I woke with a start. Everything hurt. I felt the grime of the asphalt under my hands and knees when I pushed myself up. I wrapped my arms around my shivering body, unsure and frightened. Steadying myself along a wall, I walked toward the lights and noise I could hear in the distance. I was in an alleyway that opened into a very large shopping district. The shops were starting to close as night descended. I knew I wanted to be inside, I just didn’t know where to go. A man wearing a uniform approached me, asking questions I wasn’t sure how to answer.

“Miss, are you all right? What is your name? What are you doing here?”

“Igimamablm.” My throat hurt like I’d swallowed the gravel I’d woken up on. I cleared my throat and tried again. “Where am I? I think I’m lost.” It felt like I’d swallowed a jellyfish, but at least I could speak. I didn’t sound like me, but I couldn’t completely remember how I was supposed to sound. I felt as if someone had ripped out my heart and replaced it with knives. I just wanted to curl up and die from the intensity of the pain.

“Miss, you’re in Bermuda. How’d you get here? Do you have your passport?”

“I don’t know how I got here. I don’t even know who I am. Bermuda sounds familiar though,” I replied, trembling.

“Well, let’s get you to the station and into some clean clothes. Beverly should have an extra pair of sweats for you. Can you remember anything?” He asked gently, helping me to stand without the aid of the wall.

“No,” I choked out.

I wanted to cry as I clutched his arm but suddenly remembered I didn’t have tears. My throat hurt from talking and my head was starting to pound. I wasn’t sure where the idea that I could no longer cry came from, but I was certain that it was true. I was also certain that I’d given up my tears for something important.

The officer walked me to the station as I tried desperately to remain upright. My head was starting to hurt as much as my chest. I had the vague sense that I was grieving. I felt a sense of confusion and hurt that didn’t necessarily belong to me. I kept this feeling to myself—I imagined that the officer would be more likely to take me to a psych ward than the station if I voiced my thoughts.

The Bermuda Police Station was located on the corner of the pier, so as to keep watch for the tourists both in the shopping square and on the ships. I saw the cruise ship in port and immediately halted.

“Are you all right, miss?” The police officer asked. “Does that look familiar? It just arrived; the passengers should be departing shortly. Maybe you were supposed to be meeting someone?”

“No. I don’t live here. All I can remember are teal eyes,” I whispered.

I had a sudden case of crippling heartbreak; my knees gave up and I collapsed at the poor officer’s feet. I crouched there, my body convulsing in tearless sobs. I could see his face in my memory, but couldn’t remember his name. I wept without shedding tears.

“I should’ve stayed. I should never have come back.” I didn’t realize I’d spoken out loud until the officer leaned over and stroked my hair whispering words of comfort and encouragement. He looked like he might shed tears for me. He tried to lift me into his arms, but all he managed to do was to wrap me in an embrace and half drag me into the station. There was a man at the counter talking to an older woman. The officer gently put me into one of the most uncomfortable orange chairs I’d ever sat in and turned to talk to the lady behind the desk.

“Beverly, will you please get this poor girl some water and a blanket? I think she’s in shock.” He came and sat next to me, holding my hand while I tried to pull myself together. I couldn’t breathe past the pain and frustration, it was just too much. I forced myself to push the feelings from me with all the strength I could muster, and slowly started to come to myself. I needed to stop having hysterics.

“I’m so sorry. I have no idea what came over me. Thank you.” My voice was still scratchy.

“Tasha? Is that really you? Oh, thank God you’re all right! I saw you hit the tide and you were gone. Oh, baby you’re safe.” The man from the counter raced over and swept me into his arms. It felt so wrong. The body was shorter and thinner than what I was supposed to have wrapped around me. I had a vivid memory of a very large man’s embrace and this was not him.

“Do I know you?” My question startled him as effectively as a blast of icy water to his face. He pulled back so he could study me, which allowed me the same luxury. His blue eyes were red rimmed and haunted. He looked vaguely familiar, and I knew I should find him memorable, but I just couldn’t place him.

“Sir, do you know this woman?” The officer stepped in front of me, effectively blocking the man from clutching me to his chest.

“My name is Keith McNamara and this woman is my girlfriend, Natasha James. I came here to report her missing, possibly drowned. We had a scuba diving accident on the ship this afternoon. I thought she’d died. Please, let me look at her.” He sounded desperate, his voice thick with hope.

“That was today? I’m sorry,” I whispered and shrugged, not remembering enough to continue the thought. I offered them all a small smile, trying to reassure them all that I really wasn’t crazy, not fully believing it myself.

“I’m Officer Damon Pendleton, and this woman claims to not have any memory of herself or of anything that happened prior to my finding her in the street. Do you have any proof that she is who you say she is? I also need proof of who you are and your relationship to her in order to let you leave with her.” He took this Keith person into the back office to discuss what to do with me.

While they were talking, Beverly found a dry pair of pink Bermuda PD sweats for me to wear. I didn’t know much, but I knew I wasn’t used to being coddled. Apart from the vague image of a man who I was pretty sure I allowed to coddle me as much as he wanted. I couldn’t think about that though, as I was again fighting overwhelming sadness.

“Thank you, Beverly. Where can I change?” I whispered because I couldn’t bring myself to talk past the lump forming in my throat. I was a mess.

“Oh, honey. Let’s get you into the powder room so you can wash some of the grime off your face. We can put this beautiful dress into a duffle bag for you to wash when you get back home, all right? Come with me, you poor dear.” She bustled around me like a grandmother taking care of an ill child. I smiled at the image she conjured in my head. It really was kind of her to help me like she was. I had the vague feeling that kindness didn’t always happen in my life.

She led me into the back where there were locker rooms leading into a small gym. We entered the ladies’ room, and she had to help me out of my dress and into the shower. As the dress was peeled from me, a small disk plinked onto the floor. My heart leapt at the sight and I knew there were answers on it, if I could just look at it. It was the single most important treasure I possessed on this earth.

“Well now, that’s a funny thing to have in your under things. I’ll put it in the little pouch here so you don’t lose it, okay, honey?” She bustled about as if it were an everyday occurrence to have a naked woman with amnesia in her showers. She helped me to get the worst of the crud off and then helped me into the dry sweats. I felt at least a little more human on the outside. The jury was still out on the rest of me.

“Thanks again, Beverly. I appreciate your kindness more than you know. I wish I knew more about what happened to me, though. This is very frustrating.” She patted my cheek and smiled.

“It will come when you’re ready, my dear. Come on; let’s see what my grandson has figured out. Oops, I mean Officer Pendleton. Don’t tell him I slipped.” She had a nice rosy tint to her cheeks and I couldn’t help the giggle that passed.

“It’ll be our secret.” I winked at her, enjoying our comfortable banter. I was starting to feel very glad I’d wound up here.

Keith had my identification as well as my information regarding the cruise. He’d planned on reporting me as a missing person and needed that information to submit a report. Now he was arranging things with Officer Pendleton so that we could make it back to the ship without incident. They were having trouble trying to figure out how to get me back onto the cruise ship when I was already reported missing at sea after the dive. They decided that a letter from the police explaining things should be sufficient and were just finishing up.

“Well, you two are free to go. Miss Natasha, you take care of yourself. I sure do hope you find those missing memories.” Officer Pendleton shook my hand and I mumbled my thanks. Beverly gave me a great big hug and wished me well. Keith wrapped his arm around my shoulders and walked me out to the ship.

It was a quiet walk, bordering on uncomfortable. I felt like I should say something to him, but didn’t know what. His arm was draped possessively across my body and it made me anxious. Distantly, I understood he thought we were romantically involved and having me close was important to him. He wasn’t doing anything inappropriate, so I chose to just deal with it.

“You really don’t remember anything, do you?” He looked at me with sadness in his eyes and I felt bad.

“I’m really sorry, Keith, but I don’t. There are thoughts that keep flitting to the surface, but then they disappear before I can truly grasp them. I see images of eyes, mostly. I feel like I’ve been in a dream, and am only now waking.” We were silent the rest of the way to the ship.

I was nervous about how I was going to be received—it wasn’t an everyday occurrence that someone returns from the dead. I hoped they wouldn’t make too big a fuss about things. It turns out that my fears were completely unfounded.

My little keycard thing that Keith happened to have with him still worked, so they obviously hadn’t closed out my account yet. I wanted to stop by the captain’s room to let him know I was still a passenger, and they didn’t have a casualty at sea. Keith agreed with me and walked me to the captain’s quarters. When the he opened the door, it was obvious that he’d been drinking. We could hear another man’s voice in the room behind and knew that we’d interrupted something.

“Sir, I know it’s late and I am sorry to disturb you, but I thought it’d be best to let you know that I didn’t drown after all. I’m here, and hope that whatever happened didn’t cause you too much trouble,” I said. I didn’t want to linger here. I just wanted to get to my room and pass out for the next few years. My body still ached, my head was pounding, and I was tired of being looked at strangely.

“I’m sorry, who are you?” He swayed slightly and I hoped we wouldn’t be shoving off any time soon.

“Her name is Natasha James, she’s in room 311, and she was listed as drowned at sea after our dive this afternoon. If you talk to the dive instructor, I believe his name was Jorge Mendoza, he can verify that she was on the dive.” Keith saved me from making a complete fool of myself. I hadn’t known any of that information. It felt true as he said it, but everything was still just out of reach.

“Tell him yourself. He may still be conscious, poor fellow. I’ve been trying to get him drunk for the past couple of hours so he can just pass out and forget the whole thing. That man has never lost a body before; he’s taking it rather hard.” The captain ushered us into his quarters.

The captain was a short, stocky man so he had to move quite a bit out of our way for us to pass him. The entire room reeked of alcohol. Off to the side was a small living area. It boasted a love seat, coffee table, and two reclining chairs. A man was slumped in one of the chairs with an almost completed bottle of whisky dangling precariously from his fingertips.

“Mr. Mendoza? My name is Natasha, and I do believe there was a mix-up earlier today. I was on your dive and must have gotten separated. I’m okay, sir.” I gently pried his fingers from around the bottle and tried to get him to look at me.

“Oh, god! She’s come to haunt me for my failure!” He was slurring so badly it was difficult to understand him. His eyes were huge and bloodshot, but he was trembling as he looked at me. “Jeff, tell me you see her.” The captain came over and placed a comforting hand on his shoulder.

“Jorge, she’s not an apparition. This young girl wanted to let you know that she’s okay and safely back on board the ship. Perhaps she’ll join us for drinks tomorrow when you’re more yourself again and explain to us exactly what happened. Sleep now, my friend, your record remains untainted.” He placed his other hand comfortingly against the instructor’s face, turning him close for an intimate hug.

It was obvious that they were very close in the way that they responded to each other. I was glad that Jorge had Jeff to ease his frustration, and help him to figure out what had happened earlier today. I had a pang of grief for a loss I couldn’t remember as Keith took hold of my hand. The grief settled into a now familiar weight of guilt as I realized he thought he was supporting me.

I didn’t think it necessary to explain to the captain and diving instructor that I wouldn’t be able to tell them what happened because I didn’t remember. Maybe I’d remember something if I wasn’t so confused. I was starting to become irritable and just wanted to be alone to figure things out. Keith and I said our goodbyes to the two men and he led me to my suite.

It wasn’t as opulent as the captain’s, but it was cozy. Keith apologized as we walked into the room because he’d packed up my things. I didn’t care because at that moment I spotted the bed. I’d never been so tired in all my life. I walked over to it, curled up, and knew that even if he insisted on watching me the whole time, I’d finally find solace in sleep.

“Keith, I’m sorry, but I’m so tired. Can I sleep for a while? I’ll try to remember things when I wake, but I’m so tired,” I whispered, as I got comfortable.

“Of course. I’m exhausted myself. Is it okay if I stay with you? I feel like I’m dreaming and if I leave, you might not be here when I come back. I won’t do anything, I just want to hold you, please.” It was the pain in his voice that caused me to cave. I must have been very close to him for him to be so worked up about leaving my room.

“Fine, you can stay, just please be quiet and let me sleep.” I drifted off within moments of my head hitting the pillow.