Jane arrived and whisked Ryla away shortly after supper claiming she looked too tired to stay awake a moment longer. While Quin wanted to argue, Ryla had almost fallen asleep twice in her chair as they’d been talking in the comfortable living room.
Paxton came in after helping Jane get Ryla settled and took her spot on the sofa. “Normally, I don’t cook supper or do dishes. I leave that up to Jane, but they’re done. Anything else you need?”
She wasn’t expecting the hopefulness in his voice, nor did she expect the onslaught on her brain that one question would cause. She had a lot of needs, one of them was to just break down and cry. That one had to be dealt with alone.
“I feel kind of alone. It’s strange. I know you’ve got her, health-wise. I know there’s nothing I can do to make that any different. But I feel…like my words and thoughts aren’t reaching her. Like part of her is already gone and it doesn’t matter if I try to do better because she won’t hear me anyway.”
He nodded and took her hands. The warmth surprised her. “Part of her already is because she’s accepted that she doesn’t have long. She’s not fighting, just enjoying what she’s got. I’m glad you were able to come and feel that.”
But what about Mom and Dad? They would miss this. They wouldn’t get this chance to clear the air, to listen to Ryla’s side of the story of her life. “I promised her I wouldn’t tell our parents,” the words seemed to rush out without her control.
“I know. She said she would tell you or them, either or, not both. She chose you.”
Quin shook her head slowly, both to clear her mind and disagree. “It’s not right. They should know. I shouldn’t have promised. What if I break that promise?”
He chuckled. “Then you would prove to her you are exactly who she thinks you’ve become. Your decision needs to be…is that a good thing or bad?”
With the way Ryla had been talking, it was probably bad. But if so, why did she choose Quin and not them? Why had she allowed this precious time with only Quin? “I don’t understand. I don’t know what to do. I’ve never been faced with anything like this.” She jumped to her feet to pace and—as if he’d seen the scene a million times—Paxton caught her hand and pulled her back down next to him on the sofa.
“Pacing won’t help. It’ll only wake up Ryla and I think you need a minute to process when she’s not right in front of you. That’s not selfish. I get to go home and be…outside this house for a while.”
She sighed and let her head drop forward. “I feel guilty for wanting that. I just got here. I shouldn’t need that at all.”
“Shouldn’t?” He snorted softly. “You went from a life—according to Ryla—of being virtually alone most of the time to a life of high emotional demand in the span of a day. Give yourself some credit.”
“But she can’t escape it.” Her voice cracked and she hated that her throat burned with tears she wouldn’t shed. She swallowed hard.
“No, but you don’t have to be a martyr. You just have to be there for her. Why don’t you come over to my place for an hour and just watch television for a while? Or, we can sit and talk here if you’re more comfortable. Whatever.”
“I was out all day on the beach…” Why was she trying to talk herself out of what she needed? More guilt pressed on her shoulders.
“A day you spent listening to, and worrying about, your sister’s every word.” He stood and eased her to her feet.
How had she not realized he’d been holding her hand the whole time? Was she so drained she’d missed it? He drew her into a brief hug and her emotional wall cracked as the first squeak of tears forced their way to the surface. He seemed ready for the sound and chuckled, letting the weight of his arms hold her steady.
After a minute of letting her catch her breath, he rubbed her back for a moment. When she finally untangled herself from his arms, he led her to the door. Duggy sat in his way, ears dragging on the floor. “Are you trying to keep me here, big guy?”
The rabbit tilted his head with the strangest side-eye she’d ever seen. “I think he wants us to stay…” She’d never had a pet and didn’t know the first thing about Duggy other than that he liked to escape, but he seemed less insistent on leaving and more on being in the way.
“So be it, rabbit. But you’d better be nice. Quin’s had enough today. She doesn’t need your attitude,” he play-scolded the little ball of fluff.
Duggy hopped twice away from the door and thumped loudly, then hopped for the living room. Paxton squeezed her hand. “I’m going to run home and get some coffee. I like mine better than what Ryla keeps here. Want a cup?”
She shook her head. Caffeine so late in the evening would have her up all night and she had enough to think about she wouldn’t need the chemical help.
“I’ll meet you in the living room. Won’t be long.” He headed out the door.
The house felt silent for a few moments, then sounds slowly made themselves known. The grumble of the oxygen machine in Ryla’s room. The tick of the clock on the wall. The hum of the lights in the hall. She strode toward the living room and wiped her eyes.
Duggy sat completely still in the middle of the floor. She’d expected him to turn and face her as soon as she came in, but he didn’t. For a bunny, he could be eerily still. “Are you okay?” She felt stupid for talking to the thing, but Paxton had.
She lowered onto her knees and slowly reached for Duggy. In a heartbeat, he flipped to face her and she held in a squeal of shock. “How did you do that? Were you trying to bite me?” She held her hand away from him like he was a lion, not a lop-eared rabbit.
He lowered his head and relaxed his ears, making him appear almost…welcoming. She tried again to touch his head. This time, he let her rub right between his ears. She’d expected him to feel like a cat, but he didn’t. He was even softer, more like a kitten, only thicker.
He leaned into her finger and she scratched a little more. “You like that, eh?” She wanted to tell him to be careful. He shouldn’t get too attached to her. She would have to go back to her urban apartment where rabbits were definitely not allowed.
But she couldn’t say the words aloud. What if Ryla was awake and heard her? Thinking it, taking care of everything after Ryla was gone, was different than forcing her to know beforehand.
Paxton came back in and softly closed the door. A minute later he’d lowered himself next to her on the floor. “This wasn’t quite what I had in mind, but it’ll work. This time. I do think you should come over to my house some evening and just forget for one hour.”
She wouldn’t fight him on that. He’d dealt with end-of-life situations much more than she had. “Thank you. It means a lot that you care.”
He draped a light blanket around her shoulders and gently held it together until she could take the folds. “I feel like I’ve known you a lot longer than a day. Ryla has talked about you so much. It’s nice to finally realize you’re human. I was pretty sure you lived with the stars, the way she talked about you.”
Quin ducked her head. If she’d talked to Ryla more often, maybe she’d know more about Paxton too. Maybe she’d have great stories to tell. Maybe she wouldn’t feel anything for this guy who was so close to her sister if she’d first known of him through her sister.
“Every other time in my life when I’ve wanted to escape reality, I’ve done it by grabbing an easel and letting go. I can’t do that here. Not now. Even when I try to let my mind go, I can’t. It’s clinging to her.”
Duggy hopped closer and leaned up against her thigh. Not enough that he asked to be touched, but she felt a sort of connection, as if he’d chosen her between the two options in the room. Considering he knew Paxton better, that made her inexplicably happy.
Paxton nodded at Duggy. “He is, inherently, a prey animal. So he feels safe with you right now. That’s great. He doesn’t usually warm up to people so fast. It took him a couple months of back and forth before he was good with me whenever I came over.”
She didn’t mind if he liked her, but there would be no choosing, no trusting. She couldn’t take him with her. No matter how much Ryla wanted it. “Yeah, that’s great that he likes me today. I don’t see that I’ll be here long enough for him to like me permanently, though.” She couldn’t let her words say what her mind wanted to yell. She wanted out. But that wasn’t a choice.
“You’re doing fine. Ryla made it sound like you might be above caring, but I don’t see that, and I read people pretty well.”
Not care about her only sister? Ryla had indicated she was a little selfish, but mostly with her time. She would never be so cold as to not care that her sister was dying. “I can’t imagine why anyone would believe that. It’s not like I’m soulless. It’s not like I can’t think of anyone but myself.”
Paxton didn’t let a hint of what he might actually think pass his features. He was a better nurse than most she’d met at keeping his thoughts to himself when he wanted to. “I didn’t say anything meant to hurt your feelings.”
She sniffled, hating that her momentary bout of tears left her head full and her nose stuffy. “I’d better get to bed. Thanks for taking care of me when you probably needed some time to yourself.”
He stood and held out a hand for her, then helped her up. “I don’t mind. This wasn’t exactly stressful for me.” He gathered his cup off the floor but left his blanket around her shoulders as he headed home.
Something felt missing, out of place. Like she needed to do something but hadn’t and now it was too late. She searched around the room but could come up with no reason for the feeling.
Her phone laid on the side table where she’d left it that morning, untouched. When she pressed the home button, there were five texts waiting for her. Four were from Ben with false exclamations of love and images from the show. The last was from her parents.
Mom: We made it to Cincinnati. Where are you? Thought we could meet you here and have lunch. The show was amazing. So many people asking for our talented girl.
If she’d told them she’d decided on a last-minute week with Ryla instead of going to the show, they would’ve known something was wrong. Obviously, they’d avoided Ben; he would have told them where she was. Cincinnati was her dream. She took a deep breath and thought about what Paxton had said. Maybe Ryla was secretly hoping Quin would be her old, selfish self and tell their parents for her?
She cradled the phone to her chest. But Ryla had also begged Quin not to say a word.
Not a word.
She pressed the call button and Mom picked up on the first ring.
“Quin! Where are you? Do you have a hotel in the city? It’s late, but we could come and join you for a cocktail.”
Quin flinched. She didn’t drink. Even Ben knew that. “I’m not actually there. I’m with Ryla. Mom…there’s something you should know.”