Doom

T

hings between us felt good enough to introduce her to Mother and Father, and that is exactly what I did. I knew Mother would love her, but even I was surprised by how much Father loved her. We do not see each other that often anymore due to my job. But she gave me a piece of wonderful news after dinner. "I am pregnant." I looked at her, too stunned to speak.

I could see from her leg bouncing that she was not sure how I would react. Is she pregnant? Am I going to have a child? So many thoughts ran through my head as I tried to form words. I decided to ask her how she felt about it. "I am happy." "So am I." I immediately hugged her.

My God, can you believe it? I am going to be a father. I have never seen my father cry, but when I told him, he began to bawl like a baby. He hugged me and would not let go. I myself was so happy that I felt like floating. I wanted Hannah and me to move in together, but Hannah told me she was going to be living with Taylor for the first few months.

I still have not met Taylor. I know she is Hannah's sister, but I still did not want to leave Hannah in the hands of someone who was a stranger to me. Hannah told me I was being silly and that she trusted Taylor, so I must trust her as well. Even though I still feel uncomfortable about it, I let it go.

Mother and Father sat me down yesterday and gave me some news. "Jacques, now that you are starting your own family, we want you to live in this house." Of course, I was perplexed and completely against it. How and why would I ever ask them to move out? But they were adamant.

They wanted me and Hannah to move into the house as soon as the baby was born. When I tried to object, my father shut me down. "Look, Jacques, we have already paid the down payment on an apartment three blocks from here. We will move there as soon as Hannah delivers. So, stop trying to dissuade us and call Hannah."

I am not sure how I feel about everything. I am happy, of course. But everything feels like it is happening so fast. I will be a father. I am moving into my own house. I will definitely get married. Everything is just a lot. Even though I liked Hannah for months before we started dating, I had no idea we would end up together.

It is both a frightening and a wonderful feeling. I talked to Hannah about it as well. She told me she was feeling the same mix of emotions, and it was getting worse as her due date was growing nearer. I tried to comfort her, but both of us were feeling so nervous I was pretty sure it did not work.

##

It's tomorrow. Tomorrow is the day. Tomorrow, I will be a father. "By the way, will Taylor come, or is she still adamant on her agenda to avoid me?" Hannah smacked my head when I said that. Last month, she moved in with me in the house. Mother came every single day to help and scold me. "Of course, she will come. She might not like you, but she loves me enough to love this child as well." The last month has been so wholesome.

I felt like this was what my life was supposed to be. I was surrounded by the people I loved, and I was happy and content, and it all just felt like it clicked. It felt like my life had been a puzzle, and I finally found the last piece in Hannah. There was no one moment in the past month where I felt anything but at peace.

Even when things went wrong at work, I knew happiness was waiting for me at home. Unfortunately, Mother and Father won't be at the hospital. Aunt is sick, and they both left yesterday to attend to her. I am shaking both with anticipation and nervousness. I am afraid something might go wrong, but at the same time, I have never been this excited.

##

My bad feeling turned out to be correct. I have no idea how to say this. I do not even know what to say. Hannah had a miscarriage. She is fine. I know I should be happy that Hannah is okay, but there is such a huge hole in my life. I feel like I lost everything. How can I even feel this way? I never met the child. Yet, I feel so lost. I do not know how to comfort her; I do not know how to comfort myself.

Taylor is there for Hannah, but nothing is working out. I cannot sleep; I cannot eat. I feel like crying at odd hours of the day. I did not want Hannah to feel worse, so I threw out the baby stuff we had bought. I had imagined a baby in it. It was so hard to pick that stuff up and just throw it away.

With every single thing I picked up, it felt like I was tearing a piece of my own heart and throwing it away. Hannah, understandably, has not been doing well. Every time I try to leave the hospital, she bawls like a child and asks me not to leave. Taylor is staying with us to help her through this, but I do not think anything will help Hannah right now.

Only time will tell how we progress through this. When I was throwing away the stuff, a terrifying thought crossed my mind. What if we never get past this? What if this void in us never gets filled, and we have to live like this forever? Mother has been trying to soothe me by saying it will get better, but I am not sure if I believe her.

Even if I try to move past this, I feel guilty even trying. Something so tragic has happened; how can I even attempt to put it behind me? I want to be there for Hannah and reassure her that it gets better, but how can I do that when I do not believe it myself? We had even begun building a nursery on the backside of the house.

How can we stand to be around kids anymore when we lost ours before every meeting him/her/them? Taylor, too, asked me to get rid of the idea. She shared my thoughts that it might be too hard for Hannah to be around children right now.

##

Hannah is back home. We are trying to move past it together; I am not sure if it is working. I wake up, sometimes, to Hannah sobbing beside me. I was going to propose after the delivery, but I am not sure if I will anymore. Where do we go from here? Will we survive this? I have no energy to write anymore.

##

Something is wrong with Hannah. I cannot pinpoint it, but something is wrong. Her countenance is different. Some days, she is okay; she is the Hannah I know. But some nights, she just starts saying weird stuff and talking to the air. "This time, I will not let you leave." Who is she even talking to? I brought it up with Taylor.

Her expression really freaked me out because she looked so worried. She said it had happened a long time ago, back when they lost their parents. She said Hannah would go into a trance for long periods of time and would act very strangely. She even said sometimes she refused to recognize even Taylor.

"Should we consult a specialist?" I had asked Taylor. She thought about it and said, "She probably got triggered due to her loss. Let us wait and see how she handles it. If this behavior still persists, then, by all means, consult a specialist." I have decided to listen to Taylor. Sometimes I think life would have been so much better if she had never gotten pregnant. I know it is bad to think that, but everything has been so messed up ever since that I just do not know what to do.

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