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Lying in bed at home nine days later, Briar could hear Matt talking on the phone to his mom in the en suite bathroom. He’d been off work since Rosie’s birth and today was his first day back.
These past ten days had been nothing but a blur. Briar had spent the first three in the hospital recovering while Rosie stayed in the NICU for another week. Trinity and the team’s significant others had all been amazing, dropping off groceries and meals for them. Briar was sure Taya was behind it. The woman was an organizational wizard.
She and Matt had gone back multiple times a day to hold and feed her, and because Rosie was able to suck and swallow on her own and had been gaining weight, she had finally been able to come home last night. Briar had to feed her every two to three hours, which wasn’t a big deal during the day. But overnight was gonna be tough for the next few months.
“We can’t wait for you to meet her,” Matt was saying. “Maybe I’ll bring her with me when I pick you up at the airport, give Briar a few hours to herself.”
She smothered a groan. Her mother-in-law and Matt’s sister were flying in from San Diego on Thursday night to stay with them a couple days. They were nice people and Briar liked them well enough, but she dreaded having them stay until after the baby shower Taya and Trinity were holding for her this coming weekend.
She didn’t feel like having company stay with them yet but he wanted to have them at the house so they could spend as much time with Rosie as possible and she didn’t want to cause a fight, so she’d left it alone. He was close with both sides of his family and barely ever got to see them. It wasn’t fair of her to tell him they couldn’t stay here just because she was uncomfortable having them underfoot because she was ridiculously private and trying to adjust to the whole motherhood thing. And it was only for a few days. She could suck it up for that long.
“Briar? She’s doing amazing. Healing up fast and handling everything like a champ.”
The pride in Matt’s voice set off a twinge of guilt deep inside. Yeah, like a champ. If he only knew how worn down she felt already. Her incisions were healing nicely and she hardly had any pain except for her breasts when they became engorged or whenever Rosie latched on. Taya had been right about that.
“Love you too. Bye.” Matt ended the call and came back into the bedroom, walked around to her side of the bed and reached down to stroke a hand over her hair. “I gotta go. You need anything before I leave?”
About twelve hours of uninterrupted sleep would be good, but that wasn’t happening. “No.” She couldn’t even muster the will to inject some life into the answer.
“Okay. See you tonight.” He bent and kissed her before leaving.
The moment she heard his truck pull out of the driveway, a heaviness settled inside her chest. He wouldn’t be back until at least seven tonight, maybe later. That meant she had a minimum of twelve hours to get through on her own, even though she’d been the one to argue that she was fine by herself now and encouraged him to go into work. At the moment, the prospect of being without him all day seemed like an eternity.
She fell back asleep until Rosie’s cry woke her from a deep dream. She peeled her eyes open and got up, walked on auto-pilot down the hall to the nursery.
Briar picked her up, checked her diaper that was still dry, and sat in the chair to nurse her. They’d switched from cannula feeding to nursing last week, and they were both still getting the hang of it. The latching bit was tricky. And painful.
Briar winced as the baby tried to latch on, a feeling like hot, sharp prickles shooting through her breasts as the milk let down. Breastfeeding was way harder than she had imagined, and way more uncomfortable as well. She pumped to alleviate the pressure when she got too engorged but it still hurt like hell and it happened often because Rosie couldn’t yet drain one side per feeding.
All in all, motherhood was harder than she had expected. She was constantly exhausted, sore all over. Maybe it was because of all the complications and running back and forth to the NICU. She kept hoping everything would smooth out now that they were home.
Rosie was still slightly jaundiced, even after treatment in the hospital. Frequent nursing would help, but she was so small her esophageal sphincter hadn’t yet fully developed. Briar could only feed her a little bit at a time, and the milk quite often came right back up a few minutes later, projectile-style, leaving Rosie hungry and Briar frustrated.
Basically, she felt like she didn’t know what the hell she was doing. Worse, she didn’t feel this magical bond everyone always talked about between mother and child. She loved Rosie, was doing her best to look after her baby. But it all felt so strange, the opposite of natural. Probably being separated for the first ten days hadn’t helped. Briar hoped it happened soon.
Trinity had offered to come stay with her after Rosie had finally come home, but Briar didn’t want to put her friend out and didn’t want to admit she needed help. She had this. She was strong and resourceful. Tough. A freaking Valkyrie. Everyone else seemed to manage with being able to look after a newborn, so she could too.
Part way through the feeding, Rosie choked and turned her head away, spraying milk everywhere.
“Shit,” Briar whispered, grabbing for a cloth. She worried that was going to be Rosie’s first word.
She couldn’t stop the flow of milk. Her body desperately wanted to relieve the pressure in her breasts. Pumping only helped so much, but the lactation specialists had warned her and Matt not to feed Rosie by bottle too often, or she wouldn’t learn to latch properly.
It took another half-hour to get enough milk into Rosie to make her feel full. Briar tucked the baby to her chest and burped her gently, then sat and rocked her for a while to keep her upright and help the milk settle. The feel of that tiny, warm little body curled so trustingly against her made her heart squeeze, gave her hope that their mysterious bond was happening.
When Rosie was fast asleep, Briar picked her up and put her back in her crib, desperate to go back to bed for another hour. She was just easing the nursery door shut when she heard the telltale wet splash behind her. Closing her eyes for a moment, she took a deep breath and fought back her frustration.
When she turned around, she spotted the milk stain arcing across the wall beside the crib.
Shit. Milk wasted. Mess to clean up. More laundry to do. And back to square one for another attempt at feeding.
By the time it was all done another forty minutes had passed. Briar finally left her daughter asleep in the crib and carried the dirty linens and sleeper to the laundry room to start another load.
A pile of neatly folded clothes and receiving blankets lay atop the drier where Matt had placed them last night. He helped out with what he could when he was home. Laundry, grocery runs, bringing home takeout, bathing or changing Rosie. He’d even taken over a feeding with a bottle last night because he’d insisted, but some stubborn part of her made her want to prove she could do it all.
As she walked back into their bedroom, her body heavy and aching with exhaustion, her cell rang. She glanced at the screen to see if it was important, ready to ignore it if it wasn’t.
Taya. Probably calling about the shower this weekend. At the moment, not as important as getting more sleep.
Briar set the phone down on the bedside table and sank onto the mattress. She didn’t want a baby shower. She didn’t want houseguests. She wanted peace and quiet and sleep, just her, Matt and Rosie.
When she lay down and tugged the covers over her, the phone rang again. This time it was Trinity. Briar stared at it a moment, made up her mind to tell her friend how she felt about the shower. So she answered.
“Hey, how are you feeling today?” Trinity asked brightly.
“I don’t think I’ve ever been this tired before. Not even during training.”
Trinity chuckled. “Rosie running you ragged already?”
“We’re still trying to figure out a routine.” She drew in a breath. “Look, I know it’s late to do this, and I really appreciate all the trouble you’ve gone to in organizing everything, but I think we should cancel the shower.”
“What? Why?”
Because I’m fucking wrecked and I don’t feel like having to socialize with a bunch of people. “Matt’s mom and sister are coming in the night before. I’m gonna be busy. It’s too much.”
“I’ve already talked to Matt’s mom. She and Matt’s sister are going to set everything up, take care of the cleaning, cooking and laundry so you can focus on Rosie. You don’t have to do anything except eat and open the gifts.”
Hell. Briar bit back a sigh. What was wrong with her? The women coming over were her friends and extended family. Most other women would be ecstatic about their friends throwing them a shower.
“I know parties aren’t your thing, but you literally don’t have to do anything but show up,” Trinity went on. “Rosie’s the main attraction, not you. If you’re not feeling up to it when we get there, you can always stay upstairs to sleep for a while and let us look after the baby. Then you can come down when you’re ready and in more of a party mood. And it’s only for a couple hours. We’ll be out of your hair by dinnertime, and we’ll clean everything up so you don’t have to do a thing. There’ll be lots of leftovers, too.”
Well, leftovers were good. And she didn’t want to seem like an ungrateful bitch. She was tired and cranky as hell, but that didn’t excuse her from being rude to anyone else, let alone the people who loved her. “Okay, you’re right. Thanks.”
“It’ll be great, you’ll see,” Trinity said excitedly. “Everyone can’t wait to see you and Rosie.”
****
Show time.
Squaring her shoulders, Briar lifted her chin and checked her reflection in the bathroom mirror. The shower was about to start.
She had covered the dark circles under her eyes with concealer, something she’d never bought in her entire life until this morning, but it was necessary to make her look human. Last night had been tough even with Matt helping and she hadn’t caught up on enough sleep between Rosie’s feedings this morning.
At the moment the guys were all at Bauer and Zoe’s place to hang out for the afternoon. She was glad that Matt was getting the downtime. In between returning to work and helping out overnight with Rosie, he had to be tired too. His mom and sister were downstairs with the baby right now, watching her while Briar got ready. They were great with her, and it was nice to have a little time to herself.
Her mother-in-law gave Briar a smile when she walked into the kitchen. Pat had Rosie expertly cuddled into one shoulder while she stirred a pot of something on the stove. “This little one’s getting hungry again, I think,” she said, turning to Briar.
“I’m sure she is.” Briar took her daughter, the way Rosie melted into her hold making her smile.
She went into the living room and sat on the sofa to nurse her while Matt’s sister Karen bustled around the room setting up the table and putting up decorations. Everything was pink. Pink balloons. Pink streamers. Pink flowers and tablecloth.
“You guys really didn’t have to go to so much trouble,” Briar said as she arranged a blanket over her chest and maneuvered Rosie into place to nurse. She bit down on the inside of her cheek and hid a wince when those hard little gums clamped onto her sore nipple.
“It’s no trouble. Besides, it’s Rosie’s first party,” Karen said, beaming.
Trinity and Taya arrived a few minutes later. Briar stayed where she was, angling her face up to accept the cheek kisses from her friends.
“How’s our little piglet of honor doing today?” Taya asked, shifting Hudson on her hip. He was crawling now. Wouldn’t be long until he was walking.
“She’s trying her best to suck me dry but she just can’t take a full feeding yet.” Briar felt bad for her. Poor little thing was always hungry.
“Well, top her up then. She’ll be ready to be passed around when everyone else gets here.” She focused on Briar. “How are you feeling today? Nursing getting any easier?”
“Pretty good, actually. And sort of.” Matt had taken a feeding at two this morning, allowing her to get another bit of sleep. She didn’t feel quite like a zombie at the moment.
“I’m glad. Can I get you anything?”
“No, I’m good.”
“Okay, I’m just going to set up the playpen and put Hudson in it so he’ll stay out of trouble.”
As soon as Briar finished feeding and burping Rosie, she handed the baby to Trinity. It was bittersweet to watch her friend hold Rosie. Trinity’s whole face lit up, her enjoyment obvious. Briar hoped she would consider adopting at some point.
The rest of the guests arrived in two groups. Briar forced herself into social mode and introduced everyone to Karen and Pat, then parked her butt on the “throne” they’d made for her. It actually helped to have her friends around. She’d been dreading this, but now that they were all here she felt so much less overwhelmed and isolated.
For some reason the days seemed to be better for her than the nights. By mid-morning she had usually managed to sneak in another hour or two of sleep in between feedings. After showering, she felt almost like herself.
The nights were a different story. She had already come to dread them. Each evening around dinnertime, some sort of switch inside her flipped. A kind of panic crept in at the thought of facing another long, sleepless night looking after Rosie alone.
She didn’t get it. With her training and background, considering the kind of punishment and deprivation she’d been trained to withstand, it made no sense that she would feel that way. And she definitely didn’t want Matt to know she was struggling.
“All right, now that we’re all stuffing our faces,” Zoe said, pushing to her feet as Libby and Hudson played with toys in the playpen nearby, “it’s time to start the games.”
Briar groaned. Several of the women laughed, but Zoe shot her a narrow-eyed look. “Yeah, I know you think that’s right up there with torture. But you haven’t played my games.” She waggled her dark eyebrows.
“So what’ve you got for us?” Carm demanded.
“A little something I like to call porn versus labor.”
Huh? Briar frowned in confusion as Zoe pulled out a folder and passed it to Carm. “Take one and a pen, and pass it around.”
Marisol took them and gave it to Briar. Briar pulled out a sheet of paper with a dozen different photos on it, each of them a close up of a woman’s face either in the throes of...well, it could be orgasm or agony, it was impossible to tell which.
“You have to guess whether each picture is from porn or labor,” Zoe explained. “Person with the most right answers wins.”
Man, romantic horror authors had sick minds. Briar eyed her sheet. “Tell me you didn’t find these while doing research for your new book.”
“I didn’t,” Zoe said. “But that would have been amazing.”
“What do we win?” Taya asked, already writing down her answers. Keener.
“Prizes.”
“Yeah, but what kind of prizes.”
“Awesome ones,” Zoe said confidently.
Briar studied the images. Jeez, she had no freaking clue what was what. There was only one that seemed to obviously be labor. A few minutes later they traded papers and marked them while Zoe gave the answers.
“Okay, how many did you guys get?” Zoe asked.
“I got eight,” Karen said.
“Ten,” Carmella answered.
Zoe looked at Briar. “How many did you get?”
“Two.”
Those golden eyes widened. “Two? What? Gimme that.” She snatched Briar’s paper to read it. “How could you only get two?”
She glowered. “They all look like they’re enjoying themselves to me.”
Zoe laughed, a low, throaty sound. “Really? What the hell has Matt been doing to you all this time?”
She flushed, even though Zoe was just teasing. “Well, I didn’t go through labor, so...”
“All right. Moving on,” Zoe said, handing out prizes to the winner. “You get the pity prize,” told Briar.
Briar opened the bag. Eyes wide, she looked up at Zoe. “Really?” A sex toy? And a dubious-looking one at that.
Zoe smirked. “Glows in the dark.”
Of course it did.
“You won’t be able to use it for a while yet, but when you do, you’ll thank me. Trust me.”
Okaaay then. She was sure Matt would get a giant kick out of it.
The afternoon passed by fairly quickly after that. Food, drinks and presents. Rosie even got a cute little camo dress from Trinity and pajamas that said My Mom’s A Badass across the chest from Summer. Briar kept an eagle eye on her daughter as the baby was passed around the room. She trusted all the women in the room, but this was her baby and she was going to make sure Rosie was being held properly.
“You look fantastic, by the way,” Rachel said to her, looking her up and down. “Can’t even tell you had a baby a couple weeks ago.”
“Thanks.” Everyone kept saying that. That she looked great, seemed to be handling everything with ease, even with Rosie’s challenges as a preemie.
Looks could be deceiving, however. At times she had been more miserable since Rosie’s birth than she ever had, except for when her parents died and she was first taken into the Valkyrie Program. It was a constant grind to hide that from the rest of the world, including Matt, but there was no way she was going to show the truth.
At four the guests began leaving. By five, it was only her in-laws, Taya and Trinity left. They refused to let Briar clean up, ordering her to sit on her throne while they cleaned up and organized all the presents.
“I put everything away in her room,” Trinity said as she emerged from the bottom of the staircase, “but you can reorganize it later.”
“Thanks.” She carefully removed her sleeping daughter from her breast, covered back up, and put Rosie to her shoulder to burp.
Trinity held out her hands. “May I?”
“Of course.” She handed Trinity the blanket to drape over her shoulder.
Trinity took Rosie and carefully tucked her close. She patted the baby’s back gently. “God, she even smells good,” she murmured.
“I know, right?”
“Until they start eating solids,” Taya called from the kitchen. “Then not so much.”
Trinity grinned at Briar. “Ah, the things you get to look forward to, huh?”
“Yeah, I can’t wait.”
Rosie belched, and the telltale splash followed a second later, all over Trinity.
Briar sighed. “Sorry about that. You’ve been christened. Welcome to the church of projectile vomiting.”
“It’s okay.” Trinity held Rosie away from her a little. “Got me, you little stinker. But you’re adorable, so I forgive you.” She wiped at the mess on her shirt the blanket hadn’t protected her from with a cloth and handed Rosie back to Briar. “Here ya go, mama. Fill her back up and I’ll talk to you tomorrow.” She dropped a kiss on Briar’s cheek.
“Thanks for everything,” Briar said.
“You bet. See you.”
Watching Trinity leave, Briar had to fight the urge to call her back. Ask her to stay. She could feel herself starting to slide emotionally, the anxiety building as the coming night loomed before her, dark and endless.
