Chapter Eleven
Noah sat at the bar, his knee jogging up and down as though he were running a race. All the training he’d done today, and then—oh, God. The things he’d done in the conference room with Amanda.
He flushed just thinking about it, but that only made his leg bounce harder, as though he could outpace his actions. His thoughts.
But that made it sound like a bad thing. And the way he felt right now, his limbs warm and loose, his heart still shuddering, his every sense alive—
It was hard to think any of that was bad.
“So, anyway,” Luke was saying. “You can find a new running club when you get out there. Something on the weekends, you know? Way less intense than what you’re doing now. I’m sure stuff like that is all over L.A.”
Noah nodded, but he was barely paying attention. He kept thinking about the look in Amanda’s eyes as she’d come on his cock. The way she’d said his name, over and over. The way that watching her, hearing her, had turned him inside out. “Noah,” he heard her voice echo in his mind. Not Luke, not anyone else. Him.
He took a huge swallow of beer, choking as it went down wrong.
“You okay?” Luke reached over and thudded him on the back. Noah waved him off, sputtering about how he was fine. He drank again, slower this time, trying to make himself focus on whatever Luke had been talking about. Something about running. L.A. Something about why he’d wanted so badly to go west.
Something about the rest of his life. The reality—not the fantasy he’d just fallen into and now had to crawl his way back out of.
Because they were leaving in less than six weeks, and he needed to remember that. He needed to focus on what he had to do to get ready. He couldn’t spend every second hearing her voice calling his name before she came. He couldn’t let himself wonder what it might be like to have more.
It had been so unexpected, so overwhelming, he hadn’t been able to get out of the office fast enough, sputtering some nonsense to Luke about how he’d stopped to stretch in the hall. Pretending that was the reason his face was flushed, the sweat still damp on his brow.
How had he managed to pull away from Amanda so quickly, let alone at all? He hadn’t been trying to be an asshole. But he’d been afraid of what might have happened if he’d stayed. Afraid, too, of what he might have seen on her face. If there was regret, uncertainty…if it turned out she’d only gotten carried away with the wrong twin…
He didn’t think he’d survive seeing the stars fall out of her eyes as she stopped moaning and landed face to face with reality—with him—again. He couldn’t linger with her, and he couldn’t ask for more. He sure as hell couldn’t pretend he had more to give. If he needed the reminder, it was here in front of him: Luke talking about L.A. Noah was dragging his brother across the country, all because he was the one who’d wanted to leave. That was the plan—the only plan. There was no room for complications.
Amanda was nothing but a complication. A complication he had a bad feeling was responsible for the vibration he suddenly felt in his pocket.
“Go easy on the beer, man. You haven’t been yourself at all,” Luke was saying at the same time that Noah tried to pull out his phone without his brother seeing.
“Just a super hard workout today,” he said as he glanced down. Sure enough, it was from Amanda.
We need to talk.
He looked up at Luke, trying to keep his face blank. Talking was never a good sign. It certainly didn’t make it sound as though Amanda was sitting around thinking about how good the sex was and how much she still wanted him.
“I’m glad you’re feeling better about easing up on running stuff,” Luke said. “You’ll like the office job. You were made for stability, Noah.” He shook his head. “This coaching thing was kind of nuts.”
Noah tried to catch up to what he’d missed. What was Luke talking about? What did Amanda want, anyway?
“It’s not like I’m not going to run,” he said.
“Of course not. Just, you know, more casually. A weekend thing.” Luke shrugged. “You’ll be busy with the new job. New girlfriends.” He winked. “By the way, did you check in with the movers yet?”
Noah’s phone was resting on his thigh now, and it vibrated again. He couldn’t help it—he looked down as the next message came through.
I know we’ve said this before, but I mean it this time. We have to stop.
“They’ve got the deposit,” Noah said through clenched teeth.
“I’ve heard horror stories about people not getting their stuff.”
Luke kept talking about moving, their plans, the new apartment. But Noah’s palms were starting to sweat. What was Amanda going on about?
“Are you even listening?” Luke said, and he blinked.
“Yeah, of course. I’ll call tomorrow,” he promised.
“And tell her what?”
“What?” Noah echoed.
Luke rolled his eyes. “I was talking about Mom. After the movers bring everything, when should we tell her to come?”
Shit, he really was losing his mind.
“I meant I’ll call both the movers and Mom tomorrow,” he said, trying to backtrack. “Whenever she wants, I guess.”
“No, Noah. Not whenever she wants. She’ll want to come the first day, and then all I’ll hear is how it’s not done yet. Give her a date that’s later, when we’re set up. You won’t get an earful. You never do. But I’ll keep hearing about everything I haven’t done.”
Luke kept talking, but Noah’s eyes were on his phone.
It’s not that I didn’t like it, okay? Amanda texted again.
His pulse kicked up like he’d just amped his speed around the track and his heart was bursting into overdrive. Amanda had liked it?
Of course, that wasn’t what she was saying. That wasn’t the point of these messages—messages he knew he needed to respond to. But he could read it in her words nonetheless. In the words between the words, the ones she wasn’t saying but still meant.
“It’s not that I didn’t like it” was definitely Amanda-speak for “It was so good, I saw stars.” His legs suddenly felt even weaker than before.
Three more messages popped up on his phone, one after the other:
Even so, I’m trying to be honest that I don’t want things to go in that direction again.
It’s not a good idea for either of us. We have our own lives and aren’t looking to date, so we need to cool it.
I know we’re going to still see each other because of Luke, but let’s keep it platonic until you guys move.
The move. Right. Amanda didn’t even need to get into all the other reasons not to do this—Kristina, Luke, the fact that neither of them were in a position to be clear-headed right now. There was a time limit, so there was no point to any of this. The end was coming closer every day.
“Hey—what do you keep doing on your phone?”
Noah looked up abruptly. “Nothing,” he said. “A client.”
“No one’s canceling on you, are they? If you need me to spot you some cash—”
“Just some rescheduling,” he blurted, trying to think on his toes. “But it’s no big deal. They’ve already paid for the hours.”
He never lied to his brother. He was sure Luke didn’t believe him. Not with the look he was giving him over his beer.
“So, what were you and Amanda doing in the office?” Luke asked, changing the subject so fast, Noah reeled from the whiplash.
“What do you mean?” He took another huge swallow of beer—this time, managing not to choke.
Luke shrugged, the kind of easy look his brother was good at getting away with—even if it rarely meant everything was as fine as he made it seem. “I just mean, what were you doing? It’s not a complicated question.”
“I told you, I went to the bathroom and did some stretching,” Noah said, looking at the taps, the beer list, the pictures on the wall. Anywhere but his brother’s eyes. “I have no idea where she went,” he added for good measure.
Luke’s eyes narrowed. Noah sensed the look on his face without having to actually see it. Sometimes there were serious downsides to being a twin. Like knowing what his brother was thinking without him saying a word.
“Why do I feel like if I texted her right now, she’d tell me she went to the bathroom, too?” Luke asked.
Noah put down his glass. This was it. He should tell the truth and get it over with. Why did it have to be a big deal? They were consenting adults. Luke wasn’t interested in her, anyway. If Luke cared about them fucking in the conference room, Noah had plenty of dirt on his brother that he wasn’t above busting out.
But the words wouldn’t come. He didn’t want to talk about what they’d done, as though he was bragging about a score. As though it was anyone’s business but his own.
He didn’t want Luke to rag on him, giving him shit. He didn’t want to have to answer for what demon had possessed him, since, as Luke was fond of pointing out, Noah never did things like this. He’d successfully resisted every effort of his brother’s to get him online so he could “get over Kristina” between someone else’s legs. The thought of Luke seeing Amanda that way made something spark hard and hot inside him.
And wasn’t Amanda telling him right now that it was over? There was no point bringing up something that didn’t even exist. So he’d better stop thinking about it, full stop.
“I guess people pee a lot,” he told his brother, wishing the twenty questions would end. “Why don’t you text her and ask? Because it’s definitely not weird to check up on where people are every second of the day.”
“Okay, okay.” Luke held up his hands, which was when Noah realized he’d probably sounded more annoyed than he had to. The texts from Amanda, the third degree from his brother… All of it was making him impossibly tense.
“I was just asking,” Luke said. “She hasn’t been herself ever since we got back from the Hudson Valley. All week at work it’s been…weird.”
“She’s probably upset about the move. Didn’t you say she freaked when you told her?”
“I thought she was going to cry. And she was pissed at you for dragging me away.” His mouth turned down. “But then it was like—we hung out twenty-four seven. Like the Hudson Valley, all these plans. She kept talking about how we needed to soak up our time together before I was a plane ride and a billion dollars away.”
Noah’s jaw tightened. “She said that?”
“It doesn’t matter, does it? Now she’s all work all the time and practically runs out on me if I suggest getting lunch or doing anything.”
“She’s busy with Brain Gobblers. She’ll have to take on half your responsibilities until she can train someone new.” Noah regretted the words immediately. Since when was he so concerned with Amanda’s work life? He coughed to cover his mistake. “She’s probably just trying to protect herself. Pulling away before you leave.”
“That’s ridiculous.”
“Then whatever. Don’t believe me. I don’t even know what you mean.”
And now we can drop it.
But Luke was clearly still thinking about Amanda. And his vibrating phone told Noah that Amanda was still thinking about him.
“She’s just…different,” Luke said. “Like today. She didn’t steal my sweatshirt, even though she always wears it at work.”
Great. Because Noah was dying to picture the woman he’d just had sex with snuggling up in his brother’s ratty old hoodie.
“So because it wasn’t cold in your office, you think—” Noah wasn’t sure what else to say. He really didn’t need to be sitting here dissecting Amanda’s every move with Luke. Especially not when Amanda was still blowing up his phone.
Double-especially because it wasn’t like he could reassure Luke that Amanda still had a crush on him. Or a whatever. Christ, he was getting a headache.
He risked another glance under the table, afraid of the string of messages he knew he was going to see.
So you’ll do all that in a conference room, but you won’t respond to a text?
I’m not sitting around expecting a message every 5 seconds.
But you could at least write me back.
All I need is an acknowledgment that we’re on the same page here.
So I can show my face at work again.
“Look, I know you’ve never liked Amanda,” Luke said, and Noah’s eyes shot up from his phone so fast, he was afraid they were going to fall out and roll across the table.
“What?” he said, trying to make himself stop looking down his phone. Were he and Amanda on the same page? Did he want to drop this, too? Did he want to think about her at work, hanging out with his brother, and not see or touch her again?
It doesn’t matter what I want. No matter what, it’s ending.
“Admit it. You don’t like that she’s always hanging around, and you’re glad we’re moving and will get away from it.”
“She’s fine,” Noah said, not even sure what was coming out of his mouth. Or his brother’s. Did he really dislike Amanda that much? How could he admit to his brother that wasn’t the problem?
Or maybe he was just confused, taking all the feelings he’d once had for Kristina and putting them on the nearest woman who happened to be there. He wasn’t avoiding her. He just didn’t know.
“Well, whatever. It doesn’t matter,” Luke said. “First step in Operation California is going to be to get you laid. I know you’re still holding a torch for she-who-cannot-be-named, but this freaky, celibate runner’s life isn’t healthy. That client’s still texting you, by the way. You need to tell them to chill?”
Stop texting I can’t talk right now. He hit send on his text to Amanda as fast as he could. He just needed to write something to make it stop before Luke kept badgering him and Amanda texted even more.
But as soon as he saw the bubble of text pop up in their chat, his stomach twisted into knots. It was a shitty, rude text to send anyone—let alone someone he’d just slept with.
Well, “slept with” was sort of euphemistic for fucked over the edge of a conference table in her office. Definitely no sleeping involved. They hadn’t come close to an actual bed.
But that didn’t make him any less of a dick.
He thought he’d feel better for responding with something, anything, so he could focus his attention on Luke, L.A., and their plans. And on how much he did not need his brother to play matchmaker as soon as they moved.
But all it did was make him feel worse.
No matter how much he tried to be excited along with Luke—excited the way he’d been since Luke had agreed to his plan—all he could think about was his fingers in her hair, the feel of her hips moving against him.
That sigh into the palm of his hand after holding in her breath, her cries, as she came.
He should text her again. Tell her he’d talk to her later. Take back what he’d just said.
But wasn’t she telling him it was over? Didn’t that mean no more talking, no more wanting, no more blurring the lines between them? She’d made herself clear. She wasn’t interested in more.
And Luke was still talking, giving him a hard time about whatever was up with him. He slid his phone into his pocket, determined not to look at it again. His future was in California.