Chapter Twelve

Sara

Tuesday in Econ, Julie came to sit by Sara before class started. “Want to have one more game night before we leave for Christmas break?”

“Sure.” She needed to talk to Ian before they left school, but she hadn’t been able to figure out how to do it.

“Thursday after dinner. See you there.” She went back to her normal seat with the Greens.

Ian entered the room and came to sit behind her. She could practically feel Ferrin bristle at his presence.

She turned to Ian. “Did you hear? We’re having one more game night before break.”

“On Friday?” he asked. “Because I’m going home after my last class.”

“Thursday.”

“That works.” Ian flashed a grin that made her heart beat faster, even though Ferrin was sitting right next to her. She was a terrible person.

During dinner, Ferrin said, “Are you meeting with your study group tomorrow?”

Uh-oh. Why did he want to know? “I’m not sure. I haven’t spoken to Lavinnea yet. Are you meeting with anyone tomorrow?”

“No. You have your game night Thursday, and then we leave for Christmas break Friday.”

What did he expect her to say? She needed to act like she wanted to spend time with him. “Do you want to have lunch in Dragon’s Bluff on Saturday?”

“Yes. I’m glad you suggested that. I was beginning to think you were avoiding me.” There was vulnerability in his tone she hadn’t heard before and, despite his glaring character flaws, guilt welled up inside of her.

“We’re networking, remember? My father said it’s the bonds he made during his time here at school that helped him win his bid for Speaker. Since that is your goal, I think we need to follow his advice.”

“You’re right.” He sat up straighter. “Since neither of us have anything tonight, we should take a walk in the gardens. I heard the Orange Clan created a Christmas display full of poinsettias and Christmas trees.”

“That sounds nice.” And it did. He was trying, and she appreciated it. Maybe he’d just needed a nudge to push him toward more socially appropriate behavior. Maybe he would mature. Even though, no matter how mature he became, he’d never be Ian.

And that wasn’t fair of her, but Ferrin didn’t make her heart beat faster like Ian did. And he didn’t make her laugh or feel loved like Ian did. Everything about Ian was good and warm and wonderful and it wasn’t fair that the universe expected her to live without him. But now wasn’t the time to dwell on that. She didn’t want to slip up and make Ferrin suspicious, so she’d play her role and pretend to enjoy his company until she could sneak off to be with Ian again.

The Christmas garden was amazing. The poinsettias were arranged in an alternating red and white pattern that made them look like giant candy canes. The Christmas trees ranged from a foot tall to twenty feet high and they had different flowering vines growing through their branches like garland. The scent of evergreen filled the air.

“This is magical,” Sara said.

“I thought you’d enjoy it.” Ferrin smiled at her, and it was a true smile. It gave her a glimpse into what could be, if he was happy and secure in his life. Maybe she owed him a chance to prove he was a better man than she thought he was.

After what turned out to be a pleasant walk with Ferrin, Sara went back to her room and lay wide awake in bed, contemplating her messed up life. She loved Ian and she knew he loved her, but they could never be together. And there were only so many times she could meet with him before someone discovered their secret, and when that happened Ferrin, her parents, the Directorate—none of them would show him any mercy.

She replayed the first time she’d met him in the library. How ironic that she’d met him because she was running from Ferrin. Wait a minute…if she’d been contracted to marry a less obnoxious Blue, she never would have met Ian. Maybe she’d still have read the adventure books and longed for a different life, but Ian wouldn’t be there to kiss her. Were her feelings for Ian—her entire relationship with him—due to circumstance?

What about Ian’s intended? It was easy to forget he was promised to someone else because she wasn’t here. If Amelia were here, Ian never would have kissed her. All of these thoughts made her head hurt, not to mention her heart. Ian was about to go home and see Amelia. She was going to spend three weeks with Ferrin. Maybe she owed it to Ferrin to really try to make this work. Maybe she owed it to Ian to let him have a normal life. Her eyes grew hot and filled with tears. She knew what she should do. She should end things with Ian before they left for Christmas break.

She rolled to her side, curled up in a ball, and let the tears flow. Breaking things off with Ian was the right thing to do. She owed it to Ferrin, her parents, and her Clan. But if that were true, why did the idea of letting him go feel like she was ripping out her heart?

The next day, Sara did her best to pretend it didn’t feel like she had a self-inflicted knife wound to her chest. Thinking about giving up Ian was causing her physical pain. Every breath took effort, as if there wasn’t enough oxygen in the room.

At their study group Wednesday night, Lavinnea pulled her aside. “What’s wrong?”

“I’m not sure. I’ve had a headache all day.”

“Why don’t you see a medic?” Lavinnea said. “I could walk with you, if you like.”

She hadn’t gone to see a medic because, in a strange way, she deserved this pain. She was going to hurt Ian, so why should she feel any relief? “Thank you for the offer. You’re hosting the study group. I wouldn’t want to pull you away.”

Sara said her goodbyes and then headed for the Medics office in the Science building. A stern looking Green Dragon sat at a desk, flipping through someone’s file.

“Excuse me,” Sara said.

The Green looked up and said, “What’s wrong?”

So much for small talk. “I’ve had a headache all day. I was hoping you could give me something to make it go away.”

“Why do you think your head hurts?”

“Stress, probably.”

The woman leaned back in her chair. “Why are you stressed?”

“The holidays, homework, my intended,” she tried to make it sound like a joke. “Take your pick.”

The medic stood and came toward Sara. “I’m going to scan you.”

“Okay.” This was always such an odd process. The woman put her hand on the top of Sara’s head. Warmth flowed from her scalp down her neck to her shoulder.

“No wonder your head hurts. Your muscles are all tensed up. I can treat you, but you’ll have to find a way to relax. You might want to try yoga.”

“It’s almost break. I’m sure I’ll relax at home.”

“This might feel hot. Let me know if it’s too much.”

The gentle warmth ramped up a few notches to true heat that flowed into her head, neck, and shoulders. After a few moments her muscles relaxed. “That’s better. Thank you.”

“You’re welcome.”

Thursday, Sara gave herself pep talks about how she was going to do the right thing. If only doing the right thing didn’t feel so wrong. There was also the problem of when she’d be able to talk to Ian privately. After playing games with Julie and Einstein, maybe they could go visit the pi sculpture one last time.

At dinner, she barely touched her food.

“Did you pick something you don’t like again?” Ferrin asked.

“No. I’m distracted.” She took a bite of her chicken Florentine.

“By what?”

“Christmas. I was running down my list of gifts, making sure I have everyone covered.”

“My father taught me you should always have a few extra gifts without name tags in case an unexpected guest shows up.”

“How can you be sure the gift would be appropriate?”

“He makes sure it’s something that would work for males or females, like rare bottles of wine or artisanal chocolates.”

“That’s a good idea.” She was surprised his father would care about something like that. Then again it was about keeping up appearances.

“Speaking of gifts,” Ferrin said, “I’m nervous about yours.”

“Really? Why?”

“I didn’t want to give you jewelry, but I’m not sure what you’ll think of it.”

Thank goodness. She wasn’t going to end up with any more diamond studded Ws. “I’m sure whatever it is I’ll like it.” She hadn’t spent more than a moment picking out his gift, which made her feel bad. It was a top-of-the-line black leather book bag that cost more than the dress she planned to wear to the ball. She was pretty sure he’d like it for that reason alone.

After dinner, Sara headed for her last game night. She’d never go after breaking things off with Ian. It would be too painful. When she arrived, Ian smiled at her like his world rotated around her, and concrete blocks settled in her stomach.

“Hello, Ian.”

“Hello.”

Before either of them could say another word, Julie and Einstein entered the room.

Julie looked particularly excited. “Ian, I’ve been working on your project.”

“What project?” Sara asked.

“Ian told me about your secret,” Julie said.

No. He wouldn’t. “You told her?” Is he insane?

He laughed. “Yeah, I told her I wanted to write a book and that’s why I needed help figuring out how someone could leave without the Directorate knowing.”

And she could breathe again. Damn Ian, he should have given me a heads-up about this situation.

“Did you figure out a way for my characters to run away undetected so they can go on adventures?” Ian asked.

Julie sat and retrieved a folded-up piece of notebook paper from her jacket pocket. She opened it and ran her hands over the creases, trying to flatten it out. “I have several ideas.”

Sara walked over to the snack table to give herself time to regroup. Popcorn and water in hand, with a smile plastered on her face, she returned and sat next to Ian.

“Your character could invent something that would make him invisible so he could come and go as he pleases.”

Ian frowned. “I hadn’t planned on using magic.”

“Why write a book unless you’re going to include magic?” Einstein asked.

Julie tapped her paper. “He could stage his own death.”

“That’s a little extreme,” Sara said. “What if he wants to come back and visit his family one day?”

“I worked under the assumption that once he was out he was never coming back,” Julie said. “Next up, the character would need an inside accomplice who would help cover up his tracks or redirect anyone who went looking for him.”

“Where would he go once he left?” Sara asked.

“He’d go wherever the excitement was,” Julie said. “Ian could make up an adventure in another country for his character.”

“What if you were writing a story about someone who was leaving to escape persecution? Maybe they were wrongly accused of a crime and they needed to change their identity?” Ian asked.

“Those are not the parameters you gave me,” Julie said. “I’ll have to think about it some more.”

“I’m going to chime in,” Einstein said. “Where you go depends on who you are hiding from. If you’re hiding from a wealthy Blue, you’d live somewhere he’d never willingly go, like a poor fishing village or a slum. If the character was hiding from someone who was middle class he’d be better off going to an exclusive area the middle class couldn’t normally afford.”

“I never would have thought of either of those angles,” Ian said.

“What if the character is hiding from a powerful group of wealthy families like the Directorate?” Sara asked. “Because I have a hard time believing any place would be safe.”

“Enough book talk,” Einstein said. “Who’s ready for cards?”

They played cards, and Ian kept a happy expression on his face, but it looked kind of fake. When an hour had passed, Sara stood and headed for the restroom, assuming Ian would follow. He did.

“Can we talk afterward?” he asked.

She nodded, not sure she trusted herself to keep her tear ducts under control.

They played several hands of Go Fish while they chatted about the upcoming holidays. Sara tried to stay upbeat, but Ian’s expression seemed concerned whenever he looked at her for too long. Once game night was over, they took a walk to the pi sculpture. Ian tried to pull her into his arms and kiss her, but she placed her hands on his shoulders and kept him at arm’s length.

…

Ian

“What’s wrong?” She’d been acting off all night.

“We need to talk.”

Oh, hell. “I should have warned you about the fake secret I told Julie, but I forgot.”

“We’re about to go home for the holidays, and I’m sure you’re going to see Amelia.”

“Probably.” Where is she going with this?

She sniffled and looked down at the floor. “What we’ve been doing…it needs to end.”

“No.” She couldn’t mean it.

When she looked up, tears were streaming down her face. “I love you, but this can never work. There is no place to run away. If we left, we couldn’t come back. We’d never see our families again. Did you consider that?”

Hell. I hadn’t.

“And everything I’ve read says Dragons can’t crossbreed.”

“And you want kids.” Shit, I didn’t think this through. She might love him but he wasn’t just asking her to give up all her money, he was asking her to give up her family and the possibility of having kids.

“Us coming together was due to a bunch of crazy circumstances. If your intended were here, we never would’ve gone this far,” Sara said.

He couldn’t argue that fact, but she was still wrong. “But I did kiss you, and I do love you. And you don’t deserve to end up with Ferrin.”

“Oh my God.” She laughed. “I’ve been looking at this all wrong. You didn’t choose me because you liked me, you chose me because you wanted to rescue me.”

“That’s ridiculous.” But it was true. If she hadn’t been promised to a jerk, he never would have considered kissing her.

“You can have a good life, Ian. Marry Amelia. Have kids. Stay with your family. It’s wrong for me to take that from you.”

“You’re forgetting one thing. I love you and you love me.” He had to make her see how wrong she was.

She wiped her face with her sleeve. “I do. I really do. And that’s why this has to stop. The longer it goes on, the more we risk getting caught. And you don’t have to rescue me. I can save myself. I’ll do what my mother and all the other Blue females have done. I’ll have kids and I’ll raise them, and I’ll have a good life.”

“No, you don’t get to make this decision for both of us.”

“I’m sorry. I can’t be responsible for ruining your life,” she said. “I love you too much.”

His temper kicked in. “You’re leaving me because you love me? That doesn’t make any damn sense.” Sparks shot from his mouth and smoldered midair before dropping to the marble floor. It was all he could do to keep fire from crawling up his throat.

“I know this is painful, but I’m trying to do the right thing.”

And that’s when he saw it. “No you’re not. You’re taking the easy way out. I was ready to give up everything for you, because the only thing I need in my life to make me happy is you, Sara. Just you.”

She burst into tears and fled.

He wanted to yell at her, tell her to stop or come back but he couldn’t. Fire roared through his body. He doubled over and tried to get his breathing under control. Smoke flowed from his nostrils on every exhalation. He focused on cold and snow and the things he normally thought of to calm his fire, but all those things led back to Sara. And the inferno inside him raged. He had to get out of there. He stalked down the hall, searching for an exit. When he found one he opened it, shifted, and drove himself up past the clouds to shoot a stream of fire into the heavens. Over and over again, he blasted his pain into the sky. It felt like Sara had ripped a gaping hole in his chest, one he’d never recover from. Not knowing what else to do, he set down on a walking path near the science building, shifted back to human form, and sat on one of the benches the alumni had donated.

Now what? He had no idea, so he sat and stared.

“Ian?”

He turned and saw Julie coming his way. Whatever. He didn’t have time to banter with her.

She sat next to him. “I forgot my piece of paper so I went back to retrieve it and I walked past the pi sculpture.”

He froze.

“You’re not writing a book, are you?”

He shook his head no.

“You had me fooled, because I never imagined Dragons from different Clans…” She let the sentence trail off. “I can tell you’re hurt, but she’s right. There’s no way to escape. I looked into it, investigated it for your book, and the Directorate has eyes and ears everywhere. Greens developed the phone system on campus and every call is stored in a computer. They know who you call, and if they want to know what was said they can access it in a file. You didn’t say anything incriminating, did you?”

He thought back over the one phone call he’d made. “No.”

“Good. I consider you a friend. I don’t want anything bad to happen to you or her. I found records in the archives about females who dated before marriage without their intended’s consent, and most of them died in mysterious accidents.”

“What?”

“Car crashes, boating accidents, fatal falls. The Directorate declared all of their deaths accidental, no matter how strange the circumstances. The Westgates are powerful, and I’m sure they could arrange an accident for Sara.”

That was the last thing he wanted. “So, to keep her safe, I have to let her go?”

“Yes.”

“And you won’t tell anyone?” He knew the answer but he wanted to hear her say it.

“Not even Einstein.”

“Thank you.”

Julie left and he just sat there, letting this new and terrifying information sink in. He’d never been worried about something happening to him. He was willing to take that risk, but knowing Ferrin’s family could arrange an accident for Sara chilled him to the core. So he’d go home over Christmas break and focus on his family and on Amelia and his future. The Red Clan life he was supposed to have. The one he’d been raised to have. The one the Directorate expected him to have. The one he would have whether he wanted it or not.

…

Sara

After ending things with Ian, Sara lay in her bed, sobbing into her pillow. Knowing it was the right thing to do didn’t stop it from hurting like hell. She needed to get all of this out of her system before she went home for Christmas. Her face burned from the salt in her tears, and her throat felt raw, but she couldn’t stop crying. This was all her fault. She never should have let Ian kiss her. She never should have imagined she could have a life with him. In her mind, she could see living with him, nestled away in a small house, with one dining room or maybe just a table in a kitchen. She wouldn’t care how big the house was because she’d never feel the need to try to get away from him.

Was that one of the reasons the Blues built such huge mansions? Did they want to keep distance between themselves and their spouse? Maybe, because no Blue expected a loving, romantic relationship. She could consider herself lucky, because she’d experienced love. If that were true, why did it feel like she wanted to crawl under her bed and stay there for a month?

Maybe this was meant to show her love wasn’t good. If it could wound her like this, maybe it was best to avoid it. She and Ferrin could have a respectful, even friendly relationship. She’d support him in his goal to be the Speaker. She’d develop strong bonds with the women of her Clan and they would be her emotional support system. That didn’t have to be her husband’s job.

Her tears lessened, but she felt like a mess. A shower would make her feel better. She would wash these feelings away and get her life back on track. She’d focus on honor, loyalty, and networking and she’d get through this. While she was at home with her parents, she’d focus on making them proud. This was a make-or-break juncture in her life, and she wouldn’t let some inappropriate feelings for someone she could never be with, break her. She couldn’t. All she had to do was make it through Friday’s classes without falling apart. She sniffled and grabbed a tissue to wipe her raw nose. How in the hell was she supposed to be anywhere near him without bursting into tears?

She could use logic and pep talks to make herself feel better, but shutting down her tear ducts was something altogether different. Maybe she could find a way to get out of classes. No. That would draw too much attention. Damn it. She was going to have to suck it up and act like everything was fine.

On the walk to breakfast the next morning, Ferrin asked, “How did your meeting go last night?”

She almost missed a step on the stairs. “It’s still just the four of us, so I think we’re going to disband the club.”

“That’s a shame,” Ferrin said in a tone that made her doubt his sincerity.

“Are you gloating?”

“No.” He smiled. “I would never say you’re better off sticking with your own Clan and the club was bound to fall apart, because that would be rude of me.”

“And you’re never rude? Right?”

“No. Never. Have I told you how much I like your hair this morning?”

“I don’t remember you mentioning it.” They reached the first floor lounge and she cleared her throat and gave him a pointed look.

“I like your new look where you keep one section of your hair down. I’ve noticed other girls following the same style.”

That made her grin. She had started a fashion trend, and Ferrin was joking with her. Maybe today wouldn’t be terrible.

Her moment of hope lasted until she entered the cafeteria and saw Ian. He sat at the table where he always sat, not doing much of anything besides eating, just existing without her, and it felt like someone had chopped her rib cage open with a dull meat cleaver.

She clamped her lips shut to keep from making any sound that would give her pain away. Ferrin was a step behind her so he hadn’t noticed. She needed to focus on him. Fortunately, he could never cause her this type of pain. Being with someone you didn’t love was actually safer. What a sad thought.

Classes were brutal because she could feel Ian’s presence in the room, even if she couldn’t see him. She managed to avoid eye contact because she was sure that would prove fatal. Luckily, he seemed to be avoiding her, too, which was good. They both needed to move on.