5

TRAINS AND BUSES

“Enclosing every thin man, there’s a fat man demanding elbow-room,” wrote British novelist Evelyn Waugh in Officers and Gentlemen. Riding a train or bus can be simultaneously exhilarating and exasperating. The sense of freedom, the feeling of adventure, and the beauty of the bucolic scenery clash with the hassles of guarding your luggage, sleeping upright in a chair, maintaining your hygiene, enduring ennui, dealing with inconsiderate passengers, and coping with the foul stench of the restroom. Do you sit back and enjoy the ride? Or worry yourself sick?

How to Shower on a Train with a Water Bottle

WHAT YOU NEED

• 1-liter water bottle
• Restroom sink
• Boiling-hot water (optional)
• Washcloth
• Soap
• Shampoo
• Towel

WHAT TO DO

1. Carefully fill the water bottle halfway with hot water from the tap in the restroom, or, if the water is not hot enough, with boiling-hot water from the café or dining car.

2. Fill the rest of the bottle with cold water from the tap in the restroom.

3. Seal the cap or lid of the bottle shut securely, and shake well to yield lukewarm water.

4. Saturate the washcloth with water, and rub yourself with the damp cloth. Rinse the washcloth frequently, using no more than half the water in the bottle.

5. Use the soap to lather yourself, but minimize the amount you use. Lathering up excessively requires more water than you have to effectively wash off the suds. Do use soap for your underarms and private parts, and wash off the suds with the damp washcloth.

6. Use a drop of shampoo to lather up your hair. You’ll be surprised how little shampoo you need to accomplish this. Bending over to hold your head down near the sink, use the remaining water to rinse your hair clean.

7. Towel yourself dry.

HOW IT WORKS

The most convenient way to use a basin for bathing is to use cloths or sponges to bring up the water to the rest of the body, while standing or kneeling, and then using a pitcher to rinse off soap and dirt. When water is in short supply or a shower or bathtub is unavailable, a sponge bath cleans the body, though less effectively than a shower or bath.

SQUEAKY CLEAN

• To give yourself a refreshing sponge bath, fill a sink with tepid water and add two tablespoons of baking soda. Dampen a sponge or washcloth in the solution and wipe yourself down. The baking soda, a natural deodorizer, leaves you smelling fresh.
• A sponge bath, an alternative to bathing in a tub or showering, is commonly used for hospital patients who cannot stand in a shower or bathe safely in a tub, young babies who could slip in a tub, and patients with dementia or Alzheimer’s disease who may become disoriented or violent.

OFF THE BEATEN TRACK

How to Get the Best Seat on a Train or Bus

The most comfortable place to sit on a train or bus is undoubtedly on the inside. Here are more practical tips:

TRAINS

• On a single-level train, the most comfortable seats are in the middle of the car. These seats are farthest away from the doors (which passengers repeatedly open, allowing noise from outside to enter, and then slam shut again) and the wheels (giving you a smoother ride).
• On the upper level of a Superliner, sit ahead of the stairs (because the light is on all night) but not too near the backdoor.
• For more legroom on a Superliner, sit just behind the stairs on the upper level.
• For a smoother ride on a Superliner, sit in the center on the lower level. The corridor to other cars is located on the upper level, minimizing foot traffic on the lower level. However, the clicketyclack of track noise is less prominent on the upper level.
• For the best side of the train for the most scenic views, ask the conductor or consider where the train travels on a map. For instance, on a trip from San Francisco to Los Angeles, traveling along the coastline, the right side will afford the best views. On the return trip heading north, the left side will be the most picturesque.
• Before you settle into your seat, make sure the overhead lights, reclining mechanism, tray table, and footrest work properly.
• If you’re seeking a peaceful journey free from people talking on cell phones, playing loud video games, or yakking at high volume, choose a seat in the quiet car.

BUSES

• The most comfortable seats are in the middle of the bus, farthest away from the wheels (giving you a smoother ride).
• Avoid sitting anywhere near the restroom in the rear of the bus. Otherwise you’ll be bombarded with the unpleasant aroma of industrial-strength cleansers and human waste.
• Before you settle into your seat, make sure the overhead lights, reclining mechanism, tray table, and footrest work properly.
• When you first take a seat, sit in an aisle seat, so boarding passengers are less likely to sit next to you—if you wish to be left alone. No one wants to squeeze past a stranger for a window seat, improving your chances of getting two seats to yourself.
• If the bus provides television screens with free videos, select a seat with a direct view of the screen.
• Determine where the sun will be positioned during your journey. To avoid the blinding light or blazing heat, sit on the left side of the bus if you are headed north in the morning and on the right side in the afternoon.

TRICKS OF THE TRADE

To keep a row of two seats on a train or bus to yourself …

• Sit in the aisle seat and pile your bags (daypack, purse, briefcase, shopping bags) on the seat next to you to dissuade others from sitting next to you or asking you to move your belongings.
• Avoid making eye contact with anyone boarding the train or bus, or close your eyes and pretend to be asleep.
• Put on a pair of headphones, bob your head, and quietly sing to the music. Most people will avoid sitting next to anyone talking to himself or acting potentially crazy.

How to Bathe with Baby Wipes

WHAT YOU NEED

• Baby wipes in unscented, aloe, or “fresh scent” (avoid floral or baby powder scents)
• Deodorant

WHAT TO DO

1. Lock yourself in a private bathroom aboard the train or bus or find a securely locked bathroom stall in a bus station.

2. Remove your clothing.

3. Wipe down your body thoroughly, using three to four baby wipes.

4. Repeat if necessary.

5. Apply deodorant liberally.

HOW IT WORKS

The plastic container baby wipes come in keeps the towelettes moist, and the wipes clean grime and perspiration from your body.

CLEAN UP YOUR ACT

• Do not bathe with baby wipes more than twice in a row without a genuine shower. Otherwise you will begin to reek.
• In 2009, People reported that Brad Pitt sometimes cleans up with baby wipes to save time between scene changes on the set.
• Mother Jones reported in 2010 that although showers comprise 17 percent of indoor residential water use in the United States, bathing with baby wipes is not environmentally sound. The water required to grow the wood, manufacture the paper, produce the chemical solution the wipes are soaked in, and package and ship the wipes far exceeds the water used for a five-minute shower with a low-flow showerhead.
• Wipes may be a better choice than showers during droughts or disasters with limited water supply, conceded Jonathan Kaledin, a water conservation expert at the Nature Conservancy, but a short shower is generally more environmentally efficient than bathing with wipes.
• To bathe efficiently: lower the temperature on your water heater to save energy, turn the water off while you soap up, and install a low-flow showerhead.

EVERY TRICK IN THE BOOK

Other Uses for Baby Wipes

Baby wipes have a wide array of alternative uses:

• Coffee Stain Remover. Blot up spilled coffee from a rug or carpet. Baby wipes absorb coffee without leaving a stain.
• Hand Cleaner. Keep a box of baby wipes in the trunk of your car to clean your hands after pumping gas or changing the oil.
• Scrape and Bruise Sanitizer. Baby wipes are great for cleaning a minor abrasion.
• Shoe Shiner. Simply wipe your shoes with a baby wipe.
• Toilet Paper Substitute. Use baby wipes as gentle toilet paper to avoid aggravating sensitive hemorrhoids or after an episiotomy.

How to Secure Your Luggage with a Shoelace

WHAT YOU NEED

• Shoelace (or necktie or belt)

WHAT TO DO

1. When traveling on a train or bus, turn your luggage in the luggage rack so the handles face away from the aisle.

2. Use a shoelace to tie your suitcases together and, if possible, to the railing on the rack—all with secure double knots.

HOW IT WORKS

Turning the handles away from the aisle makes the bags harder to grab quickly without creating a scene. Tying the two bags together prevents a thief from grabbing one bag without being tethered by the second bag. Fastening the bags to the railing also prevents the bags from leaving the luggage rack.

A MIXED BAG

• Thieves are more apt to steal smaller items than a large, bulky suitcase that inhibits a fast getaway.
• An opportunistic thief will, in all likelihood, choose the easiest target—which a bag locked to a railing is not.
• Carry a lightweight, retractable cable lock (available wherever bicycle accessories are sold), or make your own cable with parts at a hardware store and purchase a combination lock. Use the cable to tie your suitcases together and lock them around a steel pole or rail on the luggage rack.
• Trains stop in stations for short times, so if you lock your luggage, be sure to leave sufficient time before your stop to unfasten the lock and chain.
• A lock and cable can also be used to strap your luggage together when being held by the concierge, to a fixture in a hotel room, or inside the trunk of your car.
• If you’re traveling by bus with your bags in the luggage compartment, keep watch when the bus stops to make sure none of your luggage walks off by itself.

RUNAWAY TRAINS

Scores of Hollywood movies and television shows depict runaway trains and actors cleverly stopping them. And the winners are:

• Death Train (2003). Escaped convicts commandeer a passenger train in the Mexican countryside and hold the passengers hostage at gunpoint while the runaway train hurtles toward a deadly impact.
• How the West Was Won (1962). The film climaxes with a gunfight between Zeb Rawlings (George Peppard) and Charlie Gant (Eli Wallach) aboard a runaway train hurtling across the desert.
• Mystery Train (1931). During a jewel heist on the Transcontinental Limited, a group of passengers gets trapped in a runaway Pullman car hurtling down a steep mountain grade.
• Runaway Train (1985). Jon Voight and Eric Roberts star as escaped prisoners trapped on a runaway train in Alaska.
• Silver Streak (1976). Gene Wilder and Richard Pryor try to prevent a passenger train from colliding with a train station.
• The Taking of Pelham One Two Three (1974). Hijackers override a New York City subway car’s dead-man switch, causing the runaway train to travel faster and faster toward the end of the line.
• Unstoppable (2010). Denzel Washington tries to stop a runaway train loaded with toxic chemicals and headed for a small town in the Midwest.

How to Make a Portable Television with a Ziplock Bag

WHAT YOU NEED

• Smart phone
• Ziplock freezer bag
• Ballpoint pen
• Headset
• Binder clip (optional)

WHAT TO DO

1. Place your smart phone inside the ziplock freezer bag.

2. Zip the bag shut most of the way (leaving an opening roughly 1 inch long), suck the remaining air from the bag, and seal the bag shut.

3. Use the tip of a ballpoint pen to punch a hang hole in the top of the bag, in the center just above the zipper strip.

4. Poke a small hole in the side of the plastic bag to accommodate your headset plug.

5. Hang the bag from the latch used to hold the tray table upright.

6. If desired, secure the bag to the latch with a binder clip.

HOW IT WORKS

The latch holds the plastic bag in place, and the bag serves as a hammock for your smart phone.

SCREEN TIME

• Placing a cell phone inside a securely sealed ziplock bag prevents the device from getting wet from rain or perspiration or when sitting near a pool, sailing in open waters, visiting the beach, or fishing.
• A plastic bag is a selectively permeable membrane, meaning some molecules can diffuse through the plastic. Through osmosis, a solvent (such as water) with a low concentration of solute outside the plastic bag can move through the plastic into a high concentration of solute inside the bag.
• In an episode of the television show The League (“The Sacko Bowl,” season 2, episode 13), Jenny (Katie Aselton) pulls back the shower curtain to find Kevin (Stephen Rannazzisi) holding a smart phone in a plastic bag.

EVERY TRICK IN THE BOOK

Putting the Zip in Ziplock

• Bathing Suit Bag. Store a wet swimsuit in a large ziplock freezer bag until you can let it dry out properly, to avoid getting everything in your bag wet and containing the possible growth of mold or mildew.
• Camera and mp3 Player Bags. Store your camera and mp3 player in a ziplock bag to keep your electronic devices dry.
• Camera Protector. To protect your camera from rain, place the camera inside a large, upside-down ziplock freezer bag and cut a tight hole for the lens to stick through. Use a rubber band to secure the plastic bag to the end of the lens. Insert your hand into the upside-down bag to use the camera.
• Coffee and Tea Kit. Store tea bags and packets of instant coffee, sugar, and creamer so you’re always prepared for a coffee or tea break.
• Electronic Cord Storage. Wires and chargers easily fit in a ziplock bag.
• Fish Food Holder. When snorkeling, feed the fish with a few slices of bread stored in a ziplock bag.
• Instant Ice Pack. If you need an ice pack, simply fill the bag at the hotel ice machine and wrap it in a thin towel.
• Jewelry Box. Place your rings, earrings, and necklaces in a ziplock bag to prevent them from getting scattered or misplaced.
• Miniature Travel Hamper. Place your dirty laundry in a ziplock bag to prevent any soiled garments from contaminating clean clothes.
• Portable Medicine Cabinet. Store your bottles of prescription and over-the-counter medicines and vitamins in a large ziplock bag.
• Store Important Papers. Place passports, travel documents, money, and souvenir brochures inside a waterproof ziplock bag.
• Toiletry Bag. Place all your liquid and gel toiletries from your carry-on luggage in a ziplock bag before going through an airport security check to hasten the inspection.

How to Endure Foul Restroom Odors with Vicks VapoRub

WHAT YOU NEED

• Jar of Vicks VapoRub
• Tissue (or a few sheets of toilet paper)

WHAT TO DO

1. Before using a foul-smelling restroom, smear a dab of Vicks VapoRub above your upper lip.

2. Be sure to place the jar in a safe place before using the restroom so it doesn’t accidentally drop into the toilet or onto the floor.

3. When you’re finished using the toilet, wipe the pungent salve from your face with a tissue.

HOW IT WORKS

A dab of Vick VapoRub—a salve made from eucalyptus and menthol—masks the scent of foul-smelling odors.

DOWN THE TUBES

• On trains in many parts of the world, human waste is flushed onto the train tracks, and signs warn against using the toilets while the train is stopped in a station.
• On a bus, waste is held in a holding tank directly beneath the toilet. In some bus toilets a flap closes to hide the view of the holding tank. Other bus toilets have no flap, leaving the holding tank in view. Bus toilets use a blue formaldehyde product to help mask the odor. A vent in the bathroom pulls odors from the bathroom to outside the bus. Bus operators usually empty the holding tank through a sewer hose and into a sewer after every trip to minimize odors.
• In the first edition of Tibet: A Travel Survival Kit (Lonely Planet, 1986), authors Michael Buckley and Robert Strauss provide a memorable description of the toilets in Tibet: “The trek to the toilet is an arduous one and you’d best come well-equipped for the ordeal. First, try not to look at the floor. Some of these toilets look like they’ve been backed up since the 1st century. Since the sanitation system is nonexistent, the stuff just stays in the fly-infested pits below. A nose-peg and a set of horse-halters would be a good idea. A swig of whisky before the assault is recommended, and some are known to put a dab of Tiger Balm or Chanel No. 5 on the upper lip to minimize the overpowering smells. Toilet paper is mandatory—carry your own supply. You’ll need a flashlight to make sure you don’t fall into the back-up at night.”
• People working in a morgue often smear Vicks VapoRub above their upper lip to mask the odor of a decomposing corpse—as dramatized in the 1991 movie The Silence of the Lambs.
• In 2007, zookeepers at Paultons Park near Romsey in Hampshire, England, prevented their two existing meerkats from instinctually attacking three newcomers by putting Vicks VapoRub on the nose of each meerkat to hide the scents of the others long enough for all of them to accept each other.
• In 1905, Lunsford Richardson, a pharmacist working in his brother-inlaw’s drugstore in Selma, North Carolina, aspired to create an ointment to decongest sinuses and relieve chest congestion. In the backroom laboratory of the pharmacy, he blended menthol (a newly introduced extract from oil of peppermint), petroleum jelly, and other ingredients and named his creation Richardson’s Croup and Pneumonia Cure Salve. When rubbed on the forehead and chest, the salve—vaporized by body heat—stimulated blood circulation and decongested blocked sinuses. Demand for the salve exceeded Richardson’s wildest expectations, prompting the pharmacist to market his new remedy. Seeking a catchier name for the product, Richardson decided to name it in honor of his brother-in-law, Joshua Vick. He advertised Vicks VapoRub in local newspapers, with coupons redeemable for a free trial jar.

OFF THE BEATEN TRACK

Long-Distance Survival Secrets

• Bring Snacks. A few treats (fruit, granola bars, mixed nuts, sandwiches, and beverages) provide sustenance to help you endure the long haul and help save money at restaurant stops.
• Watch Your Bags. If you check any luggage, wait to see that it gets loaded into the compartment on the side of the bus. Also, make sure the destination tags on your checked luggage match your ticket destination.
• Use the Restroom at Rest Stops. Rather than using the not-so-sanitary bathroom in the back of the bus and getting your bum splashed with blue disinfectant, take advantage of rest stops at bus stations with more hygienic facilities.
• Bring a Neck Pillow, Sleep Mask, and Earplugs. To make yourself more comfortable and help you sleep, pack these luxury items. In a pinch, a rolled-up jacket or sweatshirt doubles as a pillow.
• Bring Entertainment. A book, iPod, laptop computer, or portable DVD player will help pass the time. If the bus line provides free Wi-Fi, enjoy use of the Internet.
• Do Not Bring Drugs or Alcohol. The driver has the power to throw drunk passengers off the bus, or call the police to have drug users escorted off the bus and arrested.
• Keep Your Valuables Concealed on Your Person. Prevent your wallet, purse, or other valuables from getting stolen by keeping them close to your body.
• Travel Light. Take a small wheeled suitcase and a small carry-on bag to avoid having to lug large suitcases through a bus station.
• Bring Toilet Paper and Hand Sanitizer. This way, you’re prepared for an odious bus toilet.
• Stretch. When the bus makes a rest stop, get off to stretch your legs, which will help rejuvenate your weary mind and body.
• Return to the Bus in Time. If you get off the bus at a rest stop, make sure to take your valuables with you and get back on the bus in plenty of time. Bus drivers abandon stragglers at rest stops.

How to Jump from a Moving Train with a Suitcase of Clothes

WHAT YOU NEED

• Rugged clothing
• Extra clothes
• Blankets
• Pillows
• Towels
• Newspaper
• Pocketknife (optional)

WHAT TO DO

1. Prepare yourself for the reality of the situation. If you jump from a train moving at 70 miles per hour, inertia will cause you to go flying into the air at the same velocity as the train. In other words, you’ll hit the ground while moving forward at roughly 70 miles per hour. The only thing to stop your forward velocity is the friction between your body and the ground, which can cause serious injuries or death. Realize that if you survive the initial impact and subsequent rolling, your injuries will doubtlessly require hospitalization.

2. If, after considering the likely consequences, you still wish to jump, put on rugged clothing and stuff other garments, blankets, pillows, towels, or crumpled-up sheets of newspaper into your clothes for padding. Also secure padding around your head, knees, hips, and joints. If necessary and possible, use a pocketknife to slash open the seat cushions and use the foam padding.

3. Walk to the back of the train, or locate a door between adjoining carriages that you can force open.

4. Wait for the train to slow while moving uphill or rounding a bend, and choose to jump when the train passes a grassy area without literal stumbling blocks like trees, shrubs, fences, walls, pavement, boulders, rocks, or gravel.

5. Hurl your suitcase from the train.

6. Squat close to the floor or the bottom step, bend your knees, and spring forward, leaping perpendicular to the direction of the train and as far as possible from the moving train.

7. Do not attempt to land on your feet, which risks breaking your ankles or legs. Instead, use your hands and arms to cover your head, straighten your body, allow your entire body to hit the ground at once, and then roll like a log.

HOW IT WORKS

Layers of clothing and padding will help protect your body from injury when you hit the ground at 70 miles per hour. Jumping perpendicular to the direction of the train prevents your forward momentum from hurtling you toward the steel wheels and tracks. Allowing the length of your body to hit the ground at once disperses the impact, and rolling on the ground may further help mitigate physical injury.