, or bus ride. It also makes a great play toy to entertain children anywhere in the world.
- Concertgoers, crowds at sporting events, and graduates at commencement ceremonies often volley beach balls around the crowd.
- Trained seals can frequently balance a beach ball on their noses.
- A beach ball can be used to play volleyball or water polo.
- Several American cities have painted their water towers to resemble a beach ball, including Hallandale Beach, Florida; Pensacola Beach, Florida; and Ocean City, Maryland.
- The multicolored wait cursor that appears in Apple’s Mac operating system when the computer takes longer than usual to execute a certain task is often known as the “spinning beach ball of death.”
How to Deodorize Flatulence with Whiskey
WHAT YOU NEED
- Mini-bottle of whiskey
- Napkin, bandana, coffee filter, or maxi pad
WHAT TO DO
1. If anonymous passengers in your vicinity expel gas, stinking up the surrounding area, purchase a mini-bottle of whiskey from a flight attendant and ask for a napkin.
2. Dampen the napkin with some whiskey, hold it over your nose, and breathe through the napkin.
HOW IT WORKS
Whiskey masks the scent of the sulfur compounds responsible for the foul-smelling odor of intestinal gas.
CREATING A STINK
- The average individual passes gas between 13 and 21 times a day.
- Changes in air pressure cause the digestive system to generate more gas.
- Many airplane passengers, intimated by their proximity to other people and the social stigma associated with releasing gas, attempt to hold in their flatulence. However, five gastroenterologists from Denmark and Britain published a study in the New Zealand Medical Journal in 2013 reporting that stifling the natural process “holds significant drawbacks for the individual such as discomfort and even pain, bloating, dyspepsia and pyrosis just to name but a few resulting abdominal symptoms.”
- Women’s farts tend to smell more odiferous than men’s.
OFF THE BEATEN TRACK
How to Buy a Cheap Plane Ticket
Here are surefire secrets to booking cheap airfares:
- Book Six Weeks in Advance. A study by the Airlines Reporting Corporation in 2012 revealed that passengers who buy their ticket six weeks before their flight pay the lowest price, nearly 6 percent below the average fare.
- Consider Buying Your Ticket on Tuesday at 3:00 pm EST. On this day and time airlines release the most sales, according to a study by Farecompare.com, although the day and time of the best deals can vary widely.
- Buy Your Airline Tickets During the Best Time Frame. For domestic fares in the United States, buy your ticket between 3 months and 30 days before departure. For international fares, buy your ticket between 5½ months and 1½ months before departure.
- Fly on Tuesdays, Wednesday, and Saturdays. Tuesdays, Wednesdays, and Saturdays are usually the cheapest days to fly because fewer people wish to fly on those days, according to Rick Seaney, chief executive of farecompare.com.
- Avoid Flying on Fridays and Sundays. Fridays and Sundays are the most expensive days to fly, says Seaney. Vacation travelers like to head out early on Friday after work, and business travelers like to head out to Monday-morning meetings a day early, on Sunday.
- Consider the Cheapest Times to Fly. The red-eye and flights that take off at the crack of dawn are the least popular and, consequently, the least expensive.
- Check Low-Cost Airlines Separately. Comparison sites like Kayak do not always include budget airlines like Southwest and Ryanair.
- Consider Extra Fees. Before buying your ticket, be sure to calculate the baggage fees that may boost your cost.
- Compare Connecting Flights to Nonstop Flights. A flight with one or more stops along the way can save you as much as 50 percent off the ticket price.
- Shop for Each Passenger Separately. When the airline sells multiple tickets in a single transaction, the airline reservation system charges each ticket at the same price. In other words, if you shop for two people, and there is one ticket left for $100 but several tickets available for $200, you’ll pay $200 for each ticket. But if you book the seats separately, you’ll pay $100 for the first ticket and $200 for the second, saving $100.
- Fly into Larger Airports. Airlines offer cheaper fares to hubs and large airports. Instead of flying in and out of a small local airport, compare the price of driving a few hours to or from a larger airport.
How to Make a Diaper out of a Maxi Pad and a Hand Towel
WHAT YOU NEED
- Maxi pad
- Airline blanket (or hand towel or pillow case)
- Safety pins (or duct tape)
WHAT TO DO
1. Place the blanket on a flat surface, fold it into a square, and then fold the square in half diagonally to form a right triangle. (The longest side of the triangle is the hypotenuse; the angle of the triangle opposite the hypotenuse is 90°.)
2. Peel off the adhesive strip from the back of the maxi pad, and adhere the maxi pad to the blanket to bisect the triangle along the imaginary line between the midpoint of the hypotenuse and the apex of the 90° angle.
3. Lay the baby with his crotch centered on the maxi pad on top of the blanket and facing the 90° angle of the triangle.
4. Fold the bottom end (the 90° angle of the triangle) of the blanket over the baby’s belly.
5. Use safety pins to attach the back corners of the folded blanket to the front corners. (Or wrap strips of duct tape like a belt around the blanket to hold the makeshift diaper together.)
HOW IT WORKS
The blanket holds the absorbent maxi pad against the baby’s bottom, and the maxi pad will soak up the bulk of any discharge.
OFF THE BEATEN TRACK
How to Avoid Getting Sick on a Plane
- To prevent getting infected with bacteria when you fly, bring along a 3-ounce bottle of alcohol-based hand sanitizer and a small pack of disinfectant wipes. When you take your seat, wipe down the armrests and tray table. According to a study conducted by Auburn University in Alabama, the highest levels of bacteria on a plane can be found on the chair upholstery, the tray table, the armrests, the toilet handle, the seat belts, the seatback pocket, the remote control, the window shade, and the door handles of the bathroom.
- Do not use the airline pillows or blankets. The unwashed pillowcases and blankets transmit germs. Instead, bring a sweater or jacket to stay warm. Use a blanket only if it’s sealed in a plastic bag. If you bring you own neck pillow, be sure to launder it at home afterward.
- If you need to use the bathroom on a long-haul flight, do so early into the flight, rather than after several hours in the air. The bathroom gets filthier as the flight progresses because no one cleans them during the flight.
- Stay hydrated.
- Use a tissue or a paper towel to open bathroom doorknobs and touch toilet handles.
- Avoid touching your eyes with your fingers. Tear ducts provide the quickest route for germs to get to the nose and throat.
- Do not worry about the air in the cabin. The aircraft is equipped with HEPA (High Efficiency Particulate Air) filters, which remove bacteria and viruses from the air.
- Wearing a surgical mask will not protect you from Ebola or other serious diseases. Surgical masks are also generally ineffective at preventing colds and flu. The masks help prevent surgeons from spreading bacteria and contaminating patients, but do not protect the surgeons themselves from infection, as germs can enter through the mask. Surgical masks need to be changed every two hours to avoid contamination.
How to Entertain Noisy Kids with an Airsick Bag
WHAT YOU NEED
- Airsick bag
- Indelible markers or crayons
WHAT TO DO
1. Lay the paper bag on the tray table with the opening of the bag facing toward you and the folded bottom of the bag facing up. The bottom will become your puppet’s face.
2. Use the indelible markers or crayons to draw an upper lip just above the flap created by the bottom of the bag and a lower lip on the side of the bag just below the flap.
3. Draw facial features (eyes, nose, hair, mustache, etc.) above the flap on the folded bottom of the bag.
4. Open the flap created by the bottom of the bag to find the space between the upper and lower lip that will become the inside of your puppet’s mouth. Draw teeth, a tongue, or anything else you choose.
5. Draw clothing, arms, and hands below the flap on the side of the bag.
6. To use the puppet, insert your hand into the bag and place your fingers in the flap. Move your fingers up and down to make the mouth move while you do the talking.
7. Make two or more hand puppets, giving you the ability to act out a story or put on a play.
HOW IT WORKS
Any paper bag can be made into a unique puppet, providing hours of entertainment for kids.
BAG OF TRICKS
- In 1949, inventor Gilmore Tilmen Schjeldahl created the world’s first plastic-lined airsick bag—for Northwest Orient Airlines. Previously, airsick bags had been made from waxed paper. In his basement at home in Chicago, Schjeldahl and his wife, Charlene, discovered how to cut and seal sheets of polyethylene with hot knives. With a $100 investment, he went into business making polyethylene bags for packaging, eventually manufacturing an airsick bag with a plastic liner.
- Songwriter Nick Cave wrote an entire book on the back of airsick bags, an epic poem he started writing at the beginning of his 22-city tour in 2014 with his band the Bad Seeds. The Sick Bag Song, published in 2014 and described by the New York Times as “a mash-up of prose, poetry, song lyrics, and autobiography,” includes full-color reproductions of the airsick bags adorned with Cave’s scribbles.
- At the 1999 Aircraft Owners and Pilots Association Convention in Atlantic City, the Summit Bank of Wayne, New Jersey, determined to promote its low interest rates for aviation financing, handed out free barf bags printed with the headline Sick of High Rates?
- In 2000, British graphic designer Oz Dean, founder of the Australian design firm forcefeed:swede, created Design for Chunks, an annual online competition for artists to design innovative airsick bags. “I was intrigued to see how other designers would illustrate the usually plain in-flight sickbag,” wrote Dean. The project quickly achieved cult status among graphic designers, and in 2004, Virgin Atlantic airlines, realizing the promotional value of the bags, issued a limited-edition set of 20 differently designed bags, printing half a million bags.
- If you’re looking for something entertaining to do during a long flight, the 2009 book Barfbag Origami by Chris Marks gives step-by-step instructions on how to use the ancient Japanese art of paper folding to create a work of art from the airsick bag taken from the seatback pocket in front of you. The book features “Twenty-Seven First-Class Gags to Get Your Creative Juices Flowing.”
- Guinness World Records recognizes Dutchman Niek Vermeulen as having the largest collection of airsick bags in the world, with 6,290 different bags from 1,191 different airlines as of February 28, 2012.
SICK JOKES
Here are a few other ways you can entertain yourself with an airsick bag:
- Play “Mystery Quest.” One passenger covertly places an object into the airsick bag and seals it shut. The second passenger must guess the contents solely by feeling or shaking the bag.
- Rubbings. Place a coin or similar flat object inside the airsick bag. Rub a crayon on the bag to create a full-scale facsimile of the item.
- Trick or Treat. Color the airsick bag with Halloween decorations, and send your child trick-or-treating up and down the aisle and to the flight attendants in the galley.
OFF THE BEATEN TRACK
How to Choose the Best Seat on Any Plane
- The section of the plane in front of the engines is generally quietest in terms of engine noise.
- The rear of the cabin tends to get the most engine noise and the bumpiest ride if the plane encounters turbulence.
- Flights that are not fully booked tend to have more empty seats at the back of the plane, giving you more room to stretch out.
- For sleeping and fewer disturbances, a window seat provides the comfort of a cabin wall. However, the curvature of the cabin wall may impede shoulder room.
- The middle seat is considered the worst seat because you’re sandwiched between two passengers who may elbow you recurrently.
- The aisle seat gives you more freedom to move about the cabin, but passengers and crew members walking past tend to bump into you, and you’ll have to get out of your seat to let the passengers seated in your row use the restroom.
- A seat in an exit row gives you more legroom, but your tray table and video screen will be stored in the armrest.
- A bulkhead seat, located immediately behind a wall, offers more legroom and the luxury of having no seat that might recline in front of you. The tray table and video screen will be stored in the armrest.
- Seats near a restroom may put you in striking distance of irksome odors and the noise of the toilet flush. Passengers continually line up in the aisle to use the restroom, and when the lights in the cabin are darkened so passengers can sleep, every time a passenger opens the restroom door, bright light is emitted.
- Seats near the galleys generally suffer from more foot traffic, noise, and bright light.
How to Give Yourself a Foot Massage with Golf Balls
WHAT YOU NEED
- Scissors
- Pair of panty hose
- 3 to 6 golf balls
WHAT TO DO
1. Before leaving for the airport, use scissors to carefully cut off one leg of the pair of panty hose at the knee. Leave the scissors at home.
2. Insert the golf balls into the panty hose leg.
3. Tie a knot in the open end to secure the balls inside the panty hose leg.
4. Remove your shoes and place them under the seat in front of you.
5. Place the panty hose leg on the floor beneath your feet.
6. Roll one foot at a time over the golf balls.
HOW IT WORKS
The golf balls inside the panty hose leg massage your feet, and the nylon panty hose leg prevents the balls from scattering and getting lost.
THERE’S THE RUB
- You can also use three tennis balls and a sock to create both a back massager and foot massager.
- More people play golf than any other outdoor sport.
- Golf balls always spin backward when struck, which, if the balls were smooth, would create higher air pressure above the ball, preventing it from traveling more than 70 yards. Dimples in the ball carry air upward over the top, creating low air pressure over the ball, allowing it to be driven up to 300 yards.
- At the center of most golf balls is a sac filled with a liquid substance, usually castor oil and liquid silicone.
- Some farmers in Australia place golf balls under nesting hens to coax the chickens into thinking their eggs have not been taken so they’ll lay more. But in 2008, in New South Wales, a 32-inch-long carpet python mistook the golf balls for eggs and swallowed four of them. Veterinarians at the Currumbin Wildlife Sanctuary x-rayed the snake and, deciding that the reptile would not pass the golf balls naturally, surgically removed them.
EVERY TRICK IN THE BOOK
Got Balls?
Here are some other uses for golf balls.
- Coat Rack. Drill a hole through the center of a few golf balls, and use 2-inch screws to attach the balls (spaced a few inches apart) to a plank of wood to create a stylish coat rack.
- Drain Stopper. If you can’t find the plug, block the drain with a golf ball (first making certain the opening is smaller than the ball to avoid getting a golf ball stuck in the pipe). The suction created by the water pressure holds the golf ball in place, and the golf ball prevents the water from draining from the sink or tub.
- Garden Edging. Push a bunch of golf balls into the soil around your flowerbeds or vegetable garden or along your garden footpath to create beautiful edging.
- Jacks Ball. If you can’t find the small, red rubber ball used for playing jacks, a golf ball makes an excellent substitute.
- Picnic Tablecloth Weights. To prevent the wind from blowing a picnic tablecloth off the table, fold back each of the four corners of the tablecloth and sew each triangular pocket around its own golf ball. The weight of the golf balls will help hold the tablecloth to the table.
- Potted Plant Drainage. Line the bottom of a plant pot with some golf balls, add potting soil, and situate your plant. The golf balls allow water to drain without dirt escaping from the pot.
- Vase Filler. Plunk several golf balls inside a vase to provide stabilizing weight, add some uniqueness to the decor, and hold the flowers in place.