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H
annah is getting worse as the delivery grows nearer. Only a month left. Whenever she is around Sophia, she changes into a different person. It is like Sophia is the trigger that stimulates her personality switch.
The weird thing is, she is the same person in both personalities; she just lives very different lives. I have not told Mother and Father about this. I confronted Taylor. "Why did you not tell me Hannah had dissociative identity disorder?" Taylor grew stunned when she heard me say that.
She instantly told me to talk in a lower tone and took me aside. "How did you find out?" I was perplexed. That is what she wants to ask me. That is her priority? "Does it matter? Is that what honestly matters to you?" Taylor gave me a murderous glare. Normally, I would back down.
But not today; she is in the wrong. "Does she know?" I finally built up the courage to ask her. Taylor fumbled with her hands again. "Taylor?!!" She jumped at my sudden loudness.
She then shook her head. "As soon as she was diagnosed, I took her out of the hospital. I was eighteen at the time, so I could do it. She never got treatment for it. I never told her either." I was baffled by the show of irresponsibility from Taylor. Did she leave her untreated? And Hannah does not even know? "Taylor! What were you thinking?! What are you going to do now? She is getting worse day by day. How do you explain yourself?!!" Taylor flinched at my tone, but I did not care. I get it. She was an eighteen-year-old who had just lost her parents and now suddenly had a seven-year-old who was her responsibility in all entirety. She was overwhelmed.
One cannot possibly expect an eighteen-year-old to take on so much responsibility. But why, even when they had grown up, did she never tell Hannah anything? "Well, she never exhibited the signs again after that period. To me, it felt like bringing it up would only trigger her, especially when, to me, it seemed like she was okay. I even thought that the doctors could have made a mistake." This was the first time I had seen Taylor this way.
She looked so fragile and vulnerable. The way she was fumbling her hands was worse than I had ever seen before. I could visibly see her sweating and dreading the conversation. Even when Hannah had that miscarriage and both Hannah, and I were broken, Taylor stood tall like an anchor for us. But at that time, she seemed like the eighteen-year-old she once was. It made me wonder, did she ever grow up from that? Or did she just create a wall around herself and Hannah to protect the both of them? It made me sad to think that way. "Taylor, we should tell her." Taylor looked at me with that same vulnerable look in her eyes. "She is already not doing well. It is time that she receives treatment. It is vital both for us and our unborn child." Taylor still looked skeptical, but she just nodded her head. I am determined to consult someone after the delivery.
##
I visited the doctor who had diagnosed Hannah. At first, he did not remember her. I do not blame him; it has been years since she was admitted. "Okay. I think I remember her vaguely." "Doctor, what can you tell me about dissociative identity disorder?" He pulled back in his chair and cracked his knuckles. "Dissociate identity disorder is quite rare.
It is a mental state in which the victim's identity splits itself into two different personalities. Oftentimes, it is a coping mechanism against grief, abuse, or trauma. Of course, every case varies, so one cannot say for sure before meeting the patient.
Hannah's case was one of protection from trauma. She was so distraught by her parent's death that she developed an ideal in her mind where her parents were still alive, and nothing ever changed. This idea morphed itself into a new personality, hence, the split personalities." I sat there, trying to digest the information he had just revealed. I had no idea what to feel. Do I feel deceived? How can I? Hannah herself knows nothing. "Do the personalities know about each other's existence?" I asked him. "Well, there is always a dominant personality.
The dominant personality knows about the other one, but that might require knowledge may not be reciprocated by the other personality." "What can I do to help?" The doctor seemed to be lost in thought when I asked him that. "There is not much you can do individually. She will, however, require long-term psychotherapy.
In it, we will attempt to deconstruct both of her personalities and then reconstruct them into one personality. This integration of personalities requires long-term treatment, but she will be okay afterward." I drove back home in silence. Hannah is so close to her delivery. Is this really the right time for such a step? Even if I tell her after the delivery, what happens then?
Will it not affect the child if she is so disturbed herself at the time? I shook my head at such a selfish thought. How can I possibly think that when Hannah's health is on the line? I had decided. After the delivery, I will take her to the best doctor in the city and will hold her hand throughout the process. I know it will be hard, but I have to. I know we can do it. I know we will be okay.
##
Tomorrow is delivery day. I am not sure how I am feeling. So many emotions coupled with the weight of what I must do after the delivery. I am scared. How will she take it? I was so sure I would propose this time, but I am not sure if it would be the right time to do so.
Hannah is the only person I would ever want to spend my life with. Why can nothing ever be okay with us? Sometimes I genuinely feel like the universe is against us. When I feel this way, it also feels like I am looking for excuses to be away from Hannah. Something changed after that night with Sophia. But no, I refuse to give up on her and us. I will fight for it.
##
IT IS A GIRL!!! Can you believe it? I have a daughter!!! Me!!! We named her Annette, Annette Frietz. Both Annette and Hannah are okay. God, you have no idea what I felt when the doctor said I have a girl, that I am a father. Me!!! When Annette was born, everything seemed so normal, so happy, so peaceful. I forgot all my worries that existed and still do exist.
I am the happiest man on earth. And Annette, she is so tiny and so small. She felt so fragile and vulnerable when I held her in my arms. I wanted to protect her from every single thing in the world. When her small hands closed around my finger for the first time, the emotion was so overwhelming that I began to cry. I do not know if they were happy tears or sad tears; I simply cried.
The way she fit into my hands, I felt like if I was not careful, I would break her. And Hannah, oh Hannah has been so full of life these past few days. "Your mouth is permanently going to morph into that smile." That is what Taylor had said to her because she could not stop smiling.
God, it is the most beautiful sight. She is normal even when she sees Sophia. Seeing her so happy and healthy, I have been thinking things over. Do I tell her? But what if it never happens again? What if it only happened because of the miscarriage? That should not be a problem anymore because the delivery was a success this time. What if it never happens again, but because I tell her, she relapses and is worse off than before? As I said, she has shown no signs of dissociative identity disorder at all since birth.
What if I only end up making things worse? When I get such thoughts, there is also always a small voice at the back of my head which says, what if I am only making excuses because I am scared of getting to know Hannah, who will emerge from the treatment and destroy this perfect little image I have in my head? I am terrified of that voice, terrified of it turning out to be true.
##
Everything is beyond perfect. I have never been this happy in my entire life. Annette connects Hannah and me on a level beyond just an emotional and physical connection. We look at each other, and we see our entire world together. It is such a wonderful feeling. I decided not to tell Hannah. She is doing wonderfully right now.
We are both happy and at peace. Everything is perfect after a very long time. I refuse to let anything ruin it. Today, I asked Taylor to watch Annette for tomorrow so I could take Hannah out on a date. Do not get me wrong, we love Annette, and we would not trade her for anything in the world. But the both of us have not had time with just each other in such a long time.
I think we both deserve a break. So, I arranged a date night. I will take her to her favorite restaurant, and we will have dinner, and then afterward, we will get ice cream from this place we used to go to after our evening classes. To conclude the evening, I will take her to the planetarium. I am so excited!!!
##
Something terrible happened. Right now, I am sitting on a train with Sophia. I cannot believe things turned bad so quickly. I cannot believe I did not see it coming. She lies beside me, wrapped up in the blanket like a cocoon. She did not deserve this, but what choice did I even have? She was not safe.
Hannah would have found her. If she had stayed with Doctor Tsunoda, Hannah would have put both of them in danger. But I feel so guilty. My conscience has not quieted down since I sat on the train.
Everywhere I look, I see her face. Everywhere I look, I see that crazed look in her eyes. Every sound feels like the shrill noise she let out before she charged at me. I should have taken her to the hospital. I should not have made excuses. If I had not made excuses back then, none of this would have happened. I would not have had to separate from the love of my life forever. I would not have had to separate from my own child, never to see them again. If only I had been braver. If only I had not been a coward. Now, as I watch the different sceneries pass by me, all I have are regrets.
##
I have finally gathered up the courage to write about what happened that night. It has been two months, yet it is still fresh in my mind.
Knock, knock, knock. There was a knock at the door. I heard the door being opened by Hannah and then the sound of a child. It must be Doctor Tsunoda dropping off Sophia. I walked toward Hannah to see what was happening and saw her sitting with Sophia in her lap while Annette slept in a cot beside her. "Everything alright with Doctor Tsunoda?" Hannah looked up at me when she heard my voice and nodded. "He just has something to do this evening and asked me if I could watch Sophia." To be honest, I am still skittish whenever Hannah is around Sophia.
Do not get me wrong, Sophia is a wonderful child, and I absolutely adore her. It is just that whenever she is around Hannah, I get flashbacks from that night, and I fear seeing that Hannah again. Even now, as I see her holding Sophia with nothing but affection, I can sense something deeper and darker. I never wanted to leave them alone whenever they were together, but I had to go to work.
As soon as I stepped foot into the house, I immediately sensed that something was wrong. My first clue? Annette lay on the sofa unattended, crying. Where was Hannah? However, my first priority was Annette. I picked her up and cradled her in my arms till she quieted down. After putting her in her room, I began to search for Hannah.
The house was eerily quiet except for one sound, humming. I could feel my own soul leaving my body. She only hummed that when she switched personalities. My worst fears had been realized, and I only had myself to blame for it. "Hannah?" When I called out her name, the humming stopped. Silence. Such silence that I could hear my own heartbeat. "Over here." I heard her voice coming from our bedroom.
At first, I did not move. If I moved, I would have to face the nightmare behind the door. I had no idea what I would do. So, I cautiously took my steps, one by one. I slowly opened the door to see Hannah sitting in the rocking chair with Sophia on her lap. She was slowly rocking back and forth. Her appearance was exactly as it had been when I left, but I knew it was not her. "Hannah, Annette was crying downstairs. Why did you leave her unattended?" She continued rocking back and forth. "Are you asking me to prioritize someone else's child above mine?" Someone else's child?
What does she mean? "What do you mean, Hannah? Annette is our child." Hannah stopped rocking as soon as I said that and turned her gaze toward me, a gaze full of hatred. "Are you crazy? Annette is someone else's child. Victoria is our child." I had no idea how to handle this. I could see her anger levels rising.
She looked like she was going to do something or pounce on me if I said another word. I had to take Sophia away from her. I slowly began to walk toward her. She sat very still. "Hannah, this is not you. This is not Victoria; this is Sophia. She is Doctor Tsunoda's daughter. Our daughter is Annette." Hannah had pure venom dripping from her eyes.
She abruptly stood up and kicked the chair back. Sophia began to cry in her arms. "Look what you did, Jacques. She is crying because of you. You do not even recognize your own daughter! You are sick! Get out of my sight." I was still walking toward her. "Hannah, give me the baby." At this, she truly became violent. "If you even touch this baby, I swear you will not live to see sunlight." At that point, I knew she was capable of murder.
She would do anything to protect the bubble she had created for herself. I need to take Sophia. I ran toward Hannah. She sensed my movement and immediately took flight from the room. I ran after her as she ran toward the kitchen. Kitchen? I realized, with horror, what she might do. I ran faster, but she threw stuff in my way. A lamp she had thrown hid me on the side of my head, momentarily slowing me down.
When I reached the kitchen, I saw her holding a knife. I stopped dead in my tracks. "Hannah..." "NO!" She shouted so loudly that even the foundation of the house seemed to shake. "I will not let you take her away from me. I will not let anyone near anything that I love. If you try to take her, I will kill her right here with myself. And you know who else I will kill? As soon as you give her to Doctor Tsunoda, I will hunt him down and murder him.
You will not be able to suppress me. I will go after anyone who has her." The knife in her hand proved her conviction. I stood rooted to my spot, unable to do anything. "Hannah, please, put down the knife. It will only harm who you love." Hannah only hissed at me in response and began to slowly step backward with the knife. Just as she opened the back door, I ran after her. She began running as well. I realized where she was going, to the nursery. Before I could reach her, she bolted inside and locked the door.
I kept banging on the door. "Hannah! Open the door!!!" I could hear Sophia's cries from the inside along with Hannah's hurried footsteps...and then, I heard a thud. My breath froze in my own lungs. I tried to break down the door, but it would not budge. All I could hear were Sophia's cries. Did she faint again? I ran to get the spare keys.
As soon as I entered the nursery, Sophia's sobs seemed to intensify. I ran toward her to see Hannah passed out on the floor while Sophia rolled over her stomach right beside her. I shushed Sophia before rushing toward Hannah. I tried to jolt her awake, but it did not work. Suddenly, she opened her eyes, a murderous gleam in them. Realizing she had faked it, I kicked the knife lying nearby. Hannah screamed and began to choke me, her fingernails digging into my neck.
I struggled to breathe as I tried to get her off me. "NO ONE WILL TAKE HER FROM ME!!!" I could feel my heart rate dropping as she continued to choke me. No, I cannot faint right now. Finally, I did something that I knew would haunt me for years. I pushed her with all my force, making her head bang against the cabinet.
I immediately stood up and scooped up Sophia as I ran toward the door. I could hear Hannah's wails and cries as she tried to get herself up. I felt my own tears streaming down my face. This cannot be happening. That was my only thought. I locked the nursery door from the outside as I ran barefoot. I could hear Hannah's wails ringing in my ears. She was banging her fists on the window behind me.
